HAS THE ‘SAS’ GONE SOFT?

SAS 1Britain’s world famous elite Special Forces have been ordered to soften their gruelling entry tests by the Government’s Health and Safety watchdog.

Endurance exercises for those hoping to win places in the SAS (Special Air Services…Army) and SBS (Special Boat Services…Navy) have been made easier following a damning report by the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) into the deaths of three soldiers who collapsed during a 20-mile march over the Brecon Beacons last year.

The move has sparked fury among officers and troops in the SAS and SBS, who fear the calibre of soldiers winning places will decline. Until now potential recruits would have to go without food if rations ran low and find streams if they ran  out of water – skills SAS officers say are essential to survival in  combat. Candidates who had to be ‘rescued’ automatically failed. But new rules, to meet HSE demands, include providing extra rations, giving troops time to rest on marches, making sure safe drinking water is always available and introducing marshals to help stragglers cross the  finishing line. And in the jungle section of the two-venue test, held in Brunei, if several recruits suffer heat exhaustion marches will be shortened or cancelled so they can recover and receive medical treatment.

SAS 2An elite special agent loyal to only me recently dropped a secret Ministry of Defence report into my hands. I am revealing the contents of said report here for the first time! “In all future actions behind enemy lines SAS troops will be followed by catering trucks dispensing high-end street food to include ‘piri-piri chicken & avocado Paninis with roasted vegetables, Belgium chocolates and draught beer too”. Well they do say an army marches on its stomach!

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UK TAXPAYERS MONEY REDIRECTED ABROAD AGAIN!

foreign aid 3

Ukraine’s new government today said it needs a massive $35 billion aid package over this year and next to keep its economy from collapse. It asked for the cash because Russia will no longer support it after the ousting of president Viktor Yanukovych, an ally of Moscow. George Osborne, the Chancellor, said the UK is willing to pour millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money to prop up the new government. He is right of course. European Union members states have no choice but to support Ukraine, however I bet Mr Osborne’s cheque to the Ukraine clears faster than any UK Treasury funds reach those UK citizens forced to flee their homes due to the recent flooding!

Meanwhile, the UK Farming Minister, George Eustice has announced a £10million fund to help flood-hit farmers. Its a start, but nothing like the £97million the government sent in aid to Nigeria, where only recently suspected Islamic extremists killed at least 59 students at a Nigerian school dormitory!

 

 

OH JEEVES, DO THROW ANOTHER PEASANT ON THE FIRE!

buckingham palaceTownhouseBuckingham Palace, the official London business address of her most gracious majesty Queen Elizabeth 2 has the worst air pollution in the country, four times the safe level of toxic gas mandated by the EU. Researchers from The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) found 152 milligrams of the gas per cubic metre of air, the culprit being diesel engine fumes. The EU legal limit is 40. Other highly polluted areas include Oxford Street near Marble Arch, which registered at 150 micrograms, and Trafalgar Square on 138 micrograms. Many of the London streets outside London’s key attractions were named as dangerously polluted, including Madam Tussauds, Hamleys Toy Shop and Covent Garden. Diesel fuel is supposed to be cleaner than petrol but only if vehicles are regularly serviced. Many are not!

 

gas mask

It might come as a surprise to learn but no member of the Royal Family in the last seven years has appeared on the Buck House balcony without a gas mask! Of course the masks were photoshopped out by the media for fear the public might think the Royal Family think they stink, which of course by their standards of hygiene, we do! God forbid anyone of us should piss on the royal roses!

 

 

 

 

HOW TO BOOST YOUR SEX DRIVE!

Thinking About Sex Royalty Free Stock Images - 26750899Some men suffer from a reduced sex drive but no sexual dysfunction. Others find it increasingly hard to get an erection, which interferes with their enjoyment of sex (impotence). Others have no problem with sexual performance but produce dysfunctional sperm, making conception unlikely for partners. How to counter these problems? Check your testosterone and cholesterol levels. Reduce stress level and alcohol intake. Increase protein intake and lose weight. Take in more zinc. Eat more lamb, nuts, egg yolks, rye and oats, organic vegetables and fruit, seeds and nuts, fish, prawns. If having tried all of the above you find your sex drive is still diminished, well all I can suggest is, try finding a partner who you actually fancy! 

ANYONE FOR A COOKIE?

cookiesGirl Scout Danielle Lei, thirteen, having set up shop outside a San Francisco Green Cross clinic, a medical marijuana dispensary, sold 117 boxes of cookies in just two hours. Indeed enterprising Danielle sold out of her first batch within 45 minutes and needed to call for back-up cookies. Half of the proceeds went to charitable organisations related to Alzheimer’s. Oh how commendable. Just a minute! 117 boxes of cookies in two hours? I shudder to think what was in the cookies?

 

1967 FERRARI SOLD FOR £17.5MILLION!

1967 Ferrari 275 GTB/4

1967 Ferrari 275 GTB/4 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A rare 1967 275 GTB/4*S NART Ferrari SPIDER, one of only 10 built had been sold at auction in America for a staggering £17.5MILLION! Expired manufacturer’s warranty, no engine management system, no satnav…no cup holder…no CD player…no i-Pad docking station…no climate control…no free tank of petrol. I refused to bid on principle!

RAISING A CHILD COSTS AN ARM AND A LEG!

chimney sweepOr to be more precise…£148,000! As the rich getting richer and the rest of us continue to struggle, I see no problem with instilling in children as young as two a sense of fiscal responsibility. What do I mean by this? Well, in the current economic climate I think it is entirely appropriate to get your two-year-old a PAPER ROUND! That way, children can be seen and not heard…always an advantage! “And don’t come home until you’ve delivered all the papers! And make sure you’re home by four…then you can start your coal round…never mind your go-go ga-ga…have you any idea how much an i-Pad costs?”

 

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE ALMIGHTY ‘BUCK’!

ApacheCome clean, have you seen any episodes of the reality series The Real Housewives of Orange County, New York City, Atlanta, New Jersey, Beverly Hills, and Miami? Well if you have you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself! Are the shows truly representative of how perma-tanned, surgically enhanced, Botox-overloaded airheads actually live? Remember now, we’re talking about women who reach orgasm by merely staring at their own reflections. Women whose farts smell of lavender or freshly cut ‘blue grass’. Women who discreetly bleed into Prada tampons. Women whose teeth are whiter than a Ku Klux Klan Master Wizard’s sheet. Women who never leave skid marks on their knickers. Women who eat what they like but never put on any weight. Women who take their liposuctioned fat, blitz it and donate it to food banks to be enjoyed by the poor as high-protein ‘smoothies’!

If TV producers really want to relate to Mr & Mrs Average Joe then I suggest they produce a show called Real Housewives of the Apache Nation! Yes, the housewives of the Indian reservations do go horseback riding too, but in their defence, it is their only mode of transport! It’s comforting to know when The Real Housewives of Orange County retire for the night divested of jewellery and fakery, they look just like your old granny!

 

DINNER IS SERVED…AUSTRALIAN STYLE!

skinny dippingIn a protest against body image conformity 700+ people stripped naked and flocked to the Tasman Sea in Sydney in what has been billed as the largest nude ocean swim on record. Some skinny dippers even painted messages of support on their backsides. My favourites? ‘Butt Out’ and  ‘S o S’. As far as the sharks were concerned I suppose it was a ‘target rich environment’. After the event, the 660 survivors donned their clothes and headed to a festival arena, where there was live music to celebrate their feat. I think they’re mad!

 

 

THE RHUBARB TRIANGLE!?!

rhubarbI’ve heard of the Bermuda Triangle, indeed who hasn’t, but until now I hadn’t heard of the Rhubarb Triangle, but I’ve been assured it exists, and in Yorkshire, England, where apparently corks are popping! Here farmers of the durable crop can barely keep pace with the “astronomical” demand for their product as this weekend’s annual Wakefield Rhubarb Festival gets under way. Rhubarb grown in the triangle has the same protection under European law as Champagne. Ah so, if rheum rhabarbarum isn’t grown within the Yorkshire triangle it can’t be called rhubarb! I’m afraid the 1993 mystery of the ‘disappearance of a seasoned rhubarb picker’ doesn’t carry the same…cachet as any disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle! Personally I have a love/hate relationship with rhubarb. Cooked well, and with added sugar it can be tasty, particularly with custard, but rhubarb does tend to take the sheen off of my teeth. I look forward to one day taking my teeth out before eating the stuff!

 

INSTANT JUSTICE IS NOT LIKE INSTANT CUSTARD!

 

gavel

Crime in the UK is out of control, and that’s a fact! The police can’t cope and neither can the courts. Think tank Policy Exchange has recommended the recruitment of an additional 10,000 new magistrates who would dispense on-the-spot, instant justice inside police stations at peak times, evenings and at weekends. We’ve had Crown Prosecution Service solicitors permanently deployed to police stations in order to advise detectives as to the likelihood of achieving successful prosecutions. Another new initiative currently being rolled out is the deployment of mental health professionals to police station, the purpose of which is to assess whether those arrested are fit to be interviewed or attend court. If prisoners reliant on narcotics are not fit to do either, they are to be transferred to a hospital psych ward until general mental acuity returns. My only concern is, with the permanent presence of solicitors at police stations, mental health professionals, and if the Policy Exchange recommendation is adopted, 10,000 magistrates too, where the devil are the police going to put the prisoners?

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HAVE YOU BEEN NAILED?

United Kingdom: stamp

United Kingdom: stamp (Photo credit: Sem Paradeiro)

Vietnamese nail salons are in the news today, and the papers are linking them to possible human trafficking into the UK. Well right next door to my mate’s café in north London is a well established Vietnamese nail bar. Naturally all the nail technicians are Vietnamese. The business makes a fortune partly because they only take CASH…no cheques, no credit cards. I surmise that when a tax/VAT officer enters the premises everyone pretends not to speak English. I guess many of the technicians don’t. A well positioned salon with a loyal customer base really is a licence to print money. I wouldn’t know if any of the staff have been trafficked into the UK, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the case. From one salon, the owner now has three. There are still opportunities in London to make shedloads of tax-free money, provided of course you’re not English!

BUNNY HUNTERS!

English: University of Victoria library, bikes...

English: University of Victoria library, bikes, and rabbits. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Using fluorescent protein from JELLYFISH, scientists have bred a colony of rabbits that can GLOW IN THE DARK in a so-called leap forward for developing medicine for life-threatening genetic diseases such as haemophilia. Yeah, right! Researchers in Hawaii and Turkey successfully created the litter of eight rabbits, which included two kits that glow green when the lights are out. Dr Stefan Moisyadi, of University of Hawaii says, the experiment  could help mass produce medication. He added: ‘These rabbits are like a light bulb glowing, like an LED light all over their body.’

Now they have successful created glow in the  dark bunnies, the team is planning to create a fluorescent lamb by November.

My suspicion is that Dr Stefan Moisyadi is a member of a secret far-right group who likes to hunt poor little bunnies in the dark! You bunny hunting BASTARD!!

Updated: 07/11/13.

British entrepreneur Charlie Francis, founder of the ‘Lick Me I’m  Delicious’ ice cream company has created the world’s first glow-in-the-dark ice cream, using…yes, that’s right, jellyfish protein! He has harnessed the fluorescent properties of the marine animal to develop the luminescent snack. The ice cream reacts with the eater’s tongue…raising the pH level in the protein and making it glow. £200 gets you about 2g of the  stuff. Perhaps the ice-cream should be offered to Dr Moisyadi’s glow in the dark bunnies…as their last meal?

MOVE OVER ‘ACTION MAN’. NEW SNOWDEN & ASSANGE ACTION TOYS!

action toyFancy a 12 inch whistleblower action figure made from genuine plastic, then log on at That’s My Face.com, where American Edward Snowden and Australian Julian Assange. can be yours for $99. All proceeds go to the Freedom of the Press Foundation or WikiLeaks. Although you can order a ‘bespoke’ figure in an outfit of your choice, I am somewhat surprised to discover neither doll comes with 360 degree ‘sniper’ vision, bullet-proof clothing or an address of a safe house!

 

HUMAN NATURE IS OFTEN UNFATHOMABLE!

 

the mind

Belgian teenagers have written to convicted paedophile  and child-killer Marc Dutroux, asking to become pen pals with the country’s most notorious prisoner. Dutroux  has even received marriage proposals! The man was jailed for life in 2004 over the kidnap and rape of six young teenage girls between June 1995 and August 1996, four of whom died following the ordeal. I suspect Norway’s mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik who killed 77 people in 2011 received ‘fan’ mail too, including marriage proposals.

Over here in England our ‘monster’ list is endless: Peter Sutcliffe, ‘the Yorkshire Ripper’ killed 13. Fred West, ‘House of Horrors’. Dennis Nilson (killed 15). Colin Ireland, ‘the Gay Slayer’. Kenneth Erskine, ‘the Stockwell Strangler’. Levi Bellfield, ‘Bus Stop Stalker’. Michael Lupo, Raymond Morris, ‘the A34 Killer’. Ian Brady, the Moors Murderer’.  I’m guessing they’ve all received mail from ‘adoring‘ fans. Interesting isn’t it…most serial killers/mass murderers are primarily white males aged between 30 and 45. I might be able to understand how immature, unhappy, emotionally vulnerable teenagers of both sexes coming from say broken homes would wish to contact imprisoned monsters, but I cannot for the life of me understand how women could offer killers marriage? I am afraid they must be condemned too! In the fractured society in which we all live, you should be judged by the company you keep! Meanwhile the European Court of Human Rights is trying to take away the British Government’s right to pass whole life sentences! Apparently even monsters have rights, specifically the right to eventually taste freedom. Yea Gods!!