CAN YOU SPOT THE ‘G’ SPOT?

obsession

The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg), is characterized as a legendry erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation. It is typically reported to be located 1–3 inches (2.5–7.6 cm) up the front (anterior) vaginal wall between the vaginal opening and the urethra and is a sensitive area that may be part of the female prostate. However after decades of dedicated ‘hands on’ research, mainly by men, no one can bloody find it, so move over G-spot, cause you’re so yesterday!

Therefore as a ‘gateway’ to female sexual pleasure scientists have finally abandoned plans to continue the hunt for the G-spot by ‘widening‘ their search grid. Anything to avoid getting a real job! Now according to a study published in the journal Nature Reviews Urology, the G-spot has been replaced by the clitourethrovaginal (CUV) complex…hmm, sounds like a mouthful to me? The CUV encompasses the uterus, the clitoris and the anterior vagina. According to Emmanuele A. Jannini, professor of endocrinology & sexology at the Tor Vergata university, Rome, ‘The vagina is not a passive organ but a highly dynamic structure with an active role in sexual arousal and intercourse’. Blimey, talk about stating the bleeding obvious! Meanwhile. separate research is being undertaken using female volunteers at Cambridge University to ascertain whether vaginas are capable of warp drive, and if so, can the ‘V-Drive’ propulsion system be harnessed to send colonists to Mars!

 

EGGING HIM ON!

scotch eggs

Former Scottish Secretary, Member of Parliament in East Renfrewshire and ‘pro’ Scottish Union campaigner Jim Murphy intended to visit  ‘100 streets’ before the Scottish referendum, but due to unforeseen circumstances, halted his campaign at street 89. What were the unforeseen circumstances? The gentleman was pelted with eggs by pro independence supporters. Huh, one would have thought the egg throwers would at least have had the imagination to pelt Mr Murphy with Scotch eggs, don’t you think? A concussion would have been assured! Clearly those in favour of Scottish independence are not as ‘hard boiled’ as they would have us believe!

CAN YOU COOK?

gluttony

I went out on a date the other night. “David,” Marcia said. “Can you cook?” I replied, “Cook, cook…what time do I have to cook? I spend all my time eating! Now are you going to finish that last faggot, or can I have it?” I grabbed it off Marcia’s fork just before it entered her mouth! Gluttony is such an unattractive feature, don’t you think?

HOW SAFE ARE YOUR ‘iCLOUD’ PICTURES?

bulldog

Apparently Jennifer Lawrence, plus 100 other celebrities have had their personal and very ‘intimate’ pictures leaked online by 4Chan, the anonymous image-sharing forum. The hacker ‘claims’ to have broken into the celebs Apple iCloud accounts. People like Kate Upton, Kim Kardashian and Kirsten Dunst are outraged at the flagrant violation of their privacy, particularly since the hacker uploaded the nude pictures without first photoshopping them! One unnamed actress whose nudie pictures were hacked stated, “Those stolen photographs don’t truly represent who I really am. Prior to them being taken I had eaten a whole steak & kidney pie.” While some of the hacked ‘stars’ are quietly ‘grateful’ for the free publicity, the authorities acting on behalf of actresses whose careers are not yet on the wain, have said they will ‘prostitute’ anyone who posts stolen photographs online.

ELTON JOHN AND ME!

hands 1

Many years ago I was sitting on a park bench in Miami reading, when of all people, singer/songwriter Elton John strolled up to me to ask directions to a particular restaurant. I guess I was rude, engrossed as I was in a short story by William Fryer Harvey called ‘The Beast with Five Fingers’.  It was about a severed hand that went on its own killing spree. Anyway, several years later and I find myself sleeping on that same park bench. How amazing is that? The lesson to be learned here is, when life offers you a hand, grab it with all three of yours! Freak circuses may be un-PC but the money I would have earned might have paid for my very own PC! Hell even the British Royal Marine Commandos didn’t want someone with three hands. I said they’d make me a more efficient climber and killer. The recruitment sergeant said the Health & Safety Executive would frown on someone capable of firing a weapon and masturbating at the same time!

YOUR HEALTHY ‘APPETITE’ FOR LIFE IS BREAKING THE BANK!

foreign aid 3 Hey, do you smoke, eat too much and unhealthily, drink to excess and ‘enjoy’ recreational drugs? Well you’re costing the UK National Health Service too much damn money! According to the publicly funded think tank The centre for Economic & Business Research, Britain faces an £18billion bill relating to heart disease by 2020! Well let’s look on the bright side, that’s £18billion we won’t have to give in foreign aid, so don’t so any exercise and clog up those f**king arteries as quickly as possible! Better the money goes to you the taxpayer in healthcare costs, and not to a country you’ve never been to, run by an utterly corrupt government, whose ministers pocket half the money, while the rest goes to buy arms, whores, cultivate opium and fund terrorist groups!

By the way, remaining on the subject of ‘health’ for a moment, did you know the survival rate for breast cancer, lung cancer and prostate cancer has never been so high, thanks to the valiant efforts of our scientists? Thus elderly cancer survivors can now look forward to dying not from cancer, but from starvation or from the cold because money that should be earmarked to provide them food and heating is already given away in foreign aid…£13billion of it every year!

Anyone for another Big Mac? Oh, if it’s your round, I’ll take a double whiskey. Roll me a joint while you’re at it! ‘Exercise’, oh do f**k off!

 

HUMAN GUINEA PIGS WANTED!

human guinea pigs

For almost every new drug that hits the market promising you relief from colds & flu, to life threatening conditions, there must be clinical trials held under controlled laboratory conditions. So whether you suffer from bronchitis or cancer, banks of people have acted as guinea pigs for money! In the current economic climate there is shortage of hard up individuals replying to drug companies wishing to take part in trials. Of course there are side-effects. Mostly these are not life threatening, but the risk is always there. I recently returned home from taking part in a 9-day residential drug trial for a new eczema treatment. For this I was paid nearly £3000. Unfortunately I’ve now got scally skin, gills, an extra set of eyelids, webbed hands and feet, and a three-foot long tail! Oh, it appears I have a taste for human flesh too! On the up side, I hope to swim the English channel to France in record time! Thereafter I intend applying to RADA. In my opinion there just aren’t enough character actors around these days. I guess I’m the kind of ‘glass half full’ kinda gut!?!

ANTI-ISRAEL SLOGAN STAMPED ON BRITISH £5:00 NOTE!

Five pound note

Five-pound notes emblazoned with ‘Free Palestine! Boycott Israel!’ have surface in Bolton, Greater Manchester. Although the notes remain legal tender, the Bank of England warns defacing currency is illegal and those doing it risk prosecution! Bearing in mind nowadays £5:00 has a spending power of about £3:00, perhaps a more appropriate slogan on British paper money might be; ‘Quantitative Easing devalues this note!’ Or, ‘This £5:00 note isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on!’ Or, ‘The cocaine on this note is worth more than £5:00!’

‘ASSISTED’ MASTURBATION MAY BECOME A THING OF THE PAST!

 

Henry VCThe European Union says it is committed to reducing energy consumption by 30% by 2030. The EU’s Ecodesign directive is committed to eventually outlawing all high wattage electrical devices. High wattage televisions, washing machines and refrigerators are already consigned to the scrap heap. By next Spring high wattage vacuum cleaners and hair dryers will be outlawed too, so it comes as no surprise to me, since the recent announcement retailers have reported sales of 1,900 watts to 2,400 watts vacuum cleaners have gone through the roof. The ‘roof’ being a surge in sales of 44%! It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact householders have suddenly become house proud, but a lot to do with the fact no one fancies using a 900 max wattage device that will not lift dog hairs! Personally my sympathies are with the sexual deviants who rely on handheld, high wattage vacuum cleaners to get themselves off! That’ll knock the smile off the face of the Henry VC! Perhaps if MEPs, bureaucrats and civil servants in Brussels and The Haig didn’t leave so many lights burning, we wouldn’t have to reduce our energy consumption?

Meanwhile, the money sapping European Union Government has so far taken £36billion of member states contributions and funnelled the huge sum into their own gold-plated pension pots!

TRAVEL SICKNESS!

mal de mer

Despite Prime Minister David Cameron’s promise at the beginning of 2014 to keep immigration below 100,000, so far this year 240,000 economic migrants have entered the UK! Great efforts have been made to return Rumanian and Bulgarian beggars to their countries of origin, particularly those living rough in and around the West End of London, but as soon as they’re sent home, they reappear on out streets. I understand most of them are suffering from…travel sickness, particularly mal de mer!

UK ECONOMY RECOVERY…TRUTH OR LIE?

cash is king 1

One week we are told the economy is thriving, compared to the rest of Europe, and the following week it’s a different story! What is the truth? Well, every week of the year 36 pubs close. As quickly as one independent restaurant opens, another one closes. Over 200,000 small businesses are teetering on bankruptcy. It is said a mere 1% increase in the bank rate would push them over the edge. Meanwhile the banks refuse to support them further, and in some cases call in overdrafts. I know of two small businesses, one a printers and the other a dry cleaners where the owners sometimes don’t even take wages in order to keep the businesses afloat. Nor do the owners take annual holidays! The dry cleaning business has lost 50% of its trade over the last 5-years.

And the flip side to the story? Coffee house chains and ‘theme’ bistros chains have sprung up all over the country, continue to expand, and often have two branches in the same town. So not only must they compete with competitors, but against their own branches too! The question I want answered is, how can they survive when people’s disposable income is said to be lower now than before the 2008 crash? After a little bit of research I discovered most of the bistro chains are owned by private equity firms that have fingers in many different pies. For instance, did you know that Carluccio’s is owned by the Dubai-based Lanmark Group, PizzaExpress is owned by China-based private equity firm Hony Capital, Strada and Café Rouge is controlled by Tragus Group, which is itself owned by the Blackstone Group, the largest private equity firm in the world! Zizzi and AskItalian is controlled by the Gondola Group which is owned by Cinven, a European private equity firm. But it still doesn’t answer the question, where are people finding the money to eat at these places? One answer might be, we are cutting our cloth according to our needs! Looking for greater value for money, I suppose ‘white collar’ workers who used to spend money in pubs may now be frequenting bistros. Beer and spirits are now far, far cheaper bought in supermarkets. As always, comments are welcomed!

THE ‘SEAT’ OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE!

roman toilet seatArchaeologists in the Valley of Kings in Egypt have been excavating rare and valuable artefacts for well over 100-years, but what precious artefact recently unearthed in Britain has got archaeologists so hot under the collar? Would you believe a 2000-year-old wooden toilet seat and in ‘near-perfect’ condition? Discovered at Vindolanda fort on Hadrian’s Wall in Northumberland, it is thought the seat was used by Roman soldiers stationed there. Well I doubt the public intend queuing around the block to see that, do you? I remind you, an earlier model was discovered on the same site not ten years ago. That toilet seat…the X1 didn’t have a hole in the middle. Mass, messy evacuations were eventually curtailed by the advanced X2 model. You’re shitting me! And what mind-boggling fact can we deduce from the recent discovery? The Roman soldiers didn’t stick their bare asses over the wall after all. My life is complete!

A FREE ‘CAT’ WITH EVERY MORTGAGE!

flatpack box

Russian Sberbank is drumming up business by offering a free cat with every new mortgage. You can choose between one of ten different varieties which will be delivered in time for your housewarming party. The cat, a symbol of ‘good luck’ in Russia, is not for you to keep, but only to borrow for two hours. Well it got me to thinking! British lending institutions might consider offering a similar ‘inducement’, always assuming our banks start lending again. What about offering new mortgage customers the choice of ten different flatpack cardboard boxes which will yours to keep and use as a second ‘back-up’ home (exempt from property tax) when the bank repossesses your number one home?

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!

the right to bear arms

By now you must have all read about the 9-year-old girl from Arizona who accidentally shot dead her firing-range instructor at the Last Stop range using an Uzi sub-machine gun set on full automatic. It might be legal for a child to fire weapons, but is it wise, or moral? Buy the girl a puppy and teach her love and responsibility! I understand there are more guns in civilian hands in America than there are civilians. Is this a sign of an enlightened, sophisticated society? I think not! No country with such a large population and such huge landmass is ever at risk of invasion. How many massacres by people with young, underdeveloped brains must there be before Americans wake up to the fact, changing The Second Amendment to their Constitution (the right to bear arms) is inevitable?

WOULD YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM A ROBOT?

androidAccording to research undertaken by MIT’s Science & Artificial Intelligence Lab (CSAIL), human workers prefer to take orders from white-collar ‘robot‘ bosses when it comes to delegating, scheduling and coordinating tasks to be performed. Well I never! I thought robots were supposed to replace us on the on the shop floor only? Mind you, you’re not likely to find middle management robots sneaking outside for a quick fag or pestering a secretary for a quick f**k in exchange for a box chocolates and a trip to Miami! On the other hand I can’t imagine your mechanical boss is going to look too favourably upon a request for time off to attend a funeral, or to sort out any marital disharmony, can you? “Excuse me R2D2, but I need a sick day. I’m feeling generally run down and depressed.” Your 2 terabyte boss is likely to hand you a lithium iron battery to suck on before telling you to f**k off back to the factory floor!