LONDON’S CONGESTION CHARGE!

 

congestion charge

A guy walks into a pharmacy. “Excuse me, what have you got for nasal congestion. My throat’s sore too?” The pharmacist hands the customer a packet of menthol pastilles. “That’ll be £11:50 please!” The customer is taken aback. “£11:50 for a packet of pastilles. I think that’s a little bit excessive.” The pharmacist replies, “Well that is the standard congestion charge!” 

The congestion charge for driving into central London (Monday to Friday) will go up by 15% on the 16th June this year, taking it from £10:00 per day to £11:50. I realise it is the first rise since 2011, but when the charge was first introduced in 2003 it was only £5:00. Mark my words, before I get my first grey hair, the London congestion charge will be £20:00, and it will extend through the weekend! And does this stealth tax solve the problem of clogged roads? Some might say…not! I occasionally drive into my capital city, and as far as I can tell the roads are just as clogged as they were before the ‘CC’ was introduced. The only difference I’ve noticed is, the traffic has been purposely slowed down! Hey, don’t be surprised if in the not too distant future you will face a local authority charge for backing out of your own god damn driveway!

What of outstanding congestion charge fines, who owes the most? Foreign automatsdiplomats of course, who claim their diplomatic immunity status exempts them from paying to use the same roads you and I must pay to use! USA=£7,277,400. Russia=£4,889,900. Japan=£4856, 280. Nigeria=£3,816,990. Germany=£3,728,170. India=£2,777,440. These figure relate to non-payment of ‘CC’ up to July 2013, so heaven knows what they must be by now? For ‘culture vultures’ Central London is a great place to visit if you like museums, art galleries and the theatre, but it does cost rather a lot to get there, be it by road or rail.

 

A BOOZY TIME HAD BY ALL…IN PARLIAMENT!

power to the people

The House of Commons spent more than £1.4 million on alcohol to sell in Palace of Westminster bars, restaurants and shops in 2012/2013. This included 8,500 bottles of champagne and many more pints of beer. It has also been suggested that escaping alcoholic fumes could be seen from the International Space Station! Interesting isn’t it…that MPs and peers who drink so much couldn’t arrange a piss up in a brewery without first contacting spin doctors, think tank and PR consultants! Apparently the taxpayers not only pay for all the booze and consultancy fees, but the peanuts and canapés too! Democracy isn’t so democratic after all, is it? Power, the ultimate aphrodisiac!

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!

Promotional photo of the cast of Star Trek dur...

Promotional photo of the cast of Star Trek during the third season (1968–1969). From left to right: James Doohan, Walter Koenig, DeForest Kelley, Majel Barrett, William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols, Leonard Nimoy, and George Takei. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The creator of STAR TREK, Gene Roddenberry, who died in 1991 at age 70 will have waited 20 years for his earthly remains to be blasted off into space, and left there! Roddenberry’s ashes will also be accompanied by those of his wife on the November 2014 launch by memorial spaceflight company Celestis. They will be part of a cargo that includes other cremated remains, written messages and samples of DNA in capsules sent by the general public. The remains will travel on a spacecraft called a solar sail, which is powered by sunlight and made to withstand high temperatures, and will head for orbit around the Sun. The journey will be captured by on-board cameras and streamed online.

It will not be the first time the remains of Roddenberry, and James Doohan (engineer Scotty), who was 85 when he died in 2005, have been into space. Roddenberry was part of Celestis’ inaugural flight in 1997, when his remains were taken on a trip into space before returning to Earth. An urn containing some of Doohan’s remains was also sent into space in 2012. Apparently there is still room on the 2014 space flight, with the price for sending a loved-one’s ashes into orbit starting at $12,500 (£8,057).

In competition to Celestis, Elysium Space is hoping to launch its first so-called ‘memorial flights’ in summer 2014 from Cape Canaveral in Florida. Human remains will be launched into space and orbit the Earth for ‘several  months’ before burning up in the atmosphere and becoming a ‘shooting  star.’ The company plans to work with space transport companies including SpaceX, Civeit and Orbital Sciences to launch the flights. The price of a launch is $1,900 (£1,180) and for that, customers will be sent a kit containing a scoop to transfer ‘a symbolic portion’ of ashes into an enclosed ash capsule. The capsule can be engraved with three initials and customers can also write a remembrance message of up to 80 characters that will be added to the metal plates attached on the spacecraft. Once the ashes have been put into the capsule, customers post it back to Elysium Space to prepare it for the flight. Family members will also get an invitation to the launch viewing event as well as a video of the take-off. After the launch, a certificate will be sent to the family  to commemorate the completion of the memorial flight. The California-based firm has already launched a mobile app to track the ashes sent into space on the flights. Family and friends follow this journey through the stars using the Elysium Mobile App, which shows in real-time the spacecraft location. Now that’s very interesting! If there’s someone you loathe so much that you simply must witness their remains leaving the planet, than what better method is there other than the mobile app? “Steve, hated your guts when you lived…still hate your guts…good f**king riddance! See you…wouldn’t want to be you!”

 

TONY BLAIR’S “I’LL BACK IRAQ WAR” LETTER TO BUSH GONE MISSING!

tony blair

According to the Daily Mail newspaper, a critically important personal letter from former British Prime Minister Anthony Charles Lynton ‘Tony’ Blair to former US President George ‘Dubya’ Bush backing his plan to wage war in Iraq has reportedly ‘gone missing’ from the official presidential library as pressure grows on the former Prime Minister to sanction the release of his private notes to Mr Bush! Mr Blair’s refusal to authorise the publication of 25 personal letters and 130 official records of conversations with the former President has led to a long delay in the publication of Sir John Chilcot’s official report into the Iraq War.

Thankfully I’ve managed to get hold of a ‘copy’ of the missing letter from Tony to Dubya, and this I reveal to you for the very first time!

“Dear George,

F**k the United nations and their mandates! Three resolutions to go to war in Iraq is plenty. No need to wait for any more! As far as weapons of masturbation are concerned, as long as the CIA keep coming up with duff intel, I’ll make sure Mi6 do the same! So I’m with you all the way! Boy oh boy, I can’t wait for the troops to try out those new boys toys in actual battle. Just the thought of firing off those depleted uranium artillery shells is giving me a hard on! And that strapline you’re people came up with…’shock & awe’, if you don’t mind, I’ll use it on my CV. Oh, I took your advice and wrote this letter on rice paper, after all, you can never be too careful, the wrong people might get hold of it! Again, do thank Laura for the recipe for American apple pie, it was f**king ace! Now let’s go to war and f**k up those ragheads! Saddam Hussein is going to get the shock of his life! I suspect someone’s going to feel like a right camel toe. Ha-ha!

Yours Truly,

Your friend & mine, Tony.”

 

THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER!

 

prince charles 1

Prince Charles has been invited to give the introductory address at a conference on ‘Inclusive Capitalism’ at Mansion House in the City of London. The conference will ask the question ‘how free market economies can be tamed to generate more jobs and better pay for workers’. In other words, responsible capitalism! A fair subject to address in the wake of the 2008 worldwide financial debacle, and other financial irregularities that have occurred since!

Great charitable deeds not withstanding, I believe it is fair to ask the question, is it right that Prince Charles speaks at the conference? This is a man who was born with a gold spoon in his mouth. He never started a business on a bank loan and worked his way up. He has never had to worry about putting food on the table or keeping a roof over his head. HRH has never in fact gone to bed hungry. You won’t see prince Charles queuing at a food bank! In fact, we the taxpayers pay for him and his entire family to exist. Has Prince Charles the right to lecture others about ‘fair capitalism’? I think not! By-the-bye, I do wonder whether Prince Charles pays his hundreds of Highgrove Estate workers and those working for the globally recognised Duchy of Cornwall a basic salary, a living wage, or something more than that? If I was a kept man, I too would champion charities as I’m sure many of you would!  Unfortunately we plebs must work for a living and take orders from individuals who are intellectually, culturally and socially beneath us. Hey, that’s life, and for those of us who were born with wooden spoons in our mouths, sometimes life ain’t pretty!

URBAN VAMPIRES!

blood cellsWould you feel comfortable having a vampire, yes, vampire living next door to you? Do you think you would be able to sleep with your bedroom windows open? Would it surprise you to know vampires exist, and they don’t all live in castles. Some even get involved in the school run! According to a top academic, Britain has an ‘underground network’ of 15,000 practicing vampires, many of who pick their partners according to their blood types. Naturally I have withheld the academician’s name and exact location for reasons of security. Panic yea not, for British vampires have excellent table manners and are really quite ‘sanguine’, in that they only receive blood from a bank of 30,000 willing donors, many of who work in banking, insurance, IT and social services. Criticise vampires all you like, but one thing is for certain, you won’t find an obese vampire draining National Health Service resources, only their blood banks! ‘AB positive’ about that!

ROYAL ASS CHEEKS EXPOSED AS…AUTHENTIC!

BUTT 1Assgate scandal! Those rascally flesh pedlars at German tabloid Bild published a photograph of the Duchess of Cambridge’s virtually bare bottom during the royal tour of New Zealand and Australia. Talk about a boob…well, not actually a boob, but an ass! What a breach of royal privacy, for what was once a commoner’s bottom now has the royal stamp of approval on it! It is suspected the helicopter carrying the Bild film crew deliberately flew too close for comfort! Some politicians are saying this bottom breach is even more serious a matter than the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in 1914 which led to the outbreak of World War One! Could Kate Middleton’s wardrobe malfunction exposure lead to war? God, I hope not! Nevertheless I think I’d better stock up on dried food and bottled water! You had better do the same!

YOU ‘REAPER’ AS YOU SOW!

reaper drone

Costing more than £100million, five armed to the teeth Reaper ‘We’ll f**k you up right and proper’ unmanned drones ordered from America nearly 5 years ago to support British troops in Afghanistan are still not operational, and this, only six months before our brave boys are due to depart from the world’s biggest golf course! But why the delay? Apparently the rubber bands connecting the propeller shaft to the tail wings are not up to Industry Standard. The RAF emblem will be removed and replaced the emblem of London’s Metropolitan Police who promise to ‘Protect and Serve You Up’ at the same time? Now that’s bad karma! So if in the near future you happen to spot something in the skies above your head you will be forgiven for thinking it is a UFO (Unidentified Flying Orifice). Young man, consider yourself surveilled!  

ROLL OUT THE BARREL!

oil barrelGood news for some, not such good news for others! An official analysis by the British Geological Survey (BGS) indicates there are 4.4 billion barrels-worth of oil under land in Sussex, Hampshire and Kent, but until drilling begins no one can say for certain what the quality of the oil may be. For instance, is it heavy crude, light crude, extra-f**king light, or so light, it’s only fit to use as hair gel! Between fracking for shale gas and now drilling for oil, it is highly lightly those living in Sussex, Hampshire and Kent may well be ‘democratically’ removed from their domiciles only to be ‘repositioned’ on floating pontoons in the middle of the North Sea. Rest assured, drill-bits will be going down, but your energy bills will only ever go up! Screwed? Oh most definitely!

CANNIBALISM…WOULD YOU?

cannibalismAre you a breast man or a leg man? Stanford professor Paul Ehrlich predicts population increases will lead to a food crisis which could lead to humans having to eat the bodies of the dead! Well that’s certainly one way of freeing up space in cemeteries to build essential social housing! I think Prof Ehrlich however has seen ‘Soylent Green’ (Charlton Heston) one too many times! Turning human beings into dried chips you might eat with milk might be considered a step too far? Christ, I’d hate to be a lifestyle coach! Wait a minute, let’s not be too hasty in dismissing cannibalism! A burger made of ‘general humanity’ would probably taste a damn sight better than any lab grown burger! Hey, what about when the food ran out at a wake? Would mourners really be prepared to eat the deceased? Morally speaking of course it can be argued eating a noisy neighbour or one who parks in your spot is socially acceptable! And for all you cannibalistic gastronomes out there, do blue collar workers taste better than white collar workers? I mean to say, is one more chewy than the other? Oh dear, all this talk about food is making me hungry. Thankfully my neighbour’s a real yummy mummy! Becalmed my friends, for sure I’m only kidding! I’m a vegan, in that I only eat vegans!

SMOKE GETS IN MY EYES!

life 1

Almost dusk, and I was sitting on my patio, naked, smoking a great big fat joint while staring up at the clear blue sky wondering what life was really all about! Do we make our own fate, or are out paths to glory or defeat set in stone from birth? Victims or victors, are the choices we make our own, or are they made on our behalf by some unseen force that doesn’t pay income tax and isn’t registered to vote? My thoughts were momentarily interrupted by what I believed to be a star, but it turned out to be a military drone, so I hastily got into my underpants. I’d read in ‘Spy Monthly’ magazine the camera on a drone can photograph a pimple on a witch’s tit! I refocused my thoughts and wandered back to the time I lost my virginity. Well, it wasn’t so much lost, as mislaid! The alarm sounded, signifying the joint was done! I must say, the turkey smelled magnificent! You know what, if I can just get the cost of the raw materials down, I may well market my home-made smoker!

EVACUATION…NOT EJACULATION!

condoms

Have you ever considered what real estate agents do when the there’s a lull in the property market? The director of ‘residential homes’ at upmarket Savills estate agents, 139 Sloane Street, Chelsea, sent a ‘cease & desist’ order by email to all its 50 members of staff instructing them not to have sex in the ladies lavatory, after Pimlico Plumbers spent 7 hours unblocking toilet pipes stuffed with used condoms. ‘Toilets are for evacuation, not ejaculation!’ At least Savills staff members had the decency not to jump on one-another in the homes they were showing. Bravo!

GP CALLS FOR END TO ’10-MINUTE’ APPOINTMENTS AT SURGERIES!

doctorQuite right too, for 10-minutes is definitely far too long. A 3-minute doctor’s appointment seems much more suitable, after all, the chronically underfunded Nation Health Service is about to file for corporate bankruptcy! “Yes Mr Jones, you are indeed suffering from a curable disease, but unfortunately there’s no money left for treatment, so I suggest you get your affairs in order, goodbye. Next!” Conversely, is 10-minutes enough time in which to see a self-diagnosed, internet savvy patient like me who knows far more than a fully trained doctor? People like me must really get on our doctors tits, but hey, what do you expect when I must wait 6-weeks for a non-emergency appointment? What, I’m not going to use the internet medical database to self-diagnose? In my defence, I was bloody worried when my phallus kept growing and growing, that was, until my doctor told me it is called an erection. Phew!

LABOUR’S ED MILIBAND…FUTURE PRIME MINISTER?

ed miliband 2Union-backed Labour Party leader Ed Miliband’s looks have often and unfairly been made fun of by Britain’s Press. Satirists claim he looks weird. Christ, give the man a break, so far all he wants to do is ‘serve’ rather than wield power. Of course it didn’t help Miliband’s cause when he was recently photographed ‘awkwardly’ munching on a bacon sandwich! Let’s face it, none of us look ‘charming’ while masturbat…masticating! Any half-decent PR consultant would have warned Mr Miliband, ‘If you want to exude ‘gravitas’, don’t get caught eating in public!’