GOLD HAS LOST ITS LUSTRE!

Crown dentistry gold 03 lateral

Crown dentistry gold 03 lateral (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t understand why GOLD has lost its lustre, but it has. The price of an ounce of it been slipping for months, and now it’s fallen to below $1,200. I can’t see it ever reaching the dizzy heights of $1,900 per troy ounce again any time soon. So, the BOTTOM had fallen out of gold, which I have to say is quite apt, for so has the price of a solid gold BUTT PLUG!  Despite this dramatic fall in our most precious of metals, there are two places where gold will retain its lustre…at a jewellery store and at a dental practice. Do you honestly think the price of a gold bridge or crown coming down any time soon? The last time I visited my dentist, he told me that I need a crown, “and may I suggest a GOLD crown!” I reminded the gentleman that it was not my function to keep him behind the wheel of a brand new Mercedes. “For that,” I said, “you’ll have to look to another patient!”

HELLO…IS THERE ANYBODY THERE…HELLO IS THERE ANYBODY…

English: The logo for Apple Computer, now Appl...

English: The logo for Apple Computer, now Apple Inc.. The design of the logo started in 1977 designed by Rob Janoff with the rainbow color theme used until 1999 when Apple stopped using the rainbow color theme and used a few different color themes for the same design. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Technology, particularly communication devices are getting smaller and smaller. Apparently Apples new iPhone does everything except toasting bread, and what about the iWatch? What about bar-codes inserted under the skin that contain data, particularly access codes and passwords. Mark my words, it won’t be very long before you will be able to have a tiny cell phone surgically implanted in one’s rectum, allowing people who talk out of their asses to actually talk out of their asses! I expect it will come with an echo dampener.

BRITNEY SPEARS SCARES OFF SOMALI PIRATES!

English: I have taken an image of the MV Faina...

English: I have taken an image of the MV Faina with the crew and cropped out pictures of Somali pirates, and made a montage of them. I will license my edits under the same license that applies to an original work of the US Navy, which is Public Domain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pirates in the horn of Africa are being blasted into submission by Britney Spears songs. Pop tunes ‘Baby One More Time’ and ‘Oops! I Did It Again’ are reportedly proving particularly effective in fending off Somali sea-faring bandits attempts to board oil tankers. Apparently Somali pirates find Western music particularly offensive. One whiff of Britney Spears and they turn tail and head for the nearest mosque. Well, I really don’t know what to make of this? If the ploy works, and it appears to, great, however, long-term I suggest a quite different strategy might be employed by the merchant navy. Somali pirates may well return to the sea wearing earplugs! In the meantime song writers Max Martin and Rami Yacoub can enjoy particularly generous royalties!

Despite this temporary setback, crimes at seas have filled pirates coffers to the tune of $413million (£259million). 2005 to 2012 were very good years indeed! I understand from my broker, most of the ransom paid to the Somali hijackers was spent on buying stock in shipping companies. Blackbeard…eat your heart out!

£250,000 TO ‘UPGRADE’ PALACE OF WESTMINSTER PRIVATE GYM!

English: The London House of Parliament

English: The London House of Parliament (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Despite the UK Palace of Westminster sinking into the Thames river due to subsidence, it appears that MPs, peers and Parliament staff won’t be looking for temporary alternative accommodation any time soon, for taxpayers are about to stump up £250,000 to upgrade the Westminster Gym. Open to parliamentary passholders, improvements will include developing a new spinning area, where members can train on static cycles. One would have thought, members, so often full of Chateau Thames Embankment, they would have had enough of spinning? Let’s hope the 693 gym members who pay £47:00 a month to huff, puff, break wind and turn blue in the face appreciate my contribution! I suspect much of the £250,000 will be spent strengthening the exercise equipment that bears the brunt of the many, ample parliamentary girths! It is a pity a similar sum couldn’t be spent to ‘upgrade’ the quality of our politicians! I do wonder what Oliver Cromwell would have made of all this Parliamentary bollocks…the man who fought in the English Civil War in order to provide a Parliament that served the People, and not the other way round?

COCAINE…A MERE FLIGHT OF FANCY!

Racing pigeon

Racing pigeon (Photo credit: SaltGeorge)

DOPING scandals involving performance enhancing drugs never seem to go away; International athletics …swimming…weight-lifting…the Tour De France…horse racing…pigeon racing…pigeon racing? Apparently a number of pigeons in Belgium were found with traces of cocaine and painkillers in their system. Five birds tested positive for Mobistix, a painkiller used to combat fever and inflammation. A sixth bird had traces of cocaine in its system. Perhaps unfortunately, the Pigeon Fanciers’ Association will not be able to take any disciplinary action against  the owners of the birds because the samples were submitted anonymously. No doubt new doping rules will be introduced to the sport ahead of the 2014 racing season.

Pigeon racing has always been popular in Great Britain, but I had no idea the Belgiums took the sport so seriously. Racing pigeons must often cover 600 miles, and many, often 60% of competitors in any given race never make it home. Some defect to North Korea, whilst others fall victim to exhaustion, get lost or are killed by predators or power cables. Let’s hope Bolt that was bought by a Chinese businessman for a whopping £260,000 earlier this year doesn’t end up on those power lines.

CHOCOLATE CONSPIRACY!

A chocolate bar and melted chocolate. Chocolat...

A chocolate bar and melted chocolate. Chocolate is made from the cocoa bean, which is a natural source of theobromine. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of days ago I brought home a bag of assorted chocolate bars. They were on sale for half price at the supermarket. Julie my girlfriend, yes, the one who placed an embargo on sex, having eaten three days worth of chocolate rations in one sitting had the cheek to round on me. “David, I forbid you to bring any more chocolate into this house. It’s bad for your cholesterol, and I have no intention of nursing you should you fall into a diabetic coma!” Weak-willed Julie placed the remainder of the chocolate bars into a plastic bag and tied it to the outside of our wrought iron gate. “It’ll soon be Halloween,” she said. “The children can help themselves!” Two-thirty this morning I heard the front door slam. Bunnee, our Cavalier and I rushed down stairs, she barking, me swearing. Unbeknownst to me, Julie had sneaked out of bed and retrieved the chocolate, locking herself out in the process. “Bloody hypocrite,” I said, having let Julie back in. “David, you can wipe that self-satisfying smile off your face!” I couldn’t. “What about the children,” I said. “Fuck’em!” Julie replied, stuffing her face. “Now about that sex embargo?” It was Julie’s turn to wear that self-satisfying smile. “David, it’s still on!”  

MONEY IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!

"Chas. Chaplin". Actor Charlie Chapl...

“Chas. Chaplin”. Actor Charlie Chaplin seated at desk. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is a row brewing in government circles as to who should be the new face of the £10 note. Apparently Jane Austen has some support, but not enough to make her a shoe-in. Elizabeth Fry may be replaced by Winston Churchill on the £5 note. The Bank of England has come in for criticism over the move, which means it’s possible that no women will be represented on UK bank notes. May I submit my shortlist? Norman Wisdom, Benny Hill, Bob Hope, and Charlie Chaplin. Now that would be FUNNY MONEY! But seriously, who’s on MONEY is really and truly of little importance. What is BEHIND the notes is of vital concern to us all. With no gold and bugger-all industry, confidence in money is at an all-time low, as is the INTEREST one can get on it!

HEY…WAYNE, SOMEBODY’S HAVING AN ‘ART’ ATTACK!!

The Hay Wain

The Hay Wain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man has been charged with criminal damage after John Constable’s 1821 masterpiece The Hay Wain in room 34 at London’s National Gallery was attacked and defaced. A four-inch photograph of a young boy was glued to the picture. It shows an idyllic rural scene with a cart, a hay wain and the river Stour in Suffolk. The incident may have had something to do with Fathers4Justice. Anyway, conservation staff were on the scene very rapidly and the painting was removed for treatment.

Now come on, a small photograph of a boy glued to the painting is not what I would call an attack/major defacement. In my book, a major defacement would have been filling the cart with ‘naked concubines holding Amazon packages, a ‘Virgin’ sponsored paraglider, piranhas in the water, and the artist’s signature over-painted with the word BANKSY!

‘IT’S NOT YOU…IT’S ME’…DIY MALE FERTILITY TESTS!

Boots UK

Boots UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Britain’s first ‘over the counter’ DIY male fertility test is available to buy from Boots the chemist, enabling men to check their sperm count at home. For £30:00 and 98% accurate, SpermCheck, takes ten minutes to show if a man has a ‘normal’ or ‘low’ sperm count.

About bloody time! Why should women carry the stigma of infertility when it is often their heavy-drinking, heavy-smoking male partners who are unable to fertilize a perfectly healthy egg? Thankfully, I have no need to carry out a fertility check. Having been born with an extra brussel, I have at my disposal, not 40 to 60 million sperm ready for sequential jettisoning, but closer to 120 million! And as far as ‘fitness to serve’ is concerned, well, my soldiers can all perform breast stroke, front crawl, back stroke and butterfly! Sub-fertile…no, never…why the thought is absurd!

I ALMOST HAD AN ‘ARROWING’ TIME!

English: An un-official 80cm FITA archery targ...

English: An un-official 80cm FITA archery target Italiano: un bersaglio FITA non ufficiale da 80cm per il tiro con l’arco (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sunday last, 12:00 am GMT. I attended a local charity archery event with my friend Jenny. The targets were so far away, I’m glad I had the foresight to take binoculars with me. Jenny was up first. Out of five aluminium arrows, she hit the target twice. The rest went into the trees. My turn! Of the five arrows, they all missed the target! Now I know a bad workman always blames his tools, but in this particular case, I was working with sub-standard equipment.

When everyone had fired off their arrows, the whistle sounded, and we all went to retrieve that which we had shot. The second round! Again, I completely missed the target. I can’t be sure, but I do believe that one of my arrows shot up a squirrel’s ass. Jenny fared much better. She hit the target five times, scoring a bulls-eye TWICE. Previously when she retrieved her arrows, she’d pinned a photograph of her ex-husband onto the bulls-eye. Clever woman! Using a photo of ex-wife Gloria, I might have thought to do the same thing, but for the fact that in nine years of marriage, none of the photographs I took of her ever developed!

HOUSE OF LORDS £100,000 TOILET UPGRADE!

The Palace of Westminster seen from east. Vict...

The Palace of Westminster seen from east. Victoria Tower and the House of Lords is on the left. The Clock Tower of Big Ben and the House of Commons is on the right. The spire left of centre is the 300ft ventilation chimney above the central lobby. The twin white towers just visible in the background is Westminster Abbey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Taxpayers will fund the refurbishment of two toilets used by peers and VIP guests at the Palace of Westminster, and the cost to the people who will pay for it but won’t be allowed to use them, £100,000!

According to an advert inviting contractors to bid for the work, both the men’s and women’s lavatories in the House of Lords are in an “unacceptable condition for the high profile area they are in”.  I do wonder what an “unacceptable condition” actually means? Are they in fact in ‘crack house’ condition, or has the marble floor and walnut surround merely faded, not from age, but from the drunken peers and their VIP guests pissing all over the shop! The advert goes on to say, “The toilets have reached the end of their serviceable life.” Then may I humbly suggest the peers piss out of a window, after all, the building is located on the Thames, and frankly, the river couldn’t get any more polluted than it is now! Why do you think there are so many brown trout in it?

The unusually high cost of toilet refurb is explained by the fact that the work must comply with English Heritage requirements for grade one listed buildings. I wish I could afford an English Heritage standard  toilet in my gaff! Of course the £100,000 is peanuts when compared to the £1 billion estimate for the total overhaul of the historic building which currently suffers from subsidence.

Twelve companies have expressed an interest in carrying out the work and a House of Lords spokesman said the winner of the contract would be chosen “with a determined focus on value for money for the taxpayer”. Yeah, right, that’ll be a first time! Talk about the taxpayer being shat upon!

‘GOD SAVE THE QUEEN’!

English: Photograph of Andrew Rosindell MP

English: Photograph of Andrew Rosindell MP (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Conservative MP Andrew Rosindell has launched a campaign for the BBC to play the national anthem every day.

His motion says: That this House calls on the British Broadcasting Corporation to restore the British National Anthem on BBC1 at the end of each day’s programming before the switch over to BBC News 24; regrets the decision to play God Save The Queen on BBC1 for the last time on 3 October 1997; and believes that this proud tradition should be reinstated.

I think it’s a bloody good idea. Yes, let the BBC reintroduce the British national anthem…right up to the point the Chinese table a bid to buy the rights to it!

WHEN ‘NO’ MEANS ‘NO’!

Standard 56-card deck

Standard 56-card deck (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many year ago I attempted to sweet talk a young lady into bed. “No,” Jemma said. I respected that, after all, I was, and still am a gentleman. “Then how about playing cards?” Jemma asked me what I had in mind. “I half jokingly mentioned strip poker?” To my utter amazement Jemma said okay. It wasn’t until I was sat at the table naked did the young lady reveal she was a semi-pro! Never judge a book by its cover!

CLONING JOHN LENNON!

John Lennon and Cynthia Powell in 1959

John Lennon and Cynthia Powell in 1959 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dentist Michael Zuk, 51, from Alberta in Canada, who bought Beatle John Lennon’s rotten molar by telephone bid at an auction two years through Omega Auctions in Stockport, Greater Manchester for nearly £20,000, now wants to use it to create a clone (exact genetic replica) of the assassinated musician. Mr Zuk said that the next step would be to extract Lennon’s genetic sequence from the yellowed wisdom tooth.

Provenance? Lennon, who was shot dead in 1980, gave the tooth to his housekeeper Dorothy Jarlett, who between 1964 and 1968 lived in Weybridge, Surrey. She later moved to Canada where she married and had kept it with her ever since. The 90-year-old pensioner provided an affidavit to confirm that the tooth was genuine. It was put up for auction in 2011 by her son Barry.

Although successful cloning has been achieved with sheep, lambs, race horses and favourite pets, no one has as yet cloned a human being…or have they?

Questions must be addressed!

Would it be legal to clone John Lennon outside a government regulated laboratory?

Would the clone have the same human rights that we all enjoy?

Would the clone have any legal rights over John Lennon’s estate/back catalogue?

Would the wishes of Yoko Ono and her son be taken into account in any way?

Even if John Lennon could be exactly recreated, there is no guarantee that the clone would evolve into a musical genius, for it wouldn’t possess Lennon’s memories, but if in the unlikely instance it is musically inclined, will dentist Michael Zuk claim ownership to any new recordings?

Of course there is always the possibility the clone might turn out not to be a replica John Lennon, but a 50 stone  professional Japanese competitive eating champion who will eat Mr Zuk out of house and home. Let’s hope for the latter!

Leading Scientists and palaeontologists are still mulling over the possibility of bringing back DINOSAURS. The preferred method is still harvesting dinosaur DNA from the bodies of amber-preserved mosquitoes that dined on them. Even if it was possible, what would be the point? What would you do with them? We’ve built over all their domains! Would you bring back herbivores, or carnivores? Personally, I’d bring back carnivores and allow the UN to train them to police disputed territories. Rock on…you DINO-SORE-ASS!

FOOT ORGASM SYNDROME!

40+60 Feet, Euw.

40+60 Feet, Euw. (Photo credit: bark)

The first case of foot orgasm syndrome, with a woman reaching spontaneous climax from inside the foot, has been documented by medical science, (the National Centre for Biological Treatment). One ‘Mrs A,’ had an orgasm that originated in her left foot around five to six times a day, each lasting 5-6 seconds. Lucky bitch!

The condition was triggered after she received intensive care treatment on her foot which doctors believed might have CONFUSED nerve messages, with the brain misinterpreting information of stimulation of the foot as originating from the vagina. Apparently there exists a foot-genital RELATIONSHIP. Talk about a toe-curler!

Mrs A also reported that the foot-induced orgasms are often accompanied by “vaginal lubrication and loss of urine.” In other words, she pisses herself with joy! Well, more power to her!