Upmarket N0tting Hill (West London) real estate agent Faron Sutaria that normally displays a 24-hour news channel on a wide-screen TV in its window, fell victim to a prank the other day. We are to believe someone changed channels from outside using a universal remote. World news was replaced by naked women writhing around on the Babestation porn channel! Whether the culprit was in fact a prankster or indeed a competitor, it got me to thinking, suburban real estate agents should perhaps employ the same tactic when trying to shift hard to sell properties. Displaying naked women and men cavorting in every room in a house might encourage potential buyers to actually turn up for a viewing!
I was in bed with Tupperware saleswoman Julia, when she turned to me and said:
“David, you really are a gentleman!”
“Thanks,” I replied. “I do try to be kind and considerate.”
“Oh I know that,” Julia said. “And I particularly like that fact you always wait until I’ve fallen asleep before making love to me. I appreciate it!” Now despite the fact my rigid c**k bore down on Julia like a runaway train carrying thousands of radioactive isotopes, my girlfriend’s slumber was never once disturbed. Why even the noise of my organic choo choo got drowned out by someone’s snoring or farting!
Now according to a study by Dr Emily Barrett of the University of Rochester School of Medicine in the USA, chemicals in plastics are making women less interested in sex. Armed with this new information I suggested Julia changed her job before I relied on my fallback position, masturbation! Julia replied, “David, handling plastic all day long has nothing to do with my low libido. You just don’t turn me on any more!”
“But if I’m nothing more than a ‘pity f**k’, why bother letting me make love to you at all?”
Julia replied, “Winter is upon us, so it’s either you or a hot water bottle!” My ego crashed and burned.
Are you hyper, that’s ‘hyper connected’? Are all your contacts ‘screen’ friends? Do you ‘tweet’ in your sleep? Are you addicted to technology to the point you are about to suffer a digital meltdown? Well why not enrol in a ‘natural’ reboot and join ‘Camp Grounded’, located in Anderson Valley, California, where for 4 whole days and $570 you can show the finger to all those spammers, scammers and phishers! Here you must hand in your smartphone, your Google glasses, your watch and your tablet, unless of course it is ‘prescribed’. But hell, what are you going to do with all that time? Try outdoor pursuits such as archery, shooting and cycling! Here at Camp Grounded you will relearn how to communicate with people ‘face to face’ rather than ‘screen to screen’. Hey you never know, after 4 whole days ‘touchy feely’ you may decide to join the ‘unplugged movement’ and put an end to your postmodern techno-anxiety syndrome?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all very commendable, however the £1,100 digital detox I experienced in Scotland last year didn’t do me a bit of good! ‘Camp Fuckwit’ in the Highlands was a complete and utter waste of time! After only three hours of being striped of technology, thirteen of us were walking around like f**king zombies! After seven hours I’d had enough! I stole an axe, the gearing from a bicycle, a battery and circuit board from a radio, stripped the metal wiring from a bra, which didn’t much please the woman who was in it at the time and ran off into the woods! It took me a while, but I managed to build myself a crude ham radio. Amazon was great! The helicopter managed to drop off all my purchases without landed, and the first thing I did was to masturbate over the laptop. Sheer joy! Hey, don’t be so quick to condemn me, after all it was a touch screen computer! Anyway by the time I returned to camp everyone was f**king D.E.A.D! Two ”attendees’ had been shot, one had been drowned and four had axes imbedded in their heads! Huh, so much for learning to ‘reconnect’. Real relationships are so overrated don’t you think?
Well I hadn’t until today. A coregasm is an exercised-induced orgasm (EIO) that women experience when engaged in exercises involving using their abdominal muscles, such as climbing poles or ropes, cycling, spinning, running, weight lifting, and even yoga! Apparently a piece of gym equipment called ‘The captain’s Chair’ is partly responsible for a general rise in EIOs. And I thought all that huffing, puffing, turning blue in the face and farting was down to physical exertion only! Hey, now that I know better I’m still disinclined to return to the gym. I get it, I really do! Women, fed up with waiting for the male partners to discover their ‘G’ Spot in order to ‘get them off’, have resorted to punishing exercise regimes in order to discover Nirvana! Should you wish to know more, the science-backed EIO phenomena study was conducted by the University of Indiana, and was published in the ‘Journal ‘Sexual & Relationship Therapy’.
Hundreds of foreign criminals have gone missing in Britain before they could be deported, and the cost to the taxpayer of the failed ‘prisoner removal programme’, £850million. In hindsight perhaps it was a bad idea to inform the 760 criminals of impending deportation after they were released from prison? Wouldn’t you do a runner if you were told you were about to be kicked out of the land of milk and honey? Of the 760, it is believed 11 abscondees joined one of the 24 UK police forces, while an incredible 19 foreign criminals caught the Hogwarts’ Express from platform nine & three-quarters at Kings Cross Station, intending to enrol in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry for the sole purpose of learning how to synthesise cocaine and heroin! And they say ‘crime’ doesn’t pay?
The world famous British Library is to bring together the four surviving copies of the original MAGNA CARTA for the first time in order to mark the 800th anniversary of King John’s charter. Signed by ‘rotten’ John at Runnymede, Surrey in 1215, it was an attempt to limit the powers of the king and to protect the privileges of the king’s subjects. Some of these principles enshrined in English law included: No one is above the law…including the king, the right to a fair trial, and limits on taxation.
I find it interesting that the Magna Carta celebration at the British Library is at a time when citizens rights are being eroded, daily. Some people are proved to be above the law. Bearing in mind bankers brought down Capitalism, threatening all our livelihoods, thus far, not a single ‘casino’ banker has been tried or sentenced to prison. As far as fair trials are concerned, is not the State conducting secret juryless trials? As far as taxation is concerned, are not citizens being bled dry? There are no limits imposed on taxation from either central or local government. It is fair to say, the main principles of the Magna Carta are redundant! I currently reside in a political and financial DICTATORSHIP! How about you?
Ever since I saw Marty McFly use a hoverboard as a getaway vehicle in Back to the Future II way back in the 1980s, I’ve always wanted one! Well, science fiction may soon become science fact, for research engineers at the University of Tokyo and the Nagoya Institute of Technology have taken a step closer in the quest to develop hoverboards by levitating objects in 3D using sound waves from a complex set-up of four ultrasonic speakers.
Meanwhile, husband and wife team Greg & Jill Henderson have come out with the Hendo Hoverboard! Suspended 1-inch off of the ground, it has four hover engines which emit magnetic fields. The couple are looking to crowdfunding site Kickstarter to raise $250,000 for further R & D.
So far, for a hoverboard to work effectively, the ground beneath it must be both smooth and metallic, but who knows, one day in the not too distant future scientists may figure out how to levitate the board over any surface, including the road paved with good intentions, and hay presto, this technology might free us all up to go where we’ve never gone before! Backpackers will love it, as will commuters, surfers, witches, muggers, adulterers, fake spiritualists, self-employed assassins and emergency service personnel. I can’t wait to get my hands…feet on a hoverboard, providing of course the device is not ‘weight intolerant’. If however I’m not around when they come out, but you are, do watch out for those annoying washing lines and power cables, after all, you wouldn’t want to lose your head, would you?
Of course the obvious application for a reliable hoverboard would be a military one. US special forces will be able to enter a hostile environment swiftly and silently, while politicians can claim ‘there are no boots on the ground’ without being caught out lying!
With many wrecked relationships behind me I often feel I have never been truly appreciated. I was about to swear off women for life and enter a monastic order, that was however until I heard about a Brazilian town that is entirely made up of young women who have just made a heartfelt appeal for single men to drop by. Amazon, deliver my ass by drone!
Noiva do Cordeiro, in southeast Brazil, has a 600-strong population that is entirely female, with sons sent away at 18 and the few husbands only allowed in town on weekends. Guess what, not ‘unsurprisingly’ the women folk are growing increasingly frustrated at the absence of men and thus have made an appeal for eligible bachelors to step forward with their ‘tackle’ in good working order! ‘Here, the only men we single girls meet are either married or related to us, everyone is a cousin. I haven’t kissed a man for a long time,’ Nelma Fernandes, 23, told The Mirror. ‘We all dream of falling in love and getting married. But we like living here and don’t want to have to leave the town to find a husband.’
I know you’re not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth, but instead show ample gratitude, but in Noiva do Cordeiro it might be wise to keep ones powder dry, for newcomers are expected to live according to the rules of this carefully structured female led, non-lesbian society. Oh dear me! I am reminded of one particular Greek myth, that of Jason and the Argonauts and their quest for the Golden Fleece aboard their ship, the Argo. Didn’t they visit the isle of Lemnos, which was inhabited by a race of women who had killed their husbands, and didn’t the women try to kill Jason and his merry band of seafaring brothers after they had seduced them? Maybe I should err on the side of caution and get a return ticket to Noiva do Cordeiro? Furthermore, I hope I’m not expected to service more than 6…7 women a day. In polite society more than 7 is considered greedy, and I for one don’t want to be accused of gluttony! I mean, for heaven sake, I have a reputation to consider!
That erudite and sophisticated television chat show host Jonathan Ross, when asked to sign up for Strictly Come Dancing replied, “It just wouldn’t be fair to the other celebrity contestants. I’m so agile, as a gazelle in fact, and so, so f**king popular, never mind the ‘living’ voting for me, why even the ‘dead’ would dig themselves out their graves just to register their votes!”
Sorry folks, I don’t know if I can blog for much longer. You see I’ve suffering from Stage-6 Martian virus and Tombola disease. F**k your sympathy and your empathy! Please send money, or failing that, cocaine! Oh, I wouldn’t kick medical marijuana out of bed either! Now give generously. Trust me, you’ll feel better for it! Hey, I just read about a young woman who faked terminal cervical cancer in order to raise money and get a massive discount on her wedding reception bill. What kind of person would do that, and who would be stupid enough to think she could get away with it? Honestly, there is a lot to be said in just cutting your coat according to your cloth! I tried lying and general deceit in my distant youth. Keeping track of all your lies is positively exhausting! Honesty is so less time consuming!
I walked into the lounge and addressed my parents! “Mum…Dad, I’m going off the grid for a few weeks!”
“And what precisely does that mean,” Mum asked, picking nail varnish from her fingernails.
I replied, “I’ve booked myself into a private addiction clinic for sex…six weeks. You see…I’m a sex addict!”
“What,” my mother screamed just before punching my dad on the shoulder! “Brian, you hear that? David’s a sex addict!”
“Yes,” Dad replied. “I heard.”
“Well I’m livid! How come it jumped a generation?”
“You told me you were a sex addict,” Mum said.
“And I was,” Dad replied, “but five years married to you, and I kinda…got over it!”
“Oh really Brian…try two!”
“Talk about being misled. Brian, you definitely told me you were a famous cocksman!”
“Idiot! I boasted I was a famous coxswain. I did after all win a Cambridge Blue for rowing!”
“Anyway David,” Mum continued, “make sure you use condoms!”
“Condom Mum…but I’m supposed to be abstaining from sex!”
“Yeah, right? Six weeks locked up with a bunch of sex addicts…oh do me a favour! And what are you going to do about Cindy?”
“Your cousin Cindy?”
“Yes, I know who she is, but I don’t quite know…”
“What I mean?”
“Oh do pull the other one,” Mum said. “Everyone knows you’re sleeping with her!”
“And don’t look so shocked. These things get around.”
“Just like gonorrhoea,” Dad said.
“Yes, thank you Brian! David, I just hope Cindy isn’t pregnant!”
“Oh no fear of that,” I said. “Cindy likes anal sex!”
“You hear that Brian? How come in all the years of marriage you never once offered me that service?”
“Darling,” a poop hole is for pooping, not potholing!”
“Anyway,” I said, “we’re not allowed cell phones in the clinic, so you won’t be hearing from me for a few weeks.”
“In that case,” Dad said, “good luck!”
“Yeah,” Mum said. “Good luck, and I hope you get laid!”
You may think casual sex is just adult fun, and for sure, in many cases it is, but some of us are looking for our ‘chemically compatible’ partner, and until we find him or her we continue to search, kiss frogs and wake up beside wildebeest after an alcoholic infused night out on the town! Casual sex? The more you get, the more you want! It is as addictive as 85% Ecuador plain chocolate!
F**k the ‘famous’ 1960s! With the advent of internet dating sites and real same-sex liberation, it stands to reason we must be having more casual sex/one-night stands than ever before! The rise in sexually transmitted infections among all age groups tends to bear this out. Is it wrong to delve head long into this ‘hook-up’ culture? Hell, life is short, death is long! Abstinence may lead to marrying for ‘like’, not ‘love’, only to find you’re trapped in a sexless, loveless marriage? Trying one another out is a logical approach to embarking upon any long-term, rewarding relationship, because there is nothing worse than ‘bad sex’. Bad sex because neither party knows what they are doing, or because a couple is not actually chemically compatible.
As a very amateur sociologist I’ve always found group sexual encounters/swingers most interesting. Surely couples who ‘swing’ cannot possibly be in love? Oh sure, they’re ‘used’ to one another and may well still ‘like’ one another, but how on earth can they be in love? Think about it for a moment. Would you stand by and watch the man or woman you love being f**ked by a stranger who may have had hundreds of sexual encounters? “Oh but swinging has spiced up our lives, bringing a completely new dimension to our relationship!” Bollocks! The divorce courts are full of such couples. And what of ‘no strings attached’ relationships? I think you’ll find there are strings attached to them. We just can’t see them! In case you think I’m sitting on the fence, I’m not. I’m all for casual sex so long as no one gets hurt. Finally I’d like to mention something about casual sex dress code. It’s definitely…casual!
Having measured the level of Prozac present in earth worms living in sewage, according to Dr Kathryn Arnold, ecologist from the University of York, starlings may experience the adverse effects of passive Prozac-taking, one of which is, they are not interested in mating with male birds. If this is so, then the question I want answered is this, why oh why are earthworms being prescribed Prozac in the first place?
The Prince of Wales has ordered a cull on American grey squirrels on the 200 square miles Duchy of Cornwall Estate in an effort to protect the endangered indigenous red squirrels, that now only number 140,000, as compared to the 2.5 million ‘Confederate’ grey squirrels that cause high-impact damage to the environment. As patron of the Red Squirrel Survival Trust and Air Commodore-in-Chief of the Royal Air Force, Prince Charles has called on the RAF to commence grey squirrel pilotless drone strikes as early as next week. Lets hope the drone pilots can tell the difference between a colony eco-terrorist grey squirrels and a colony of red squirrel wedding guests. So if you go down to the woods
today…next week, be sure of a big surprise!
Let’s get to the bottom of near death experiences individuals claim are actual glimpses of heaven. Oh we can’t, because any claim or claims cannot possibly be definitive evidence that heaven exists. Anything you might see during a life threatening medical condition may be influenced by drugs, visual images stored as memories, or in fact anything you’ve ever witnessed, including a visit to the Sistine Chapel. Even religious beliefs may play a part in hallucinations.