DAVID CAMERON ATTACKED BY NORTH KOREAN JELLYFISH!

jellyfishUK Prime Minister, David ‘Big Society’ Cameron was stung by a jellyfish thought to be of North Korean origin while wading in the sea off the Arrieta beach, Lanzarote. As you might expect, there were no shortage of offers to piss on the Prime Minister. Unaccustomed as he was to accept ‘donations’ from plebs, Monsieur Cameron managed to persuade ‘A’ listed actress Nicole Kidman (The Paperboy) to urinate on him instead. On hearing of the attack, back at 10 Downing Street a COBRA (Cabinet Office Briefing Room ‘A’) meeting was hastily assembled in order to determine whether the unprovoked jellyfish attack was a pre-emptive North Korean strike in retaliation for Mo Nabbach of the ‘M & M Hair Academy’ (barber shop) in South Ealing, London for displaying a picture of North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in his shop window. ‘Bad Hair Day? 15% off all haircuts throughout April!’

WHAT’S IN YOUR KEBAB?

 

kebab 3

UK Food Standards Agency inspectors swooped on ‘Simon & Ella’s Kebab Shop’ in Tottenham, North London the other week after complaints from customers that their take-away lamb kebabs didn’t taste of lamb. The test results have just been revealed! The lamb kebab wrap the FSA inspectors purchased contained beef, pork, donkey, dog, rodent and long pig (human flesh). Conclusion? Bloody good value for money! Best though to buy the ‘cuisine’ after a night on the piss!  And the French say English food is shit! How dare they!!

MAN SWALLOWS GOLD!

gold 2

A 63-year-old Indian man who swallowed 12, 33g gold bars in an effort to avoid paying import duty, took himself off to Sir Ganga Ram Hospital in Delhi suffering belly ache. No kidding! The gold was surgically removed before being confiscated by customs officials. Lets hear from the surgeon: “If the bars had not been removed, it is my medical opinion the patient would eventually have been shitting bricks!” Do you have an appetite for gold?

WEED-DISPENSING VENDING MACHINE AT YOUR SERVICE!

 

weed machineScientists from North-western University in Chicago, Illinois suggest that smoking cannabis alters the size of two key brain regions involved in emotion and motivation. Apparently even light use of the drug warps the brains of young adults! Meanwhile, over in Avon, Colorado recreational drug users are in for a treat that might well stimulate their emotional and motivational senses! Now we’ve all used vending machines over the years to feed our appetites for chocolate, sandwiches, drinks, condoms and even umbrellas, but in the town of Avon one can now buy marijuana from a climate-controlled vending machine installed inside the Herbal Elements medical dispensary. Sizes? Grande, extra Grande, Gigantica and ‘Oh you’ve got to be kidding!’  I hope the idea catches on. Perhaps in the not too distant future marijuana vending machines will be installed on the platforms of the London Underground system. Smokin!

*Oh how unfortunate! Easter Sunday shares the day with the pot-lover’s highest holiday, April 20, or 420! April 20 has become a counterculture holiday in North America, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.

CUT PRICE BRITISH ROYAL NAVY CANNOT PROTECT SHIPPING LANES!

ship in suez canal

Tory MP James Arbuthnot, the outgoing Defence Select Committee chairman launched a broadside on the outrageous down-sizing of the once mighty British Royal Navy, now reduced to a paltry 23 surface vessels, an insufficient number with which to patrol, and if necessary, protect vital shipping lanes. With no stockpiles of food and fuel, should a foreign power blockade say the Suez Canal, Britain would be vulnerable. Here’s a thought! Why don’t we feed ourselves, as we have done in the past and not rely so heavily on foreign imports! In the last major foot and mouth epidemic, 20million animals were culled and we still didn’t run out of them! And as far as fuel in concerned, aren’t there currently 5 wind turbines for every 1 individual and a newly discovered trillion tons of coal under the North Sea?

But looking on the bright side, should our tiny island full of fat people actually run out of food, we could always embark on a sustained campaign of cannibalism! That would certainly go a long way towards alleviating the obesity problem that’s causing the Government and the National Health Service so many problems! I say, let’s start with the rich! Eat the buggers, and you too can enjoy Michelin Star food, albeit, indirectly! This kinds reminds me of the lyrics to Barbra Streisand’s  ‘People’: ‘People who need people, Are the luckiest people in the world!‘ I’ll say!

DRONE WARS!

pocket droneIn the not too distant future we may will see thousands upon thousands of Amazon Prime Air civilian delivery drones dropping off our purchases, along with letter and package deliveries from Deutsche Post-DHL. In the event of a techno war, once the drones have completed their civilian duties, they might well be recalled to base to be weaponized in order to go and fight UAE (United Arab Emirates) drones in the Middle East or elsewhere. Aerials manoeuvres will never be the same!

BE MY EASTER EGG!

English: A chocolate egg decorated with bunny ...

English: A chocolate egg decorated with bunny like ears and feet. The ears and feet are made of pastillage (sugar dough). This egg/bunny is a twist on the standard Easter chocolate eggs and chocolate bunnies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • Sex is fun but eating chocolate is an emotional experience!
  •  Liberty, Equality, Fraternity and Chocolate!  Which out of the four would you sacrifice? Hard ain’t it!
  •  Water evaporates, land erodes, but chocolate spreads!
  •  Herbivores eat grass, carnivores eat meat, chocoholics have their own agenda.
  •  Money can buy you happiness, spend it on chocolate!
  •  Food can go off, beer can go flat, but chocolate will run forever!

‘THE GREAT ESCAPE’…CHIMP STYLE!

the great escapeI’ve just read about seven chimpanzees that used an improvised ladder to scale a wall and escape their enclosure at the Kansas City Zoo. One of the chimps pulled a log or a branch and leaned it against the wall of the enclosure, allowing the others to briefly escape. Their names? Big X, Cooler King, Scrounger, Forger, Surveyor, Tunnel King and Mole! Having been returned to their compound Big X is hunting for the traitor that sold them out for a bunch of bananas. Huh? But that could be any chimp!

 

TORY PARTY CONFERENCE SEX PARTY!

sex 1What’s this I hear? Another sex party I didn’t get invited to…outf**kingrageous! It would appear the UK Parliament’s expenses watchdog is to investigate claims that the taxpayer…you and me…indirectly funded a hotel suite that was used for a gay sex party during a Conservative Party conference, and no, the conference wasn’t on louche behaviour. It goes like this! A suite of rooms at the Manchester Light ApartHotel costing up to £2,500 per night was booked by the Policy Research Unit, a taxpayer-funded think tank, and it was here the gay sex party allegedly took place. Boy oh boy, parliamentary research has come a long way since I was a boy! Actually I’m rather glad I wasn’t invited to the party after all, for my sexual preferences aren’t particularly conservative! Vol-au-vents stuffed with whole prawns in an exoskeleton (shell) aren’t really my cup of tea!

UNQUALIFIED DENTISTS DRILL & FILL BRITISH TEETH!

tooth

Oh I can’t wait! The NHS pilot scheme has in fact been up and running for over two years in some parts of the UK. So if you don’t want to wait several weeks…months…years to have a fully qualified dentist tell you the inside of your mouth is an apocalypse, well you can always opt to see a dental therapist who will happily drill & fill your NHS cavities, freeing up qualified dentists to concentrate fitting crowns and bridges. I think I’ll stay at home and pull out my own teeth thank you very much!

SEX EDUCATION!

Durham

Durham (Photo credit: Jaydee!)

The new £30million North Durham Academy in Stanley, county Durham has opened directly opposite a seedy sex club that boasts a mock torture wheel and a fully equipped dungeon. Clubf, housed inside the Spa Hotel, describes itself as the best sex club in the north-east. The premises needs no special license, as it  does not sell alcohol and also the services it offers do not classify as ‘sexual entertainment’ – which means the police and council have no reason to intervene.

After frantic meetings with a junior minister in the  Department of Education, the school board has voted to add ‘Dungeonography’ to the current curriculum. Sixth formers will be allowed to enter Clubf one night a week for work experience, provided they are chaperoned by members of the Clergy!

Handcuffs and HobNobs at the village hall!

Trumpington Village Hall on the outskirts of Cambridge is known for hosting WI meetings, indoor bowls and the local Brownies troop, but now the village hall is, for one night only to host ‘bondage-on-a-budget’ classes, complete with tea and biscuits. The workshop includes “spanking and impact play”, “kink on a budget” and “flogging”. Entrance fee, £10:00. Fifty Shades Of Grey has a lot to answer for!

The trustees of Trumpington Village Hall say the hall was booked “under false pretences. When the bookings were made, the activity was described as a ‘relationship support group meeting’. All future books have been cancelled.

So I’m afraid You’ve got one night only, one night only, that’s all you have to spare
One night only, let’s not pretend to care
One night only, one night only, come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have ’til dawn!

‘GHOSTS’ IN THE UK NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE!

NHS Job Shop: "Working for Health" i...

NHS Job Shop: “Working for Health” in Kentish Town. Closed. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Doctor, if it’s not too much trouble, would you mind knocking me out before you operate!” And the surgeon replies, “Oh I couldn’t possibly do that. If things go wrong, who am I going to get advice from?”

Apparently, 1 in 500 patients have been known to wake up on the operating table…presumably with the intention of sending a text message…while the remaining 499 patients don’t wake up at all! Ladies and gentlemen, if you need an operation and you can’t afford to pay privately for it, do what I intend doing, operate on yourself! The instructions are readily available on the Internet, the power tools can be easily hired…most circular saws come with an extra blade, and finally, anesthetic is readily available at any good off-licence! Your chances of survival may not be higher if you opt to self-operate, but at least you will die by your own hand, rather than by a stranger’s hand, a stranger who has only had six hours training, who isn’t supervised, doesn’t know his left from his right, and isn’t fluent in the lingo!

I didn’t believe in ghosts…but I do now!

I’ve just been reading about GHOST PATIENTS, and no, they are not spirits that have come back to sue the National Health Service for f**king incompetence. The number of patients registered on the NHS  database exceeds the population by more than 2million, because hundreds of family doctors around the country are boosting their income by keeping patients who have died or moved away on their treatment list. These non-existent ‘Ghost’ patients on the NHS cost the taxpayer a staggering £150m a year, or £450m over the last three years. Presumably some GPs are confusing their Hippocratic Oath with the Hypocritical Oath!

The NHS have to cover the costs of these phantom patients because doctors are given £66.25 for each person registered to their practice. The system takes time for the systems to update when someone has died, so areas with a high number of elderly patients such as Cornwall and Blackpool, Lancashire, are heavily affected. Clearly an opportunity exists to make money by exploiting the system, but then, if a system doesn’t work, well, it can hardly by definition be called a system, can it?

In the wake of the 2004 report, the Department of Health ordered family doctors to ‘cleanse their lists and remove  ghost patients but many have failed to do so. In 2009 Birmingham GP Mohammad Cheema was found to have more than 30 ghost patients, earning him an additional income of  about £2,500 a year. Hardly a sum worth the risk of being suspended over, is it? In 2011 Doctors Javanti and Arun Singh denied that more than 1,000 patients registered at their clinic were either dead or had moved overseas. Dr Nusrat Mazhar was suspended in 2011 after she was found to have ‘ghost patients’ on treatment list in Streatham, South London. Berkshire had the highest number of  phantom patients with 138% of the population being registered to practices, according  to an investigation by The Sunday Times. Cambridge and Hertsmere in Hertfordshire  follow closely behind with 126%. The scandal comes two years after four doctors were suspended when 3,00 patients on their list were found to be non-existent or had false information about them. I could say more about the ethnicity of the doctors, but I won’t.

Me thinks someone should be on GHOST PATROL!

‘FAR-RIGHT’ SLAVE TO FASHION!

French nation front

It has been revealed a candidate for the far-right French National Front who was elected as a councillor in Clermont Ferrand, is a killer who spent seven years in psychiatric hospitals. The revelation is apparently a deep embarrassment for party leader Marine Le Pen! This must be one of those rare examples where the sword is mightier than Le Pen!

Meanwhile, over in Finchley, North London, Slovakian Zsolt Mogyorodi has opened his Viking Thor Shop, specialising in the Neo-Nazis favourite clothes designer, Thor Steiner, a specialist clothing label that is banned in the German Bundestag and several football stadiums for its alleged links with far-right groups. The company’s original logo consisted of runes placed together to look like ‘SS’ insignia. In 2012 Thor Steiner named its new German store ‘Brevik’, allegedly in honour of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik.

The brand new Finchley store is only a 100 metres or so from the Chief rabbi’s office, and a similar distance away from the offices of the Islamic Association of North London. When it comes to commercial premises, the golden rule is always…location, location, location! If Mr Mogyorodi picked his shop’s location specifically to be sandwiched between Jews and Muslims, then it was a brilliant move! The Viking Thor Shop…talked about on radio, internet, TV and newspapers…has now benefited from millions of pounds worth of free publicity!

If anyone is interested, speaking as a Jew, I still wear my bespoke black underpants with silver lightning bolts on them together with ‘SS’ insignia, but in my case, ‘SS’ stand for Smoke Salmon. Folks, what can I say? I’m just a slave to fashion!

WHAT WAS…ISN’T!

circuitboardResearchers, including Reza Montazami, assistant professor of mechanical engineering at Iowa State University have unveiled an electronic circuit made of ‘transient materials’ that can melt on demand following a command prompt, thus rendering itself useless. The technology could be used in mobile phones and credit cards should they be stolen! Great too if a covert agency wishes to disenfranchise a spy, collect and transfer secret information without leaving a trail of cyber breadcrumbs to follow, or a ‘breadwinner’ wishing to cut off a partner’s credit line before being forced into voluntary bankruptcy. The applications for this type of technology are endless.