MEMBER OF BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY CAUGHT TAKING DRUGS!

Estimate race horse

Five-year-old filly ‘Estimate’, trained by Sir Michael Stoute, a horse that won the 2013 Gold Cup at Royal Ascot and came second in the 2014 Gold Cup, has failed a drugs test. Sadly the Queen’s horse tested positive for morphine after eating contaminated feed Alfalfa Oil Plus. The British Horseracing Authority (BHA) has yet to determine if Estimate should be stripped of her 2014 Gold Cup place money of £80, 625. I wonder if Her Majesty will forfeit her £155,960 prize money too? Meanwhile, in order to prevent Estimate becoming addicted to morphine, the filly has been rushed off to The Priory rehab clinic. An early intervention is always best! Jeez…I’ve just had a thought! I have a bowl of that Alfalfa Oil Plus feed every single day just to keep me regular. I do hope my supply isn’t tainted? Mummy!

MAYFAIR, LONDON…HOMES FOR £85,000!

winnebago

Usually a ‘starter’ home in Mayfair, in the heart of central London…homes to pop stars and Russian oligarchs… would set you back a few million pounds, however an opportunity has arisen to get hold of a W1 residence for as little as £85,000! That’s right, ‘chump change’. Three park parking spaces have become available in the multi-storey Mayfair Car Park, and each space comes with a 100-year lease and 24-hour security. I figure to buy one of the spaces and move my Winnebago in straight away, which of course I would intend living out of! And that’s how to live cheaply in Mayfair! Best of all, there’s no council tax to pay. Normally, to park a car will cost you £9:00 per hour, or £49:00 per 24-hours, or £3,600 per year. £85,000 over 100-years is equal to only £2:30 pence per day. Now if only I was a professional ‘dipper’, the parking space would pay for itself in the first year. F**k me, I should have been an economist!

THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN’S AIR SPACE!

spitfire Despite an over-whelming air superiority, 74-years ago it was the RAF that won the Battle of Britain, that waged for 3-months and 3-weeks, and not the Luftwaffe! It would appear the Germans are nothing if not patient! Seventy-four-years later, the Germans have finally won control of Britain’s air space, or if not all of it, then a bloody big chunk of it! As of October 2015, and for ten years, state-owned Deutsche Flugsicherung (catchy name) will provide air traffic control over all outgoing and incoming flights below 4000-feet at Gatwick Airport!

As a once proud Briton, I can’t help feeling my homeland has to some extent become the whore of Europe. We allow anyone in, and at any time. We allow any foreign-owned and controlled company to take control of our industries, from the auto-motive industry, to the steel industry, to the pharmaceutical industry, to rail stock, to the confectionary industry, to prime hotel and other property sites, and to the veterinary care and health care industries! Way back in the 1970′s, when it has to said, we did produce some quite shoddy goods, the government of the day rolled out a ‘Back Britain’ campaign when it came to buying and exporting British made goods. You could never ‘resuscitate’ that campaign today for there is precious little manufactured that could legitimately be called a British product. As a race, regrettably we are beholden upon the kindness of strangers!

There are of course two sectors in which British companies are thriving…the taking in of foreign ‘dirty laundry’. That is to say, neutralizing foreign toxic waste, and the ‘washing’ of trillions of dollars of dirty foreign money. It is only the fact that we kept Sterling, rejecting the adoption of the Euro that keeps foreign investments flooding in, and it is primarily this that keeps the British economy afloat! Wise men & women claim we are well on the way to economic recovery! Interesting? Leading insolvency firm Begbies Traynor has suggested a 1% rise in the interest rates could tip more than 200,000 businesses into administration. If a mere 1% increase in interest rates can do this, then you must agree, those 200,000 businesses cannot be considered particularly viable! What is the truth when it comes to the British economy? Maybe we’ll find out when the banks stop filling up their ATM machines and I meet you in the bread queue? But where is the old British Bulldog spirit that served us so well in the past? Well, I have it on good authority the Bulldog has been neutered! He and we no longer spitfire!

And if you think I’m exaggerating  my claims, well try this one on for size! Most of the surgical knives that are used to cut open your nearest & dearest are in fact made in India! David Cameron’s campaign to ‘buy British’ has come about 40-years too late!

*Remember, don’t ‘shoot the scribe’, for one day I hope to bring you more GOOD tidings!

BREASTS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT!

Josie

Josie (Photo credit: chrisforsyth)

Six months after undergoing a £4,800 breast enlargement surgery, taking her to a 36-3DD, courtesy of the taxpayer, 23 year-old mother and ex-thousand-pound-a-night escort, but now a wannabe ‘glamour model’ Josie Cunningham, demanded a breast reduction op, again, on the taxpayer! Darling, I believe what you wanted was a ‘retro-fitting’. Hell girl, them boobies are still under warranty! Apparently Josie’s ample 3-D frontage was attracting too much negative attention, that and the fact that were constantly pulling her over, leaving her in the gutter. No doubt a not unfamiliar position to find herself in!

Now pregnant again, allegedly by an unknown ‘john’, Miss Cunningham, so desperate to cling to her 15-minutes of fame, is furious that a ‘pound shop’ chain has pulled out of a deal to sell DVDs of her upcoming childbirth. It has been suggested that a whole pound was far too large a sum to pay to see a nobody spreading her legs in order to push out a baby of unknown origin! Thousand-pound-a-night escort? Make that a thousand Rupees. Have you seen the picture? Why I’d rather f**k a hole in a fence! Is it right that the Press vilify Cunningham at every opportunity? Well that’s the price you pay for seeking publicity in the first place!

I once lived with a young lady who borrowed £7,000 to have her boobies enlarged to a similar size to Josie’s. I eventually had to move out of the flat just to give Madeline more room! Six months later I received a desperate phone call. Madeline had lost her PR job and was behind with her monthly boobie payments. She was worried that bailiffs might come round to conduct a REPOSSESSION. ‘Run and hide,’ I said, although there wasn’t much chance of that!

DESIGNER VAGINAS…DO YOU PAY ‘LIP SERVICE’ TO YOURS?

"V" Is for Vagina

“V” Is for Vagina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Daily Mail newspaper, women are getting increasingly distorted ideas of what their genitalia should look like, with many wrongly thinking their bodies are ‘abnormal’. It should be noted that the number of labiaplasties performed by NHS has risen five-fold since 2001. Frankly I think women in general have become far too ‘anal’ about their vaginas! Unless you intend embarking on a new career in the porn industry, why on earth would you volunteer to go under the knife for purely aesthetic reasons? Mark my words, no good will come of it! Be grateful you can pee straight and reach orgasm. William Shakespeare was wrong when he wrote: ‘Oh Labia, Labia, wherefore art thou labia?‘ So before booking in your private parts for surgery, ask yourself this! Is your vagina ‘fit for purpose’? I know it is said ‘lose lips sink ships’, but we’re not at war? So, as long as a good ride was had by all, don’t fiddle with your fanny! However I can’t promise I won’t fiddle with my todger!

DO YOU FEEL ‘BLUE’ TOO?

blue crab

Alaskan crab fisherman Frank McFarland was left dumbstruck when he looked into the pot of crabs he’s just caught in the clean water off Nome only to discover one of the king crab was…blue!

Now a local celebrity, strangers are turning up at Norton Sound Seafood Centre and shelling out big Canadian bucks in order to take selfies alongside the crustacean. A spokesperson for the Alaska Department of Fish & Game in Nome cannot rightly explain what turned the king crab blue, suggesting it was a mutation. Clearly depression is a mental illness not only suffered by human beings! In this instance the king crab at the centre of all the attention has a right to feel blue, because once its ‘celebrity’ wanes, Mr McFarland intends to have his catch…mounted!

Postscript: British coastal waters are contaminated by millions of discarded prescription drugs flushed down toilets, including antidepressants such as Prozac! Therefore it is very unlikely anyone will discover any blue crabs here!

PRIVATE PARTS…PUBLIC ACCESS!

virgin territoryVirginity, do you save it until you find Mr or Miss Right, or if it’s too much of a burden, do you get rid of it? Thanks in part to general promiscuity, and the backlash to it, and to a generally sexually obsessed society, ‘private parts’ have never been so in your face, particularly celebrity private parts! Indeed, ‘Virgin Territory’, which premieres on MTV, features 15 virgins of both sexes between 18 and 23 who are either saving themselves or actively looking to have sex. Let us not forget, having sex with someone you’ve just met and making love to a chemically compatible lover can be two quite different experiences. Female virginity, once protected by the wearing of a chastity belt is now on occasion auctioned on the internet for free publicity and money.

Thanks to the ‘safety’ of the pill (1960′s), female virginity holds less of a value than it once did. Virgin territory? Of course, once you’ve has it…sex…there is no going back, for ‘more’ is what you crave! Sex before marriage, once frowned upon, nowadays seems to be the ideal way to find the perfect partner. What is the point of marrying a virgin only to discover the two of you are not sexually compatible? If a couple cannot enjoy one another’s bodies, well how long to you think the marriage will last before one party strays? On the other hand, here in the UK the D.I.V.O.R.C.E rate is 49%. Clearly there are factors other than sexual incompatibility that determines whether a couple will stick it out or not.

Remaining ‘chaste’ until Mr or Miss Right appears may ‘seem’ a good idea, but what if your perfect partner/soul-mate doesn’t make an appearance? Many of us have no interest in ‘true-love’ for it can be messy. In any event, good sex doesn’t last forever, for one party could fall seriously ill, but a true ‘friendship’ can last forever. And then there are those of us who are quite content to settle for a regular ‘f**k-buddy’? The fact is, the purpose of the male and female orgasm is God’s way of reminding us to procreate, for without the orgasm our species would undoubtedly die out!

Me? I lost my virginity a long time ago, and for the life of me I cannot remember to who, but whoever she was I’m sure the young lady was suitably grateful!

BREAKING NEWS…POLITICIANS ARE DISHONEST!

dirty politics

Huh, some kind of revelation…I don’t think! Now according to the chairman of the Committee on Standards in PubicPublic Life, British politicians must be made aware of their duties to be honest, open, accountable and…’selfless’! Selfless? Well that’s some tall order! I do think demanding a ‘self-serving’ elected Member of Parliament to act out so of character is a stretch too far! In any event, British MPs are expected to attend ‘ethical training’ classes. Oh boy! A report by the Committee indicated that fewer than 1 in 5 MPs elected for the first time since 2010 attended even 1 ‘induction’ session, and one on dealing with ‘ethical dilemmas’ was actually cancelled when too few MPs signed up for it. Way to go!

The Recall Bill before Parliament which gives the public the power to remove MPs who have behaved in ways that fall short of the standards expected of them, in my humble opinion, will be rejected by those same self-serving MPs. Never forget, ‘politics’ is a dirty business, and there is no room for ethics in it. If MPs couldn’t line their pockets at our expense, no prospective parliamentarian would bother canvassing for votes!

WOULD YOU PAY $30MILLION FOR A PORCELAIN CHINESE CUP?

chinese wine cup

I certainly wouldn’t, then again, I am accident prone! A rare 500-year-old Ming Dysentery….Dye nastyDynasty wine-cup described as the ‘holy grail’ of Chinese art has sold for $30million (£20million) at Sotheby’s Hong Kong last April! Holy grail indeed? This ‘chicken cup’ is far too young to have been used by Jesus the Nazarene Jew, and should neither be confused with Ming the Merciless, a villainous character in the Flash Gordon comic strip who spent years oppressing the poor while avoiding paying corporation tax. Back to the tiny wine-cup! You’d think for $30million it would come with a handle, but no! Still, I don’t suppose it’s a big deal getting one put on it, right?

The new owner of the wine-cup, a Mr Liu Yiqian has just been informed his Centurion credit card has accrued 422 million American Express points, or 28 million frequent flyer miles. Shame the cup didn’t come with a…saucer!

 

 

 

 

IF YOU HAD A TIME MACHINE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

 

time machine

Interesting question, yes? Well according to findings revealed as part of the Yesterday Historical Report commissioned by the Yesterday TV channel, almost 60% of 2000 British adults polled…presumably dissatisfied with their lot…would rather live in any other era than the current one. First choice unsurprisingly was the ‘Swinging 60′s’. Others wished to experience the 1950′s, the 1930′s and the ‘Roaring 20′s’. Ancient Rome (27BC-476AD) got a look-in too.

Visiting these eras and living through them would amount to quite different experiences. The ‘Swinging 60′s was in fact a myth! The decade only ‘swung’ for a handful of people. Everyone else toiled, as usual. Sure ‘the pill’ became widely available…along with new strains of sexually transmitted diseases! Recreational drugs, swallowed or smoked were also introduced into mainstream society. Nor should I imagine did the decade swing for the hundreds of unmarried Catholic mothers who had their babies stolen by the Church and shipped overseas. Did the 60′s swing for the hundreds of thousands of miners who spent their entire working lives in the dark? Doubtful! Consumer good became widely available for the first time, as did ‘credit’, but it wasn’t until the 1970′s that everyone could own a car. Of course if you are intent on visiting the 196o’s, make sure you are able-bodied, for there was no ‘disabled access’ to buildings or on buses. What was astonishing about the 60′s, youthful hopes & dreams were not yet dashed, and opportunities to experiment, experience and better oneself were for some as plentiful as butterflies in a field of sunflowers!

The 1950′s? The population of Britain was still suffering the after effects of the 1940′s and World War Two. Consumerism was still hampered by some rationing, and the woman’s place was still considered to be in the home. Those who did labour on the factory floors received less money than their male counterparts for doing the same job! The 1930′s? Economic depression and no free National Health Service! The 1920′s? It only ‘roared’ in America, not Britain. Ancient Rome? Forget about it! If you didn’t have status, you were likely to be a slave with a short life expectancy!

Without the benefit of social security payments, child support, free healthcare, no computer/internet, no smartphone, well, those modern-day visitors to by-gone eras would soon jump back into their time machines and scuttle off back to the here & now! Me? I always fancied being a gunslinger in America’s Wild West. The trouble is, I hate horses, so I’ll stay put too!

CAN YOU DRIVE AT 20MPH?

20mph

Due to the increase in cyclists deaths on British roads, particularly in London, the Government’s Commons Transport Select Committee is urging more 20mph speed limits on our roads. Hey, hold the phone Joan! Since many cyclists refuse to take responsibility for their own lives…no cycling proficiency tests, no mirrors, hearing diminished by ears phones…and the fact cyclists don’t pay to use the road, unlike drivers, may I suggest, instead of slowing the rest of us down, increasing the likelihood of ‘road rage’, why not speed the cyclists up? On a more serious note, London Mayor Boris Johnson has been extremely vocal over the last 8-years, encouraging everyone to ditch their cars and mount bicycles. Unsurprisingly over the same period the number of cyclists deaths has skyrocketed! The narrow London roads cannot cope with the number of private vehicles, commercial vehicles and cyclists using them.

ARE LOCAL COUNCILLORS GETTING A BAD RAP?

community

Entering the world of politics, either at local or national level must sometimes feel like entering the bullpen with nothing but ‘good intentions’ to protect you from being gored!

Newly elected councillors for Camden Council in North London have been handed a 4-page leaflet outlining the precautions they should take when encountering…yes, the public! For example: ‘In any meeting, sit nearest to the exit’. ‘Make sure there are no heavy items in the room which could be used as weapons of offence’. ‘If anxious in any meeting with the public, have your car keys in your hand, and always remember to park facing the direction you wish to depart’. Bulls indeed!

I remind you, Camden Council (which stretches right into the West End of London) is one of the largest and richest of the councils in the capital. As with all Local Authority areas, it is both multi-cultural and multi-racial, so whether your intention is to serve the community, or oneself, it is worth remembering, local residents who believe they have a genuine grievance are unlikely to be fobbed off with a few kind words. Everyone demands action, and now, whether it be for financial assistance, accommodation, parking irregularities, medical concerns, or for more personal grievances, such as complaints against the police or a neighbour! Bearing in mind being elected to the local authority can be a stepping stone to a place in the national political arena, and a seat in the House of Commons, I suppose any local politician must bear the ill-manners, threatening posture and rage of residents!

GAMBLING IN ATLANTIC CITY…TRUMPED!

Atlantic City

A cull is currently going on in Atlantic City, New Jersey, where 12 casinos will soon be reduced to 8 in number. The Atlantic Club closed last January with a loss of 1,600 jobs, the Showboat is closing in August with a loss of 2,100 jobs, the Revel is already in financial trouble, threatening the jobs of 3,100 employees, and the Trump Plaza is set to close in September, threatening the livelihood of 1,009 employees. So what’s going on? ‘Relaxed’ State laws have allowed casinos to spring up in other parts of North-eastern United States, affecting the takings in Atlantic City. So, takings are down, but wage bills continue to rise, thanks in part to a strong employees union. Financially, Atlantic City can no longer sustain 12 casinos! Since the 2008 worldwide financial disaster there is probably less disposable income around. Why even Las Vegas, the Mecca of gambling has suffered financially, with thousands of jobs going.

It must also be mentioned there has been a significant ‘shift’ in the way people gamble away their hard-earned money. Gambling on the high seas is now big business! Mega cruise liners rely on gamblers entering their casinos to make profits. Do you honestly think owner/operators would really spend $500million on a purpose-build ship if they couldn’t make their money back through gambling? These are one-week cruises, after which no one has any money left with which to gamble. Gambling will always be big business, but not necessarily any longer in Atlantic City. I understand there is one place in the world where the takings from all forms of casino gambling positively’ dwarfs’  combined takings from Atlantic City, Las Vegas and all the US cruise ships put together. Macao, otherwise known as  the ‘Monte Carlo’ of the Orient. In 2013, its 33 casinos raked in a staggering £28billion between them. Needless to say, US operators have a significant presence there.

I’M NOT A DENTIST, BUT I’M HAPPY TO PULL OUT YOUR TEETH!

English: Street dentist in Bangalore with a pa...

English: Street dentist in Bangalore with a patient. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You cannot stifle entrepreneurship! Now I’m pretty sure that a lifetime of visiting a dentist will cost you the price of a wedding (excluding drinks). In Pakistan, the poor, of which there are many, cannot afford to visit a dentist, many of who charge $200 just to clean your teeth. So where do Pakistanis go for dental care? Just to the side of the road in fact, for this is where many untrained, unqualified ‘dentists’ pitch their stalls. Using out of date, unsterilized equipment that can be packed up in a second should the police arrive, the poor man’s dentist goes to work on what is left of your Asian teeth. They offer a complete service…cleaning, extraction, drilling and filling and replacing old for new and at a fraction of the cost of a qualified dentist, but with no warranty.

The last time I went to the dentist, the first thing he said to me was ‘open wide’, so I did. ‘No’, he said, ‘I meant your wallet!’ After an cursory inspection, he said I needed a crown and suggested it be gold! I replied, ‘Why stop at a gold crown…why not sell me a gold sceptre too!  I lay there thinking of bankruptcy court. You know, ever since Lawrence Olivier portrayed that diamond hunting, murderous dentist Dr Christian Szell (silent S) in the movie Marathon Man, generations of psychopathic men and women have run off to dental school just so they can inflict physical pain and fiscal pain while uttering that immortal phrase, ‘Is it safe?’ Well no it bloody isn’t! My priority is veterinary bills before dentist bills!

THE £25,000 DENTIST’S CHAIR FOR 71 STONE PATIENTS!

An NHS dentist performing an examination

An NHS dentist performing an examination (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Britain’s obesity crisis is forcing dentists to buy super-sized chairs capable of supporting patients weighing up to 71 stone! Hang on a minute, anyone weighting more than 35 stones wouldn’t be able to GET TO a dentist, and even if they could, someone who had eaten themselves up to that size probably wouldn’t have any teeth left to work on! Something is not right here?