The RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) estimates there are 9000 monkeys and other primates being kept as pets in England and Wales; Chimps, marmosets, tamarins, capuchins and lemurs. In times of economic hardship many of these trainable critters have sought employment in order to relieve their owners of financial burdens. Three are training to be midwives, and hope when qualified to seek employment within the disgraced NHS. 1 is training to become a gyne…gynecol…vagina expert, 11 are trainee baristas in coffee shop chains…mostly capuchins…3 joined the Cirque Du Soleil, 6 are fully qualified hairdressers, 4 work as part-time dee jays, 11 formed a co-operative in order to open a vegetarian restaurant with the aid of a government small business loan, and 2 hope to pass psychometric tests in order to join the Territorial Army where they intend working as rain forest scouts, always assuming there are any rain forests left to scout! Of the senior citizen monkeys, 17 are studying for Open University Degrees in Computer Programming, 5 joined the U3A (University of the Third Age), 4 volunteer in citizen advice centres offering legal advice to immigrants who can’t speak English either and 9 monkeys have applied for ‘blue badges’…disabled parking permits. Regrettably 2 Howler monkeys fell foul of the law, acted as lookouts for an Albanian drug cartel, got caught and were sentenced to seventeen years incarceration in London Zoo. Well that’s just plain nuts!