‘MURDER’ AT NUMBER 20!

murder

The other day a had a knock at the door. I hoped it wasn’t that f**king woodpecker again! It turned out to be a police officer. “Good morning sir. I don’t know whether you’re aware of it, but there was an unexplained death two night ago at number 20.” I had heard of the murder. “Officers from the murder squad are canvassing the neighbourhood for witnesses. Have you any information that might help the police in their enquiries?” I replied I had not. “I understand you and Mr Cummings were not friendly terms.” I confirmed that Cummings and loathed one another. “From what I understand, the two of you were in dispute over a car parking space.” That was true. “For the purposes of eliminated you from our enquiries, would you mind accounting for your movements on the 12th…from 9pm until midnight?” I saw no reason not to. “My movements you say? Well, I ate late. I started with an avocado prawn cocktail. This was swiftly followed by steak and chips…oh Bearnaise sauce was involved. And pudding was crumble…apple crumble to be precise…and cream!” The officer looked at me strangely. “Why are you telling me this?” I replied, “Well you asked me to account for my movements on the evening of the 12th. I can confirm I had a very solid movement at about 1am, which I hope will confirm my colon is fully functional!” Then I got a dirty look policemen reserve for civilians. “Not your bowel movement, but your general movements! For instance, did you leave your house for any reason between the hours stated?” I replied, “Only to murder that c**t Cummings by electrocuting him in his bath! So, have I been eliminated from your enquiries?” The officer replied, “Since your neighbour was shot through the head, I would have to say…yes.” Officer Plod turned on his heels. “Keep taking the pills,” he mumbled!  I wouldn’t let it go. “Can I offer you a freshly brewed cup of Hemlock?” I said. I think he marked my card?

HAVE YOU HAD A CATARACT REMOVED?

Cataract Stock Photo - 22343570Yesterday I popped along to my local private hospital to see consultant ophthalmic surgeon Alan Costa in order to get my right eye checked out. He confirmed I had a cataract. “You’re very young to have a cataract,” he said. I replied, “It’s probably caused by me peering through too many key holes!” When I asked how much it would cost for him to remove the cataract, Mr Costa replied, “You’re lucky, the price has just come down!” I told him, “Great, I’m always on the look out for a bargain!” So, to the price! “David,” he said. “I’ll do it for £2,400…plus incidentals!” Well folks, I nearly shat myself!  “Costa,” I said. I used to know a Richard Costa…are you related?” The specialist replied, “I doubt it, you see actual family name is Costa…Packet!” Why was I not surprised? I appreciate the hospital receives a good chunk of the £2,400…plus incidentals, but still, it’s more than I can afford! I’ll have to wait until the cataract gets worse, re-apply to the NHS, and get it done for free! Meanwhile, like Cyclops, I’m looking through only one good eye!

BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY MUST LIVE WITHIN THEIR MEANS!

live within your means

Apparently the Queen of Angleterre, aka Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Bowes-Lyon/Windsor is putting her hand out again! The backlog of repairs to Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and to other royal residencies is so great it will cost at least £50million to restore the buildings to their former glory. (The Royal Estate comprises 360 buildings including Windsor Castle, Clarence House, St James Palace and parts of Kensington Palace, and it served by 430 staff). Members of the Commons public accounts committee want royal courtiers to get a ‘firmer grip’ on their finances to stop taxpayers footing the whole bill. Commons watchdogs insist the royals need more money-spinning ventures to stop their palaces crumbling after years of complacency. It has even been suggested the Queen should open up Buckingham Palace for longer than two months of the year and rent it out for commercial events. Like a sex toy EXPO for example? Oh how humiliating!

 

lifestyle out of stock

According to MPs, the Royal Household has fallen short by spending more than it took in. Net expenditure of  £33.3million in 2012-2013 was 7% higher than its income of £31million.That resulted in the palace taking out £2.3million from its reserves…leaving the Queen with just £1million in the bank. That’s in cash, but what about paintings, Persian carpets and jewellery? Your Majesty, sell a painting for God sake! Some of them must come with provenances?

 

The grant is taken from the Crown Estate, an £8billion portfolio of agricultural land, buildings, property and wind farm profits. But in a historic new deal commencing this year…for the first time in 200 years…the Queen entitled to keep 15% of the profits with the rest going to the Treasury. Respectfully, your Majesty, why not get a loan against all future profits from your 15% cut from the Crown estate profits? Perhaps if you were not so quick to authorise rock concerts on the roof of your London Palace, it wouldn’t be crumbling so!

act your wage

*Buckingham Palace was built by John Sheffield, 1st Duke of Buckingham and Normanby in 1705.Coincidently one of his descendants is Samantha Cameron nee Sheffield, the wife of the present Prime Minister, David Cameron.

 

 

 

 

 

BODY IMAGE AND SELF-LOATHING!

Celebrities

Celebrities (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Millions of people of both sexes and of all ages are caught up in this trend of mimicking celebrity bodies. Oh how slim, toned and sexy your favourite celebrities appear, but self-denial makes for an unhappy celeb. Holed up in a mansion, unable to eat normally for the camera sees all, is it any wonder that your hero or heroine turn to drink and drugs? They are unhappy people! Why do you want to be unhappy too? Personally, I don’t suffer that problem of wishing to look like a favourite celeb. When I stare at my naked reflection in my mirror I see a muscular Greek God. That MAGIC mirror cost be nearly twenty thousand pounds! So its off to the pub for me, where I expect to gorge on double pie & chips and eleven pints of lager. Yes siree, invest in a little bit of magic and your life can be so, so sweet! But seriously, it is unhealthy to wish you looked like someone else. Best to be kind to yourself. Move on, accept yourself for who you are. Experts in the field of nutrition indicate that moderation is the key to maintaining a balanced lifestyle. I disagree! A lifetime of moderation is dead boring. You can occasionally let yourself go as long as you realise you will one day pay for an excess. Now we naturally move on to the question I often ask myself. What is the purpose of LIFE? I like to think that the purpose of life is to along the way accumulate as many pleasant memories as possible to take with you on your journey to the other side, if indeed there is another side, but hell, what do I know? The truth is, I haven’t figured life out yet, and I don’t suppose I ever will. I’ve spent the last twenty-five years sitting at first a typewriter, then a word processor and finally a computer writing what I believe to be wonderful novels that no one else wants to read. I’m going to sign off now. I feel I’m blathering on too long. Goodnight and God bless!

COULD THE ‘BLACK DEATH’ STRIKE AGAIN?

Here we go again, another frightening scenario! Dave Wagner, professor in the Centre for Microbial Genetics and Genomics at Northern Arizona University warned that a strain of the Black Death (100 million dead) could return in the future! Professor Wagner and his colleagues have linked the Black Death, which killed 50million Europeans in the 1300s, and The Plague of Justinian, which struck 800 years earlier. A third pandemic, which spread from Hong Kong across the globe is also likely a descendant of the Black Death strain and thus much more successful than the one responsible for the Justinian Plague.

 

 

 

plague bacteria

Tiny samples of the plague bacteria were taken from skeletons belonging to two victims of the Justinian plague who were buried in Bavaria, Germany. Fragments of DNA were found in their 1,500-year-old teeth and used to recreate the bacteria’s whole genetic code. ‘Fortunately we now have antibiotics that could be used to effectively treat plague, which lessens the chances of another large-scale human pandemic.’ Well thank you professor Wagner! So, the future’s bright after all…the future is robotic! We all might die out, but the machines will carry on regardless!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH MONEY SEIZED FROM CRIMINALS?

pound sign

Greece intends using £14.6million seized from criminal activity to invest in health and education. What a damn good idea! The sum will be set aside in a new bank account and will be spent on things like; training for the blind, accommodation for financially disadvantaged college students and surgery for unemployed people who have no insurance cover. Finally, some positive news from Greece! But what about the hundreds of millions confiscated in cash and fixed assets each year from Britain’s criminal fraternity…what happens to that? Does all, or part of it get fed back into local British communities? I fear not! The vast sums involved should be set aside…ring-fenced…and be drip fed back into society where it would do some good! How about using some of it to reopen the many youth clubs that have been forced to close through lack of local authority funding? I’m sure you’ve all got your own ideas, and I’m sure they are all sound!

IS PILLOW TALK IMPORTANT?

Sex logo Royalty Free Stock PhotographyAre you comfortable revealing your true feelings once you have made love? Is pillow talk essential for an enduring relationship? Is a critique of your love-making technique a valuable addition to pillow talk?

Amanda Denes, the Assistant Professor in the Department of Communication at the University of Connecticut believes pillow talk is an undervalued ingredient in a satisfying and enduring relationship and is linked to the production of the ‘trust hormone’ called oxytocin, which is released after orgasm. She found that women who orgasmed disclosed more intimate feelings to their partner after sex than women who did not orgasm, which increased the emotional bond between couples. The problem is, many women don’t experience vaginal orgasms when making love, but do enjoy clitoral orgasms when masturbating! That aside, does the sharing of innermost feelings after love-making bring a couple closer? I suspect it does, however I certainly wouldn’t wake my partner up in order to find out! Sometimes it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH’S ‘REAL’ SLAVERY ANCESTRY!

benedict cumberbatch

Another case of Art imitating life! British actor Benedict Cumberbatch plays a slave owner in the Oscar-nominated ’12 Years a Slave’. Across the pond, Stacey Cumberbatch, chief of administrative services to the newly elected New York city’s mayor, revealed an unlikely family link. She claims that her ancestors were owned by Cumberbatch’s family way back in the 18th century on a sugar plantation on Barbados. The ‘hot’ actor has previously told how his great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Abraham Cumberbatch, built the family fortune with a plantation on the Caribbean island. Apparently it was common for slaves to take the name of their masters. The actor has previously revealed that his mother…fine actress in her own right…Wanda Veltham, had warned him against using the family name professionally because it might prompt descendants of the family’s slaves to seek compensation. In the meanwhile fourteen Caribbean countries are suing Britain, France and the Netherlands for billions of pounds in reparations for slavery. The truth of the matter? I would put Sherlock Holmes on the case…oh, that’s Benedict Cumberbatch!

 

URF’S MAGNETIC FIELD IS COLLAPSING!

earth;s magnetic field

Deep within the Urf, a fierce molten core…a hostile world with crushing forces and immense temperatures…is generating a magnetic field capable of defending our planet against devastating solar winds. The protective field extends thousands of miles into space and its magnetism affects everything from global communication to animal migration and weather patterns. But this magnetic field, so important to life on Urf, and in a permanent state of flux has weakened by 15 per cent over the last 200 years. And this, scientists claim, could be a sign that the Urf’s poles are about to flip. If a switch happens, we would be exposed to solar winds capable of punching holes into the ozone layer. The impact could be devastating for mankind, knocking out power grids, radically changing Urf’s climate and driving up rates of cancer. Radiation at ground level would also increase, with some estimates suggesting overall exposure to cosmic radiation would double, causing more deaths from cancer. Christ, if that hasn’t put me off my eggy soldiers, nothing will!

 

No f**king problem matey! I have sol-ved the problem! Send in double-Oscar winning actress Hilary Swankagain! She fixed the same problem in the movie ‘The Core’, so I see no unearthly reason why she shouldn’t do it again! Okay, so she’d probably want a lot more money since winning two Oscars, but I’m sure the Urf can afford her! I wonder if Ms Swank kept her pilots licence up? You know what folks, it seems like every bloody week scientists try to frighten us! If it’s not one imminent catastrophic event giving me indigestion, it’s another one! Planet Urf is unlikely to last forever, so why bother patching her up? As long as Urf lasts another 400 years that’s all that matters. After that they’ll probably be no one left alive down here anyway! So if any of you have plans to breed, do it sooner rather than later! Yes, yes, I know…I’m a heathen!

 

RANSOM DEMANDS!

ransom note

The UN Security Council has approved a British-circulated resolution calling on all countries not to pay ransom money to kidnappers who use it to finance terrorist groups. In the last three years, al-Qaeda affiliates and others have collected at least $105million in ransom payments. There is of course one country excluded from the resolution…France…historically a nation of colludersthat always has and always will pay off kidnappers!

 

I AM PROUD TO CALL MYSELF AN ‘IN-HUMAN’ RIGHTS CAMPAIGNER!

English: One of the symbols of German Women's ...

English: One of the symbols of German Women’s movement (from the 1970s) Deutsch: Ein Logo der deutschen Frauenbewegung (aus den 70er Jahren) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, that’s right, I AM an IN-HUMAN rights campaigner. Pillory me if you must, vilify me, demonize me even, but I’m quite sick to death of hearing about women’s rights, rights for children, the disabled, gay men and gay women. What about the rights of zombies to roam where they wish to and eat whosoever they want to, eh? What of the rights of soul-stealing demons? Isn’t POSSESSION considered nine-tenths of the law? What about the rights of phantoms and poltergeists to scare the living chap out of you and your love ones? I mean it’s no fun roaming the Earth as dead flesh or a spirit if you can’t practice what comes naturally…to…hey, what was that noise…MUMMY! Mummies too! You try spending eternity all bandaged up and with nowhere to go?

GEORGE CLOONEY…REAL-LIFE SPY!

English: Actor George Clooney - 66th Venice In...

English: Actor George Clooney – 66th Venice International Film Festival. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

GEORGE CLOONEY…actor, director, producer, writer, man-about-town, heart-throb, political activist, break dancer, painter, fisherman, handyman, chef, great lover, scuba-diver, world champion scrabble master, has revealed at a Venice Film Festival press conference further details about the SPY SATELLITE over SUDAN which he helps fund in order to keep an eye on the actions of Sudanese dick…DICTATOR Omar al-Bashir, affectionately known as Omar al-BASHEM-UP, who has been accused of war crimes. The satellite, Christened ‘CLOONEY-VIEW 1’ has recently been upgraded to ‘infrared’ so that acts of violence can be seen at times of poor visibility.

Now that’s a lovely photo!

HAVE YOU TRIED THE WEREWOLF DIET?

werewolf

Oh no, not another celebrity fad diet designed to reduce you to a skeleton in under a day! The werewolf Diet, or Luna Diet is based on the idea that the moon affects the water in our bodies in the same way that it determines the tides of the oceans, and that this power can be harnessed to help you lose weight…up to 6lbs in 24 hours! But what is it? Well it involve a liquid cleanse for a few days of the month; either at the full moon, new moon or beginning of a moon phase. Oh please! First of all, since the average bowel contains 6lbs of waste material at any one time, you can lose that amount by opting for colonic irrigation. Secondly, if you opt for a juice cleanse, you will probably get diarrhoea and lose most of the 6lbs in the same way. Let common sense rule you!

WOULD YOU ‘TUNNEL’ YOUR WAY INTO THE UK?

channel tunnel

Well, 48 Albanians nationals tried! A routine check at the Channel Tunnel terminal in Coquelles resulted in the stowaways being found hidden in the back of a refrigerated HGV as it waited to board a shuttle to Folkestone, Kent. The stowaways were found to be fresh, but frozen. Border Force officers guaranteed them a frosty reception! The consignment of unregistered human cargo consisted of 41 males and 7 females. All were handed over to the French authorities while the Romanian lorry driver was arrested by French border police. What methods are used to unearth stowaways? Sniffer dogs, heartbeat detectors, carbon dioxide probes and physical searches. The only economic migrants allowed into Britain from France are the ones the French authorities turn a blind eye to, which is basically most of them!

When questioned about the stowaways general intent, the only English-speaking Albanian replied; ‘We wish to visit  Marylebone, London, the birthplace of Norman Wisdom and pay homage to the great man, after which we all intended entering the hospitality industry!‘ Apparently the late, great British comedy film star was a cult figure in Albania, where he was one of the few Western actors whose films were allowed in the country during the dictatorship of Enver Hoxha. Wisdom was even made an honorary citizen of Tirana. I believe there is even a statue to Norman Wisdom there.

 

DOWNLOAD A FEATURE FILM WITHIN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!

Clapper board Stock photoSouth Korea is to introduce an incredibly fast 5G mobile internet service, quick enough to download a full length feature film in less than a second. South Korea’s science ministry said it aims to implement the technology, which is about 1,000 times faster than the 4G, within six years. 5G will allow users to  download a 800-megabyte movie file in one second, compared with 40 seconds using 4G. Oh yeah? I challenge anyone to download ‘The King’s Speech’…with all that stammering…in one second. Can’t be done!

Updated: 03/02/14.

According to the Independent newspaper, scientists in the UK have created the fastest ever real-world internet connection, using commercial-grade fibre optic lines to clock up speeds of 1.4 terabits per second. It’s believed to be the fastest speed test of its kind, and would allow users to hypothetically download 44 high-definition films in a single second. Downloading the entire English version of Wikipedia would take just 0.006s. A joint research team from French telecoms company Alcatel-Lucent and BT created the connection using an existing 410km-stretch of fibre optic cable between BT Tower in London and a BT research campus in Suffolk.

Using a new protocol named Flexigrid the researchers were able to overlay several transmission channels over the same connection. The resulting ‘Alien Super Channel’ was comprised of seven 200 gigabit per second connections, increasing transmission efficiency by 42.5 per cent when compared to previous efforts.