An RAF Typhoon fighter jet was scrambled from RAF Coningsby with orders to intercept a non-responsive, Russian Antonov AN-26 civilian cargo airliner over Kent. In order to play ‘catch up’, the RAF pilot was given the go ahead to fly supersonic (740-770mph), and in doing so, broke the sound barrier! Police in north London and Hertfordshire were inundated by phone calls from concerned citizens, many of who wanted to know whether the loud boom that shook buildings was in fact an explosion. One unlikely beneficiary of the sonic boom was 91-year-old, constipated Harold Winstanley, who had been sitting on the toilet in his Barnet nursing home for over 40-minutes, looking forward to a ‘movement’. “The loud boom that shook my toilet, took me unawares, causing me to drop my own payload. Thank you RAF Coningsby!”
American owned Cadbury has announced it will no longer be making its beloved sack of chocolate coins, a staple Christmas treat for children and adults. Kraft Foods expect us to believe the decision to ‘bin’ chocolate coins is the result of shoppers switching to cheaper own-brand chocolate coins sold at discount supermarkets. No one would have predicted the decision to confine the edible gold coins to the confectionary history books would have reverberated around the world, causing worldwide civil unrest and ISIS radical Islamists to take up the sword, but such is life! I chose to believe the decision to scrap the gold chocolate coins was caused by a heartfelt plea by the British Government. Apparently the country is so weighed down in debt, a debt the European Union prevents us getting out of, that the humble chocolate coin ended up with a greater street value than Sterling! Christmas is cancelled!
Here in the UK we have been warned to expect power shortages this winter. Traditional North Sea gas sources are replaced by “uncertain” imports making it more likely that at any other time in six years that supplies will fall short in the coming colder months. However a spokesperson for the National Grid has said, “while electricity margins (the difference between peak demand and available supply) were tighter than we have seen historically, down to just 4.1%, we are confident that the market has the capability to keep the lights on.” Well let’s hope we have a mild winter!
Why are we using so much electricity? Could it be, where once there was only one television in the house, now there is one in every room? Could it be that tens of millions of tech junkies leave their smartphones on charge over night, along with their tablets? Are ‘gamers’ burning up the power grid? How many office and home computers are left on 24/7? I’ve heard, thanks to the popularity of the Great British Bake Off show, millions of people have switched on their ovens for the first time in order to bake something that is completely inedible! Hey, let’s not ignore the thousands of entrepreneurs who set up energy thirsty, illegal marijuana farms! Of course if we do suffer winter blackouts, you can be sure of one thing, come next summer there will be a population explosion!
The ‘high-tech’ Vauxhall Astra Sports Tourer is a police car for the smart-phone generation. Bristling with gadgetry to beat crime, it is about to be unveiled onto British streets. With three computers, six cameras, fast broadband Internet, number-plate reader, face-recognition cameras to identify known criminals, it can predict where crimes may happen using algorithm based on incidents and intelligence and send officers racing to hot-spots.
Let’s see how long it takes to steal or immobilize Robocar! I predict it won’t take six weeks before the vehicle ends up in a chop shop! The three computers? No doubt they’ll end up in the window of a branch of Cash Converters!
On the ring is a huge swastika that is supported by other swastikas and swords. The piece is crowned by a large ruby and mounted in a silver globe which rests on an elaborate foot, also with a swastika. The ring was found at Berchtesgaden, Hitler’s mountain retreat in Bavaria, in 1945 by American troops. The ring, such an ugly monstrosity, I bet Uncle Adolph only wore it when he went out clubbing!
Present day! With the rise of Fascism, I wonder whether Hitler’s bling-ring will be replicated and sold on the QVC shopping channel, and perhaps alongside a pair of matching EVA BRAUN earrings and a belly ring too?
Anatoly Moskvin, a 46-year-old Russian from the city of Nizhni Novgorod, who is described as a linguist and historian with an interest in necrology and the occult, visited 700 cemeteries over three years period, dug up 150 graves and transported 29 female corpses in various degrees of decomposition back to his apartment, where he dressed them and even held birthday parties in their honour. Presumably Moskvin played music to his mummified and skeletal companions. One can only hope it was music by the band Stiff Little Fingers!
I honestly believe my idea of reinventing scented toilet paper should not be sniffed at, after all, German designer Fritz Loibl has already created toilet rolls with 24-carat-gold motifs, available for £148:00 each. Customers can even create their own designs. Whether you own a luxury hotel or sell luxury goods, don’t you think this is very much like taking a swipe at Capitalism? Talk about an indulgence, why I wouldn’t wipe my ass on an unscented bog roll! I have particular standards and I don’t see why I should raise them!
So I turned up for work at The Stamford‑Bull Advertising Agency and spent the entire morning rowing with colleagues, forgetting I needed their co‑operation in a presentation I was due to make at 4 p.m. to the M.D. of The Softly Softly Toilet Paper Company. My body of work?
“Buy STUCKO medicated toilet paper, a standard for your behind! STUCKO four‑ply toilet roll only breaks when you do. STUCKO is built to take the punishment you dish out. Tested by experts, STUCKO stays with you to the bitter end. STUCKO, a standard for your behind!” I can’t believe I got the sack, but I did!
Anyway, not to be disheartened, I decided to go it alone and market a new range of ‘scented’ toilet roll. The ‘budget’ range would include lavender, pine, rose, sea breeze and Alpine forest. My ‘bespoke’ range of scented toilet paper, which by the way I intended selling to 5-star Mayfair hotels, would include a beef fragrance, lamb, an athlete’s foot fragrance and of course, shit, which I expect to go down a treat in the world of ‘S & M’! I hope to raise enough dough on KickStarter for ‘R & D’. Hey, from little acorns oak trees grow, right?
Researchers from the University of Southampton claim to have developed a way to extend the life of lettuce so that the leaves will stay fresh for more than a week! Supermarket bosses have protested, and have promised to charge customers by the leaf should they be forced to stock the hybrid! I can see icebergs ahead!
Latest inventions with a practical application!
The Pocket Drone. Apparently 2014 is the ‘year of the drone’! The Pocket Drone…or tricopter…is the personal flying robot that enables anyone to capture amazing video and photos from the sky. Controlled from a mobile phone, it is small enough to fit into a handbag, yet can give anyone the ability to spy from the air. Great device for private detectives wishing to get evidence of adulterous behaviour!
Triton Mask (still in concept stage)! Fancy swimming with the fishes? More sophisticated than a standard rebreather, the Triton mask acts like a fish gill to extract oxygen from water so that the user can keep on breathing while under the sea. If brought to market, the Triton may well replace heavy scuba equipment!
The Aurora smart headband ! (Still in development stage). Do you ever dream of having a good night’s sleep? The Aurora smart headband contains lights and plays sounds that its maker says allows the wearer to influence their dreams. Software in the $175 band knows when you dream by measuring brainwave and eye-movement activity, while also tracking body movements. By programming the device before you fall asleep, it is believed the gadget can give wearers deeper sleep with more vivid dreams – and can even wake you up at the perfect time.
Google smart contact lens for diabetics. (Still in development stage). Apparently it analyses wearers tears, warning them if their glucose levels are low. How fantastic! The lens uses a tiny wireless chip and miniaturized glucose sensor that are embedded between two layers of soft contact lens material.
LUMOback monitors your posture, dissuading you from slouching. But what is LUMOback? A belt of course, but no ordinary belt! The device contains a sensor, that monitors the wearer’s posture and activity throughout the day and gently vibrates when you slouch. But that’s not all! The belt’s sensor tells the user how much time they spend sitting up straight compared to slouching, how much time they spend sitting down, standing up, distance covered when walking, how much time they spend sleeping on their back, front and side and estimates sleep quality. God, it must be like having a nagging partner strapped to your back! Oh, the belt also measures the number of calories you burn during the day. Apparently the sensor can be worn for six days before it needs charging. Oh great!?! Cost? Approximately £90 and can be purchased from the LUMO BodyTech website. So, straighten up and fly right!
Earlarm, (still at pre-production stage) winner of a Reddot design award is an alarm clock designed to be worn inside the ear like any other earplug. No longer do you need wake up your girlfriend/ boyfriend/partner in the wee hours. Inside the Earlarm are two noise-cancelling foam ear plugs, which each have tiny speakers that connect to a bedside clock via Bluetooth.
Really, what pushes your button? I mean to say what annoying habits makes you see red? Perhaps its people speaking unnecessarily loudly on cell phones in an enclosed area, ‘forcing’ you to share their calls? Could it be someone puffing on an e-cigarette inches from your face? Perhaps it’s a couple slobbering over one another? Hey, maybe it’s someone eating a smelly kebab on a tube train? Now I’m sure we’ve all got annoying habits, but the one that really gets my goat is the person who waits until he or she gets on a bus or train before clipping their finger nails! In my book, that is unacceptable public behaviour! And let’s not forget incessant sniffing! Yea Gods, blow your bloody nose before I go nuclear! In the spirit of fairness I should reveal my annoying habit, and it is this! Whether I’m in a crowded street, supermarket, bus or train, I’m forever touching my pockets to make sure no one has lifted my wallet or keys. Yes, I’m obsessive! Several girlfriends have expressed concern over what they consider my unacceptable public behaviour. “David, stop it! Keep your hands by your sides! People will think you’re suffering from OCD, or worse, Tourettes!” Frankly I find it impossible to keep my hands still!
Car thieves in London are targeting ‘keyless’ cars such as the Range Rover Evoke, other Sport vehicles and even new model Ford Fiestas. Using equipment bought on the internet intended for mechanics only, the thief bypasses the security, resets the on-board computer, only to reissue another electronic key. Things are so bad, insurance companies are refusing to insure the Evoke unless the registered keeper has off-street parking! Until manufacturers have sorted out the security flaw in their software, perhaps the only way to keep hold of your car is to let the tyres down between trips to the mall, or go ‘old school’ and attach a bright yellow steering wheel lock? Clearly buying an Evoke doesn’t necessarily evoke confidence that the damn thing’s going to be where you left it!
From September 2020 drivers of the most polluting vehicles who want to enter London will have to pay £12:50 a day on top of the congestion charge in a bid to improve the air quality in the Capital. It is said the ULEZ (ultra low emission zone) would halve toxic fumes from vehicles. Drivers of cars, vans, minibuses, HGVs, coaches and motorbikes would all get stung. Why larger vehicles would have to pay £100 per day. Sorry, I’m confused! Excluding motorbikes, I assumed all road vehicles are nowadays fitted with catatonic converters?
I’ve just been informed by our magnificent Press that BLUE POLICE BOXES are due to make a comeback onto the high streets of Old Blighty. Billed as ‘Technologically-enabled police contact points featuring two-way audio technology, members of the general public will be able to communicate directly with the police. A light on top of the box will either flash or wink (whichever is considered the sexier) to indicate to an officer on the beat (on the beat…where?) that they should contact the police station.
The public will also be able to report crime and anti-social behaviour. Well, if the police boxes aren’t stolen to make headboards, once the initiative fails, the remaining blue boxes will no doubt be rented out as bijou studio apartments for the homeless. I hope they don’t mind sleeping standing up! I’m told that the sound of running water is supposed to calm one, which will be good news for all those future West End residents when Saturday night drunks piss up over the police boxes.
Having just sold my invention…how to turn wine into water…for a considerable sum, I find myself with quite a lot of time on my hands. After careful consideration I have decided to buy myself an air balloon and, following in the footsteps of Phileas Fogg intend going around the world in 80 days! I will however have to break with tradition and take with me an ample supply of Walkers ‘sour cream & chive’ crips for I don’t much care for Phileas Fogg crips! Naturally I will take with me a further ample supply of smoke salmon cream cheese bagels, pickled gherkins together with a gross of chocolate elcairs, although I’m not quite sure how the altitude will affect the filling? It goes without saying my balloon will be equipped with Wi-Fi for my tablet and an outside toilet! My main concern is however, will I make it around the world in one piece, or will I be blown out of the sky by a heat seeking missile belonging to the Russians, the Chinese, the North Koreans, the Iranians, the Nigerians, the…oh fuck, I wonder how much a Kevlar coated balloon would cost me, and do Kevlar make bespoke underpants?
Grandmother Karil Harrington, 65, of Merthyr Tydfil, south Wales, who was suffering from terminal liver cancer decided to attend her own wake before she died. Held at the Dowlais Catholic Club, 400 guests attended the ‘rave before the grave’, and by all accounts everyone had a wonderful time. Sadly Karil died 6-months later. It got me to thinking, celebrating one’s own life by attending a ‘living wake’ seems quite a civilized thing to do. If I was told I only had six months to live before shuffling off this mortal coil, I too might consider a rave before the grave, although I don’t know how many people would choose to attend, nor how many guests who did, would celebrate my life or take the opportunity to vent bile! Since speaking ill of the dead is generally considered bad form, my pre-funeral wake might afford some people the opportunity to speak ill of me to my face, rather than behind my back once I’d gone. A general rule of thumb when being discourteous towards someone is, are you likely to attend their funeral, and are they likely to attend yours. If indeed you are just ‘ships passing in the night’, then a healthy ‘f**k off you c**t’ would not be out-of-place! See you on the other side, or not!