Well I am afraid I can’t disagree strongly enough! In my capacity as an official pervert, if a beautiful woman knocked on my front door wishing to borrow a cup of sugar moments after I’d been watching Internet porn, well, I’d want to tare the ass off of her! The only thing that would stop me, would be that generally speaking, I don’t believe in shitting on my own doorstep, and this comes from someone who suffers from IBS!
Greeks took the streets of Athens this week protesting against the fatal stabbing of anti-racism rapper Pavlos Fissas by a supporter of the far-right Golden Dawn party. The group reject the neo-Nazi label, and any involvement in the attack, saying it is the target of a witch-hunt. I say, put your money where your mouth is! Golden dawn should repackage itself, and be renamed Golden Showers party! Ditch hate…adopt love!
Nothing funny here! Rumania’s top court have ruled in favour of a law to kill tens of thousands of stray dogs that roam the streets of Bucharest after a four-year-old boy was mauled to death earlier this month. It is said, the 60,000 stray dogs bite dozens of people every day and are a deterrent to tourism. Bearing in mind the recent European wide horse meat scandal was traced back to slaughterhouses in Romania, let’s hope the 60,000 stray dogs don’t end up in our food chain. A hot dog should only consist of beef!
Everyone seems to be worried about the possible influx of economic migrants from Romania flooding into the UK at the end of 2013/Jan 2014. Now I don’t want you to accuse me of being a doom-monger, but I’ m afraid I have something else for you to worry about…something entirely more sinister. My friend Joe works for the DHSS in Chiswick, West London, and Joe recently received an application for Job Seeker’s Allowance along with a request for a free travel pass and accommodation with a basement from a chap called Vladimir Dracula. He calls himself a Count and claims to have no visible means of support. The return address given was; ‘CASTLE DRACULA, 3259 THE HIGH ROAD, BORGO PASS, CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS, TRANSYLVANIA PL3098, ROMANIA.’ Christ, that’s all we need, a social security scrounging undead bastard entering the UK! Personally, I’m going to buy shares in private BLOOD BANKS, because I have a funny feeling blood’s going to become rarer than gold!
When I was in my twenties I deferred all decisions to my genitals, and for a few years it was a relationship of ‘master and servant’ that worked remarkably well. Indeed I even considered removing the front door to my flat and replacing it with a turnstile! When I reached thirty however, I came to the conclusion that sex without love was like steak without fries, and I liked fries. True love has no equal!
A randy couple, unable to keep their hands off one another decided to have sex in a car while cruising along the Eisenhower expressway, west of Chicago. The excitable pair was caught on camera in their mini-van by another couple driving beside them. I can only imagine, whoever was behind the wheel has passed his, or her Advanced Driving Test, that or the entwined love birds were testing out a new secret driverless car that we are hearing so much about. I myself once enjoyed a blowjob while driving along a three lane UK motorway. I would never do it again. Fraught with danger!
Angela Merkel, 59, the daughter of a Protestant pastor who grew up behind the Iron curtain in East Germany, is celebrating after winning a historic third term as chancellor. Her conservative Christian Democrats won 42% of the vote, yet they may still be forced into forming a coalition with the Social Democrats. “It’s a super result,” said Merkel, flashing a broad smile. I wonder whether Merkel will celebrate by masturbating with German efficiency while listening to Wagner?
Get ready for riots up and down the Britain! Smoking is set to be banned in all prisons in England and Wales, sparking fears inmates may riot when they are forbidden from lighting up. Christ, lags won’t even be permitted to smoke in exercise yards! Never mind, at least they’ll be offered complimentary nicotine patches to help satisfy their cravings. Naturally there will be a pilot project next spring, and once the Prison Service realises its folly, the blanket implementation of the ban will no doubt, be abandoned! Fights for no reason, stabbing, property damage…lest we forget, nicotine is a narcotic! Figures show about 80% of the 84,300 inmates smoke and tobacco is a valuable currency that is traded on the wings.
But why a ban? There are fears that the Prison Service could face compensation claims from officers who claim that they are victims of passive smoking. One thing is for certain, try imposing a tobacco ban at open prisons, and the already over-stretched police will hunting hundreds of absconders!
Apparently 100 patients a day wait an hour in an ambulance before they reach A & E. (One presumes not in the same ambulance). This reminds me of the STACKING system above Heathrow Airport. Suppose you are actually flying into the UK for a life-saving operation. Between circling the airport for 45 minutes waiting for a landing slot, and waiting an hour in the ambulance once it arrives at the hospital, might you not be too dehydrated to undergo the rigours of an operation? Britain WORKS!
Meanwhile, scientists have found that people who queue place a higher value on the goods they are waiting for. This, in turn, makes them more patient as they believe their purchase is worth it. That’s all well and good if by the time you reach the front of the queue you are able to purchase the item you’ve been queuing for, but what happens when after say three hours queuing in the cold and wet you discover that new model iPhone is all sold out, or the plane has taken off without you?
I am so sorry to hear that the publisher of adult magazine Penthouse has filed for bankruptcy with $300million of debt. California-based FriendFinder Networks, who own the publication, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Tuesday after losing $49.4 million last year, and $10.3 million in the past quarter. I’m not surprised, after all, how can any hard copy adult publication compete with free porn available on the Internet 24-hours a day! At one time, the late Bob Guccione’s magazine enjoyed a monthly circulation of 5 million. I remember with fondness the endless hours spent perusing Penthouse in order to better understand the female anatomy prior to going to art college. As a matter of fact I still have over 80 copies of the magazine. Other than a few pages stuck together, they are in mint condition.
Sir Richard Branson says Virgin could eventually build hotels in space. The entrepreneur made his prediction as he revealed that his latest venture, Virgin Galactic, which aims to take ordinary people into space, is just “months away” from its first flight.
Speaking at the Institute of Directors’ annual conference in London, the multi-billionaire said that around 700 people had bought tickets to fly on Virgin Galactic, which are priced at £130,000. “Only 500 people have thus far been up in space and we believe we can do that in our first year. We also want to pioneers planes that could eventually transport people from London to Australia in two hours.”
I for one…finances permitting, would love to book into the Virgin Space Hotel. I would of course insist upon a room with a balcony!
Little Chef’s roadside ‘restaurants’ have bitten the dust! Even an overhaul by food alchemist Heston Blumenthal failed to save the chain from the dustbin. The last time I ate at a Little Chef…over twenty years ago, I spent so long chasing a greasy sausage around the plate that I was late for a business meeting and lost out on a potentially lucrative contract. On that occasion I failed to bring home the bacon, but not to worry, there were plenty of other occasions I failed to bring home the bacon too. Let’s hope Little Chef rises from the ashes!
What’s this I hear…good news? Little Chef has been bought for £15million by Kuwaiti Kout Food Group! Will the famous Fat Charlie mascot be saved, or will he be replaced by a camel? Only time will tell!
It is said Britain risks losing out on £10 billion a year in trade deals if the UK withdraws from the European Union. Oh really? Deduct the cost of our annual subs to the EU and DHSS hand-outs to EU economic migrants and I bet we’d be quids in!
Millions of ordinary investors…presumably that’s you and me…could be offered a pre-election sweetener next year in the form of cheap shares in Lloyds bank. On Monday last fund managers and insurers snapped up 6% of the state-backed lender, raising £3.2billion for the Treasury. My question is this! The taxpayers have already coughed up £20.5BILLION to bail out the trouble hit bank, so why would taxpayers again wish to buy shares, albeit at a ‘knock-down’ rate? Am I missing something? Do you honestly think your shares will ever be worth much more than you might pay for them?
The porn industry will soon begin filming again after an enforced break when four performers tested positive for HIV. Boy, that was one short moratorium! No chance of plots going stale then? Will adult performers be using condoms from now on? Some will, many won’t. The industry is against using condoms because it would affect DVD sales. Anyway, with productions backed-up, I bet many of the actors are anxious to get back in the saddle. Funnily enough, one of the latest productions is called ‘Let’s Saddle Up!’