THE KARMA SUTRA CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH!

Jim Dubel demonstrating adjustment protocals

Jim Dubel demonstrating adjustment protocals (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A girlfriend bought me a very nice copy of the KARMA SUTRA for Christmas. I had no idea it was so old, nor did I know the 100 sexual positions were originally written in SANSKRIT!

Although the holiday period lasts for approximately 10 days, my excruciating back pain lasted into Spring! If you’re not naturally supple, or you don’t do yoga or Pilates, be bloody careful as to what positions you find yourself in, otherwise, like me, your new best friend will be a CHIROPRACTOR!

Now I can’t be absolutely certain as to precisely which sexual position proved injurious to my health: The Rocking Horse, the Catherine Wheel, the Ape, the Balancing Act, the Bridge, the Plough, the Supernova and the Stair Master are all suspect.  Maybe it was a combination of several positions, or maybe, writing as a CONSPIRACY NUT, the English translation of Sanskrit Karma Sutra was CORRUPTED!

SPY AGENCIES BAN CHINESE-MADE PCs!

A model of the GCHQ headquarters in Cheltenham

A model of the GCHQ headquarters in Cheltenham (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Computers made by the Chinese company LENOVO (ex-IBM) have allegedly been banned by MI5 & MI6 for fear they are vulnerable to hacking! It has been claimed MODIFICATIONS (back doors in chips) have been found in the devices that might allow REMOTE ACCESS without the owner’s knowledge! The discovery has led to a ‘written banning order’ being issued among the so-called ‘FIVE EYES’ alliance of British (GCHQ), American, Australian, Canadian and New Zealand eavesdropping agencies, including the US National Security Agency.

Since it is a well-known fact that cyber-hacking is state sponsored in CHINA, any half intelligent procurement officer in the UK secret intelligent services would think twice about purchasing computer software/hardware from China! You can’t always go for the lowest tender! Then again, if you really want to know any State secrets, just log on to the Internet!

FURTHER NEWS REGARDING THE TRIDENT NUCLEAR DETERRENT.

Trident Missile System external and cross sect...

Trident Missile System external and cross sectional views including basic dimensions. This is specifically modelled on a Trident II D5 system. Trident is the US’s strategic nuclear deterrent, a submarine launched ballistic nuclear missile. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We’re keeping it, (thanks North Korea), however in the current fiscal climate the British Government is continually looking for ways to cut overheads, hence the recent suggestion in a Defence Select Committee meeting that the Treasury should seek sponsorship in order to alleviate the financial burden in maintaining out SEXY rockets that will probably never fly.

Feelers were put out to various advertising agencies. Consequently the following companies have tentatively agreed in having their products emblazoned on the sides of the nuclear missiles;

‘Breslaw’s Hemorrhoid Cream…the standard for your behind!’

‘Virgin Airways…what goes up must come down!’  

‘Apocalypse Now-The Director’s Cut (United Artists)…buy it now!’

‘Ray-Ban Blue Horizon glasses…takes the bright out of light!’

‘DFS Furniture…buy now, nothing to pay…forever!’

Now I don’t know about you, but placing advertising straplines on the sides of nuclear missiles is entirely in bad taste! The other suggestion was to open up an on-line ‘pay to enter’ NAME A MISSILE competition. Christian forenames only please! Don’t even think of naming ‘ Trident 6’ Mohammed!

DON’T BLAME ME IF I’M O.B.E.S.E.

English: based on :Image:Lamb-Cuts-Brit.png al...

English: based on :Image:Lamb-Cuts-Brit.png also used source Larousse Gastronomique (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

UK Politicians and health professionals keep banging on about ‘obese society.’ I’m fed up with all the criticism! No other country has as many McDonalds, Berger Kings, KFCs and pizza joints. Their branches are on every street corner for God sake!

Like it or not, it’s far cheaper to feed a family of five on fatty fast-food takeaway meals than it is to go to the supermarket and buy the raw materials to construct a healthy family meal. Gas ain’t free either, far from it! A leg of lamb is currently £22:00. Forty years ago you could buy a WHOLE lamb for £12:00. Face it, for many families ‘real’ food has out-priced itself.

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?

Models on the catwalk

Models on the catwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My girlfriend and I were dressing to go out to dinner. Samantha turned to me and said, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ I took a deep breath. What I wanted to say was, ‘Darling, I can’t tell. Move the chuck wagon out of the way to give me a better view!’ But of course I wanted to get laid later, so instead I replied, ‘Darling, you’ve got the backside of a catwalk model!’ Who says that all men think with their c**ks!

FAKE INTERNET DATING FIRMS!

Internet Dating Superstuds

Internet Dating Superstuds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some Internet DATING firms are using the details of real people without their permission in order to create FAKE PROFILES with the sole purpose of enticing the lonely among us to seek love. Even celebrity data has been high-jacked! Furthermore, some matchmaking sites are buying the personal data of members of the public in order to artificially boost the number of people who appear to be using their services. Even though some companies are so obviously in breach of the UK’s Data Protection Law, I kinda sympathise with them. The online dating industry is worth a staggering £2.5billion a year worldwide, and there are roughly 1,500 online dating sites in the UK alone. Finding love/a compatible mate is BIG business! Christ, you can hardly go on any site these days without seeing a pop-up ad for one or other dating site. Why there are even dating sites for PETS! My nephew found his future wife on one of these sites, and the couple are very happy. Come on, obviously I meant a site for humans!

Yes of course I’ve tried Internet dating, and yes of course I’ve…well, lied about my height, weight, age, and just about everything else! Mentioning my family tree, I in no uncertain terms made it clear that I was directly related to that famous Roman General, Cassius Gluteus Maximus. In order to make myself sound enigmatic and thus interesting, I would state I was once embroiled in a murder…or two. “Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, I will have my revenge in this life or the next. Buy the way, do you like Chinese?”  

JURIST PRUDENCE!

English: Old Bailey, London, from NW, photo by...

English: Old Bailey, London, from NW, photo by Nevilley 14/6/04 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My old school friend Allen asked me out for lunch. I was supposed to meet ‘ad man’ Allen Crunch in a gastro pub near his office, a stone’s throw from St Paul’s Cathedral in the City of London. Since the English summer was here to stay, I got off the train at Charing Cross, and walked. Along Charing Cross Road towards The Strand. The Strand to Fleet Street, and Fleet Street towards Ludgate Hill.

Approaching Old Bailey (a street)  in which The Old Bailey courts are located, (a place where justice is on occasion dispensed), a young woman came into view. As she approached me from the opposite direction it soon became clear that she was without question the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Thirtyish, 5-9, slim, dark flowing hair, floral dress, exquisite features…I think you get the picture…oh, she had the whitest skin I had ever seen, and the bluest eyes I had ever stared into. Noticing me, my lady of the lake half smiled. I guessed she was saving the other half of the smile for someone else.

I couldn’t help it…as she turned right into Old Bailey, I followed her. Approaching the Court steps, she momentarily stopped, opened a clutch, took out a ribbon, on the end of which was some kind if I.D. badge. All I could spot was the words ‘Jurist,’ and her first name, ‘Prudence.’ Having only recently watched ‘Perfume: The Story of a Murderer,’ I tried to inhale her scent, but my nostrils were bunged up from hay fever, so I can only imagine what the young lady smelled of. Rose petals and peaches perhaps?

Mounting the steps to The Bailey, a sudden gust of wind raised my beloved’s dress above her waist, exposing two exquisite white cheeks. I think I almost stopped breathing, for this was no ordinary working bottom, but a work of art! Then jurist Prudence disappeared inside the building.

Throughout lunch I couldn’t get the young lady out of my mind, and indeed only pretended to listen to ‘Allen on Allen.’

Having arrived back home, I sat in my lounge with my knees together and my arms crossed. ‘Depressed’ was an understatement! To have seen someone so beautiful, and knowing that I would never have her in my arms was just so bloody awful to bear! Praying the trial jurist Prudence was involved in was yet to conclude, I intended returning to The Old Bailey the very next day in order to meet my dream woman. I had only one question for her, and it was this! Did she have such low regard for the British criminal justice system that she refrained from wearing undies to court?

NAG…NAG…NAG!

Australian mounted police officers on standby ...

Australian mounted police officers on standby at a peaceful demonstration. Note the facial armour and reflective shin guards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the techno age we live in, the POLICE, otherwise known as the ‘forces of law & disorder’ have at their disposal, bicycles, motorbikes, trikes, patrol cars, armoured vehicles, water cannon and helicopters, together with accoutrements such as tear gas for crowd control and rubber bullets, so why the hell do we still need MOUNTED police? It seems somewhat ridiculous to me!

‘NEW WORLD ORDER’…WHAT, ANOTHER ONE?

2007 book cover

2007 book cover (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some conspiracy theorists bang on about a NEW WORLD ORDER, and I’m one of them! This new world order, intended to control populations and natural resources does not involve ‘countries’ per say, but individuals who control global corporations. A new world order is not a ‘new’ phenomenon, but an old one. The Romans created a new world order, didn’t they? The Moors did it, the Ottomans too. The English, the Spanish, the French, the Germans and the Americans too. Individuals behind our present new world order have the distinct disadvantage of having to re-shape the globe in the glare of publicity, for with the advent of the Internet, nothing can remain hidden for very long. No doubt in a couple of hundred years there’ll be another new new world order. Business is business, and it must be managed!

A NAZI-HUNTERS ‘WORK’ IS NEVER DONE!

Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal holding a picture...

Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal holding a picture of Nazi war criminal, Walter Rauff, in May 1973. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nazi-hunters have put a bounty of $25,000 on the heads of the last surviving perpetrators of the Holocaust of which there are an estimated 60 people alive in Germany. All will be in their 90s. Some of those still on the RUN (Zimmer-frame assisted) are suspected of serving as guards at Nazi death camps or being members of the extermination squads. Leading “Operation Last Chance” is Efraim Zuroff, who works tirelessly for the US-based Simon Wiesenthal Centre.

As a Jewish atheist I don’t think Nazi hunters are going far enough! Once all the 60 odd 90-year-olds are captured and dealt with…by denying them their ENSURE nutritional supplement drinks, Nazi-hunters should track down (using DNA technology) all descendants of BLONDI, Adolph Hitler’s favourite German Shepherd, for it was BLONDI who orchestrated many of the prisoner round-ups. Once the world-wide DNA testing of ALL German Shepherds is completed, any proved to have a direct genetic link to Blondie should be place indefinitely in a doggy concentration camp in order to undergo a thorough psychological assessment, oh, err…and a dental check. Nazi dogs may have cyanide capsules buried in their canine teefies. Remember, FASCISM is on the rise, and no self-respecting fascist would be caught dead in public without his doggy mascot! If any of you doubt my sanity, well, come round and we can fight to the death on my bouncy castle!

*I intend no offence.

PENAL…’PENILE’ REFORM!

Français : Woody Allen au festival de Cannes.

Français : Woody Allen au festival de Cannes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Having just watched and enjoyed a documentary about writer/director Woody Allen, it triggered a memory that for some reason I must have suppressed, and yet I don’t know why, because it was one of the funniest things that ever happened to me, so I’ve rushed back upstairs to blog about it!

Many years ago I ‘enjoyed’ a rather tempestuous relationship with one Sandra. The sex was always great…we were simpatico so to speak. It was when we had our clothes ON that we argued like cat & dog, and over the most trivial things.

After approximately eighteen months of cohabitation we had one of our famous rows that went on throughout a bank holiday weekend. Looking back on it, I guess we were both trying to break free of one-another but didn’t quite know how to do it. Anyway, exhausted from rowing, Sandra suddenly turned to me and said, “By the way David, I should tell you that I never…never liked your PENIS!” I don’t mind telling you, I was shocked upon hearing this admission, and not because anyone had ever registered an official organ complaint before, but because I expected Sandra to have said something entirely different, like, “I never liked your sister”, or “I never really loved you,” but to come out and say she never liked my penis, well quite frankly, it sounded ridiculous!

Now once the shock of Sandra’s admission wore off, I started to chuckle, yes, chuckle! I eventually replied, “Darling, I’m sorry you don’t like my penis, because I have nothing but good things to say about your vagina.” I continued. “In fact yours is one of the greatest vaginas I have ever man-handled.” As I recall, Sandra stood there open-mouthed sucking oxygen. For once in her life, she couldn’t think of anything to say, but I did. “Sandra, for an organ you say you never liked, how come you’ve spent eighteen months gorging yourself on it?” Her eventual reply? “Yes, well…I was err on an economy diet!” Sandra packed her bags and left shortly afterwards. I suspect she was embarrassed that I’d caught her out on a lie. My penis, not up to muster…oh how utterly ridiculous!

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO PAY £25:00 TO SEE YOUR DOCTOR?

The National Health Service Norfolk and Norwic...

The National Health Service Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital in the UK, showing the utilitarian architecture of many modern hospitals. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

BOY, am I SICK of blogging about the NHS! FAMILY doctors want to charge patients up to £150 just to make an appointment. Most said they wanted patients to pay between £5 and £25 for each appointment. But one GP suggested a means-tested system, proposing “£10 for the poor, £25 for others, £100 for professionals and £150 for solicitors and accountants”. More than half of those doctors questioned in a ­survey backed the plan to charge, saying it would WEED OUT time-wasters, SLASH the number of patients they have to deal with and cut their STRESS levels.

Dr Shailendra Bhatt, a GP in Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, said: “People don’t value things if they get it cheap, worse still if they get it for nothing.” Presumably Dr Bhatt favours the Indian system, where those who can’t afford medical treatment walk around with open sores, broken hips and TB in their saliva! Doesn’t this proposed system of charging to see a doctor in the UK undermine the very principles upon which the NHS was founded?

Hey, what’s all the fuss about? NHS dentists have been charging fees since 1951! That might possibly explain why half the nation never go to see a dentist, but instead, walk around their entire adult lives with rotten and infected teeth!

Supposing I had a mild case of psoriasis, (a notoriously difficult skin complaint to treat), and supposing I needed to visit my GP say 5 times? From my experience, GPs rarely prescribe the ‘winning’ formula on the first visit. 5 visits at say £25:00 a time…why that’s £125:00, not including the costs of the prescriptions.

The truth of the matter is, if ALL branches of the National Health Service REFUSED to treat anyone who hasn’t paid national insurance contributions, then GPs wouldn’t be burdened by a ridiculous work-load, and the NHS would have enough money to pay for everything they need to! Point in case, foreign tourists OWE the NHS £90million, and it is doubtful much of it will ever be collected! Not that long ago, a comfortably off Nigerian woman flew to Britain just as her waters were about to break. She gave birth to QUADRUPLETS. The cost to the UK taxpayers…tens of thousands of pounds. Britain is seen as a SOFT TOUCH because we ARE a soft touch. Don’t come down hard on British taxpayers, come down hard on individuals who have never paid into the system!

EAT, EAT, IT’S GOOD FOR YOU. THE PERFECT MURDER!

Photo of closed Ackee (Blighia sapida) fruit o...

Photo of closed Ackee (Blighia sapida) fruit on tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two  months ago my wife Sheila, a rich, powerful and successful businesswoman returned from a business trip to Cambodia and announced that she wanted a divorce. I was not surprised, for we loathed one-another. A ruthless woman, a divorce would have left me without anything but Sheila’s death would leave me with everything, so I set about getting rid of the bitch. When she mentioned that she’d picked up a virus and returned to London with a severely depressed immune system, I set my plan in motion.

Accepting the news of an impending divorce gracefully, I suggested we go out for a meal. I drove Sheila to a new restaurant in Soho called ‘Soo Mi,” which co-incidentally was the name of my solicitor, (true). The fully licensed restaurant specialised in preparing and serving the seven most dangerous foods in the world.

The ‘EAT AT YOUR PERIL’ menu offered;

1)  Fugu (puffer fish). If the liver and reproductive organs are not correctly removed there is a strong chance you will die from tetrodotoxin. Good news!

2)  Korean Sannakji (dismembered raw baby octopus). The risk of choking to death as the tiny suckers cling to the back of a diner’s throat cannot be underestimated. More good news!

3)  Namibian (immature) Giant Bullfrog. Kidney failure is no unheard of.

4)  Cassava shrub. If this innocuous looking foodstuff is prepared incorrectly, cyanide is produced which leads to partial paralysis and death. Even more good news!

5) Chinese Blood Clams. Hepatitis A, E, dysentery and typhoid.

6)  Jamaican Ackee plant. The toxic black seeds in an over-ripe one can cause seizures and hypoglycaemia.

7)  Sardinian Casu Marzu (rotten cheese). If you were unfortunate enough to consume any of the maggots these would lay eggs in your stomach and you wish that you were dead.

The waiter came over to take our order. “We’ll take everything…twice,” I said.

Nine weeks later and Sheila is as fit as a fiddle and I’m on the job market. It would appear that not only does Sheila have the hips of a horse, but she’s got the constitution of a horse too! Meanwhile I’ve applied to become a volunteer at The Samaritans. Well, it’ll look good on my CV.

HEATED BREAST IMPLANTS!

The original breast implant: Cronin–Gerow Impl...

The original breast implant: Cronin–Gerow Implant, prosthesis model 1963, an anatomic (tear-shaped) design that featured a posterior fastener made of Dacron. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MEDUSA is alive and well thank you very much, and living in my bedroom. ‘Don’t stare at me,’ my frigid bitch of a wife would shout whilst sitting at her dressing table running a metal comb through her flyaway hair. Occasionally the comb’s teeth would catch one of the snake’s fangs and snap it off. Naturally the carpet is often littered with toenail clippings and snake fangs. Ok, I’ll say it before you say it. Yes, my marriage is a marriage of INconvenience. Christ, the last time Medusa and I had sex, stalkers only hunted deer and the Royal Navy ran their ships on coal!

My meeting with Balkan sex traffickers did not go according to plan. Alas, they wanted far too much money to take my wife off of my hands.

I happened to be browsing the Amazon site looking for reconditioned sex toys for Medusa, my frigid bitch of a wife, when I came across a link and followed it. Apparently AJAX Industries have developed a heated breast implant. Once the nipple is depressed, a molecular reaction occurs, heating the implant to 45C. Well I thought, its off to Harley Street with wife in tow. If heated breast implants don’t thaw Medusa, nothing on God’s earth will!