YOU CAN’T ‘EAT’ HUMAN RIGHTS!

 

human rightsBritain’s Prime Minister David Cameron claims the UK is leading the way in Europe on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality and rights. So its hoorah, we’re a progressive nation! We have the right of self-expression and the right to f**k who we like, when we like! Meanwhile, there is no affordable housing, a failing public healthcare system, a failing public educational system, a put-upon police force, unable to cope with the rise in crime, few job opportunities, low wages but a high cost of living, the highest suicide rate in a 100 years, tens of thousands of small businesses facing closure through insolvency, the Army, Navy and Air Force reduced in size to the point we cannot ‘repel borders’ should we find ourselves attacked by a foreign power, thousands of senior citizens face the bleak choice of starving to death during winter, or freezing to death while the British government continues to send £13billion of foreign aid abroad each year. Ah, but we’ve got rights, rights that costs the government nothing to enshrine in law and distribute! Now that should cheer up a depressed and demoralised population! Friends, we all ate better and lived better when we didn’t have all these f**king rights! As far as David Cameron is concerned, he hopes these ‘extra’ rights will convert into votes for the Conservative Party at the next general election!

FOLKS, HAVE YOU HAD YOUR FIVE-A-DAY?

fruitAnd I’m not talking about orgasms! I’m referring to the 5 fruits and or vegetables the UK government says we should consume a day in order to absorb the necessary vitamins/nutrients to sustain a healthy lifestyle. What a load of f**king shit! The decline in nutrient-rich fruit & veg is only matched by the decline in flavour, so I suggest you get your vitamins out of a bottle! The reason most of the fruit sold in the UK has little or no flavour is due to the fact it is not grown in soil, and it is ‘forced-up’ in order to provide year-round crops, rather than produced seasonally. If I want a drink of water, I’ll simply squeeze a British grown tomato. Sorry folks, I’m in a ‘no bullshit’ mood today!  Maybe I haven’t had my orgasm? Vegetables such as Brussels and cabbage now have so little iron in them compared to 100-years ago, why you may as well not bother eating them! Some generically ‘altered’ foodstuffs may look pleasing to the eye, but they do you no good whatsoever! Hell, there are more nutrients in a pizza! If you want to eat nutrient rich fruit & veg, move to Italy! And if you think my assessment is incorrect, please say so in the form of a ‘comment’.

IT’S A DOG’S LIFE TOO…AT THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES!

scottie dog

Malaysian politicians claim it was offensive to use Scottie dogs in the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony! Words used were ‘shameful’ and ‘disrespectful‘ since dogs are considered ‘unclean’ by some Muslim scholars. To remind you all, wearing a cute jacket bearing the name of the country competing, 40 Scottie dogs were used to lead each team in the parade of athletes in the Celtic Park Stadium. Hey, you can’t please everyone, so why try? I mean it’s not as if any of the Scotties laid a ‘loaf’, right? What is ‘dirty’ and ‘unclean’ are some of the politicians who ‘buy’ their way into office! In any event, any criticism of the beautiful and friendly Scottie dog is just sour grapes, due to the fact that the Scottie dog national team trounced the Malaysian team in the floor gymnastic events as well as in the ‘obedience’ events, which is surprising since most Muslim countries are dictatorships! Furthermore, since Malaysia received British foreign aid, Malay politicians want to be careful they don’t ‘bite’ the hand that feeds them. Rock on Little Scottie!

IT’S A DOG’S LIFE!

The Voyce collar (pictured) claims to let owners know what their dog is trying to tell them when it comes to health, including if their pet is getting enough exerciseIs your dog overweight and lazy? Is he prone to arthritis? Well, there is a new device coming to the market that might be right up his street! Developed with help from researchers at Cornell University, New York, the ‘smart’ collar for dogs monitors heart and respiratory rates as well as calorie intake. The ‘Voyce’ collar went on show at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas and is expected to cost around $299 when it goes on sale, plus  a modest monthly subscription fee of $15 which no doubt goes towards the collar’s app being regularly updated. ‘Changes in activity level could indicate early signs of common conditions including arthritis, hip dysplasia, heart and lung problems and anxiety, which could lead to early diagnosis and treatment’. Oh how brilliant! If medical conditions are caught early, it could improve my dog’s quality of life and reduce my vet bills. From my point of view, this type of device is long overdue. You will be hard pressed to find any breed of pedigree dog that doesn’t suffer from a congenital deformity, be it backs, hips, head, eyes or heart. In fact I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if in a few years time, pet insurance companies don’t offer a policyholder a rather decent discount on your premium if your pet’s all-round health is monitored by a smart collar! The only problem I have with the Voyce smart collar is, if it does what it says it does, my girlfriend might insist upon me wearing one!

THE LAZY WAY TO FIND YOUR ‘PERFECT’ PARTNER!

instant chemistrySick of kissing frogs? Sick of going on an endless number of dates? Sick of shaving your legs, face, chest and crotch, only to end up alone…again? Sick of enduring lousy sex? Sick of forking out endless amounts of money, only to discover your date has poor eating habits and even worse bedroom habits? Sick of general masturbation? Well, fear not, for help is at hand!

‘Instant Chemistry’, a company based in Ontario, Canada, has created an ‘at-home compatibility’ test pack. The ‘kit’ tests ‘chemistry’ between two lovers, and comprises of 2 biological tests and 1 psychological test, and all for CAD $149:00 (£81:00). One test determines how people’s brains process serotonin, another analyses their genetic make-up, and all this from a simple cheek swab! Well I presume it is from a ‘face’ cheek swab, and not from the other end? I understand the instant chemistry/compatibility test kit does not take into account 2 age-old compatibility tests. The ‘spit & swallow’ bodily fluid test, and the ‘anal sex’ test. Me? Scientific breakthroughs certainly have their place, but sometimes I prefer to go ‘old school’! 

NATIONAL ‘KISSING’ DAY 2024!

national kissing dayI can’t believe I missed National Kissing Day which landed on June the 19th! For course for those of you who are not tactile by nature I guess it must have been quite ‘uncomfortable’ witnessing mere ‘acquaintances’ slobbering spit over one another! I understand National Kissing Day was quickly followed by National Cold Sore Day…HSV-1, herpes simplex virus, not to be confused with HSV-2, caused by having ‘oral’ sex with someone who suffers from genital herpes.

FANCY LIVING IN THE DARK AGES?

solar flare

According to one Daniel Baker of the University of Colorado, Earth narrowly missed being hit by a mega solar flare on July 23rd 2012 that if we had been hit by it, well, we would have been blasted back to the Dark Ages, thus ‘changing life as we know it’! Had the immense plasma cloud, travelling at 3000 km/s erupted just one week earlier, the blast site would have been facing Earth (our home planet). The resultant widespread power blackouts would have cost $2trillion to repair, and taken ages. To give you an idea how it would have affected you, since all urban water supplies rely on electric pumps, none of us would have been able to even flush a toilet! Back to the Dark Ages eh? No dumping your ‘stash’ down the bog when a police battering ram took down your front door, no internet porn or self-diagnosing ones own infectious diseases, no social media trolling, no recharging cell phones, no selfies or instagrams, no recharging sex toys some of us have come to rely upon to end the day on a ‘bang’, no recharging the batteries in your night-vision goggles that some of us have come to rely upon when out ‘peeping’ into strangers bedrooms, no microwaving mother’s slippers, no filling up the car with gas, no takeaway Chinese, pizzas or curry. Shit, no TV! Oh my God, we’d actually have had to fend for ourselves, or even worse, help our neighbours!  What a f**king liberty!

KICKSTARTER CROWDFUNDING APPEAL!

glow in the dark socks

Capital investment in a new idea is often unavailable due to the fact that the individual with the idea has no track record in product launch. Thus an online crowdfunding appeal seems the logical way to go in order to  ‘float’ your idea and to reach a large number of possible investors in the shortest period. And it’s not all ‘tech’ and gizmos that seek finance! A novel funded directly by its readers, ‘The Wake’ by Paul Kingsnorth has been longlisted for the 2014 Man Booker Prize. Typographer Adam Lewis Greene raised nearly £330,000 on Kickstarter to create a modernised ‘readable’ Bible, and has already pre-sold 5,500 copies. I myself am trying to raise £200,000 in order to launch my ‘radioactive’ bed socks that glow in the dark. Not only will they keep your feet warm on a winter’s night, but, as they glow in the dark, you will be able to see your way to the toilet or the fridge without the need to switch on the lights, disturbing your partner. PLEASE SEND MONEY!

GOUT…THE DISEASE OF KINGS!

 

gout 1

Really, and I thought the disease of kings was their penchant for living for free off the income derived from the sweat of other people’s brows? In any event, gout has returned big time! Causes include being overweight, suffering from high blood-pressure, diabetes and living on a purine-rich diet: Alcohol, some fish, yeast, organ meat (liver, kidneys, sweetbreads), dried beans and some vegetables (mushrooms, spinach, asparagus and cauliflower).

Well that’s all very interesting, but what precisely is gout? My understanding is, it is the over-production of uric acid which forms crystals in our joints, and sometimes in our tendons and ligaments too. So the uric acid we call gout is a type of arthritis, that through crystallization, causes inflammations of the joints. Although gout is common to the big toe, it can also affect the feet & ankles, knees, hands, fingers & wrists, and elbows.

TANTRIC MASSAGE!

tantric massage

A court in Baden-Wurttemberg, Germany has ruled a Stuttgart massage parlour offering full-body erotic massage falls under the same 2012 ‘amusement tax’ as other businesses that ‘specifically grant the opportunity for sexual pleasure’, such as brothels and swingers clubs, ‘because massages included the genital area’.

Monica Kochs, owner of the massage parlour argued tantric massage should not be liable for tax because her tantric service provides ‘holistic well-being  and self-awareness’, not sexual pleasure. Yeah, pull the other one! I’d love to know what the difference is between a normal massage that results in sexual arousal and a tantric massage? If climax occurs, then surely the difference is mute? My advice to Monica Kochs is, change your accountant!

POPE FRANCIS AIN’T NO GASTRONOME!

 

pope

According to L’Osservatore Romano, Pope Francis turned up unannounced at the Vatican workers’ cafeteria, lining up alongside ‘stunned’ diners with his tray. Catholic ‘number one’ chose cod, pasta, grilled toms and French fries. Afterwards, when asked whether he enjoyed the meal, the Pontiff was heard to reply, “Il merluzzo è stato cotto troppo, la pasta era asciutta, i pomodori cotti erano insipidi e le patate fritte erano inzuppate. Non pranzerò f’ucking’ ancora qui!” (The cod was over-cooked, the pasta was dry, the grilled tomatoes were tasteless and the fries were soggy. I won’t be f**king dining here again!)

VEGETABLES THAT GLOW IN THE DARK!

nuclear waste

In a previous post I blogged about a stinking, rat infested 18,000-ton waste mountain that towers 40 foot high, located in a cul-de-sac in Cornwall Drive, St Paul’s Grey in south-east London. Here, private firm Waste-4-Fuel that runs the waste disposal site has not been paying for the rubbish mound to be treated or sent on for disposal or recycling. This waste mountain is not unique to Cornwall Drive. They are everywhere! I further mentioned these rotting, waste mountains are just one of the downsides of living in a First World country. There is of course another downside to living in a ‘developed’ nation. Nuclear waste, waste that cannot be neutralised, and has a shelf life of several hundred years!

It now appears likely villages and towns in the UK will be offered a ‘sweetener’ of £40million between them just to ‘talk‘ about allowing nuclear waste to be buried nearby. This ‘no-strings’ offer was announced as government ministers seek a site for a one bunker in which to store all the nuclear waste ever produced in England & Wales. The £12billion facility to be built up to 3,280 feet underground and the size of seven Royal Albert Halls, would accommodate all the existing nuclear waste, as well as any waste produced over the next 100 years. The £40million in ‘bribe money’ is meant to shut local authorities up while engineers drill exploratory bore holes in order to determine which site is most suitable. So if you and your family end up living within spitting distance from the biggest nuclear waste dump in the country, you can expect your home-grown garden vegetables to grow big and fat and glow in the dark! It goes without saying, they are not for eating, unless of course you wish to rot from the inside out! Excuse me, but how many times have we been that told nuclear energy is clean energy? Is it possible to over-react to radioactive waste, no!

 

MAGIC PEN…IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!

【数字娱乐八卦】Lernstift:可提醒拼写错误的智能笔 随着计算机的到来,我们已经越来越...

【数字娱乐八卦】Lernstift:可提醒拼写错误的智能笔 随着计算机的到来,我们已经越来越少使用… (Photo credit: ldjjj)

The LERNSTIFT pen could make simple spelling and grammatical errors a thing of the past by gently vibrating when the writer spells a word incorrectly or writes illegibly. Vibrating eh? I suspect it may have a dual purpose, one that the makers hadn’t envisaged!

The device uses fully built-in handwriting recognition technology and software, and can process written text and detect errors in English and German as a user writes. Germans Falk Wolsky and Daniel Kaesmacher, are appealing for more financial backers in their project via digital crowdfunding company Kickstarter, and are aiming to raise £120,000. The inventers hope the pen can be produced by the end of the year.

Users can also choose between a pencil, fountain pen and ballpoint pen. The computer inside the pen is an embedded Linux system and the circuit board contains motion sensor, processor, memory, Wi-Fi and vibration modules. The pen can then ‘learn’ to pick up of variations in the user’s writing methods. So the next time you send a poison pen letter, it should be error free! Of course if the vibrating pen doesn’t appeal to calligraphers, it may well appeal to sexual perverts and bored office workers! What a great way to kickstart your day!

CANINE ‘PET’ PASSPORTS!

pet passport

I waited four bloody months to get a canine passport for Bunnee my Cavalier, only to have it rejected on a technicality, or two! ‘Please resubmit the application with new photograph. Kindly ask your dog to refrain from smiling as this makes identification difficult. Furthermore please make sure ‘Bunnee’s’ paw print remains inside the box provided’. My next door neighbour and friend Abdul had a similar problem with Ruby, his Afghan Hound. Written across her rejected passport application was, ‘Please submit fresh photograph without burka as this makes identification impossible’.

PHWOAR ‘WAR’!

transformer aircraft

BAE Systems PLC, the British multinational defence, security & aerospace company headquartered in London that employs 88,200 people (including janitors), has announced plans to build fighter planes which split in two like ‘Transformers’, self-healing aircraft, and laser beam weapon systems that are so accurate, they will be able to burn a pimple off a witch’s tit from a distance of 5-miles! All these high-tech, nanotechnology-based gizmos are expected to be unveiled by 2040! F**k me, I’d love to be alive to see all of that deployed in the skies, but I suspect 2040 actually translates into 2140! Who is actually going to pay for all that ‘research & development’? I can see £500billion going up in smoke, don’t you? And even if the new tech works, where is the government going to get the money to pay for the new planes? Present defence budgets are already cut to the bone, with the Army, Royal Ait Force and the Royal Navy bleeding from recent cuts. Nah, I think it’s all ‘pie-in-the-sky’! The ‘futurists’ who came up with these concepts, based at BAE Systems lab in Warton, Lancashire will just have to settle on playing video games for the time being. Leave it to HOLLYWOOD!