TANTRIC MASSAGE!

tantric massage

A court in Baden-Wurttemberg, Germany has ruled a Stuttgart massage parlour offering full-body erotic massage falls under the same 2012 ‘amusement tax’ as other businesses that ‘specifically grant the opportunity for sexual pleasure’, such as brothels and swingers clubs, ‘because massages included the genital area’.

Monica Kochs, owner of the massage parlour argued tantric massage should not be liable for tax because her tantric service provides ‘holistic well-being  and self-awareness’, not sexual pleasure. Yeah, pull the other one! I’d love to know what the difference is between a normal massage that results in sexual arousal and a tantric massage? If climax occurs, then surely the difference is mute? My advice to Monica Kochs is, change your accountant!

POPE FRANCIS AIN’T NO GASTRONOME!

 

pope

According to L’Osservatore Romano, Pope Francis turned up unannounced at the Vatican workers’ cafeteria, lining up alongside ‘stunned’ diners with his tray. Catholic ‘number one’ chose cod, pasta, grilled toms and French fries. Afterwards, when asked whether he enjoyed the meal, the Pontiff was heard to reply, “Il merluzzo è stato cotto troppo, la pasta era asciutta, i pomodori cotti erano insipidi e le patate fritte erano inzuppate. Non pranzerò f’ucking’ ancora qui!” (The cod was over-cooked, the pasta was dry, the grilled tomatoes were tasteless and the fries were soggy. I won’t be f**king dining here again!)

VEGETABLES THAT GLOW IN THE DARK!

nuclear waste

In a previous post I blogged about a stinking, rat infested 18,000-ton waste mountain that towers 40 foot high, located in a cul-de-sac in Cornwall Drive, St Paul’s Grey in south-east London. Here, private firm Waste-4-Fuel that runs the waste disposal site has not been paying for the rubbish mound to be treated or sent on for disposal or recycling. This waste mountain is not unique to Cornwall Drive. They are everywhere! I further mentioned these rotting, waste mountains are just one of the downsides of living in a First World country. There is of course another downside to living in a ‘developed’ nation. Nuclear waste, waste that cannot be neutralised, and has a shelf life of several hundred years!

It now appears likely villages and towns in the UK will be offered a ‘sweetener’ of £40million between them just to ‘talk‘ about allowing nuclear waste to be buried nearby. This ‘no-strings’ offer was announced as government ministers seek a site for a one bunker in which to store all the nuclear waste ever produced in England & Wales. The £12billion facility to be built up to 3,280 feet underground and the size of seven Royal Albert Halls, would accommodate all the existing nuclear waste, as well as any waste produced over the next 100 years. The £40million in ‘bribe money’ is meant to shut local authorities up while engineers drill exploratory bore holes in order to determine which site is most suitable. So if you and your family end up living within spitting distance from the biggest nuclear waste dump in the country, you can expect your home-grown garden vegetables to grow big and fat and glow in the dark! It goes without saying, they are not for eating, unless of course you wish to rot from the inside out! Excuse me, but how many times have we been that told nuclear energy is clean energy? Is it possible to over-react to radioactive waste, no!

 

MAGIC PEN…IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!

【数字娱乐八卦】Lernstift:可提醒拼写错误的智能笔 随着计算机的到来,我们已经越来越...

【数字娱乐八卦】Lernstift:可提醒拼写错误的智能笔 随着计算机的到来,我们已经越来越少使用… (Photo credit: ldjjj)

The LERNSTIFT pen could make simple spelling and grammatical errors a thing of the past by gently vibrating when the writer spells a word incorrectly or writes illegibly. Vibrating eh? I suspect it may have a dual purpose, one that the makers hadn’t envisaged!

The device uses fully built-in handwriting recognition technology and software, and can process written text and detect errors in English and German as a user writes. Germans Falk Wolsky and Daniel Kaesmacher, are appealing for more financial backers in their project via digital crowdfunding company Kickstarter, and are aiming to raise £120,000. The inventers hope the pen can be produced by the end of the year.

Users can also choose between a pencil, fountain pen and ballpoint pen. The computer inside the pen is an embedded Linux system and the circuit board contains motion sensor, processor, memory, Wi-Fi and vibration modules. The pen can then ‘learn’ to pick up of variations in the user’s writing methods. So the next time you send a poison pen letter, it should be error free! Of course if the vibrating pen doesn’t appeal to calligraphers, it may well appeal to sexual perverts and bored office workers! What a great way to kickstart your day!

CANINE ‘PET’ PASSPORTS!

pet passport

I waited four bloody months to get a canine passport for Bunnee my Cavalier, only to have it rejected on a technicality, or two! ‘Please resubmit the application with new photograph. Kindly ask your dog to refrain from smiling as this makes identification difficult. Furthermore please make sure ‘Bunnee’s’ paw print remains inside the box provided’. My next door neighbour and friend Abdul had a similar problem with Ruby, his Afghan Hound. Written across her rejected passport application was, ‘Please submit fresh photograph without burka as this makes identification impossible’.

PHWOAR ‘WAR’!

transformer aircraft

BAE Systems PLC, the British multinational defence, security & aerospace company headquartered in London that employs 88,200 people (including janitors), has announced plans to build fighter planes which split in two like ‘Transformers’, self-healing aircraft, and laser beam weapon systems that are so accurate, they will be able to burn a pimple off a witch’s tit from a distance of 5-miles! All these high-tech, nanotechnology-based gizmos are expected to be unveiled by 2040! F**k me, I’d love to be alive to see all of that deployed in the skies, but I suspect 2040 actually translates into 2140! Who is actually going to pay for all that ‘research & development’? I can see £500billion going up in smoke, don’t you? And even if the new tech works, where is the government going to get the money to pay for the new planes? Present defence budgets are already cut to the bone, with the Army, Royal Ait Force and the Royal Navy bleeding from recent cuts. Nah, I think it’s all ‘pie-in-the-sky’! The ‘futurists’ who came up with these concepts, based at BAE Systems lab in Warton, Lancashire will just have to settle on playing video games for the time being. Leave it to HOLLYWOOD!  

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’…I DON’T THINK SO!

happy conception day

Anyone who knows me will tell you I have a ‘wicked’ sense of humour, so please don’t think I’m a kill joy for what I am about to say! I have never understood this preoccupation with wishing someone a ‘happy birthday’ every Goddamn 12-months. In the relatively safe Western World, it is no great achievement to survive from one year to the next. All you have to do is avoid getting shot or run over. Most of us achieve that. Why even I’m caught up in other people’s birthday greetings, dragging myself off to card shops several times a year in order to buy a suitable piece of card with a suitable greeting inside of it. And another thing, surely a more suitable celebration date would be the ‘conception’ date? When a drunken sperm finally made it to a hospitable egg in order to create life, is in my book much more relevant a date. Back to birthdays! So for a few consecutive hours a year you’re ‘special’, and then, at one-minute past midnight you ain’t anymore! Honestly, the whole birthday greeting thing is ridiculous!

MEMBER OF BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY CAUGHT TAKING DRUGS!

Estimate race horse

Five-year-old filly ‘Estimate’, trained by Sir Michael Stoute, a horse that won the 2013 Gold Cup at Royal Ascot and came second in the 2014 Gold Cup, has failed a drugs test. Sadly the Queen’s horse tested positive for morphine after eating contaminated feed Alfalfa Oil Plus. The British Horseracing Authority (BHA) has yet to determine if Estimate should be stripped of her 2014 Gold Cup place money of £80, 625. I wonder if Her Majesty will forfeit her £155,960 prize money too? Meanwhile, in order to prevent Estimate becoming addicted to morphine, the filly has been rushed off to The Priory rehab clinic. An early intervention is always best! Jeez…I’ve just had a thought! I have a bowl of that Alfalfa Oil Plus feed every single day just to keep me regular. I do hope my supply isn’t tainted? Mummy!

MAYFAIR, LONDON…HOMES FOR £85,000!

winnebago

Usually a ‘starter’ home in Mayfair, in the heart of central London…homes to pop stars and Russian oligarchs… would set you back a few million pounds, however an opportunity has arisen to get hold of a W1 residence for as little as £85,000! That’s right, ‘chump change’. Three park parking spaces have become available in the multi-storey Mayfair Car Park, and each space comes with a 100-year lease and 24-hour security. I figure to buy one of the spaces and move my Winnebago in straight away, which of course I would intend living out of! And that’s how to live cheaply in Mayfair! Best of all, there’s no council tax to pay. Normally, to park a car will cost you £9:00 per hour, or £49:00 per 24-hours, or £3,600 per year. £85,000 over 100-years is equal to only £2:30 pence per day. Now if only I was a professional ‘dipper’, the parking space would pay for itself in the first year. F**k me, I should have been an economist!

THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN’S AIR SPACE!

spitfire Despite an over-whelming air superiority, 74-years ago it was the RAF that won the Battle of Britain, that waged for 3-months and 3-weeks, and not the Luftwaffe! It would appear the Germans are nothing if not patient! Seventy-four-years later, the Germans have finally won control of Britain’s air space, or if not all of it, then a bloody big chunk of it! As of October 2015, and for ten years, state-owned Deutsche Flugsicherung (catchy name) will provide air traffic control over all outgoing and incoming flights below 4000-feet at Gatwick Airport!

As a once proud Briton, I can’t help feeling my homeland has to some extent become the whore of Europe. We allow anyone in, and at any time. We allow any foreign-owned and controlled company to take control of our industries, from the auto-motive industry, to the steel industry, to the pharmaceutical industry, to rail stock, to the confectionary industry, to prime hotel and other property sites, and to the veterinary care and health care industries! Way back in the 1970′s, when it has to said, we did produce some quite shoddy goods, the government of the day rolled out a ‘Back Britain’ campaign when it came to buying and exporting British made goods. You could never ‘resuscitate’ that campaign today for there is precious little manufactured that could legitimately be called a British product. As a race, regrettably we are beholden upon the kindness of strangers!

There are of course two sectors in which British companies are thriving…the taking in of foreign ‘dirty laundry’. That is to say, neutralizing foreign toxic waste, and the ‘washing’ of trillions of dollars of dirty foreign money. It is only the fact that we kept Sterling, rejecting the adoption of the Euro that keeps foreign investments flooding in, and it is primarily this that keeps the British economy afloat! Wise men & women claim we are well on the way to economic recovery! Interesting? Leading insolvency firm Begbies Traynor has suggested a 1% rise in the interest rates could tip more than 200,000 businesses into administration. If a mere 1% increase in interest rates can do this, then you must agree, those 200,000 businesses cannot be considered particularly viable! What is the truth when it comes to the British economy? Maybe we’ll find out when the banks stop filling up their ATM machines and I meet you in the bread queue? But where is the old British Bulldog spirit that served us so well in the past? Well, I have it on good authority the Bulldog has been neutered! He and we no longer spitfire!

And if you think I’m exaggerating  my claims, well try this one on for size! Most of the surgical knives that are used to cut open your nearest & dearest are in fact made in India! David Cameron’s campaign to ‘buy British’ has come about 40-years too late!

*Remember, don’t ‘shoot the scribe’, for one day I hope to bring you more GOOD tidings!

BREASTS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT!

Josie

Josie (Photo credit: chrisforsyth)

Six months after undergoing a £4,800 breast enlargement surgery, taking her to a 36-3DD, courtesy of the taxpayer, 23 year-old mother and ex-thousand-pound-a-night escort, but now a wannabe ‘glamour model’ Josie Cunningham, demanded a breast reduction op, again, on the taxpayer! Darling, I believe what you wanted was a ‘retro-fitting’. Hell girl, them boobies are still under warranty! Apparently Josie’s ample 3-D frontage was attracting too much negative attention, that and the fact that were constantly pulling her over, leaving her in the gutter. No doubt a not unfamiliar position to find herself in!

Now pregnant again, allegedly by an unknown ‘john’, Miss Cunningham, so desperate to cling to her 15-minutes of fame, is furious that a ‘pound shop’ chain has pulled out of a deal to sell DVDs of her upcoming childbirth. It has been suggested that a whole pound was far too large a sum to pay to see a nobody spreading her legs in order to push out a baby of unknown origin! Thousand-pound-a-night escort? Make that a thousand Rupees. Have you seen the picture? Why I’d rather f**k a hole in a fence! Is it right that the Press vilify Cunningham at every opportunity? Well that’s the price you pay for seeking publicity in the first place!

I once lived with a young lady who borrowed £7,000 to have her boobies enlarged to a similar size to Josie’s. I eventually had to move out of the flat just to give Madeline more room! Six months later I received a desperate phone call. Madeline had lost her PR job and was behind with her monthly boobie payments. She was worried that bailiffs might come round to conduct a REPOSSESSION. ‘Run and hide,’ I said, although there wasn’t much chance of that!

DESIGNER VAGINAS…DO YOU PAY ‘LIP SERVICE’ TO YOURS?

"V" Is for Vagina

“V” Is for Vagina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Daily Mail newspaper, women are getting increasingly distorted ideas of what their genitalia should look like, with many wrongly thinking their bodies are ‘abnormal’. It should be noted that the number of labiaplasties performed by NHS has risen five-fold since 2001. Frankly I think women in general have become far too ‘anal’ about their vaginas! Unless you intend embarking on a new career in the porn industry, why on earth would you volunteer to go under the knife for purely aesthetic reasons? Mark my words, no good will come of it! Be grateful you can pee straight and reach orgasm. William Shakespeare was wrong when he wrote: ‘Oh Labia, Labia, wherefore art thou labia?‘ So before booking in your private parts for surgery, ask yourself this! Is your vagina ‘fit for purpose’? I know it is said ‘lose lips sink ships’, but we’re not at war? So, as long as a good ride was had by all, don’t fiddle with your fanny! However I can’t promise I won’t fiddle with my todger!

DO YOU FEEL ‘BLUE’ TOO?

blue crab

Alaskan crab fisherman Frank McFarland was left dumbstruck when he looked into the pot of crabs he’s just caught in the clean water off Nome only to discover one of the king crab was…blue!

Now a local celebrity, strangers are turning up at Norton Sound Seafood Centre and shelling out big Canadian bucks in order to take selfies alongside the crustacean. A spokesperson for the Alaska Department of Fish & Game in Nome cannot rightly explain what turned the king crab blue, suggesting it was a mutation. Clearly depression is a mental illness not only suffered by human beings! In this instance the king crab at the centre of all the attention has a right to feel blue, because once its ‘celebrity’ wanes, Mr McFarland intends to have his catch…mounted!

Postscript: British coastal waters are contaminated by millions of discarded prescription drugs flushed down toilets, including antidepressants such as Prozac! Therefore it is very unlikely anyone will discover any blue crabs here!

PRIVATE PARTS…PUBLIC ACCESS!

virgin territoryVirginity, do you save it until you find Mr or Miss Right, or if it’s too much of a burden, do you get rid of it? Thanks in part to general promiscuity, and the backlash to it, and to a generally sexually obsessed society, ‘private parts’ have never been so in your face, particularly celebrity private parts! Indeed, ‘Virgin Territory’, which premieres on MTV, features 15 virgins of both sexes between 18 and 23 who are either saving themselves or actively looking to have sex. Let us not forget, having sex with someone you’ve just met and making love to a chemically compatible lover can be two quite different experiences. Female virginity, once protected by the wearing of a chastity belt is now on occasion auctioned on the internet for free publicity and money.

Thanks to the ‘safety’ of the pill (1960′s), female virginity holds less of a value than it once did. Virgin territory? Of course, once you’ve has it…sex…there is no going back, for ‘more’ is what you crave! Sex before marriage, once frowned upon, nowadays seems to be the ideal way to find the perfect partner. What is the point of marrying a virgin only to discover the two of you are not sexually compatible? If a couple cannot enjoy one another’s bodies, well how long to you think the marriage will last before one party strays? On the other hand, here in the UK the D.I.V.O.R.C.E rate is 49%. Clearly there are factors other than sexual incompatibility that determines whether a couple will stick it out or not.

Remaining ‘chaste’ until Mr or Miss Right appears may ‘seem’ a good idea, but what if your perfect partner/soul-mate doesn’t make an appearance? Many of us have no interest in ‘true-love’ for it can be messy. In any event, good sex doesn’t last forever, for one party could fall seriously ill, but a true ‘friendship’ can last forever. And then there are those of us who are quite content to settle for a regular ‘f**k-buddy’? The fact is, the purpose of the male and female orgasm is God’s way of reminding us to procreate, for without the orgasm our species would undoubtedly die out!

Me? I lost my virginity a long time ago, and for the life of me I cannot remember to who, but whoever she was I’m sure the young lady was suitably grateful!

BREAKING NEWS…POLITICIANS ARE DISHONEST!

dirty politics

Huh, some kind of revelation…I don’t think! Now according to the chairman of the Committee on Standards in PubicPublic Life, British politicians must be made aware of their duties to be honest, open, accountable and…’selfless’! Selfless? Well that’s some tall order! I do think demanding a ‘self-serving’ elected Member of Parliament to act out so of character is a stretch too far! In any event, British MPs are expected to attend ‘ethical training’ classes. Oh boy! A report by the Committee indicated that fewer than 1 in 5 MPs elected for the first time since 2010 attended even 1 ‘induction’ session, and one on dealing with ‘ethical dilemmas’ was actually cancelled when too few MPs signed up for it. Way to go!

The Recall Bill before Parliament which gives the public the power to remove MPs who have behaved in ways that fall short of the standards expected of them, in my humble opinion, will be rejected by those same self-serving MPs. Never forget, ‘politics’ is a dirty business, and there is no room for ethics in it. If MPs couldn’t line their pockets at our expense, no prospective parliamentarian would bother canvassing for votes!