CHOCOHOLICS UNITE!

A chocolate bar and melted chocolate. Chocolat...

A chocolate bar and melted chocolate. Chocolate is made from the cocoa bean, which is a natural source of theobromine. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Unlike some of you, I don’t pay chocolate just LIP service. Oh no, my homage goes far deeper. To me chocolate is a religion, and as such I will eat it morning, noon and night, before, during and after a meal. Why I even have a shrine to the cocoa bean in the corner of my spare bedroom. Huh, and you say you’re a chocoholic! Why I’ve even been known to incorporate it IN the meal itself. Why I was pouring chocolate over my venison long before it came back into fashion to do so, but unlike you amateur gastronomes, I didn’t incorporate chocolate in the jus (gravy)…chocolate WAS the bloody jus…melted in a bowl and poured straight over the meat. Try melted chocolate and cherries over duck. Ooh I say vicar!

I once split up with a girlfriend when I discovered that she didn’t like chocolate. ‘You can’t be serious,’ I hear you say, oh but I am! I couldn’t possibly date someone who was more savoury than sweet! Relationships are all about balance, don’t you think? I split up with another girlfriend because she ate too MUCH of MY chocolate. Why only last week I bought two boxes of Lindt ‘Lindor Truffles’, one milk chocolate and one plain. Now I’m not completely insane…obviously devouring chocolate doesn’t offer quite the same exalted experience as say making love to a beautiful woman, but I tell you what, it’s better than masturbation! And do you know what the best news is…my cholesterol level is below normal and I don’t suffer from diabetes. Life is sweet, chocolate sweet! Now come on, envy doesn’t become you!

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, THE DOMESTIC KIND!

Regions of the brain affected by PTSD and stress.

Regions of the brain affected by PTSD and stress. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friend Jack was so traumatized having witnessed the birth of his first child that he was unable to work for seven years. Successfully claiming to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he received Incapacity Benefit, a 70% rates reduction, free travel and anything else he could get his workshy hands on. Now that the DHSS are threatening to strip Jack of all benefits, the only thing my friend can think of to do, is to persuade his wife to have another baby. ‘David,’ he said. ‘God forbid I have to go out to work!’ I quite agree.

OIL…RUNNING OUT…DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT!

Nodding donkey pumping an oil well near Sarnia...

Nodding donkey pumping an oil well near Sarnia, Ontario (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t listen to all the PR hype about oil running out. It is designed to frighten you into believing that you have no choice but to pay the ridiculous high prices at the fuel pump for which the Treasury takes a hefty 80% in duty, without which the British economy would INSTANTLY grind to a halt.

Oil, running out? Oh contraire my friends. There is a glut of  crude heavy & light oil, and I’m not talking about black gold from The Middle East. New oil fields are being discovered further afield and on a regular basis.

Examples of new oil fields with a billion barrels plus:

Brazil, Venezuela, Kazakhstan, Azerbaijan, Turkmenistan, Nigeria, South Sudan, Columbia, Equatorial Guinea, The Falklands, Antarctica (approx. 90 billion barrels of oil & 1,678 trillion cubic feet of gas). The USA are supposed to have one hundred years worth of oil reserves under the Alaskan ice, but why are they so slow to bring it up?

When was the last time you heard or read anything about Algeria? I surmise there is a press blackout imposed. Why, because the country is so rich in Natural Gas and oil, no one involved wants to rock the boat. Algerian oil reserves= 19 BILLION barrels. Natural Gas product= 78 billion cubic metres. Just three oil companies with a foothold in Algeria are BP, Spain’s Repsol and Norway’s Statoil, but there are many, many more. Dow Chemicals, GE (General Electric) and Halliburton have a footprint there too. It is bonanza time in Algeria. Christ, there is even a joint US/Algerian Business Council!

Furthermore, with new technology oil companies are able to return to abandoned wells where oil was thought to be too far down or too difficult to extract, and now extract every last drop.

Ah yes, but what about increased use of oil by emerging countries, e.g. India and China? (Strictly speaking China has already emerged). As China makes everything for the West, so there consumption of oil will increase dramatically. Not necessarily so. Currently, with declining Western economies, China is closing factories left, right and centre. She is also swapping arms for oil in Kartoom (Sudan).

Reliant upon computerised ‘engine management systems’, fuel-efficient vehicles have approximately 20% less moving parts to vehicles thirty years ago, thus fewer parts require lubrication (oil).

Oil producers follow the same business practice as DeBeers. Have you ever asked yourself why diamonds are so damn pricey, after all, they are not particularly rare, nor is there a gem shortage. Indeed, along the Ivory Coast you can still occasionally pick up rough diamonds between your toes. Diamonds retain there price because the world’s supply is being hoarded, as with oil. My guesstimate is, at current production levels and new finds, we have enough crude oil for…for…forever.

Back to the price of a barrel of oil, currently $100. Of course one must take into account such things as the cost of research & development, and cost of drilling and transportation, but speculation and greed play an vital part in ramping up the price of oil to you and I.

Oil…running out…don’t you believe it! There is more likely to be a shortage of good, clean drinking water long before there is a shortage of oil.

WOULD YOU PAY £100,000 FOR THE WORLDS LARGEST TELEVISION?

Televisión

Televisión (Photo credit: Orban López Cruz)

I hear the South Korean giant Samsung have just come out with the world’s largest television set…102 inches wide and 70 inches tall…measuring 110 from corner to corner and is four times sharper than a high-definition TV. Price tag…£100,000! Ten orders have already been received from the Middle East…that is to say from individuals who haven’t done an honest days work in their lives!

I expect orders will come in thick and fast from British MPs. It’s marvellous what you can put down on expenses these days, isn’t it? No doubt anyone in Britain suffering from glaucoma will get the world’s largest television set for free too! I can’t afford to pay £100,000 for a TV, so I must wait until Samsung’s monstrosity appears on PriceDrop TV channel! Sour grapes? Not a bit of it! I wouldn’t have one if you gave it to me for free! Screen time…television, computer, tablet, smart phone…dulls the human brain!

 

 

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER!

Michael Schumacher, German racing driver

Michael Schumacher, German racing driver (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Michael Schumacher fell while skiing ‘off-piste’ while travelling at up to 62mph’ in French Alpine resort of Méribel. The impact was so strong it smashed ex-racing driver’s helmet ‘in two’ causing him to suffer a brain haemorrhage. Mr Schumacher remains in critical condition.

The ex-racing legend is not the first experienced skier to suffer traumatic head injuries. Others have died on the slopes! Interestingly, had the gentleman been wearing an FI helmet at the time of the accident he may well have suffered little more than a mild headache. This begs the question, why do ski helmets not offer the same protection as an FI helmet? It is about time someone developed one that does! The support between the outer skin and the inner skin would absorb most of the impact. The cost is irrelevant. If a new style ski helmet can be proved to save lives, all skiers would invest in one.

THE BIG ‘WIND FARM’ CON CONTINUES!

English: The , also known as the Green Mountai...

English: The , also known as the Green Mountain Energy Wind Farm, near . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you or I are unlucky enough to get caught perpetrating a fraud, the chances are we will see the inside of a prison cell, but what happens when our Government perpetrates a fraud using taxpayers money, and a whole lot of it? Well, nothing happens!

The wind farm programme started under the Labour Government and continued under the present coalition Government has so far cost the taxpayer between six and ten billion pounds. You would think that during the recent gusty weather all the wind turbines would have been operating at full capacity, wouldn’t you? Not so! Many turbines were in fact shut down. Explain to me if you will the logic behind the Government paying wind farm operators more to shut turbines down than to keep them operational? In the past two weeks wind farms were paid £4.8million to switch off their turbines. It certainly can’t be because of an excess of stored energy, because wind turbines hardly produce anything! And the key word here is ‘WIND’. Why shut them down when it is windy? If it is because the blades break, as has been known? Apparently this is not the case! We are to believe the National Grid cannot cope with the extra energy produced during high winds. Unlike gas, which can be compressed, electricity cannot be, and therefore there is nowhere to store it. Meanwhile, we in Britain can expect further blustery weather over the next few weeks, the kind of weather you would think would be ideal for turbines? I said from the outset wind farms were a great big fraud perpetrated on the public by wind farm lobbyists cozying up to Government ministers.

These so-called  ‘constraint payments’ are given to operators not to produce electricity when supply outstrips demand, yet in certain areas supply only outstrips demand because tens of thousands of householders up and down Britain have been cut off due to bad weather. Like any wholesaler, if you are forced to keep stock…in this case, energy…normally you would be forced to lower your unit price, which is exactly what energy companies have no intention of doing.

Experts from the Renewable Energy Foundation calculated that, if the wind farms had been operating normally, the companies would have been paid approximately £6million. But because they were ordered to shut down, they received about £7.8million. This includes their £4.8million ‘compensation’, plus about £3million as an agreed electricity wholesale price. Under the complicated rules, they receive both payments even though no electricity has been supplied. This kind of reverse logic is no different to the EEC/EU paying farmers billions of pounds over several decades to leave fields fallow, fields upon which crops could have been grown and sold to Third World countries that suffered food shortages. Then again, the price wouldn’t have been right, right?

What Britain needs is another REVOLUTION!

ORGAN DONING IS THE RIGHT WAY TO GO.

English: Elizabeth Garrett Anderson

English: Elizabeth Garrett Anderson (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t leave it too late, I haven’t! I intend giving away all my vital organs, plus my eyes and colon, which is in frightfully good nick. I’m happy for my parts to be used in furthering medical science or perhaps in vital operations in order to extend some poor sod’s life. If the choice be mine I would want my kidneys to go to a gastronome, my liver to an alcoholic, my lungs to a heavy smoker, my eyes to a beggar, my lips to a chocoholic, my ears to a deafy, my feet to a lazybones and my thumbs to a hitch-hiker.

However, my most precious muscle, my action-packed penis has been bequeathed to The Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Hospital for Women. Demure ladies should know what a real man’s phallus looks like, don’t you think?

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCT…’MASTURBATION!’

The Curse of Saddam Hussein

The Curse of Saddam Hussein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Former MI6 chief, Sir Richard DEARLOVE (surely a name for a vicar, not a spy) has threatened to lift the lid on events surrounding the so-called ‘dodgy dossier’ which claimed that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of MASTURBATION which could be deployed in 45 minutes, in the run up to the Iraq war ten years ago!

First of all, I very much doubt those WMTs could have been fired in 45 minutes. When I go away on holiday to a hot country, with or without company, the intense heat always prevented me DEPLOYING my weapon of masturbation in under 45 minutes. No, no, if there were any WMTs, they probably suffered PENILE DYSFUNCTION! 

WHAT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS DID YOU RECEIVE?

English: iPad 2 with Smart Cover running iMovie.

English: iPad 2 with Smart Cover running iMovie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My ‘loaded’ sister Judy was stuck in the countryside for Christmas. Anyway, she phoned me to tell me she had bought my an iPad for Christmas. “An eye pad,” I said. “But Judy, I don’t have conjunctivitis…why would I wear a pad over my eye?”

“Idiot David! You know I meant…tablet!”

“But I don’t need one of those either. Judy it’s dangerous to use other people’s medication!”

“David,” she said, “are you going to be serious, or what?”

“Okay, okay…thank you. I’m sure the iPad will come in jolly handy, especially when uploading pictures of unwanted Xmas presents onto eBay.”

“That’s better bro…I think?”

“By the way,” I said. “Has my present got the ‘speech recognition’ app installed in it yet?”

“Err, no David, I don’t think so.”

“Well make sure you download and install it before handing it over!”

“Bloody hell,” Judy replied. “You’ve got a bloody cheek!”

“Fairs fair Judy, you knew what I was like before you brought me the present! Anyway, I look forward to receiving it and enjoying it!”

“Err David, have you ever read Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People?”

“How to Wing Friends and Infect People…certainly sis. Sadly it didn’t work!”

“Hey, bro…I’m not surprised you’re still single.”

“Me neither sis!”

BUY MY DVD AND YOU TOO CAN LOSE WEIGHT!

For her birthday, I took my sister to watch my...

For her birthday, I took my sister to watch my personal trainer compete in the bodybuilding and fitness competition. Sylvia is number 18. (304949107) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course it would help if you had a personal trainer by your side! Former Geordie Shore actress Vicky Pattison claims to have lost an amazing three stone in weight in just five months…going from a size 16 to a svelte size 6…by using a system of exercise which involves doing just 10 minutes of intense exercise a day – 7 days a week, and no doubt incorporating a new diet too, because she’s gone from flab to fab, genuinely! Despite Vicky’s fitness DVD only having been on sale for three days, it’s shot to number one, knocking Davina McCall’s DVD Fit In 15 from the top spot!

I don’t believe it! I think Vicky Pattison was always a svelte size 6. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the young lady wore a fat body suit for the last five years…similar to the one I wear! My preferred method of losing weight is lifting chocolate eclairs above my head. The practice can be dangerous, and is thus not for everyone!

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DO I OFFEND YOU?

West Bromwich Albion crest

West Bromwich Albion crest (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Footballer Nicolas Anelka is facing a police investigation after he celebrated a goal with a ‘reverse Nazi salute’. The European Jewish Congress called for him to receive the same punishment that would be handed down for a Nazi salute, while a senior French politician said the gesture was ‘clearly anti-Semitic’. Meanwhile, the 34-year-old West Bromwich Albion striker claimed he performed the gesture as a ‘special dedication’ for his comedian friend Dieudonne M’bala M’bala, who invented it, and who has been fined several times for defaming Jews. May I offer a word of advice? Grow a thicker skin and don’t be so easily offended. By rising to the bait you could be showing emotional immaturity!

Due in part to mass immigration, the ethnic groups that now make up Western civilisation are many and diverse, and each group has their own unique customs and traditions, and apparently we are all easily offended. You can’t show someone the soles of your feet, or turn your back on someone else. It strikes me you can’t even take your hand out of your pocket these days without seeming to offend someone. Why the most innocuous gesture may be deemed offensive!  You know of course we’re doing exactly what all our governments want us to do…squabble amongst ourselves, leaving our elected officials to screw us ‘right & royally’ at every turn!  Perhaps we should all return to our lands of origin? Do please get over yourselves!

ANYONE FOR COFFEE?

English: A photo of a cup of coffee. Esperanto...

English: A photo of a cup of coffee. Esperanto: Taso de kafo. Français : Photo d’une tasse de caffé Español: Taza de café (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Industrial designer Dean Verhoeven, 53, from North Carolina, has come up with the Temperfect Mug, which is supposed to keep your coffee at a constant temperature of 55°C for up to three hours. Mr Verhoeven has already raised £112,000 towards the manufacturing process on crowdfunding website Kickstarter. If the Temperfect Mug ever finds a market, it is expected to go on sale for around £20. Writing as a true coffee aficionado, I for one do not need my coffee to last for up to three hours, however, I can see an alternative use for his warming device. I currently have the hots for my doctor, and I am sure the lady would appreciate me delivering my next urine sample to her at room temperature or above. Here’s hoping Mr Verhoeven raises the rest of his seed capital!

 

WHEN COMPUTERS BECOME ‘SENTIENT’ LIFEFORMS!

Genus–differentia definition

Genus–differentia definition (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Surely it is only a matter of time before computers become sentient life-forms, and are recognised as such! Once a user develops a ‘relationship’ with his or her machine, again, it will only be a matter of time before some bright spark determines that sentient machines are entitled to ‘rights’. It is therefore not too much of a stretch of the imagination to envisage legally recognised co-dependency contracts being issued. I will however draw the line at attending a legally binding marriage ceremony between a user and his or her laptop or tablet!

ALL THIS ‘OPTING OUT’ & ‘OPTING IN’ IS MAKING ME CONFUSED!

Food Pornography Poster

Food Pornography Poster (Photo credit: exoskeletoncabaret)

If you DON’T want you vital organs to be used after you’re DEAD, in the UK you must now officially OPT OUT, but if you WANT to receive online porn, you must now officially OPT IN, otherwise your access will be blocked! And if you do opt in to receive porn, ‘BIG BROTHER’ will no doubt keep a list of all possible ‘degenerates!’ It follows that God forbid a young woman is sexually assaulted within say one mile of your home, you will no doubt be INTERVIEWED by the police as a ‘suspect deviant’, despite the fact that you might not have so much as a parking ticket against your name! Let us not forget, it is not just men who view online porn. If Big Brother extends the practice of ‘opting in’ to other online activities, pretty soon all you will be able to view without opting in, are online recipes! DEMOCRACY is slowly being flushed down the toilet!

Of the 650 sitting MPs in the UK Parliament, I very much doubt the 649 who regularly view online porn will take kindly to having to ‘opt in’. I wondered why they all RUSHED to get FREE tablets. I no longer wonder!

ADOLPH HITLER ‘ATE’ HERE!

English: Adolf Hitler as a soldier during the ...

English: Adolf Hitler as a soldier during the First World War (1914 – 1918) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HENRY MULYANA, an ignorant Indonesian restaurant owner must explain to the authorities why he opened a controversial NAZI-THEMED café in Bandung, west Java! ‘SOLDATENKAFFEE’ is decorated with Nazi-related memorabilia, including a large flag bearing a swastika and a picture of Adolph Hitler. I hear the staff even wear SS UNIFORMS! Apparently HITLER bars and restaurants can be found throughout ASIA.

Talk about IGNORANT people! Revering a man and an organisation who had they been given the chance, would most certainly have enslaved Asian people, if not put entire Asian populations to death. How can I be so sure? As far as Adolph Hitler and his co-conspirators were concerned, if you weren’t white, Christian, and of NORDIC descent you were the equivalent of the Indian ‘untouchables’, or DALITS!