‘GOING UP’…TO GOD’S WAITING ROOM!

English: Picture of the Norwegian Parliament.

English: Picture of the Norwegian Parliament. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Imagination is a wonderful thing, however sometimes it should be curbed in the interests of good taste! Martin McSherry, a student at the Royal Danish School of Architecture, has earned a commendation for his plans to build Norway’s first vertical cemetery, in a country whose graveyards are full. Martin McSherry’s idea of stacking coffins in a high-rise tower was praised as a highly original contribution at the Oslo Conference for Nordic Cemeteries and Graveyards (how utterly f**king catchy). “The vertical cemetery, with its open front, will become a daily reminder of death’s sentence.” McSherry’s words, not mine! No doubt everyone’s route to work would be adjusted to avoid the inter-denominational mausoleum! Apparently each religious group would have a different floor of the building. Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Jediism etcetera, etcetera! Presumably the Catholics might confuse their floor with purgatory? In conclusion, I must say this! Could Martin McSherry been on the sherry when he came up with this ludicrous idea? I’m not surprised I’ve not heard of any successful Scandinavian stand-up comedians!

BISCUIT WARS!

English: Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, made ...

English: Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, made by McKee Foods. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Under the Freedom of Information Act, the UK Government departments ‘biscuit’ budgets have just been released…1899-2011…and it is rather interesting reading! Apparently, lower to middle grade civil servants have consumed over 700 tonnes of Crawford’s biscuits, Garibaldi’s, rich tea, ginger nuts and McVities plain digestives, whereas higher civil servants, with over eight years of service, consumed 500 tonnes of Dundee shortcake biscuits, McVities chocolate biscuits, Fox’s selection box, chocolate Swiss rolls, and Britannia jam biscuits! As yet, figures relating to the Foreign & Commonwealth Office ‘sandwich’ platters have not been released! Interestingly, the compiler of the information, whose rotting remains by the way were recently discovered beneath a locomotive, suggests that…allowing for inflation…the cost of all the biscuits consumed by Government civil servants between 1899-2011 would have paid for two years of fighting World War One, or twenty-months of World War two, or all of the Korean War, or nine out of the ten years we have been occupying Afghanistan! Makes you think, doesn’t it? I can’t imagine what the cost of all those Foreign & Commonwealth Office ‘sandwich’ platters come to? Might their cost have wiped out the national debt?

DRY LAND AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE!

English: Artist's rendering of a Mars Explorat...

English: Artist’s rendering of a Mars Exploration Rover. Français : Vue d’artiste d’un Mars Exploration Rover (litt. « rover d’exploration martienne »). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bearing in mind only one-fifth of planet Urf is dry land, and half of that is desert and mountains, it seems there isn’t that much land for you and I? Then discount the golf courses, cemeteries and land fill sites, and there’s considerably less.!No wonder we’re prepared to fight over every square inch of what’s left. Perhaps it was God’s plan all along to give us just enough land in order to see what we would do with it? Isn’t it embarrassing how we’ve f**ked up? Well, it’s embarrassing to me! ‘Conservation’ has come a little bit too late to make that much of a difference. Let’s hope lessons have been learned. Let’s hope we fair better on Mars!

NOW I’VE HEARD EVERYTHING…CRIME IS LEGIT!

Gucci

Gucci (Photo credit: Pixeltheraphy)

Japan’s biggest CRIME SYNDICATE, the 27,000 strong Yamaguchi-gumi (Yakuza, not Gucci), has produced an in-house tabloid magazine, which features articles on fishing, board games, Jamie Oliver type 15 minute recipes, and a moral-boosting message from the clan’s godfather, 71-year-old Kenichi Shinoda. Google, Amazon, eBay, Apple and Intel are NOT queuing to buy advertising space! Future articles are likely to be entitled, ‘Crime Detection-know your CSI,’  ‘How to Kill Silently,‘What to do with a kidnap victim with a big appetite,’ and ‘How to look after your Samurai sword so you can hand it down to your son.’ Sounds like a magazine we should all subscribe to!

WIFE CAUGHT ON CAMERA HIRING HITMAN TO KILL HUSBAND!

Hitman: Contracts

Hitman: Contracts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Julia Merfeld, 21, from Michigan attempted to pay a hitman to kill her husband as it would be “easier than divorcing him” and she didn’t want  to “break the man’s heart,” no, only STOP it! Julia darling, you’re a f**king HUMANITARIAN!  Unfortunately the disgruntled wife didn’t realise she was talking to an undercover policeman rather than a genuine hitman. OUCH!

In a car she calmly discussed the details of the $50,000 hit, which she intended pay in $9000 INSTALLMENTS. How absolutely brilliant, a layaway plan/hire purchase for arranging to murder someone. I should have thought of that! Seriously though, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs when even a MURDER must be paid for by instalments. Those casino bankers who ruined our economies really do have a lot to answer for!

Thinking she was talking to a real hitman, Julia ‘darling’ Merfeld stated that she didn’t care how her husband was killed, but insisted it ‘shouldn’t be done in the house’ said the HOUSE-PROUD housewife.

Merfeld was arrested upon exiting the car. Police believe she aimed to cash in on a £268,000 life insurance her husband had. She pleaded guilty to ‘solicitation to commit murder’ and will be sentenced shortly. The strangest thing about the whole affair is that Merfeld’s husband has forgiven his wife and doesn’t want her to go to prison! Ladies, that’s a KEEPER!

I AM A MONKEY ON A COMPUTER!

English: SONY VAIO VPCZ119FJ/S

English: SONY VAIO VPCZ119FJ/S (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve spent my life in ‘word’, and now I blog, but don’t make the mistake of thinking I can ‘handle’ a computer just because I can string the odd sentence together. Why there are buttons on my laptop that I’ve never presses and never will! Over the years I’ve been through…4 laptops. The last three machines spontaneously combusted on me…a form of I.T. SUICIDE! So ashamed and disgusted they were at having a monkey on their keyboards, that they’d rather DIE than continue to suffer the humiliation and indignity of being touched by my incompetent fingers! I felt for them, I really did. Currently I must approach my Sony Vaio in disguise so as not to alert it as to my monkey presence!

CAFE OWNER WARNS OF ‘BLACK ALLERGY.’

Ossett Town Hall Square

Ossett Town Hall Square (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Martha-Renee Kolleh, of Ossett (97% white) near Wakefield, West Yorkshire, believing her café business is struggling because of racial tensions, has placed a sign in the window advising customers who are ‘allergic’ to black people not to enter the premises. “Attention! Everyone be aware, I am a black woman, and always will be. If you are allergic to Black people, don’t come in. But if you prefer quality wholesome meals in a pleasant and clean environment, come in. I don’t bite!”

Now I don’t want to be accused of perpetuating a STEREOTYPE, but…when I was a kid, it was believed that YORKSHIRE folk were racist. In fact, if you weren’t white, Christian and from Yorkshire, you were not welcome in the Northern county! I even heard a story about the so-called KNIGHTS of YORKSHIRE, a secretive little group affiliated to the Freemasons and the KKK, who every Christmas eve went on a midnight hunt for Jews, Muslims and Black people using LIVE ammo! No one was ever prosecuted, and none of their quarry were ever found! My own auntie Maude was never seen of again. Mind you, it was no loss, she was never really liked…by anyone!  Once she walked into LIBERTY’S of Regent Street, London, strolled over to the very finest silk curtain material, fingered it, only to tell the shop assistant, “This you call quality, why I’ve given away better to War on Want!” Later on I discovered that the KNIGHTS OF YORKSHIRE changed their modus operandi. From 1983 they affiliated themselves to  a witches coven and spent Christmas eve burning effigies of Jews, Muslims and Negroes. As I say, I don’t want to be accused of perpetuating a stereotype!

I HOPE YOU’VE STERILISED THAT SCALPEL BEFORE YOU CUT ME OPEN?

Various scalpels

Various scalpels (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh dear me, the National Health Service (NHS) is cruising for a bruising yet again! What is it this time? Well, apparently the NHS is failing to properly sterilise some surgical instruments, leading to patients getting unnecessary, deadly infections! So, if you are unable, or unwilling to operate on yourself in the comfort of your own home, I urge you to take your own set of sterilised surgical instruments with you to hospital. “Here doctor, use mine! My fondest wish is to survive the post-operative carefor I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”

A TICKING TIME BOMB!

Nuclear waste flask train between Cark and Car...

Nuclear waste flask train between Cark and Cartmel railway station and Kents Bank railway station. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know the British Government has a stockpile of 100 tonnes of plutonium…the biggest in the world? I didn’t! The Nuclear Decommissioning Authority (NDA) has suggested there are 4 credible options for dealing with the plutonium stored at the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant in Cumbria. 1) Burn it in a ‘fast reactor’, 2) Bury it in a landfill, and don’t tell anyone, 3) Bury the plutonium at sea, and kill off all our fish stocks, 4) Auction it in 5 ton lots on eBay to anyone interested in acquiring weapons-grade plutonium. If you can’t easily dispose of a substance that can kill off the entire human race…don’t f**king create it in the first place! ‘Oh but we need nuclear power’, I hear you say. No, we are told we need nuclear power! ‘Oh but it’s safe!’ Really? What about Windscale, Cumbria, 1957, (renamed Sellafield), Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania, 1979, Chernobyl Ukraine, 1986, Fukushima, Japan, 2011? We don’t need terrorists to f**k us up. We do very nicely on our own!

POLICING ON THE CHEAP!

A typical London Taxi.

A typical London Taxi. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

London taxi drivers are being urged to report crimes they spot while driving through the streets of London. The Taxi Watch initiative aims to persuade drivers to pass on information to Crimestoppers anonymously. What an excellent idea…certainly cheaper than putting bobbies on the beat!

COMMUNIST GOOSE-STEPPERS! (Updated)

English: A North-Korean-built M-1978 KOKSAN di...

English: A North-Korean-built M-1978 KOKSAN displayed at the Al Anbar University campus in Ramadi, Iraq is to be removed by U.S. Forces. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please don’t be TOO judgemental, but I’ve nursed a secret desire for ages, and it is this! I want to make love to a north Korean female soldier. Have you seen them GOOSE-STEP! They march across the parade ground at a rate of knots that make Nazi goose-steppers appear positively arthritic. North Korean women must have thighs like marble! Can you imagine supermarket shopping with one of them? You’d never keep up! Okay, so they’re considered ‘AGENTS OF EVIL’, but I wouldn’t object to a bit of evil around by loins. Does that make me sick?

Meanwhile, after a five-year battle, 3 female RAF recruits have been awarded £100,000 compensation each by the Ministry of Defence… because they were made to march in step with their male colleagues, (30 inch stride instead of 27 inch stride). Parading alongside taller male recruits while undergoing basic training at RAF Halton in Buckinghamshire, caused the female recruits to over-stride, a repetitive motion which, when repeated over several weeks, led them to develop spinal and pelvic injuries.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete…ONLINE VOTING!

English: A photo of John Bercow, Speaker of th...

English: A photo of John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons of the United Kingdom (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A radical plan to allow Britons to vote in Parliamentary elections from 2020 using the internet is to be drawn up by the Commons Speaker, John Bercow, as part of a drive to bridge the divide between politicians and the public. What a fantastic…if not obvious idea, although how it is expected to bridge the divide between politicians and the public I do not know, after all, public respect for politicians is at an all time low? Voting online will certainly boost the number of eligible voters who actually bother to register their preferences. Voting online will also offer hackers the opportunity to bugger it up, if not, alter the results. If hackers can get around sophisticated firewalls and into defence department computers, it should be relatively easy to crack a computer system dedicated to a national election. Online voting would also offer a sitting government the opportunity to fix an election too. “2070, the Conservatives celebrate 50 ‘unbroken’ years in office…now if that isn’t a vote of public confidence, what is?”  Online voting…I think it is a question of ‘suck it and see’!

SYRIAN REBELS TO GIVE BACK GUNS AFTER WAR!

Map of the districts of Syria.

Map of the districts of Syria. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone in the British government is on drugs…that or he is still in school uniform!

Without losing sight of the tens of thousands of men, women and children that have already been slaughtered in Homs, Aleppo and the various other centres that the Assad regime is trying to re-control, just after MPs voted overwhelmingly in favour of a motion demanding that the Commons be given a vote BEFORE any arms are shipped to Syria, a GB government spokesperson has stated that we ‘shouldn’t worry’ that weapons delivered to the Syrian rebels would fall into the hands of extremists, as the Opposition movement has PROMISED to give any guns back after the civil war is over. Sure, just like they did in Libya! There, millions of rounds of ammo went missing, along with guns, and, oh…20,000 surface-to-air hand-held missiles. In Libya, it wasn’t so much as an arms fair, more of an arms smash & grab! Why will it be any different in Syria?

In truth, it would be nigh on impossible to track and trace weapons to stop them falling into the hands of extremists on the rebel side, despite Foreign Office minister Alistair Burt’s reassurance to MPs that the British government was not getting into bed with the extremist Islamist element within the anti-Assad forces. That’s easy for him to say…it’s not the British government that’s making the bed! “The Syrian National Coalition declared its commitment to democracy, ethnic and religious pluralism, and the rule of law, and it rejected discrimination and extremism.” Only time will tell!

By the way, a new front is opening in the Syrian civil war, which looks set to pitch rebel against revel, as confrontations between Western-backed groups (Free Syrian Army) and Islamic fundamentalist fighters ( allied with al-Qaeda) threaten to spiral out of control. So who actually will the West be arming?

*Thanks to pressure by Russian President Vladimir Putin, British Prime Minister David Cameron has since ditched plans to arm Syrian rebels. What a surprise…not! But what kind of pressure? “David dear boy, winter is approaching. You arms the Syrian rebels, and I’ll cut off Britain’s domestic gas supply!” Thanks Vlad!

AH, GREECE, THAT OLD CHESTNUT!

English: Various Euro bills.

English: Various Euro bills. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Greece will never pay back the hundreds of billions of euros it has received from the EU…or US! The money was written off as soon as the Grecians got their hands on it. The Greek government CHEATED its way in to the European Union by submitting a false set of books, accounts that were NEVER checked, thanks to bankers Goldman Sachs seal of approval. Tax avoidance is in the Greek gene. They are quite content to continue to be financially supported by the rest of the EU community, even if it is to our detriment. It is quite possible that the Greek people feel they are OWED this support by the very fact that Greece gave us DEMOCRACY, the very thing Grecians are happy to exploit. If this is so, what irony? Some people insist on living for free!

P.S. Surely they must have realised that as soon as they dumped the Greek Drachma in favour of the Euro, tourists would all bugger of to Turkey?

DO YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR FASHION?

Gary Lineker

Gary Lineker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A dress worn by Diana, Princess of Wales will go on sale next week and is expected to fetch up to £80,000. Designed by the Emanuels, the dress will go on sale at the Passion for Fashion auction on December the 3rd in London. Another iconic fashion item expected to fetch a small fortune at the same auction are the football shorts ‘Golden Boots’ Gary Lineker, TV presenter and former striker shat himself in while playing for England against Ireland in the 1990 World Cup. Huh…shit happens, but not always in front of millions of people! That’s one ‘collectible’ I won’t be bidding for!