Having just sold my invention…how to turn wine into water…for a considerable sum, I find myself with quite a lot of time on my hands. After careful consideration I have decided to buy myself an air balloon and, following in the footsteps of Phileas Fogg intend going around the world in 80 days! I will however have to break with tradition and take with me an ample supply of Walkers ‘sour cream & chive’ crips for I don’t much care for Phileas Fogg crips! Naturally I will take with me a further ample supply of smoke salmon cream cheese bagels, pickled gherkins together with a gross of chocolate elcairs, although I’m not quite sure how the altitude will affect the filling? It goes without saying my balloon will be equipped with Wi-Fi for my tablet and an outside toilet! My main concern is however, will I make it around the world in one piece, or will I be blown out of the sky by a heat seeking missile belonging to the Russians, the Chinese, the North Koreans, the Iranians, the Nigerians, the…oh fuck, I wonder how much a Kevlar coated balloon would cost me, and do Kevlar make bespoke underpants?
As I walked into my bank this morning I was accosted by a young couple wearing Sport Relief T-shirts. ‘He’ was on an exercise bike and ‘she’ was using a hoola hoop to great effect. They were seeking sponsorship for Sport Relief, a biennial charity event from Comic Relief, in association with BBC Sport, which brings together the worlds of sport and entertainment to raise money to help vulnerable people in both the UK and the world’s poorest countries. At the heart of the campaign is the Sport Relief Mile.
Returning home I decided to start my own charity, one to be affiliated with Sport Relief and BBC Sport. I would like to encourage thousands of unfit couch potatoes to get involved in some form of sponsored physical activity in order raise money to help vulnerable people in both the UK and the world’s poorest countries. Since the names Sport relief and Comic Relief have already gone, I’ve no choice but to call my charity…Hand Relief, which coincidentally has a lot to do with the physical activity I wish to promote! So get wanking and save a life today!
Some high streets in the UK have been turned into little more than ghost towns, but why have so many thousands of shops closed down? Many of us find it more convenient to shop online where there is a greater choice of products and at more competitive prices. These days with less in our pockets, quite understandably we want the cheapest. Local authorities have made it impossible for us to park locally, so when we do go out shopping, we choose to visit shopping malls and retail parks, thus bypassing the high streets. In the present economic climate you really do have to be brave opening a shop in the high street. Some might say you are foolish! High rent, high business rates, capital tied up in stock that you can’t shift, low footfall, no financial support from banks! Over the past 18 months £42billion of cheap credit has been given to banks and building societies, but little of it finds its way into the hands of small businesses or sole traders.
Between shopping online and in shopping malls some may argue the general decline in the numbers of high street commercial premises is just a natural evolution in the shopping experience. This may well true, however what are we to do with tens of thousands of boarded up shops? Is it morally right to discourage an individual’s natural entrepreneurship? Modern Miss might say, ‘get yourself a website and sell online, after all, fixed premises are so last century!’ Point taken, however, paying someone to develop a decent looking website and updating it regularly can cost you as much or even more than opening a shop on the high street, and there is no guarantee you will make a profit! As many online businesses go bust as make money! There is of course an additional element to this tragic story, an element that is difficult to quantify. What about the loss of ‘community spirit’ where everyone knows everyone else. What price would you put on that? Don’t tell me there’s a community spirit in a shopping mall! Any sociologist will tell you…not all change is progress!
My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am a professional food taster to the rich and powerful, who on their journeys to the top have acquired enemies who would wish to do them harm. But who are my clients? Middle Eastern potentates, South American Presidents, African dictators, Asian gangsters, Western diplomats and high-ranking politicians. Sure they wear Miguel Caballero bullet-proof clothing and Kevlar underpants, travel in armoured limousines surrounded by bodyguards, live in splendour behind gated walls, further protected by motion sensitive infra-red cameras, ground-based motion detectors, killer dogs and armed guards, BUT the weakest part of any security will always be FOOD, and Man cannot eat bread alone, right?
Johnny Eatwell is armed with an asbestos-lined stomach, ceramic-coated teeth and possesses a dog-sensitive nose. He is paid fortunes, flown across the globe in private jets and generally treated like an Emperor…an Emperor of food. Clients don’t eat until I have eaten from their plates. My most recent client lives in Dubai and for security purposes shall remain nameless, which is just as well, for his name is so bloody long I find it difficult to pronounce. By the time I had finished tasting the gentleman’s grub, all that was left on the plate was a single sheep’s eye and a mangy leg of mutton with teeth marks in it. My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am the greatest food taster in the world. Should you wish to avail yourself of my services, get in touch via this website and we can meat…fish or pastry. Honestly, I’ll eat anything!
SWITZERLAND’S local authorities have introduced draconian restrictions that ban asylum-seekers from frequenting public places such as school playgrounds, swimming pools and libraries. Predictably these moves have been denounced by human rights groups as racist! As we speak, there are 48,000 refugees currently seeking asylum in Switzerland.
First of all, The Swiss are not immune from the worldwide economic debacle. The building and upkeep of public facilities are paid for out of taxation. Why should public areas and buildings be used by large numbers of people who have never paid a penny’s tax? Do bear in mind, asylum seekers are often indistinguishable from economic migrants!
Few people are in favour of mass immigration, whether it be from asylum seekers or economic migrants. Most people harbour racist views. Never mind what the law says, that is your right! We merely want to protect the little of what we’ve got left from foreigners we feel have no right to it. The only people in favour of mass immigration are large employers, such as coffee shop chains and farming conglomerates who benefit from cheap labour!
Pelmets no longer have to match curtains. What’s hot? I’ll tell you! OUT is the flyaway bracken, IN is bespoke pubic topiary! BLEACH SALON, which has a branch in TOPSHOP’S Oxford Circus flagship store can apparently do your crotch proud! I am reliably informed that a leopard-print landing strip is all the rage, as is a neon Brazilian. Yes, you too can glow in the dark! Maybe you might wish to opt for a triangle, or perhaps a bright red heart?
I read about a not unattractive Russian woman in her 20s who was arrested by members of MI5 on suspicion of being a spy for the Russian secret service. Naturally ’Olga’ denied it, right up to the point when she was strip searched. She too had paid for private landscaping, but what did her pubic topiary reveal? Twas a bright red hammer & sickle. BUSTED!
*On a RELATED subject. For those CUNNILINGERS out there in cyberspace, what is the difference between a ‘PANINI’ and a ‘PUNANI’? Well’, one is FOOD, and the other is HAUTE CUISINE!
Let’s listen to SUGATA MITRA, professor of educational technology at Newcastle University. “Good spelling and grammar was necessary maybe a hundred years ago, but not right now. Schools should STOP PROVIDING lessons in spelling and grammar because children can correct linguistic errors on their mobile phones. Traditional classes in English language are a BIT UNNECESSARY at a time when pupils have so much access to state-of-the-art technology.”
Prof Mitra, who recently won the prestigious $1m TED Prize (Technology, Entertainment, Design) to develop a generation of “cloud schools” where children learn from each other, said it was a mistake to resist technological change. He insisted that children should be encouraged to express themselves in a number of different ways – including using mobile phone TEXT MESSAGING – rather than relying on ESTABLISHED linguistic rules.” Let me mention that the 2010 TED Prize was won by JAMIE OLIVER, MBE, the British chef, restaurateur, media personality, who, without wishing to sound too unkind, has a somewhat limited vocabulary! No doubt the 2014 TED Prize will be awarded to DAVID BECKHAM!
Prof Mitra has more to say: “My phone corrects my spelling so I don’t really need to think about it and, secondly, because I often skip grammar and write in a cryptic way.”
Professor Mitra, SMS TEXTING is not a language, it is SHORTHAND! Hundreds of thousands of UK children remains IGNORANT. Many of them haven’t read 1 good book in their lives, and unless encouraged to do so, never will! Nowadays, everyone seems to cling to DYSLEXIA, but it is a cop-out! Many who claim to suffer from dyslexia are merely ignorant, because they DON’T READ! The British educational system that was once revered both throughout the developed world and the under-developed world is now a JOKE! Generations of politicians who have ruled us may not have been the best candidates for political office, but they all had and have one thing in common. They were ALL WELL READ! To get ahead in life, there is no substitute for the written word, and I’m not talking about SMS texting!
Don’t you find it somewhat ironic that many Polish individuals who come to Britain to work, and who have ENGLISH as their SECOND language, have a greater command of spoken English than British children?