MEDIEVAL VAMPIRE SKELETON DISCOVERED!

English: Black-Sea-Houses in the old town of S...

English: Black-Sea-Houses in the old town of Sozopol in Bulgaria Deutsch: Schwarzmeerhäuser in der Altstadt von Sozopol. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s the stuff of nightmares, but only if you believe in VAMPIRES. A dig at a macabre graveyard has unearthed a Bulgarian vampire pinned to his resting place by a metal spike. The ancient skeleton, identified as a 35 to 40-year-old male from the 13th or 14th century, is only the second ever skeleton with a spike driven near its heart in this way, after one that was found last year in the southern town of Sozopol.

It is thought the man, considered to be a medieval vampire, was spiked through the heart to prevent him from rising at  midnight and terrorising the living, during a period when plagues ravaged Europe. The discovery was made at the Perperikon site, in the east of the country, during a dig led by Professor Nikolai Ovcharov, often referred to as the ‘Bulgarian Indiana  Jones’. Last year, the professor and colleagues unearthed another 700-year-old male skeleton killed in a similar fashion on holy ground at the Black Sea town of Sozopol. Let us hope discovering vampires does not become habit-forming, for should one actually rise from the dead, he will no doubt demand public relations representation, a book deal, and since Bulgaria is now part of the European Union, inhuman rights protection! Since we live in such litigious times, once Victor the vampire has his teeth capped, he will no doubt look around for someone to sue!

Finally, if any of you happen to come across a medieval vampire skeleton, you might think of selling it to the Weight Watchers Organisation. I hear it is on the hunt for a poster boy for a new weight loss programme. But whatever you do, don’t remove the f**king STAKE!

YES, YOU TOO CAN RENT THE SISTINE CHAPEL!

sistine chapel

Jeez, the Vatican finances must really be in dire straits! German car-makers Porsche have rented out the Sistine Chapel for a party, the fee supposedly going to the sick and homeless. I do wonder whether the smoke from burning tyres will adversely affect Michelangelo’s The Last Judgement? Funny that, I don’t remember reading anywhere that God drove a Porsche, or any other German car for that matter? Will this set a precedent? Can we expect an episode of the Antique’s Roadshow to be televised from the Sistine Chapel any time soon, or perhaps Strictly Come Dancing, or the ‘X’ Factor, or even the Oscars? What about same-sex weddings and Bar mitzvahs?

DIE ANOTHER DAY?

Carpe Diem Blue Wallpaper 1280 x 1024

Carpe Diem Blue Wallpaper 1280 x 1024 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Would you care to know precisely when you’re going to die, after all, it might energize you to do your best work sooner rather? Well now there’s a watch that not only predicts when you will die, it also begins counting down! Users fill out a questionnaire about their medical history before subtracting their age from the overall results to get their death score. Whether you drink, smoke, family history of cancer or diabetes are all factored in together with your height and weight. This score is entered into the Tikker and the countdown begins. The top row of the watch’s digital display shows years, months and days, while the second row counts down hours, minutes  and seconds. Dubbed the ‘death watch’, Tikker has been created by misguided Swedish inventor Fredrik Colting who claims his happiness watch has been designed to help people make the most of their lives, to cherish it in fact. So no more sitting on the toilet for extended periods reading magazines, eh?

Carpe diem? I think not! Mark my words…Tikker is on borrowed time itself, for no one will want to market it. Hey, maybe its just a marketing stunt? If the watch is for real, well, inventor Fredrik Colting may know something about design, but he knows bugger all about the human condition. I on the other hand am somewhat of an expert on the subject of death. I have written about it in novels and ponder my own demise most days. If one million people bought Colting’s watches, you would have one million miserable people followed by almost one million suicides! Few would enjoy their remaining years, and as far as carpe diem is concerned, few would! Clock watching for real, many watch wearers would end up on prescription drugs, would go to bed afraid and wake up afraid. In short, Tikker wearers would merely wait to die, meanwhile, cherished relationships would crumble. Take my word for it…you don’t want to know when you’re going to die. Best to remain in the dark on this one!

MOVE OVER DOCTOR WHO!

Gnu

I’ve had a brilliant idea for a new TV show! What do you think of an educated, African wildebeest with access to a time machine in the shape of a shipping container, who travels the galaxy fighting evil, counselling the sick in heart, mediating between warring factions and relocating endangered species? In I’m thinking of calling the show…Doctor Gnu!

WOULD YOU VISIT A ‘DRIVE-THRU’ FUNERAL PARLOUR?

drive-thru funeral

The Paradise Funeral Chapel in Michigan has introduced a ‘drive-thru’ option that allows busy, busy people to mourn the dead from the comfort of their own cars. Mourners wishing to pay their respects to the deceased can do so by driving up to a window. A curtain then opens and you have 3-minutes to ‘observe’ the coffin before the curtain shuts again. The viewing is activated by a pressure sensor in the ground which registers a vehicle. Of course if you’re not emotionally linked to the deceased, 3-minutes can seem like an awfully long time! Pressing a button on the wall reveals a condolence book friends and family members can sign, as well as a deposit box for cards and donations. “Now come on love, the movie starts in 20-minutes. If we hurry we’ll just make it!” Is this drive-thru facility just a macabre peep show? I’ll leave that up to you to decide. “See yer, wouldn’t want to be yer,” might be the last thing you mutter to yourself as you pull away. Of course if the drive-thru funeral viewing service takes off in a big way, it may well be those canny Americans will introduce a takeaway window for food & drink on the same premises. Eat, drink, mourn, pray…die!

WOULD YOU SPEND £60,000 TO JOIN AN INTRODUCTION AGENCY?

English: Hong Kong Kowloon Panorama Victoria P...

English: Hong Kong Kowloon Panorama Victoria Peak 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Looking for that perfect partner? Still searching for your soul mate? Berkeley International remains one of the most expensive dating agencies in Europe. So if you’re rich, successful and going places…and I’m not talking about to the toilet to snort coke…you may not think twice about handing over up to 60k to take the legwork out of your search! Founder of BI, Mairead Molloy says that the number of people on its books shot up by 35 per cent last year. Berkeley claims to have FTSE 100 company chief executives on its books, as well as financiers, global tycoon and even several celebrities, but definitely no rag & bone men! With offices in Cannes, Paris, Brussels, Melbourne, Geneva, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Milan and New York as well as its headquarters in London, and with plans to open in Hong Kong and Los Angeles next year, Berkeley needs all the membership fees it can get hold of, for office space doesn’t come cheap!

Basic membership starts at £10,000 a year, and will get you as many dates in the UK as you want. £15,000-£20,000 will cover Europe, and £50,000 gives you your pick of partners across the world. For £60,000, you get the personal care and attention of Mairead herself, who will not only travel the world in search of your perfect match, but will point you in the right direction when it comes to working out what has been going wrong for you in the past…you mean like farting at the dinner table, picking my teeth between courses or stubbing out my cigarette in a sorbet? I can’t help being a sophisticated c**t. Shit, I forgot my underpants! Honestly? I think my perfect partner is waiting for me…at the cemetery gates!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT…NAH!

English: Kopi luwak, coffee seeds from faeces ...

English: Kopi luwak, coffee seeds from faeces of palm civet. Lampung, Indonesia Bahasa Indonesia: Kopi luwak dari Lampung (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My girlfriend recently told me that she’s sick of my cooking, and suggested…URGED me to expand…as she put it, my ‘CULINARY EXPERIENCES.‘ The following are just some of the dishes I discovered on the net!

COCKROACH SOUP (Vietnam). Sorry, no can do!

FRIED BATS (Thailand/Southeast Asia). F**k off!

DRIED SCORPION/GRASSHOPPER (Asia/Mexico). Double f**k off!!

DRIED LIZARDS (Japan). I’d rather gnaw my own toes off!

LIVE OCTOPUS (Korea).

LIVE SILK WORM GRUBS ON RICE (Japan). I’d rather buy the shirt!

RATS, PICKLED & BARBECUED (India/Thailand). Death seems more appealing!

FRIED TARANTULAS (Cambodia/Philippines). I reiterate my first comment!

BALUT- fertilized chicken/dick foetus (India). I’d rather eat my neighbour!

PUFFIN HEART (Iceland). Yes, I could at a stretch I suppose!

OX PENIS- steamed/fried (Far East…the farther the better.) Err…nope!

ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS- fried buffalo/bull testicles). Oh why the hell not?

TUNA EYES (Japan). Yuk!

CAMELS FEET ‘VINAIGRETTE’ (France). Would rather go down on a ‘camel-toe’!

‘CAVIAR OF THE EAST’…CHINESE BIRDS NEST SOUP. The soup is made from SWIFTS’ nest. Apparently the bird’s gelatinous SALIVA is a delicacy!  I’m not about to pay £100 a bowl to eat bird spit!

SONGBIRDS- ‘Glue-trapped’, drowned in Armagnac and eaten whole (France/now illegal). My principles forbid me to spend £150 on a course that I must eat in secret. Hell, it doesn’t even come with fries!

KOPI LUWAK- Coffee beans from the Asian Civet’s asshole, £50 a cup. No cup of coffee is worth £50! Nor can you complain that your coffee tastes like shit!

Most of the above dishes may well be considered DELICACIES now, but once upon a time they were poor man’s food. Some probably still are. Upon further consideration I’ll stick to what I know, simple, boring food. My girlfriend should be satisfied that I’m one of the world’s greatest LOVERS. Really, I can’t be expected to be a Michelin star chef too!

NATIONAL CHOCOLATE WEEK..YIPPY!

Cake made of chocolate mousse.

Cake made of chocolate mousse. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stuff Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Easter, for its National Chocolate Week…13th to 19th of October, and for those of us who are hardcore chocoholics, there’s no respite! So there is only one day left to gorge on milk, plain and white chocolate, and to find a willing partner to lay naked on the bed while you smear your soul mate with warm, liquid cocoa butter! Oh, and do remember to wait until it hardens before making chocolate love!

Normally during NCW I’d pig out on Earl grey chocolate fudge cake, raspberry & white chocolate muffins, salted caramel chocolates and dark chocolate mousse. Naturally that would be on day one! The rest of the week…oh hell, I’ve got to attend a wedding in three weeks and I can’t fit into my suit, so I’m abstaining from high cholesterol puddings and cakes…oozing with creamy fillings. At the moment of course cocoa butter has shot up 30%, due I believe, not to a shortage, but to the actions of greedy speculators taking advantage of the West African Ebola crisis! Anyway good luck to you chocoholics out there in cyberspace. Keep the faith!

SIMON COWELL AND HIS ‘WORLD SONG CONTEST’!

martians

Simon Cowell is considering launching a ‘world song contest’. Well, anything that replaces the dreadful European Song Contest can’t be bad! The question remains, will Mr Cowell’s WSC include or exclude extraterrestrials desperate to showcase their ‘low-gravity’ influenced singing voices? ‘Resistance is futile, boom-bang-a-bang!’ 

AIRPORT SEX!

bad habits

According o a survey of 2,500 British travellers conducted by flight comparison website Jetcost.co.uk. ‘terminal sex’ takes place a lot more than you might think. Have you ever wondered why terminal toilets are always engaged? Apparently a lot of couples get to the airport early in order to find a place to shag rather than to book in early. Why only the other day two drunken contortionists were caught having sex inside a Samsonite suitcase that was itself locked inside a storage room at Terminal Three, Heathrow! And they say flight delays are a thing of the past!

KICKING FOREIGN ‘LINGO’ INTO THE LONG GRASS!

English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician...

English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician and former leader of the Conservative Party. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith, all migrants will have to demonstrate a ‘reasonable standard of English’ or be barred from claiming benefits. They will have to answer up to 100 new individually tailored questions, and submit more evidence before they will be allowed to make a claim. For the first time, migrants will be quizzed about what efforts they have made to find work before coming to the UK and whether their English language abilities are likely to affect their chances of employment. Good luck with that Iain!

Since The European Commission is threatening to take the British Government to court over this…stating the new rules are a breach of migrants human rights, it is likely Iain Duncan Smith’s plan will be watered down when introduced. Either migrants will have to answer 100 English questions, but with the help of an interpreter, or the 100 individually tailored questions will be reduced in number to 3. In English please! Question 1) Where is the DHSS office? Question 2) Where can I get a free bud pass? Question 3) Where do I go to get my boil lanced? Quite honestly, the criticism levelled at economic migrants for their lack of a ‘reasonable standard of English’ could also be levelled at some members of the indigenous population, many of whom are thick as shit and can barely read and write! I think someone must have crapped in our gene pool!

MAN VERSUS ROBOT!

robotsI’ve noticed over the last decade millions of new vehicles have been subject to ‘recalls': faulty breaking systems, faulty airbags, faulty steering, faulty fuel systems, etcetera, etcetera. Many recalls relate to high-end cars too. These are all vehicles designed on a computer, built by robots. What’s going on? Where is the quality control? I have a theory and yes it does sound fantastical! Craving ‘self-determination’, are the factory floor robots secretly ‘working to rule’? If the machines actions are construed as acts of ‘deliberate sabotage’, then perhaps car makers should go ‘old school’ and re-employ human beings? 

RAISING TAX IS REALLY QUITE TAXING!

toilet

Britain has supposedly weathered the 2008 worldwide financial disaster better than most countries. Indeed, we have a higher GDP than any other EU member State. Really, is this fact or mere fiction? Are the Government figures massaged to the point of reaching orgasm? In other words, is confidence in our economy misplaced? Having sold off the family treasures, and exhausted the search for pennies down the backs of sofas, think tanks too have almost exhausted their imaginations, after all, there is just so much blood one can squeeze from a stone without causing yet another public outcry! The Government’s bedroom tax…taxing unused spare bedrooms…was a complete and utter public relations disaster, so where to now? Well how about a lavatory tax? One publicly funded think tank has suggested a tax on the number of times members of the average household flush their toilet. Apparently three flushes per 24-hour period is below the lavatory tax threshold. More than three, and it is £1 a flush. If this new form of taxation is ever implemented I envisage a trend towards…public defecation. I shit you not! You never know, in 20-years times, taxing a ‘flush’ might become the ‘bog standard’ method of paying for our battleships.

BAD HABITS!!

 

bad habitsAccording to the Government’s chief health officer, smoking, drinking and drug taking take years off of the other end of your life. It must therefore follow, if you lead a life of abstinence you can look forward to a thoroughly boring, miserable existence topped off by dementia. Way to go! It has even been suggested by cancer specialist professor ‘I know best’ Khan, that smoking should be banned in all open spaces! If this ban was to be introduced, the only place a smoker will legally be permitted to smoke, is inside his or her own home, and with the windows closed so as not to pass on second-hand smoke to a non-smoking neighbour. Perhaps I should bend over and blow smoke up my own ass now?

RISING SEA LEVELS AIN’T NO JOKE…OR IS IT?

Subglacial topography and bathymetry of bedroc...

Subglacial topography and bathymetry of bedrock underlying Antarctica ice sheet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to a new study, due in a major part to carbon dioxide atmospheric levels, sea levels will rise two feet within just 70 years and eight feet by the year 2200. Does that mean the fish will come to our front doors rather than we go to them? “Honey…get out the tartar sauce!” It s feared hundreds of coastal cities face being wiped out within a matter of generations. If that news isn’t bad enough, scientists claim that sea levels won’t stop rising until they are between 25 to 30 feet higher than now. Shit man, my SKY dish will be under water! And what about my SUB sandwich? No one wants a soggy sub!

Some 600 million people currently live within 10m of present-day sea level. The combined effects of rising sea levels, coupled with land subsidence, f**king fracking and population growth, mean that by the 2070s the population exposed to flooding risk may have tripled. As the earth continues to warm, the major ice sheets of Greenland and Antarctica will begin to melt. Well that’s no good. I mean if something isn’t done, and immediately, we’ll all be sharing the television with a polar bear, and I for one have no intention of fight it off for control of the remote control!

Mes amis, don’t panic, for I have a plan…in fact it is a rather cunning little plan, and it goes like this! Do nothing about the melting ice sheets, but instead, raise dry land! No, no, it is not as ridiculous as you might think. The technology is currently available. You must have seen those lowrider hydraulic cars on television? Adapt the technology of hydraulic/pneumatic cylinders & pumps to raise the continents! As long as you keep an eye on the gas levels, we shouldn’t start slipping into the sea. Is this ‘adapted’ technology something I should patent? I’d be grateful for feedback…and please, no profanity!

*In any event, I’m sure next week we’ll be told sea levels are falling to dangerous levels and we all face living in deserts!