WOULD YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM A ROBOT?

androidAccording to research undertaken by MIT’s Science & Artificial Intelligence Lab (CSAIL), human workers prefer to take orders from white-collar ‘robot‘ bosses when it comes to delegating, scheduling and coordinating tasks to be performed. Well I never! I thought robots were supposed to replace us on the on the shop floor only? Mind you, you’re not likely to find middle management robots sneaking outside for a quick fag or pestering a secretary for a quick f**k in exchange for a box chocolates and a trip to Miami! On the other hand I can’t imagine your mechanical boss is going to look too favourably upon a request for time off to attend a funeral, or to sort out any marital disharmony, can you? “Excuse me R2D2, but I need a sick day. I’m feeling generally run down and depressed.” Your 2 terabyte boss is likely to hand you a lithium iron battery to suck on before telling you to f**k off back to the factory floor!

MAN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX WITH A…MATTRESS!

mattressA 52-year-old man with 72 previous convictions has been found guilty at Derry magistrate’s Court of having sex with a mattress in a car park belonging to an old people’s home while watching porn on a handheld DVD player. The court accepted the defendant was highly sprung! Further details of the case are a little sketchy. No mention was made as to whether the mattress was memory foam, pocket sprung, latex or orthopaedic? In any event, the mattress was taken into care for its own protection! (Since the actual mattress gave evidence from behind a screen so as to protect its identity, the above picture is merely a representation of what a typical mattress looks like in a relaxed state).

ARE YOU THE VICTIM OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE?

emotional abuse

UK Home Secretary Teresa May is ‘considering’ criminalising ‘domestic psychological abuse’, punishable by 5-years in prison. Yes, we’re talking here about emotional cruelty…non-violent harm by coercion, threatening and intimidating behaviour! I have a particular interest in this subject because my late father ‘treated’ my mother to decades of psychological abuse, and it was horrible to watch a ‘lady’ being constantly humiliated. Having witnessed the hundreds of ‘events’ I wonder if that was the main reason I never married or had children of my own?

I’m not in favour of criminalising this type of abuse. Imagine hundreds or thousands of women and men turning up at police stations across the country in order to make statements prior charges being laid? Police budgets are already stretched due to mass immigration. Any investigation into domestic psychological abuse will be by its nature, time-consuming. Having spent precious resources investigating an allegation, some complainants will back out! The Crime Prosecution Service (CPS) is already overburdened by cases that have yet to make it to court. Many cases have already been waiting over a year. Remember, the wheels of Justice do turn, but very slowly! Bearing in mind the CPS will only take on a case where there is a 70% chance of getting a conviction, many of these new cases will rest on ‘he said, she said’. Independent corroborating witness statements will take months to gather. Since ‘legal aid’ has been drastically cut, how are these cases to be funded? Finally, let’s not forget several British courthouses have recently been closed in cost-cutting exercises. Criminalising ‘domestic psychological abuse’ is certainly well-intentioned, but in practice, the criminal justice system will not be able to cope!

ARE YOU ‘DYING’ TO GET INTO A CEMETERY?

casket

A cemetery, or graveyard is a spatially defined area where the remains of dead people are buried or otherwise interred. Huh, good to know!

Grieving daughter Stella Birdsall, 48, who wanted her father’s funeral to be memorable, has claimed it was ruined by a council official halting the burial because metal coffins were banned. Stella had ordered a £3000 vacuum-sealed, navy blue metal casket with steel handles for her father, Colin, 72. The service at St Botolph’s Church in Knottingley, West Yorkshire was apparently ‘ambushed’ the by council official beside the open grave. The funeral could not go ahead because it breached Wakefield Council’s policy barring the use of metal caskets. The hearse had to return to the undertaker’s so that the deceased could be transferred into a plywood coffin, which was all that was available. So in the end the funeral was indeed memorable, but for the wrong reasons!

It is reasonable to assume several UK councils ban the use of metal caskets. It is also logical to assume the reason is, they cannot degrade! So what? Is it council jobsworths fear a lightning strike of biblical proportions might hit metal caskets (buried six-feet under) and raise the dead, causing zombie-like figures to head for heavily populated areas in order to try out the Atkins Diet (long-pig), or is it that as land increases in value, councils will in future close cemeteries before selling the land to developers who do not wished to be troubled with relocating heavy caskets? If you can think of any other reason for banning metal caskets, do let me know!

‘JAPANESE’ SEX DOLL UPDATE!

japanese sex doll 1

If you lead a rather ‘artificial’ existence, then the following might well be for you! A Japanese company has bought out a sex doll range it claims is so lifelike you won’t be able to tell the difference to the real thing…at a distance! Err, doubtful! For £1000 you get a ‘Dutch Wife’ that looks remarkably dissimilar to a Dutch wife. Made from high-grade silicon, it is said your purchase will have an authentic feel to her skin. Oh really, well just make sure you keep Dolly away from any naked flames, or the thing will go up, along with your naked ambitions! Hey, not only will your Dutch Wife come with her own wardrobe of day wear and evening wear, but you can even customise her bust size and hair colour. Now listen up folks, before you hetros, metros and homos part with your hard-earned money, I’d wait until the really advanced Dutch Wife finds its way to the marketplace. My sources tell me she will have three pre-recorded messages hardwired into her that can be accessed by squeezing your ‘wife’s’ breasts or butt. “I wanna go to Miami,” “Not tonight buster, I’m menstruating,” and “I’m not signing no f**king prenup!” Now that’s what I call authentic!

UK PRISON CRISIS?

Ford open prison

Huh, what UK prison crisis? According to the Justice Secretary Chris Grayling there is no crisis in the prison system, despite accusations of overcrowding, staff shortages and high levels of suicide and violence behind bars. Even if there are problems with the closed prison system, there are none where open prisons are concerned. Take Ford Open Prison in W. Sussex for example. Here there is no overcrowding, and thus, no violence or suicides, and why, because there’s hardly anyone there! Ford has a capacity for 512 inmates, but currently the prison has vacancies for 406! So many prisoners have buggered off without giving notice, that there exists a discounted minicab service to take escapees to Arundel train station provided 4 share the same cab!

HOLY WAR!

holy war 1The ISIS terrorist organisation, or as it now wishes to be known as the Islamic State has cut a swathe through Iraq by slaughtering many thousands of people. Shootings, beheadings and crucifixions are common, as are forced conversions to Islam, rape and kidnapping for profit. The organisation’s stated aim is to return the region to a caliphate, that is to say an Islamic state led by a supreme religious and political leader known as a caliph. I wonder how Islamic scholars ‘square’ ISIS activities with their own beliefs? So while much of the world tries to live in the 21st century, it’s ‘back in time’ the terrorists wish to go. ISIS recently beheaded journalist James Foley who was kidnapped in northwest Syria in November 2012. There was a time when the Press were relatively safe in war zones, and probably because all side to a conflict wished at some point to put across there ‘side’ of the story. Journalists are now fair game due to the fact their services are no longer required. Terrorists/freedom fighters can ‘upload’ whatever they want to, and in real-time.

Back in January 2013 the UN Security Council passed a resolution demanding members countries not to pay terrorist ransom money. It is said al-Qaeda reaped $100million this way. Only 6-months ago two Spanish journalists were freed by ISIS after ransoms were paid by the Spanish Government, and only 4-months ago four French journalists were set free after the French Government paid up! Clearly the UN Security Council resolution is being ignored by the usual suspects! Therefore hostages, be them journalists or oil workers are being kept as ‘stock’ to be traded as and when the price is right! S0 ISIS is to some extent self-funding. Between stripping Iraqi banks of assets, capturing oil refineries and selling off the oil, and selling hostages back to the West, ISIS won’t stop its rampage until Western forces obliterate them. Other than allowing Western forces to use their airspace and air bases, as usual the oil-producing nations belonging to the Arab League do nothing to thwart terrorism in their own region. They are much more concerned in increasing the values of their Sovereign Wealth Funds. One day in the not to distant future The Middle East will reduced to just one giant sandpit again. No one will be vacationing in Dubai!

Meanwhile ISIS are doing everything they can to goad America and its allies to put boots on the ground. Theirs is a holy war, and it is backed either ideologically or financially by some of the same countries the West buys oil from. The Middle East remains f**ked up!  Yes, the existence of Israel and control of Jerusalem are factors, but so is anti-Christian feeling. It doesn’t help that American foreign policy continues to force Democracy down the throats of people who don’t want it and wouldn’t know what to do with it! Let’s face it, if wasn’t for Arab oil and huge arms sales to the region, the West wouldn’t have anything to do with The Middle East. We would let it stew in its own juices! I suspect between now and Christmas some of us will be queuing up for gas, but that will be the extent of our hardship!

 

HOSPITAL FOOD IS TO ‘DIE’ FOR!

hospital food

…so don’t eat it! Hospital food in Britain continues to take a battering. Patients have complained it looks like shit, tastes like shit and is often served cold. Other complaints include, there isn’t enough of it, the vegetables are overcooked and any meat that there is, looks like road kill! Bearing in mind you’re laying in bed immobile, you don’t really need a lot to eat, do you? Many attempts have been made to improve the general quality and taste of hospital food, and in some cases, by celebrity chefs. Poor quality meat and overcooked vegetables means, poor nutritional value, which might explain why hospital administrators want you on your feet and out of the door as quickly as possible. Hey, if your hospital food looks like road kill and tastes like shit, why don’t NHS catering departments serve up genuine road kill? Venison, pheasant, squirrel, badger, grouse, partridge, owl and raccoon! Christ, the critters are already dead, so why let all that nutritious food go to waste? All it takes is a bit of initiative! On a personal note, I often tuck into a badger sandwich with French mustard, then again, I am a bit of a gastronome. I suppose can’t expect everyone to have developed such a sophisticated palate!

Honestly, what is the point of spending hundreds of millions of pounds building a brand new state-of-the-art hospital only to serve patients up ‘diabolical’ cuisine? If hospital staff, including management were forced to eat from the same trough as their patients, don’t you think something would be done about it? If you wouldn’t serve hospital food to your dog, why should patients eat it?

DOGGY FACELIFTS!

bulldog 1

According to the Royal Veterinary College, fuelled by celebrity dog owners, doggy facelifts for bulldogs and pugs have soared by 80% in the last 4-years. It is said removal of excess facial skin is undertaken because without facelifts some pets are at risk of going blind or dying due to blocked airways. I suggest many such surgical procedures are nothing more than ‘vanity’ facelifts. Dog owners, having had facelifts themselves, want their pets to resemble them. Too cruel me thinks! Instead of the dogs being forced to undergo painful surgery, why don’t the human owners have surgery to add folds of skin to their faces in order to look more like their dogs?

THAT’S JUST ‘DOPE’!

jaycee chan

Martial arts actor Jackie Chan said he was ashamed and saddened by his son’s detention on drugs charges in Beijing. Jaycee Chan, 31, arrived one hour late at the police station for charging because he and his police escorts had been stuck in rush hour traffic!

EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT IS OFF ITS ‘TROLLEY’!

WASTE BINSThe European Union has given £1.6million to fund ‘bin collection rounds’ on Cuba as part of a regeneration project! Never mind the island’s Communist background. Never mind its poor human rights record. Never mind a large chunk of the grant will be pocketed by criminals. Since when has Cuba been a member of the European Union? Are not our contributions supposed to benefit member states only? On the other hand the £1.6million is a drop in the ocean. Since 2008 Cuba has received from Brussels £68.7million of ‘international development’ funds. Boy, those apartments in Dubai must be selling like hot cakes! Oh, back here in the UK our own bin collections are being reduced due to lack of money! Mark my words, one day history will show the EU Parliament to be the most corrupt government in the Western World! Staffed by gangsters, paid for by mugs!

STONEHENGE!

stonehenge

Ring Of Stones, June 21, 3 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time. I must admit, Stonehenge impressed the shit out of me. Photographs don’t do it justice. It is necessary to stand beneath the pillars to truly comprehend the enormity of the construction. It must be said, I was less impressed with the graffiti, chewing gum and ‘post‑it’ notes to the Gods. One theory is, the Earth was once populated by a race of giants. ‘Brains’ have suggested that one particular giant, having passed a number of painful kidney stones, arranged them in a circle to warn other giants to lay off dairy products. I kinda liked that idea.

INNOVATION THROUGH IMAGINATION!

 

bright idea

Zack Brown jokingly attempted to raise $10 on a crowdfunding site to make a potato salad in the US. Donations exceeded $50,000, which Zak is using to host a concert in aid of the homeless. Good for him, but it got me to thinking, I too could use a crowdfunding platform such as Kickstarter  to raise much-needed funds for an idea I’ve had in mind for quite some time. Having achieved only ‘low grade’ carpentry qualification due in part to that splinter injury sustained during the practical exam, does not in itself disqualify me from designing a smartphone shaped like a dildo. Naturally an ‘extended’ battery life would be a must! Hey, don’t snigger, after all it wasn’t that long ago we all used three or four different remote control devices, but now we only need use one to operate the Television, DVD player, etcetera! My other idea I wish to share with you? Have you ever been embarrassment by an unfortunate release of gas in an enclosed but heavily populated area, say in an elevator? How about a fast actingpoo-pourri’ suppository designed to deodorize your colon? Innovation through imagination!

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!

bright ideaNot wishing to make light of Amnesia, no, not the town in Nova Scotia, population 512, but am-f**king-nesia, the psychological condition that leaves a patient with no memory of who he is! Anyways, I’ve had this brilliant idea for a new TV series! Now you must have heard of ‘Who Do You Think You Are’, you know, the show in which celebrities are taken on a journey back in time in order to revisit their family trees, well what about a show called ‘Who Do You Think You Aren’t’, involving members of the public who suffer from complete amnesia? I’m not sure producers could get a whole series out of it though! Innovation through imagination!