There is a rumour spreading like melted chocolate that within 6-years there could be an annual, worldwide cocoa bean shortage of one million tons from the current crop of 3.5miilion tons. Is the likely shortage due to crop disease, yes and no! Developing nations such as China and India are developing a taste for confectionary, which means soon there won’t be enough chocolate to go round! Well that’s just f**king typical, no sooner do the working classes raise themselves up to become the new middle class, and I have to share my f**king chocolate! It’s no wonder commodity speculators are buying up current crops of cocoa beans! Soon the bean will acquire the status of saffron, truffles and caviar. Oh why can’t the Asians and Orientals just suck on a caramel coated bulls penis?
A group of visitors dialled 911 after they got lost on the 63-acre Cool Patch Pumpkins corn maze, the world’s largest maze, near Sacramento, CA. So the cell phone was a timely invention after all! Meanwhile, academics at the University of Utah reported men are genetically predisposed towards being better map readers than women, in their quest for new sexual partners outside the existing gene pool. Men, a keener sense of direction, really? Now who but a fool would enter a 63-acre maze without a map, emergency rations to last a month, oh, and a bloodhound? I can just about manoeuvre around a shopping mall without getting lost, so you wouldn’t ever catch me negotiating in a maze unless it was for the sole purpose of ridding myself of someone I loathed!
While the British National Health Service has been warned by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt it must save £10billion a year by 2020, Prime Minister David Cameron is still dead set on enshrining in law a pledge to spend 1% of Britain’s national income on foreign aid, currently £13billion a year, much of it going to governments who are hostile towards their own people! Bearing in mind the Britain Government and its people are over £2trillion in debt, is it not a case of pledging money we don’t actually have? Giving away money a government has yet to borrow, is a recipe for disaster! In truth, no one has yet recovered from the 2008 worldwide financial meltdown. If there is another financial collapse in the next few years, you won’t even be able to get your own money out of ATMs! The ‘end game’ must be, panic on the streets!
Whether you’re a talented writer, artist or a composer, no agent is going to knock on your door or email you to offer to you representation! One must stick ones manuscript or portfolio under ones arm and take yourself off to where the action is, and ‘market’ oneself! I cannot do that, which is why my work will never see the light of day!
Yelena Borisovna Mizoulina, the Chairwoman of the Parliamentary Commission on Women’s Affairs, has suggested giving Russian women President Vladimir Putin’s sperm in a bid to create a new ‘military & political elite’, with accompanying privileges. Would not Pres Putin be in danger of spreading himself a bit thin? Hey, didn’t the Nazis try something similar? Were not Wunderkind born on Aryan baby farms? If the story is true, Ms Mizoulina is so far up Putin’s ass, she might as well change her name to…Sukimova!
It’s when they are given ‘form’ that the costs go through the roof! I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in Britain we find it almost impossible to keep to a budget when constructing anything! Labour costs eat at least half of construction costs. New roads, railways, airport runways, aircraft carriers and submarines always end up costing more than the original fiscal forecasts. With over a thousand years of ship building behind us, how come we no longer build cruise ships? We are no longer trusted to keep to budget or to deliver on time. A shocking indictment of a once great nation!
According to a study by computer-aided mathematicians Duncan Forgan and Arwen Nicholson from the University of Edinburgh, ALIEN PROBES from far away worlds could already be in our solar system. It is said, fleets of hi-tech alien probes invisible to our relatively PRIMITIVE technology could have explored our galaxy. B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S!
The rate at which we Earthlings are sucking the life out of our own planet, by the time aliens do visit us, they’ll be nothing left down here for us to trade with them! Quite frankly, what we don’t need are any more visitors. Earth is over-crowded enough! No doubt we’ll do to aliens what we do to other illegal immigrants…pay them to f**k-off! Me thinks someone’s been watching too much Star Trek! Invisible alien probes? Oh for God sake, take a suppository and CHILL OUT!
I don’t know about you, but there are certain phrases that get on my NERVES!
‘I’m gutted!‘ Oh no you’re not. You’re upset, even distraught, but you’re not actually gutted. If you were really gutted you’d know about it. Your insides would be outside. You hear ‘I’m gutted’ a lot on television, particularly on cookery shows. Hell, if everyone who’s said ‘I’m gutted’ actually was gutted, well, the world would be knee-deep’ in pustulating intestines!
You’re joking me!’ Double YUK.
‘It’s not rocket science.‘ Used by everyone except rocket scientists.
‘Alright mate?’ (when talking to a woman).
Here’s a really wacky idea one might employ in order to extend one’s vocabulary;
TRY READING A BOOK OCCASIONALLY, DUMB-ARSE! If you find this blog offensive…GOOD!
I went out to dinner with friends last night. The six of us dined at Joe Allen in Exeter Street, Covent Garden. We were in the middle of the starters when Nigel, a friend of a friend turned up walking with a cane. The ‘so-called’ mischievous thespian wandered over to our table and pulled up a chair. “What’s up,” I asked. Nigel replied, “Slipped disc!” Wincing, he very carefully lowered himself into his seat. Staring at my chopped liver starter, Nigel uttered those immortal words, “That reminds me, I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in days!” Well everyone broke up. I guess I would have too if it hadn’t been my chopped liver!
According to Professor Robert Yolken, from John Hopkins University in Baltimore, nearly half of us could be infected with the chlorovirus ATCV-1 living in our throats, that was previously only thought to exist in certain types of algae. The thing is, those of us who are infected with the virus will perform badly in cognitive ability/intelligence tests. So in effect, if you are unlucky enough to have inherited the ‘stupid’ gene, and carry the chlorovirus ATCV-1, there is no getting away from the fact you’re thick as shit! My advice would be not to attempt to build that nuclear reactor in the garden shed!
Britain’s Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has said that women soldiers are likely to be sent to fight on the front lines in the near future. The US, Canada, France, Australia Germany, Norway, Denmark, the Netherlands and Israel already have fighting infantrywomen. I am of the opinion that women in battle would make ferocious soldiers. The fear of being captured, humiliated, gang-raped and mutilated would instil a ‘grit’ in women that would encourage them to fight to the death!
On the other hand it has just been revealed that British girls are the fattest in Europe! Oh dear me, obesity levels have reached alarming levels! Here’s a thought, why doesn’t the British Army form a fat lady infantry regiment? Faced with a dangerous foe, fat female soldiers, armed with doner kebabs could be rolled down a hill to ‘engage’ the enemy!
England is a tiny island, made even tinier from the effects of coastal erosion, yet the population has exploded in recent years due to mass immigration and copious amounts of consensual sex. It is not surprising therefore that there is a lack of suitable housing for those who fly in, drive in, ride in…concealed in the backs of refrigerated lorries…swim in, and in rare cases, drop in, falling frozen from the undercarriage of an aeroplanes. As recently as only the other day I read a story relating to abandoned mansions in The Bishops Avenue, north-west London. Dubbed ‘Billionaires’ Row’, apparently 16 properties are currently standing empty after being abandoned by their super-wealthy owners, some remaining unoccupied for up to 25 years, properties with a combined value of an estimated £350million. Some of the ‘occupied’ properties are only occupied for perhaps a few weeks in the year, the rich foreign owners preferring to reside in more sunnier climes.
As a child I used to live not that far from The Bishops Avenue, but in far less grand surroundings. Then The Bishops Avenue was known as merely Millionaires’ Row! Anyway, it runs between Hampstead Heath/ Highgate in one direction and the much less salubrious East Finchley in the other direction. Once you cross the A1 main road and head towards East Finchley, the properties become smaller and cheaper, but still out of the reach of the average person’s pocket.
Among the empty houses on the road – home to media baron Richard Desmond as well as members of the Saudi and Brunei royal families – is Heath Hall, currently on sale for £65million. The 14-bedroom house, which was built for the founder of the Tate & Lyle sugar empire, cost its latest owner £40million to renovate after it fell into disrepair following years of neglect. Other properties which are now on the market include Dryades, valued at £30million, which was repossessed from a former Pakistani government minister. Then there are the oligarchs! Over the decades The Bishops Avenue has attracted some dubious characters, from rag-trade millionaires, to foreign criminals disguised as government ministers. No one with any class or sophistication would be caught dead living in The Bishops Avenue, then, or now, least of all any actual bishops!
Mayor for London Boris Johnson has backed calls to levy punitive rates of council tax on homes which are unoccupied for two years or more, and campaigners are pushing for the Government to confiscate unused land if developers refuse to build on it.
Since the UK Government and its people share indebtedness in excess of more than £2trillion, publicly funded think tankers have been encouraged to come up with various ways to steal more money from the electorate, disguised as ‘taxation’. One of the ideas to help replenish the Treasury is to introduce a mansion tax on properties valued at £2million+. Since Buckingham Palace has recently been valued at £1billion, making it the most valuable private premises in the known world, Her Majesty the Queen, who by the way is forever pleading poverty, must be crapping herself! I guess the only way to avoid the dreaded mansion tax would be to convert the ‘town house’ into self-contained flats! My idea for raising additional taxes is far more reaching! Why not introduce a tax on garden sheds and fixed, brick-built barbecues? I say, if you’re going to screw the people, go all the way!
Abandoning a policy of ‘white supremacy’ in favour of one of ‘diversity’, the Rocky Mountain Knights, who stand for ‘a strong America’ are now accepting Jews, people of ‘colour’ and gays into the Ku Klux Klan. F**k me, the racists and bigots belonging to other KKK chapters must be pulling their own teeth out! I do wonder however how many Jews, black people and homosexuals will actually queue up to join? Naturally they will still have to parade around in white robes and pointy hats and involve themselves in strange rituals, such as carrying around Star of David’s on their backs instead of crosses. Oh dear me, standards of behaviour are certainly declining! Next we’ll hear Klansmen are tucking into kosher cuisine!
Christmas is approaching, and for some it is the season to be merry, while for others it is the time of the year to extract vengeance! So what do you get the man or woman who’s got everything, including a smug, self-satisfying grin? Is there someone you particularly dislike, someone whose Christmas you’d dearly love to spoil? S***Express allows people to send manure anonymously, and paid for by Bitcoin. Why you can even stipulate which animal’s excrement you wish to send! Can I presume there’s a ‘stench’ sliding scale? I’m only disappointed I didn’t think of the idea first!
Would you consume drinking water containing…animal droppings? No, me neither, but then again, I don’t live Xiangtan, in southern China’s Hunan province, where villagers collect fresh cow and sheep manure, dry it in the sun, or cook it over a fire. Then it is ground up, mixed with water and drunk. A cure-all it may well be, but I would wait a while after drinking it before going out on a date!