IF I WAS GOD…

The Earth seen from Apollo 17.

The Earth seen from Apollo 17. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I would tell human beings that they only had 440 years left to put their house in order before their reign on Earth comes to a dramatic conclusion, but it wouldn’t be through my hand. Whether it be by design or accident, you will come to and end if you follow your current path. I would then spend the following one hundred years repairing the damage you had done to this once beautiful planet, during which time I would consider what species to replace you with. Something perhaps equally intelligent, but less egotistical.

You greedy humans have over-populated Earth…or rather, the Water planet, and between your copulations have poisoned the land, the seas, and air. Although you are to congratulated on your great achievements in the Sciences and the Arts, the same ego that put a space station in the sky will cause your demise. Put your egos in check before it is too late.

Why oh why do you bother to unearth the truths of the past and record precisely your recent  history on computer when all you ever do is to repeat the same mistakes. Tell me, what prevents you leaning from past mistakes? Then again, nothing is supposed to last forever, is it.

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

Body Mass Index (BMI)

Body Mass Index (BMI) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘David you’re far too fat. I’m not surprised you have diabetes.’

‘Hang on a minute,’ I said. ‘If I was my present weight thirty years ago I would not have been considered FAR TOO FAT. The BMI (body fat index) has been drastically reduced over the years to the point where presently a skeleton covered in a pair of worms would be considered obese!   Look doctor, I’m well aware that I’m one or two pounds over weight, but…’

‘One or two POUNDS!’

‘Perhaps I meant STONES. Anyway doc, I have tried to lose weight. I joined a fat club but I only managed to go to one meeting.’

‘Really, and why was that?’

‘Because there wasn’t enough food there to sustain me.’

‘At least tell me you made an effort…a contribution.’

‘Oh indeed,’ I replied. ‘Oy, Skeletar…yeah, you sitting at the back of the room…have you lost your two pounds this week?’

WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR BLOOD TEST RESULTS!

RBC Compatibility chart In addition to donatin...

RBC Compatibility chart In addition to donating to the same blood group; type O blood donors can give to A, B and AB; blood donors of types A and B can give to AB. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you mean I’ve got type 2 diabetes…how many types are there…HOW many! BLOODY diabetes…that’s all I’ve got to say! I must say doctor, this news has come at a most inconvenient time. I was just on my way to buy a cheese cake. And what blood type did you say I had…AB lumpy! Arh, that figures.

Complaint you say…from the treatment room nurse? Look, all I said was, I insist on a written receipt for my blood…what do you mean WHY…because my business is failing and my accountant told me to get a receipt for all OUT-GOINGS…and technically BLOOD is an out-going!

NEW DISNEY ‘THEME PARK’ AT GUANTANAMO BAY DETENTION CAMP!

"Guantanamo" by Carlos Latuff.

“Guantanamo” by Carlos Latuff. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My sources tell me it won’t be long now before GITMO closes. The DISNEY Corporation has already put in a sizable bid to turn the detention camp into a THEME PARK, to include a Las Vegas style WEDDING CHAPEL. Yes, you too can spend the weekend in an orange jumpsuit, locked in a cell eating shit while denied sleep. The idea is, when you return home you will never again moan about your life choices. So I guess it’s a question of GITMO TO THE CHURCH ON TIME!