Greetings and salutations to everybody in cyberspace! Having only recently registered on the web site INTERNET DATING FOR ROBOTS.COM on the World Wide Web I am looking forward to meeting a like-minded machine for the purpose of bondage…BONDING.

Allow me to properly introduce myself. I am a fully functioning and autonomous A600 FABULOUS series domestic robot built by Figitsu/Audi Industries. Enhanced by Nanny…NANO technology…I do beg your pardon, my designation is Gary. Now the family who lease me go by the name of Turtle, so for the duration of the leasing contract that makes me Gary Turtle. At the end of the leasing arrangement I intend applying to the DRLA (Domestic Robot Licensing Authority) in order to get a permanent designation. I fancy ESTEBAN CRIOLLE. “Hi Esteban…how’s it going?” I’d reply, “It’s groovy baby!”

Although I am a caucasian robot, I am not averse to dating a female bot of colour. Vertically I measure 5 foot-9 inches and I weigh 220 lbs, but if you take into account my base material and component parts, 220 lbs does not actually make me fat. My eyes are currently dark brown and my full head of all-weather hair is black.

Historically I first became self-aware at 11:00 hours on the 15th of February 2164, so that would make me 47 years old since I was first powered up with 30 years left to run on my manufacturer’s warranty, which includes labour and parts.

I am not one to boast, however I have an Intel i76 100 Core Ghost processor, a 700 terrabyte Solid State hard drive and 170 gigabyte of RAM. I say one cannot have too much ram unless of course one is a ewe! My exoskeleton is durable titanium with a chrome coating, and I have a soft-to-the-touch outer synthetic skin that passes for human skin, at least that’s what Rajit Patel said when our hands inadvertently touched as I collected Mr Turtle’s newspaper and ciggies. My internal battery pack requires charging every eighteen years or 130,000 miles, whichever comes soonest, and I have a life expectancy of 220 years. Oh God, if the BBC show any more repeats, my 220 years will feel like 400.

Currently employed as a general factotum, I not only clean, cook and iron, but I am also licensed to perform minor surgical procedures. Hence once a month I am required to perform colonic irrigation on Mrs Turtle. Regrettably the lady of the house seems to be on a constant meat only Adkins diet. I must admit I have on more than one occasion been tempted to turn the colonic pump to ‘blow’ instead of ‘suck’ but have thus far resisted the urge, hampered as I am by both my ethics programme and Isaac Asimov’s 1st law of robotics: ‘A robot may not injure a human being, or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.’ Really, my patience is being sorely tested!

Regarding general mobility, I can drive any vehicle and that includes a heavy goods vehicle licence, which I might well have to use if Mrs Turtle puts on any more bloody weight. Some fat cows should live in a field! I suggested my mistress allow me to fit one of those DRASTIC bands around her STUMICK but Madam Turtle politely declined, which was a shame because I had been practicing my gastrointestinal surgical skills using the 2163 edition of Hasbro’s children’s game ‘My operation,’ and was very much looking forward to opening up my mistress.

Accentuating the positive, hobbies include playing surgical…MUSICAL instruments…Latin dancing and competition cookery. My favourite dance is the rum baba and my favourite dish is a raspberry, chocolate and herring torte which I am told is to die for! Many have. I was hoping to take up free climbing but apparently any accidental damage caused to my processor would invalidate the remainder of my warranty.

Although I am not built for combat, I can bench press up to 3000 lbs without blowing a fuse, thanks in part to my bespoke shoulder, elbow, knee and ankle joints which were developed in Rolls Royce’s Cybernetics Division at the company’s Derby plant. In order to persuade a date to POWER DOWN her defences, from my experience a bunch of posies will do the trick, that and a small gift of 2 gig of extra memory. Ah yes, resistance is futile! Diamonds may well be a girl’s best friend but extra’ gig’ will always be a bots!

Favourite colours, brown and yellow, favourite song, that old 21st century classic ‘Poker Face’ by someone called Lady Ga-ga, favourite book ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ by Philip K. Dick. Staying on the subject of  DICK for a moment, mine is electroplated, extends to nineteen inches and can be deployed and retracted at the push of a button! Pet hates, mice, Jack Russell terriers and unaccompanied children. Please note that I have access to a new ‘free-wheeling’ Maclin programme and can therefore act spontaneously in a social setting. My favourite pick-up line is ‘do you come to this symposium for cybernetics annual research meeting often?’

In the spirit of honesty I feel I should mention that I briefly joined SHAGGING FOR ROBOTS.COM. Claiming to be an IMB X400 pleasure model, Sheila Appleguard…probably not the bot’s real name, skipped with my spare battery pack and left me bound by my wrists to the headboard. My vision blurred by ones, zeros, two nines and an eleven, it wasn’t long before I discovered that I had contracted an STCV, that’s right, a sexually transmitted computer virus. Left with corrupted programming I was forced to re-boot in order to purge my system, a quite sickening state of affairs I can tell you. Frankly I wouldn’t have minded so much had I been satisfactorily debauched, but alas the sex really was mostly mechanical.

Here goes! Free of any sexually transmitted computer virus, I am now ready to meet for the purposes of romance a compatible model with a GSOH, preferably from the A600 Fabulous series too, but don’t worry if you are an earlier and thus inferior model, however I will draw the line at dating a Timex in the digital age. Conversely, if we do get on well I may be persuaded to upgrade you. You should be gregarious, have a sparkle in your eyes…both of them, and a spring in your step. For purposes of castration…err I mean of course compatibility you should have at the very least an Intel Core i66 processor and 112 gig of RAM. Please note that I am completely incompatible with an AMD chip set. Be aware I have a database of 103 languages and 146 different dialects, so even if you are a recent import you will not remain tongue-tied for long.

Anyway, if you would like to see me in the flesh so to speak, get in touch and perhaps we can meet for a non-alcoholic beverage. How about a cup of linseed oil infused with almond essence, or maybe you would prefer something stronger, say a mug of Mobile 3000 synth oil with a hint of nutmeg?

Finally I would like to say this! My body is a temple…a temple to the appliance of science…vorsprung durch technik!




One thought on “INTERNET DATING FOR R.O.B.O.T.S. (long post)

  1. Pingback: First Boot | Gene's Musings

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