OH NO, MORE GUNS ON THE STREETS OF LONDON!

snooping 1

Hey, but at least they’re in the hands of trained agents, who are licensed to kill & maim! Distrustful of information flowing from the British SIS (Secret Intelligence Service) to the US of A, regarding the radicalization of young Muslim men & women who go abroad to fight in the name of Islam, earlier this year President Obama sent over a special CIA unit to assess the situation first hand. But what of the CIA officers already stationed at the United States Embassy in London? Apparently they spent so much time playing croquet with MI5 officers, their information could no longer be relied upon!

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AH…THE SMELL OF IT!

waste mountain

Now whatever you do, don’t move to Cornwall Drive, St Paul’s Grey in south-east London, for at the end of this particular cul-de-sac is an rat infested 18,000-ton waste mountain that towers 40 foot high, and I’ve been assured the smell is truly appalling! The Environmental Agency claims the private firm Waste-4-Fuel that runs the waste disposal site has not been paying for the rubbish mound to be treated or sent on for disposal or recycling. No doubt the courts will decide what actions must be taken. Meanwhile residents can’t open their windows, or enjoy lounging in their gardens. I bet antidepressants are being handed out like Smarties! But hey, why am I bothering to merely repeat what is in the newspaper? Look here, these kind of rotting, waste mountains is just one of the downsides of living in a First World country. That’s our waste. We’ve produced it. There are festering landfill site all over the country. Quite frankly it is a shocking indictment of the Capitalist system. So the next time you unwrap a parcel or throw away your leftover dinner, please spare a thought for environment you live in!

LOOK OUT, THE FASHION POLICE ARE ABOUT…WIMBLEDON!

 

tennis balls

So it’s knicker checks all round then? This year The All England Club are tightening their regs regarding tennis kit! The players dress code is all white, and with no exceptions. So it’s only white knickers & bras, which I doubt will bring any colour to the cheeks of the female contestants, who must put up with All England Club officials entering the changing rooms for an underwear check! If I was a professional tennis player of either sex, I would tell the nosey parkers to…f**k right off! If enough of the top seeded players did the same, and threatened to pull out of Wimbledon 2014, the knicker checkers would back off! What a bloody cheek!

HEALTH & SAFETY STRIKES AGAIN!

English: Bridgnorth Bridge A view of the bridg...

English: Bridgnorth Bridge A view of the bridge over the River Severn at Bridgnorth, Shropshire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Beautiful hanging baskets brightening up a bridge over the a river Severn in Bridgnorth, Shropshire have been removed by council officials for fear that the petunia baskets might fall on paddling canoeists below. Health & Safety has once again gone mad! It is precisely this attitude that caused the dismantling of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon…I think?

Two prisoners who climbed onto the roof of HMP Dartmoor during a heatwave in order to stage a protest, and stayed there for 8-hours, were amazingly offered suncream by prison officers mindful of their ‘duty of care’. In any other country the prisoners would have been left up there to roast in order to deter others from protesting in the same manner. Quite ridiculous!

Chaos at Waterloo Station, London! Why only the other day, trains out of all 19 platforms were brought to a standstill for almost an hour when the electricity was shut off at the height of the rush hour to prevent injury occurring to just one man trespassing on the tracks. He was later detained under the Mental health Act. In any other Western Capital city the trains would have continued to run normally. But oh no, not in health & safety conscious London! Here tens of thousands of commuters had to be severely inconvenienced due to the antics of one asshole, who by now has probably been released from hospital and is propping up a bar stool!

 

MASTURBATING USING A ‘HENRY’ VACUUM CLEANER!

English: Numatic 'Henry' vacuum cleaner

English: Numatic ‘Henry’ vacuum cleaner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

STUDENTS from Bournemouth University, Dorset, England were each sent a letter demanding they ‘cease and desist’ from engaging in “personal” activities with Henry Hoovers.

The letter, purporting to be sent out by an accommodation officer to students in Lyme Regis flats, and posted on the Bournemouth Uni Confessions Facebook page, read:

“It has recently come to our attention that many of the designated Henry vacuum cleaners placed on each floor have been absent for several days. Whilst we appreciate that there may be many explanations for this, it has been reported that certain students have been using the vacuum cleaners for personal reasons not related to cleaning. Due to the decontamination costs involved in removing bodily fluids from the hose, any student found to have used the communal vacuum cleaners for such activities face immediate fines of £75.”

No wonder Henry vacuum cleaners always have a ‘Happy Henry’ face on them, for Henry has leant to swallow! I suppose misusing Henry is one way for students to avoid contracting an STD! Clearly this must be a hoax. I suspect the author of the letter has a bright future ahead of him or her as a political speech writer. I further suspect that Happy Henry’s owners, Numatic International Limited, of Somerset, England, may well be in the midst of developing a hand-held ‘Happy Henry’ and a ‘Happy Henrietta’ for the domestic market.

NORTH KOREAN LEADER ‘UP IN ARMS’…SO WHAT’S NEW?

 

The Interview

Oh dear me, North Korean leader Kim ‘fat boy’ Jon-Un…former member of pop group ‘Haircut 100’, is up in arms and presumably legs too over ‘The Interview’, a new Hollywood comedy starring Seth Rogen and James Franco in which there is a plot to assassinate the above mentioned ‘gentleman’. The plot? Presumably someone tries to kill Kim Jon-Un by force-feeding him deep-fried peanut butter & jello sandwiches. Anyway, ‘baby’ Kim has called the movie release ‘an act of war’ and threatened ‘merciless countermeasures’. Presumably this involves breaking wind over the South China Sea! If a production company ever wished for millions of dollars worth of free publicity, well they’ve got it here!

MORE ON WIMBLEDON 2014!

tennis balls

Mein Gott friends, tickets for the men’s final this year are being sold for £17,000 by online ticket seller Viagogo, and we don’t yet know who’s going to be in it! This figure equates to 115 times their face value of £148:00. Mind you, to put it in perspective, £17,000 is only two grand more than the cost of parking in Wimbledon for two weeks during the tournament.

‘ISIS’ TERRORIST GROUP VENTURE INTO TV MANUFACTURING!

ISIS tv

Early this morning even before the squirrels has woken, I popped into my local Tesco supermarket in order to feed the habit of a lifetime…eating! Once I had filled my shopping trolley with everything that threatened to harden my arteries, I headed over to the electrical department in order to check out the televisions. I wanted a small TV for my kitchen! Imagine my surprise when I came face-to-face with a 20-inch HD ready, LED, DVD Combo! The original price was £139:00, but to me they’d reduced it to a mere £89:00! I was about to grab not one TV, but two, that was until I noticed the make. ISIS (true). Well no wonder the price had been reduced! Mind you I bet the reception was perfect on the Al Jazeera channel!

THE ‘MARVEL’ OF MARBLE!

statue of DavidItalian white marble, particularly from the Carrara quarries has long since been recognised as the finest marble in the world, and is thus most sought after, particularly in The Middle East. Dating back to Roman times, Italian marble was used by Michelangelo to produce the Statue of David, and more recently, London’s Marble Arch. Mega rich Saudi Arabian construction family who built the Grand Mosque in Mecca, the Bin Laden’s, own 26 quarries worldwide and are about to buy the Carrara quarries from 3-Italian families for a reported 45-million euros. The question I would like answered is this, did the Bin Laden’s…sometime George W Bush business/trading partners…offer a quantity of free marble in order to construct a permanent remembrance to the 3000 people who died in the terrorist attacks on 9/11 in New York? If a ‘black sheep’ in my family (Osama Bin Laden) had orchestrated such a catastrophic, diabolical terrorist attack, I might have hand-delivered the marble as an act of contrition!

POTHOLE NEWS!

pot noodleBritain is still covered in unsightly and dangerous potholes! Local authorities are forever paying out hundreds of pounds in compensation claims to motorists whose vehicles become damaged when they drive over potholes. Bearing in mind the average cost of filling a pothole is £63, surely it makes perfect sense to fill the f**king holes in? The British Government had announced it will provide local authorities a £168million ‘pot’ to be shared out between them. Meanwhile, UK Roads Minister, Robert Goodwill…and there’s precious little of that about…claims that ‘potholes’ are a sign of a strong economy! Could it simply be an indication of a job badly done in the first place, or an indication that cargo that was once upon a time transported across the country by rail is now crushing the life out of our roads? It seems to me we here in good Old Blighty are being governed by assholes who don’t know their potholes from their Pot Noodles!

SPENDING OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY!

gold mastercard

Gordon Sumner, aka the musician Sting, ex-working class, ex-teacher, has publicly stated that his children will definitely not be inheriting his estimated £200million fortune, but instead must work for a living and make their own way in life! Highly commendable! Now without mentioning any names, I find it mildly interesting that some children of the incredibly rich and incredibly successful, particularly in ‘Show Business’ and ‘Sport’ are more than happy to spend, spend, spend money they have never earned. Inherited wealth, liberally spread around siblings often breads lazy minds and lazy bodies. These pampered ‘poodles’, photographed wherever they go for having achieved ‘nothing’, often have no higher education and thus, no skills. Content to live hedonistic lifestyles, they are to be pitied, not lauded! No one really respects them! These consummate ‘under-achievers’ will reach the other ends of their lives having spent 60-years ‘shopping’. Now I can’t be certain, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the people to whom I refer actually masturbate using a MasterCard when they’re not cutting their coke with it!

AN ARMY MARCHES ON ITS STOMACH!

sausage rollDue to financial ‘black holes’ in budgets, the probable result of financial ‘mismanagement’ (irresponsible over-spend), the three branches of Britain’s armed forces…the Army, the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force…have been forced to scale back personnel. Even the ‘Senior Service’, the Royal Navy hasn’t been immune to penny-pinching. Indeed, the UK currently floats the smallest armada of warships in over 300 years! Back to the Army for a moment! Although we are fielding the ‘smallest’ army in decades, 22,000 soldiers still ‘squeezing’ into khaki have been found to be overweight! In fact, soldiers are so out of shape, they have been deemed to be at risk of diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease! Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that Gregg’s the baker has been supplying the Army’s German NAFI high fat sausage rolls and Cornish pasties since September 2012? The well documented exploits of the British Army’s famous ‘thin red line’ that once helped carve out an empire, is now shorter in length, but wider in girth! In the words of Napoleon Blownaparte; ‘An army marches on its stomach’, but until now it wasn’t meant to be taken literally!

RELAX, PUT YOURSELF IN MY HANDS!

bastards A 41-year-old NHS physiotherapist working in a South Wales community hospital has been accused of bringing a young woman to climax within 30-seconds of touching her ‘no-go’ area, which is remarkable, considering Miss ‘X’ only sought the man out in order to relieve her sore neck and painful shoulder! Frankly, in an era of financial cutbacks, I wasn’t aware the National Health Service currently offered such ‘up close & personal’ attention? Perhaps the clue is in the name, ‘community’ hospital! Talk about a gross misuse of NHS funding and of course…trust! Of course the physiotherapist must be some kind of…guru, for in my small world bringing a woman to climax in 30-seconds is f**king unheard of. Why I’ve never managed it in under three…four months, and I used to play the piano!

OH NO…FLEAS!

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Noble Nicholus ...

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Noble Nicholus (“Nikki”) (Blenheim coat) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My beloved CHARLIE the Cavalier King Charles spaniel died  December 2012. My canine friend enjoyed fourteen and a half wonderful years of life. Thankfully his demise was very swift, but it didn’t stop me crying for a week. Despite the fact that Charlie remained flea free and was regularly groomed, six days after he passed my house become infested with the CAT FLEAS. I was bitten over one hundred times, in bed and out. I’d looked after dogs all my life and never had I been bitten more than once. This was truly a nightmare! I sprayed the furniture several times, the mattresses and bed frames too. Every duvet was taken to the cleaners, every sheet and pillow case washed. I repeatedly sprayed the carpets and even as a last resort, hired a specialist who bombed the place. All in all I spent over £600, and it took several weeks to clear the house of fleas. I must have spent £100 alone on anti-flea body sprays and creams. Despite the fact that Charlie was not to blame I took the infestation as an omen and swore I’d never have another dog, Six weeks later I took charge of right little bitch BUNNEE the Cavalier. She is fantastic and flea free. Some people are of the belief that fleas living on a dog jump ship when they know the animal is about to die. Even if Charlie had the odd flea living on him, how could they have jumped ship and multiplied to the extent that they did? No, no, I believe that someone who came to my house to express his/her condolences brought cat fleas with them. Anyway, it’s a mystery that will never be solved. I know to in future ‘bomb’ the house throughout straight away.

Clear & present danger!!

I’ve just found out…fleas are about! It has something to do with the mild climate here in London? Anyway, I cannot go through another infestation. Someone told me if I swallow one garlic capsule a day, fleas will dare not bite me. Apparently fleas don’t like the taste of garlic-infused blood, but how will they know until they bite? I suppose the first flea that does bite me will go home and email all his f**king flea friends. I guess that’s the beauty of social networking sites!

 

UNDERWEAR WITH A BITE!

 

Health and Safety at Work etc. Act 1974

Health and Safety at Work etc. Act 1974 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As a direct response to the rape and death of a medical student on a bus in New Delhi, three students from Chennai have developed anti-rape underwear that produces a 3,880 volt shock if interfered with. Boy, that’s some anti-missile defence system!

Naturally it goes without saying my heart goes out to the family of the murdered student. The anti-rape underwear seems to me to be a most unusual invention. In Great Britain of course this particular female security device would not be sanctioned. Underwear with a bite would definitely not get passed The Health & Safety Executive. I can just hear them!

‘There may well be an insulating layer of material to protect the wearer, but what of it rains heavily…might not a short-circuit occur, resulting in an unintended electric shock?’ Likewise with unintentional urination resulting from a bladder infection’.

‘And who is to say that a security conscious wearer won’t get her undies re-chipped, so as to release an even greater charge. Now that really would be girl power!’

‘No, no, if we sanction the sale and use of this garment we might as well sanction the carrying of stun guns!’