I MISSED MY CALLING!

My Personal Food Taster

My Personal Food Taster (Photo credit: LexnGer)

If I had been born 400 years ago I’m utterly convinced would have become the PREMIER food taster to kings, emperors and other despots! “Just a second your Maj,” I would have said. “I’m not sure the food is quite poison free. I need another bite…and another bite and another…” Yes, I would have become a legend, however I expect my highfalutin clients would have all starved to death. Served them right for employing a perfectionist and a glutton. No road kill for me! “Err excuse me…is that PIE I smell? No, I won’t need a knife…its not as if I’m going to CUT it…what do you mean you’ve run out of food…well give me directions to the nearest harvest festival!”

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I WISH I WAS A HATE PREACHER!

Hate Me Now

Hate Me Now (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wish I was a hate preacher, but unfortunately I don’t have HATE in me, nor am I ARROGANT enough to preach to others, but if I WAS a hate preacher and DID have hate in me I too could live off the State and milk the legal-aid system whenever I’m taken to court for spouting my evil nonsense. There really is something to be said for not having to do a legitimate day’s work in one’s life. Of course  should I really want to be appreciated by a much wider audience, I could up-sticks and move my state-funded family lock stock & barrel to a Muslim country, after all, the Internet is global. Since I have nothing but utter contempt for the UK, a move to a spiritual homeland would seem the logical thing to do, but wait, wouldn’t I miss British DEMOCRACY, free HAND-OUTS and access to the NHS? Oh God, I might even have to get a JOB just to put bread on the table. On second thoughts I think I’ll stay in the UK and continue to slag it off while  enjoying a TAXPAYER-FUNDED LIFESTYLE. Have you noticed, it’s never the hate preachers who strap bombs to their chests!

GHOST PATROL!

Massage for Relaxation

Massage for Relaxation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For many years now, whenever I find myself in central London I treated myself to a one hour massage at a private gentleman’s club. I admit I am no gentleman, however money talks. All the young ladies are fully qualified masseuses and sex is not on offer, well at least not to me. I vividly recall that during one particular session the masseuse got a rise out of me if you know what I mean, and a pretty damn big one at that. The towel rose and rose and…almost as if it was levitating. Rather than die of embarrassment, I thought on my feet which was pretty difficult at the time seeing that I was laying on my back, and I screamed, “It’s a bloody poltergeist! Quick my dear, call for a priest…I need an exorcism!”  Oh how the young lady laughed!

BETTING SHOPS TO OPEN UP IN PUBS!

Gambling

Gambling (Photo credit: sincerelyhiten)

According to the Daily Mail, under new planning laws betting shops will be allowed to open up in pubs and will allow shops to switch use to bookmakers without planning permission. The new premises would still need a gambling licence but that could be obtained if the betting shop had a separate door to the street and a door between the betting part of the building and the drinking part.

I like the occasional gamble but I don’t understand Government policy. In straightened times when people have very little disposable income to fritter away, why make it easier for someone to gamble away what he doesn’t have? I find Government policy irresponsible and I have to say, decidedly immoral! There are enough betting shops on the high streets of Britain already. Whether it be track, casino, betting shop or online gambling, let me define gambling for you; ‘Yes, money won IS twice as sweet as money earned, but you’re waging a moment of happiness against a lifetime of misery,’ and I should know!

MEZZO-SOPRANO ‘GODDESS’ KATHERINE JENKINS DROPPED BY RECORD LABEL…

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine Jenkins (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

for not selling enough records, and for making unreasonable ‘diva demands’ like spending £1,500 a day of the label’s money on her styling, hair and make-up during promotional and live events. I can’t imagine where the £1,500 went, but had the lady been shifting loads of records Warner Music Entertainment would dismiss the sum as a derisory amount. Folks, that’s show business! Personally, my daily expenditure on hair and make-up struggles to exceed a pound, but I don’t suppose you’re interested in that, are you?

ITALIANS GAVE AFRICAN MIGRANTS £500 TO GO TO GERMANY!

Map showing destination countries of refugees ...

Map showing destination countries of refugees /asylum seekers (= people fleeing abroad) in 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Refugees from Libya, Ghana and Togo were handed the money as inducements to leave. Now there’s an idea…travelling the Western world and getting paid for it! If every country was prepared to pay off asylum seekers to bugger off out of it, well, one could really live ‘la dolce vita,’ only not necessarily in Italy.

BOXER DOG BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE WITH HEART MASSAGE!

I’ve just read a story about a seven-month-old boxer called Lola who keeled over after having an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Quick-thinking owner Emma brought Lola back to life after giving the dog heart massage, and apparently she’d now okay. I’ve had two boxers in my life and they’re wonderful creatures. I’ve often thought that if a dog of mine was ever in mortal danger from anything or anyone, well I’d like to think I wouldn’t think twice in risking my own life to save a beloved pet of mine, yet I do believe I would think twice about putting myself in harm’s way in order to save any other animal or a human for that matter. Strange eh?

APPARENTLY I’M GOING TO HELL!

English: Vatican Observatory Telescope in Cast...

English: Vatican Observatory Telescope in Castel Gandolfo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Vatican confirmed that Atheists are still going to hell despite Pope Francis stating non-believers who do good will be redeemed through Jesus. Vatican spokesman Rev. Thomas Rosica stated that people who know about the Catholic church “cannot be saved” if they “refuse to enter her or remain in her.” Sounds like a woman I know! Anyway, if I’m hell-bound, I’m hell-bound, so what’s the point in me performing any meritorious or charitable act?

They say you go to heaven for the CLIMATE but hell for the COMPANY. The problem I have with HELL is in fact to do with climate. Some people say its damned cold down there, while others swear its bloody hot! When I leave this green and pleasant land should I wear a thermal undies, an overcoat and scarf , or just T-shirt and shorts, and perhaps carry with me sunblock a packet of wet wipes? Do please advise! I think the Roman Catholic Church should concern itself with its own crimes & misdemeanors before worrying about mine, and despite having its own observatory, me thinks the Holy See DOESN’T SEE ALL.

CROP CIRCLES…NOW THAT’S ART!

crop circlesI’ve always been fascinated by crop circles…the most beautiful natural artwork I have ever seen, but who made them? If it is aliens, then how, and what for purpose? Are there messages to be unencrypted? The designs are so intricate and so precise, how on earth can they be made free-hand, that is to say, without the benefit of expensive, laser-guided machinery? Whosoever is responsible for crop circles, I admire their imagination. Being particularly hirsute, I handed artist girlfriend Sadie an electric hair trimmer and a crop circle calendar and asked her to reproduce one of the designs on my back. What could possibly go wrong? After approximately 25 minutes, Sadie shouted “finished!” I got up and ran over to a mirror only to stare with disbelief at a representation of Wile E Coyote & The Road Runner. The lesson I learned? Never put an electric hair trimmer in a girlfriend’s hand after she’s had a joint!

CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS!

English: Baby leaf Red Pak Choi.

English: Baby leaf Red Pak Choi. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever noticed as soon as a television celebrity…usually on a cookery show endorses a product, within the following 72 hours the supermarkets have sold out of said product. It could be soya sauce, prunes, or a new time-saving kitchen gadget. No sooner had a famous person recommended PAK CHOI, that too disappeared from the shelves. Now that just shows you how effing ignorant I am. I thought Pak Choi was an Oriental board game!  I do wonder if a celebrity endorsement would work for ANY product? Supposing a celebrity recommended a particular brand of prophylactic (condom), do you think it would fly off the shelves? Nah, except for drug dealers and the Army (rifle barrels) no one uses them any more. If you were to walk into any maternity ward, day or night, there are corridors of new-borns flying though the air still attached to their mother’s umbilical cords. My friend Derek nearly got garotted by one!  Not so long ago someone recommended SPANDEX knickers, and now the under garment is holding in the nation’s bellies & bums. I suppose at a STRETCH one could say the knickers are space-savers too!

‘A & E’ STILL IN CRISIS!

According to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, thousands more GPs and casualty ward doctors will be recruited over the next five years to solve the crisis in the emergency and out-of-hours care. Since trust hospitals have been closing wards left, right & centre over the last few years in cost saving exercises, one wonders where the money is going to come from to pay for these thousands of new doctors. There is a general election in 2015 so naturally I remain suspicious of the announcement. Anyway, how many of these new doctors will be IMPORTED from non-English speaking countries. When I expect an injection in my arm, I don’t want to end up with the needle in my ass!

IN MARCH 2013 BRITAIN CAME WITHIN 6 HOURS OF RUNNING OUT OF GAS!

USS John C. Stennis and the smaller British In...

USS John C. Stennis and the smaller British Invincible-class HMS Illustrious operating together, April 1998. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently this was due to severe winter weather. Surely, UK being the ‘take-away’ capital of Europe, there must be at any one time enough GAS produced in high streets to run a frigging aircraft carrier? Never mind installing public urinals, we should have public gas collection points. Halal, Kosher and non-denominational gas…it’s all the same to me, so long as my feet don’t get cold!

VIAGRA FOR WOMEN!

Stay Up! (Viagra)

Stay Up! (Viagra) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A pill called LYBRIDO is said to increase a woman’s desire for sex, AND makes it more satisfying when it happens. It works on both brain and body to boost a flagging libido. I suspect LYBRIDO (how imaginative) will be bought more by men than by women. Personally I will be glad to sleep with a woman who no longer has to FAKE an orgasm!

WAS THERE A JEWISH NEO-CONSERVATIVE CONSPIRACY TO INVADE IRAQ?

Republic of Iraq Former President Saddam Husse...

Republic of Iraq Former President Saddam Hussein, following his capture by US Army (USA) Soldiers in Tikrit, Iraq. Hussein had his beard shaven to confirm his identity. ID: DDSD0501885 Service 031214X0000X002 Depicted: DoD or Joint Civilian Operation / Series: IRAQI FREEDOM (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now that it has been proved to some people’s satisfaction that Saddam Hussein’s regime had nothing to do with the Jihadist attacks on American soil, nor apparently did the late dictator possess WMDs, certain individuals believe that the Jewish neo-conservatives conspired to trick the Americans into invading Iraq. Well I wouldn’t know. I’m as well-informed or as badly informed as the rest of you, but let’s suppose for a moment that the invasion of Iraq was a Zionist War based on lies design to promote the interests of the State of Israel, (always assuming that a weak or a destroyed Iraq could only be good for Israel), SO WHAT?

If your people had spent the better part of 2000 years living under the yoke of persecution, eg, Herod of Judea, pogroms in England under King John, the Spanish Inquisition, more 19th century pogroms in Russia, all culminating in 6 million Jews dying in horrendous circumstances under the Nazis, well wouldn’t you do your utmost to make sure the Holocaust never happened again once you got a country of your own? I know I would, and by fair means or foul!

Far-right American Christian commentators have nothing to complain about. Did not President Bush take much of the credit for toppling a so-called evil regime whose leader supposedly gassed some of his own people. Furthermore, have not U.S. oil companies snatched the lion’s share of Iraq’s oil reserves?  Historically, the greatest riches are often  obtained through war. Take for example the Iran-Iraq War or ‘First Persia Gulf War’ in the 1980s. To sustain the fighting for eight long years, everyone who was anyone supplied both sides with arms, including America. Politics is a dirty business…the dirtiest!

NOT ALL RAPE IS RAPE?

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many years ago I was making love to my then girlfriend when all of a sudden she shouted “STOP…YOU’RE RAPING ME!” Shocked, I immediately ceased making love to the woman. “What are you stopping for,” she said. “I was almost at orgasm!”

I replied, “But you told me to stop, so I stopped.”

“Oh I didn’t really mean it silly!”

Another DATE said, “If you want to hit me, you can.”

“You mean, gently spank you?” I said.

“No, you can beat me up if you want.” (TRUE). Naturally I called ‘time’ on that relationship. A third young lady complained two days after we had slept together that I had not only raped her, but left her pregnant, despite the fact that I had INSISTED on using protection. A day later she rang me to thank me for the red rose which I definitely HADN’T sent. What followed was several weeks of harassing phone calls culminated in death threats. Young, inexperienced and out of my depth, I went to the police and had the woman warned off. I am a simple man who does not profess to know what is going on in another person’s head. All the above dates were PRE Internet, so I can’t imagine what trouble I’d get myself into these days. That is why when I do go on a date, I carry with me a portable PCASS lie detector made by Lafayette Instruments. I admit it ruins the line of my jacket but I’m sure the device will prove its long-term worth.