I WISH I HAD GREEN FINGERS…

Common rock pigeon (Columba livia)

Common rock pigeon (Columba livia) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…but I don’t. Nothing I plant grows. Since I had it jet-washed, my patio looks good, or rather…LOOKED GOOD. I hung a bird feeder, it attracted pigeons and now my patio is covered in pigeon crap, and I do so HATE pigeon crap! Many years ago a pigeon crapped on my hair (my finest feature). I was told that it was lucky to be so targeted. I ran home…yes, RAN home and immediately opened the post. Had I won the football pools? No! Was there a letter from a firm of lawyers telling me that a distant relative had died and left my a fortune? Err, no! So what was in the post? Four overdue bills and a repossession notification!

Do you know what, I think I might plant my gardening gloves and see what comes up. When ARE you supposed to plant gloves, is it in the winter or the spring?

GWYNETH PALTROW’S DIRTY, DIRTY, DRESS!

When you’ve worked that long and that hard to get a figure like hers, and after having two children, well, the woman has a right to show off her ass cheeks. As a red-blooded male, I would consider it a veritable honour to leave my teeth marks in her backside. GO GWYNETH!!

Of course, if you intend to wear an Antonio Berardi dress with no underwear, don’t even consider having a curry out, otherwise your dirty dress may well become a real dirty dress!

SNOOTY GITS!

When I was much younger Lloyd’s was considered a rather snooty bank. Wanting only ‘middle class’ account holders, it was really quite difficult to obtain a personal account, let alone a business account. One really did have to jump through hoops. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Now you can’t even give away their loss-making branches.

P.R. GURU MAX CLIFFORD CHARGED WITH 11 COUNTS OF ‘INDECENT ASSAULT.’

http://openclipart.org/clipart/people/magnifyi...

http://openclipart.org/clipart/people/magnifying_glass_01.svg License: PublicDomain Keywords: people Author: AbiClipart Title: Magnifying Glass (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had no intention of writing a blog about this, however since following the case in the press I have become incensed! I don’t know Max Clifford, but from the little I’ve read about him over the years relating to his business shenanigans , well, let’s just say he’s not a man I would wish to meet. Now that Clifford has been caught up in Operation Yewtree/Savile Enquiry, a lot of people who consider the man a pariah believe he’s got what he has deserved.

Max Clifford has been charged with eleven counts of ‘Indecent Assault’ on young women, the earliest going back to 1966. What constitutes an indecent assault today may not be interpreted in the same way as an indecent assault forty-five years ago. I suggest that for example, patting a fourteen-year-olds bottom in 1966 was acceptable and not necessarily considered in contravention of the law. Today’s laws are much clearer and stricter. We now have rights not to be interfered with in any way that were not enshrined in Law in 1966. How can you therefore apply laws retrospectively? I’ve said it before and I will say it again. In the interests of justice you cannot allow someone to wait forty-five years before coming forward and claiming ‘foul.’ Why wait so long? Is the motive money? Should Clifford be convicted of said indecent assault, the fourteen-year-old, now fifty-nine will no doubt be able to sue the man for compensation in a civil court!

Unless there is a third-party witness to the event, any conviction will have to rely solely on the victim’s memory of the event. Dodgy! Likewise, a defence to the charge must also rely on the defendant’s memory of the event. Bearing in mind Max Clifford is now seventy, and as a public relations officer will have met thousands upon thousands of people, how is the man expected to recall with clarity every moment of a forty-five year career? Is Justice served, I think not!

FURTHER THOUGHTS FROM A CHOCOHOLIC.

Molten chocolate

Molten chocolate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why is chocolate so bloody addictive…is it the smell, the texture or the taste, or a combination of all three? If you were to make your own chocolate at home, but leave out the sugar, well, you would spit the chocolate out, wouldn’t you? It is the sweet taste that makes the product so IRRESISTIBLE.

If you could conquer your taste for sugar, well, excess weight would simply fall off of you.

BUS DRIVING MADE EASY!

English: South Harrow tube station southern en...

English: South Harrow tube station southern entrance. A similar entrance lies to the north of the rail bridge. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Something happened the other day that made me recall an unpleasant event that occurred several years ago, an event so unpleasant that I had blocked it from my memory.

I was asked to do some unscheduled overtime after another bus driver fell ill while in service. I high-tailed it down to Harrow-On-The-Hill Bus Station and took over a 114 (Harrow Weald to Heathrow Terminal 4). As soon as I got behind the steering wheel I became aware of an unpleasant smell. By the time I got to South Harrow Station I was positively high. Soon afterwards I jumped a red light on the Northolt Road. Almost immediately I was forced to pull into the kerb, surrounded as I was by THREE police cars with flashing lights. ‘Christ,’ I thought, ‘a bit over the top just for jumping a red light?’ Armed officers wearing full combat gear stormed the bus from both sets of doors and charged upstairs. A few moments later they returned to the lower deck with a suspect in custody and a revolver in a police evidence bag. As was explained to me, there had been a shooting a couple of miles away and the shooter had used my bus as his getaway vehicle. Needless to say, having completed the rest of the duty, the following day I went sick.

BOO-HOO, OH THOSE POOR PUT-UPON BEES!

A European honey bee (Apis mellifera) extracts...

A European honey bee (Apis mellifera) extracts nectar from an Aster flower using its proboscis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The entire Western World is in economic free-fall. Redundancies occur on a daily basis. Many of us don’t know where our next pound is going to come from. Some of us are forced, against our will I might add to do the jobs of two people and for no extra money! Well stuff the bees! If there’s a shortage of bees to pollinate our flora and fauna, well, let the remainder work twice as hard too. Let a bee do the job of two bees, after all why should bees be exempt from the economic downturn? I don’t want to hear any more harping from bees. I don’t hear any wasps complaining, do you?

Some of you may not know this, but some of the bees are taking part in SPELLING bees. Of what earthy use is a bee that can spell? Get off the stage and get back to producing HONEY…you little bastards!

MOTHER OF BOSTON MARATHON BOMBERS BLAMES USA!

Boston Marathon

Boston Marathon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mother of the Boston Marathon bombers Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, in defence of her two sons continues to deny her sons’ guilt, blames the USA, and regrets moving to America. She said in an interview that “America took my kids away from me!” Well what about those people who died horribly in the bombings and those who were maimed for life, has Mrs Tsarnaeva no sympathy for them?

Does the woman bear none of the responsibility? Are the actions of her sons not an indictment on how the woman raised them? I know that if I murdered anyone, my mother would condemn me, not defend me!

Let us hope that Mrs Tsarnaeva is as good as her word. If she regrets moving to the USA, then she should f**k off back to the hole she came from! For three-hundred-and-fifty years immigrants poured into America from the four corners of the earth, their contributions helping to make America great. Now you have certain kinds of immigrants who only wish to destroy the USA from within, and not just the USA, Britain too. I think the America should impose EVEN TIGHTER immigration restrictions.

THE COST OF BARONESS MARGARET THATCHER’S FINERAL.

English: Margaret Thatcher, former UK PM. Fran...

English: Margaret Thatcher, former UK PM. Français : Margaret Thatcher 日本語: 「鉄の女」サッチャー英首相 Nederlands: Margaret Thatcher Svenska: Margaret Thatcher som oppositionsledare 1975 Русский: Маргарет Тэтчер, бывшая премьер-министр Великобритании (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was pleased to hear that the cost of Baroness Thatcher’s funeral was only £3.6 million. I’m glad the Government decided to DOWNSIZE. Uncle Jerry told me that when he dies he wants to be buried in a simple wicker coffin. I said that I could do better than that. I offered Uncle Jerry a hanging basket.

I’M SEEING RED!

English: A Led Traffic lights

English: A Led Traffic lights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the past twenty-five years driving buses in London I’ve noticed a huge increase in the number of sets traffic lights on my routes, (The West End & suburbs). Presumably the thinking behind the policy of placing lights every twenty bloody yards or so is to slow traffic down and thus avoid fatal accidents, but all it does is to cause congestion, lengthen your trip and anger drivers. Considering there are three-hundred-thousand illegal drivers in the Capital alone, what’s the point? Most of them will not have passed a driving test, or have been disqualified for reckless/dangerous driving.

Soon there will be more traffic lights in London than actual people. The lights are probably made in China just like everything else. Buy one gross and get a second gross free!

DOUBLE DIP OR NOT DOUBLE DIP!

English: The logo of the band piss river

English: The logo of the band piss river (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since 2007/8 all I hear is DOUBLE DIP this and DOUBLE DIP that in reference to the British economy. It really s most confusing. While  growing up, when DOUBLE-DIPPING was mention in conversation, well it definitely had a sexual connotation attached to it. Is the Chancellor taking the piss, or what?

THE PROBLEMS I HAVE WITH CRUFTS IS…

RSPCA official charity logo

RSPCA official charity logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Following a programme entitled ‘Pedigree Dogs Exposed,’ an investigation into serious generic diseases following years of inbreeding, the BBC pulled out of televising CRUFTS Dog Show in March 2009. The fallout was significant. Sponsors Pedigree Dog Foods withdrew their support, as did The RSPCA and The Dogs Trust. At least fourteen dog breeds were exposed as being vulnerable to genetic diseases that would affect both the quality of dogs lives and their longevity. Having raised dogs of differing breeds myself, I can confirm they all suffered from some genetic disease, but I’ve known about this for decades! Currently I’m on my second Cavalier spaniel. My first one, Charlie was fine and lived to the ripe old age of fourteen and a half, but he was a middle-weight. My current Cavalier is tiny, and she has Syringomyelia (the brain is too big for the skull-brain fluid seeps out of a hole in the base of the skull and the dog will have something akin to an epileptic fit). This was confirmed by an MRI scan. So far, in the short period Bunnee has been with me she has shown no signs. In my research on the breed I was shocked to discover that 50% of all Cavaliers have this genetic disease.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but my point is this! There is no point to CRUFTS, for there is no longer such a thing as a pedigree dog. Almost all the breeds that will appear in the show ring will have changed SIGNIFICANTLY over the last one hundred years. In fact I will go as far as to say that many of the original dog breeds have been bred out of existence. Take the Dachshund for instance. Numerous sizes, coats long, short and wiry. The original ‘D’ had a short coat and longer legs. What do they now suffer from? Bad backs! The Boxer was originally much a much larger animal. Its been bred down, and as a consequence some suffer from epilepsy. Need I go on, oh but I must!

The other problem I have with CRUFTS is the politics! Many dog breeders spend years travelling up and down the country showing their dogs in local shows. There is no money in it. I knew someone who slept in her car. The purpose is to gain enough rosettes to enable you to qualify for CRUFTS. You might have the best dog but it doesn’t mean you will achieve anything significant in the show ring. There is as much politics in CRUFTS as there is in politics itself. I am a true dog lover. My canine friends always lived on a diet of food and love and conversation.

NAKED AMBITIONS!

Outdoor ice skating in Austria.

Outdoor ice skating in Austria. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I believed…I BELIEVED, that with just a little encouragement I could have become a competitive ice-skater, a jazz saxophonist, a self-employed hit man (divorce specialist), a world renown painter, a mountain climber of some repute,  and a world-famous LOVER. Well, at least I achieved one of my ambitions!

BITE ME…WILL I NOT BLEED?

English: Luis Suarez made by Paul Blank of www...

English: Luis Suarez made by Paul Blank of http://www.postproduktie.nl Nederlands: Luis Suarez, foto gemaakt door Paul Blank in 2009, http://www.postproduktie.nl/voetbal/Luis-Suarez.htm . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve just heard that Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has received an immediate 10-game ban by the Football Association for biting Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic. Frankly my sympathies are with the biter, not the bitee. I know that Premiership clubs keep their top players on a strict diet, but I do feel Suarez should have been fed prior to the start of the match. By-the-by, when I was a kid sometimes the only way to get past a defender was to bite him.

My defence of Suarez continues with the citing of ‘Cultural Differences.’  When I was last in Uruguay many, many people tried to bite me. Initially I thought it was because I was fat and tasty looking. Not so! Apparently friendships are cemented in Uruguay by biting one-another. I further submit that Luis Suarez merely wanted to befriend Branislav Ivanovic.  (Do you know what, I should have been a bleedin’ barrister.)