THERE ‘WAS’ LIFE ON MARS!

mars bar

NASA’s Curiosity rover, which by the way, sent an encoded message back to earth stating it was no longer ‘that f**king curious’, has detected unexpected high levels of methane gas on the Red Planet, an indication of possible life on Mars. However, the ‘conclusive’ evidence that there was once intelligent life on the planet, was Curiosity’s discovery of an empty Mars Bar wrapper! US scientists are now attempting to work out whether it was high levels of cholesterol that caused the decline in Martian civilization! Did the little green men with big heads but tiny sphincter muscles deep fry their favourite confectionary, well only time will tell!

ANYONE FOR A CIGAR?

Cuban cigars

While the Russian Bear faces continued economic hardship from the drop in the price of oil, America has taken the opportunity to ‘buddy up’ with Cuba by promising to restore diplomatic ties with the Communist-led country, after 50-years of ‘talk to my hand, the face ain’t listening’. So I guess it’s cigars all round, Cuban that is! Now you would think the price of a Cuban would drop. Not so! Unfortunately there is likely to be such a demand on the stogie, that the price of a smoke will rise, not fall! Cigar clubs around the world are shitting themselves!

LIBRARIES TO CLOSE!

urban development

Over the next few years, many, many suburban libraries are set to close, particularly around London. The buildings are standing on extremely valuable plots of land. Local councils are set to make millions by selling the land to developers. My local library is classed as a ‘satellite’ library, in that it is very small, yet still large enough to erect a block of flats on. It too will go at some point! Then it will be sports fields and community greens. Thankfully, at the moment the only thing standing in the way of this rush to develop, is the lack of bricklayers, and of course, the shortage of bricks, with some large developers being told there is an 18-month wait! So for the moment we can enjoy browsing the library shelves for a good read, and wandering over health land with our dogs, but the moment will pass!  So in 30-years time there will be even more people who hand back their keys to the banks because they can’t afford their mortgage repayments, causing properties to remain unoccupied. Huh, such is progress! Uncontrolled urban development remains a blight on the landscape!

‘UP TO 50% OFF’!

50% off

Those adverts are so misleading. Most items offered for sale online on in shops are anything but 50% off. Certainly one or two items are heavily discounted, but most items for sale are not! The misleading adverts are merely an inducement to get you clicking or walking! A law should be passed forcing retailers to state the average percentage of discount across a whole range of goods. You would be quite surprised!

YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR FAMILY, ONLY YOUR FRIENDS!

Family

Friends, Romans, bloggers, please lend me your ‘unbiased’ ears! Last summer, against my advice, my mother turned up at her daughter’s house with Bunnee our Cavalier in tow. My sister and her three grown up children embarrassed and humiliated my mother by refusing to allow the dog into the house, ganging up on a little old lady of 83! Although my mother has seen my sister since on several occasions, I’ve never heard the end of this humiliation. So when I arrived with mother today for a pre-Christmas luncheon, I politely expressed my misgivings over the treatment of their grandmother. Of all the reactions I got, I honestly didn’t expect fits of giggles! Shame, not a bit of it! I told my sister the only reason she wouldn’t allow Bunnee into the house was due to the fact her mother didn’t have the price of admission. If Sonia lived in a mansion, and had millions of pounds in her estate to inherit upon her demise, my sister would definitely have let the dog into the house and onto the furniture, for fear of losing out an inheritance. Fair comment, or what? Naturally this sister Judy denied. Well she would, wouldn’t she? Then one of her sons had the cheek to try to shut me up. Mind you it was quite right that he should protect his mother, she is after all his cash-cow! Now this is a big-headed boy masquerading as a man. He may have a very successful career, a home of his own, a wife and two lovely children, but his hand is forever in his mother’s pocket, and indeed, will be again when my sister eventually sells her house. So I left! From my experience, in any family only one person has a beautiful soul, and that went to my mother. I certainly didn’t get it, and neither did my sister. I don’t actually hate anyone, but the truth is, my family members are mere acquaintances, and that’s how I’d like to keep it! It really is true you know, you can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends! On this blog, I really would appreciate comments!

Update!

Mother’s just arrived back home…by mini cab! As usual none of the grandchildren could be bothered to drive their grandmother home (20-minutes). Yet, if Sonia was stinking rich, her grandchildren would have fought over who drove their grandmother home! Right, or wrong? Unfortunately all my family members are plebs! Hey, blogging is a wonderful way to vent one’s spleen and get the toxins out of your body. It really is a cathartic experience!

WHO DO BLAME FOR CLIMATE CHANGE?

blame ganeHey, don’t blame me! I wear size 8 shoes, and I rarely go anywhere these days, and I’m not much of a consumer, so my carbon footprint is really miniscule compared to yours! Seriously folks, at whose feet can we lay blame at for climate change? Now according to two studies, one by the Woods Hole Research Centre in Massachusetts, and another one by the University of Saskatchewan in Canada, SQUIRRELS are to blame for global warming/greenhouse gases, or to be more precise, the arctic ground squirrel! Apparently, when digging burrows, the little critters melt permafrost, thus releasing organic material that has been preserved underground for years, in other words, methane and carbon dioxide. Hey, rubbishing the squirrel’s street cred doesn’t stop there, oh no! The rodent’s urine and faeces contribute to the process too, fertilising the soil around the released organic material and nourishing microbes that create methane. F**king little bastards! Oh dear me, it appears the Canadian BEAVER gets it in the neck too! Really? have I got ‘IGNORANT C**T’ written across my forehead, or what? Let’s get real! As if Secret Squirrel’s and Buffy the Beaver’s contributions to climate change is anywhere near as environmentally damaging as ours. Industrialization, deforestation, or even the methane created by the 30-million dairy cows in the world farting on a daily basis! At the end of the day, it’s not me, it’s you!

THE BEST PLACES TO LIVE IN BRITAIN!

St. Ives

The trouble with releasing the annual list of the ‘top 50 places to live in Britain’…number one, St. Ives, Cornwall…is that the nouveau riche get to hear about it and rush to make a purchase. Pretty soon you have no where to park, and must suffer loutish behaviour! So if you live in a beautiful spot, keep it to yourself!

HOW OFTEN ARE YOUR BINS COLLECTED?

super rats

According to a spokesperson for the Local Government Association, bin collections could be slashed to just once a month across large parts of Britain in an effort to cut the country’s budget deficit. Oh rats! Hey, talking about those pesky rodents, they have never had it so good! There are 89 million rats in the UK, and many of them are super rats. The size of small dogs, they are impervious to poisons and insults! Consequently, super rats know no fear, have long, sharp teeth, and feast on smaller rodents that have the temerity to feast on human refuse. Frankly, it is only a matter of time before super rats open car washes, commit online fraud and commence the trafficking of euro super rats into the United Kingdom! So that’s ‘euro trash’ for you! Me? I’m off to the doctor to get my shot for Black Death. I suggest you do the same. Roll on the summer!

ARE YOU ‘MOONING’ AT ME?

In Chinese mythology, Jade Rabbit lives on the...

In Chinese mythology, Jade Rabbit lives on the Moon where it makes herbal medicine. The rabbit is also mentioned in the novel Journey to the West. According to Korean and Japanese myths, a rabbit lives on the Moon making rice cakes (Tteok – the Korean word for rice cakes in general, and mochi, a different type of a rice cake with red bean filling, in the Japanese myth). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since China’s first moon rover, the 140kg Jade Rabbit touched down on the lunar surface, nothing has been heard from it. That is because the CIA’s own secret moon rover, the 168kg Wiley Coyote attacked the Jade Rabbit and ripped the heart out its circuit boards. Then good old Wiley raised its robotic rear leg and lubricated all over Jade Rabbit’s control panel. That’s one hell of an ‘up yours’! If you didn’t know the ‘year of the rabbit’ was over, well, you do now!

Updated:

It’s official, China’s Jade Rabbit Moon rover is experiencing mechanical problems and may not be able to finish its mission. It was designed to roam the lunar surface for three months while surveying for natural resources and sending back data. If you believe the reports, the problems appeared to be related to lunar dust blocking one of the solar panels. I choose to believe Jade Rabbit was anally probed to destruction by Wiley Coyote!

HONESTLY…I’M ‘STUNNED’!

Taser Gun Royalty Free Stock Images - 11714419Taser use against children by London’s Metropolitan Police has risen over six fold over four years. Stun guns were used on children 131 times between 2008 and 2012. Now let’s not get all aerated, there is a simple explanation! Due to accusations of ethnic minority bias, height restrictions for serving officers have been abolished, yet children have got bigger and taller, representing a real physical threat to 4-foot 9-inch tall officers who wish only to serve their communities by zapping disrespectful children with 100,00 volts! It is a fact children as young as seven show a marked lack of respect for authority, and this is due in part to the ‘unrealistic‘ way civilians address police officers on television dramas, particularly in soap operas. Furthermore children who take drugs and consume alcohol will behave irrationally, and in an altercation may be harmed. Sadly, theses days behaving badly in public is often the norm. I am afraid Tasering a child is very often justifiable! The first person to scream abuse of human rights is often a parent…a parent who displays no parenting skills whatsoever! I do wonder however what is going to happen when all British police officers are armed with deadly weapons? It is after all only a matter of time!

DIE ALREADY!

English: North Devon Crematorium Barnstaple

English: North Devon Crematorium Barnstaple (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No more dignity in death I am afraid! On the basis of ‘time is money’, Council-run North Devon Crematorium in Barnstaple will add the additional charge of £147:00 to the cost of a ceremony if the time between the hearse arriving and the last mourners’ cars departing exceeds 40 minutes. And the excess charge is being sent to the funeral directors, some of who are not passing on the charge to relatives, but this practice won’t last.

One Martin Williams, procurement and services delivery manager at North Devon Council which runs the crematorium, explained that funerals are booked in 40 minute slots. Services should last 30 minutes, allowing an additional 10 minutes for mourners to come and go. But he said that services can be extended by an additional 30 minutes if prearranged. He said: ‘It is the funeral director’s responsibility to assess the bereaved family’s needs and book the appropriate length of service accordingly.’

Hold the phone Joan! How on earth are funeral directors expected to know how many eulogists might wish to heap praise upon the deceased, or for that matter, scorn, especially when some funerals may be arranged at the last minute. From my experience of attending cremations, once the service is concluded, many of the mourners choose to hang around and converse. Furthermore, I have yet to witness a car park with say…50 to 100 cars empty in 10 minutes! This £147:00 add-on is another example of a stealth tax!

Presumably, when the remains of a deceased have cooled down sufficiently…enabling a bereaved party to take charge of them without the need to wear oven gloves…having returned to the scene of the crem’, the North Devon Crematorium will no doubt allocate the bereaved 90 seconds from car park to ‘pick-up point’ before an additional ‘waiting’ charge is incurred!

 

JENNIFER LAWRENCE ATE MY PIZZA!

jennifer lawrence

Hard to believe, but true! Now I believe I’ve mentioned I’m a lousy cook, but a great ‘assembler’ of food ingredients. So, last night about 8-o-clock my stomach felt like my throat had been cut. Having assembled a giant, 17-toping pizza, I placed it in my new fan-assisted oven and sat in the kitchen in the company of Bunnee, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel waited for supper to cook. Boy time dragged. Bunnee and I each had one of her gravy biscuits. All of a sudden, the doorbell rang! F**k me if it wasn’t Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence, 24! Apparently the actress was passing my house when she ordered her chauffeur to slam on the brakes. La Lawrence smelled my pizza cooking, and simply had to have a slice! I showed the young lady into the lounge and gushed! “I simply loved you in Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle!” Jenifer replied, “Never mind that, when’s the f**king pizza gonna be ready? My stomach feels like my throat’s been cut!” ‘Jeez,’ I thought, ‘we’re soulmates!’ Anyhow, we adjourned to the kitchen and ate heartily, and ‘heartedly’ meant scoffing four pizza slices each! Anyhow, after a great deal of farting and burping, Jennifer said, “Hey David, do you fancy a shower with me?” I let one off again. “Can I presume that’s a ‘yes’ to the shower?” I put La Lawrence over my right shoulder and carried the actress up the stairs and into my brand new ‘wet room’. Putting the young lady down, I shouted, “Julia, haven’t you finished yet? I’ve got Jennifer Lawrence with me, and we’re going to make love in the shower!” Honestly folks, soulmates are ten a penny!

ARE FUNERAL SELFIES TRENDING?

cell phone jammer

Father Michele Madonna of Naples, Italy, fed up with mobile phones going off during funeral services, has resorted to installing a phone signal jammer in his church. Well good on the priest! As a matter of fact, I once attended the funeral of an ex-mini cab driver, and not surprisingly, many of the mourners were themselves either mini cab drivers or black cabbies, and yes, cell phones did ring, and calls were answered! We won’t go in to the case of the female mourner caught playing ‘Candy Crush’ on her phone during the service! Really, the service became a bit of a pantomime. Why I half expected a cell phone to ring inside the coffin! “Hi, this is Alf. I’m not able to take your call at the moment, so please leave a message after the tone! If it’s Shirley, let’s do lunch, and if it’s Barbara the bitch, well you you’re not gonna get another penny out of me! I live to fight another day!” 

NAZIS ON TRIAL…WHY BOTHER NOW?

NO JUSTICE

I find it interesting that over the last ten-years or so, more alleged Nazi death camp guards have been revealed and put on trial for holocaust atrocities than in the previous 50-years! Many had been living freely in France, Britain, Germany and the US. Some had even been known to the authorities for years. All in their late 80s or early 90s, how come prosecutors waited until they were too infirm, or suffering from dementia to bring them to trial, and at a time when almost all the witnesses to their alleged atrocities were dead. The latest ‘show trial’ involves Auschwitz death camp guard Oskar Groning, 93, who faces charges of being an accessory to the murder of 300,000 Auschwitz prisoners during World war Two. The man himself claims to have merely worked as an accountant in the prison camp. His trial is set for April 2015. Don’t hold your breath for a satisfactory outcome! Honestly, how can anyone expect any convictions where ‘reliable’ witness statements depend upon 75-year-old memories? June 2014, 89-year-old Johann Breyer, Czechoslovakian émigré to the US since 1952, was arrested on charges relating to allegations that he was an SS guard at both Auschwitz and Buchenwald. He allegedly participated in the murders of 216,000 Jews. Breyer died prior to his hearing. What about the trial of 89-year-old John Demjanjuk in Munich in 2009? He was allegedly a guard at Sobibor, in Poland, and was tried as an accessory to the murder of 27,900 Jews. Since his conviction was pending appeal at the time of his death, Demjanjuk remains ‘presumed innocent’ under German law, and his earlier conviction was invalidated. I remain suspicious as to why politicians and prosecutors waited so long to bring alleged war criminals to trial! Authorities must have known where they were living all along! Once again, ‘politics’ is proved to be a dirty business!

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THYME!

Bouquet garni: thyme, bay leaves, sage

Bouquet garni: thyme, bay leaves, sage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ancient Egyptians used thyme for embalming. The ancient Greeks, believing it was a source of courage, used it in their baths and burnt it as incense in their temples. The Romans used it to purify their rooms. In the European Middle Ages, the herb was placed beneath pillows to aid sleep and ward off nightmares. Women would also often give knights and warriors gifts that included thyme leaves, as it was believed to bring courage to the bearer. Thyme was also used as incense and placed on coffins during funerals, as it was supposed to assure passage into the next life.

In modern times thyme is a common component of the bouquet garni. Pre-modern antibiotics, oil of thyme was used to medicate bandages. Used as an antiseptic, the herb is the main active ingredient in various commercially produced mouthwashes such as Listerine, alcohol-free hand sanitizers and anti-fungal treatments. A tea made by infusing the herb in water can be used for coughs and bronchitis.

Thank you Wikipedia. You are the fountain of knowledge! Now it’s thyme I walked the dog!