THE NEW YEAR’S ‘HONOURS’ LIST HAS JUST BEEN PUBLISHED!

Die Imperial State Crown

Last year Lino Carbosiero, ‘consultant style director’ at upmarket hair salon Daniel Galvin in Marylebone, central London where a cut and blow job…DRY, BLOWDRY…costs up to £72 for men, was awarded an MBE for services to ‘hairdressing’. I remind you all it was Signore Carbosiero who revolutionised British politics by suggesting Prime Minister David Cameron’s parted his hair to the ‘left’ rather  than to the ‘right’. I’m afraid this annual handing out of ‘honours’…Knighthoods, Peerages, OBEs, CBEs and MBEs…really does put a ‘crimper‘ in my shorts! Honouring self-made entrepreneurs for making something from nothing but a seed of an idea, and ending up giving gainful employment to thousands of people is one thing, but honouring highly paid actors and actresses for ‘play-acting’, particularly those who play the Queen, is quite frankly, ridiculous! Dame Judy Dench, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Kristin Scott Thomas. Yes, they were all ennobled for their services to the ‘performing arts’, but I wonder if they would have been made ‘Dames’ if they hadn’t played our current Queen on stage or on the silver screen? There is a long history of knighting stage performances going back to the 18th century. At a time when there was no television, cinema or radio, members of the royal family were often seen attending theatre productions, so I guess it was logical to ‘reward’ individuals for entertaining them.

Hey, elevation to The House of Lords doesn’t necessarily make one a better person! Lord Taylor was jailed for a year over illegal expenses claims totalling £11,000, and Lord Hanningfield was jailed for nine months over illegal expenses claims totalling £13,379. Look, I admit a bias. I’m pro Republicanism, and anti-Monarchy/Establishment, because I see the later as a way to perpetuate the class system, which I sincerely believe is unhealthy, splitting society. I take my hat to painters Francis Bacon and LS Lowry, who both refused all honours! So too did John Cleese (actor), Danny Boyle (film director), Albert Finney (actor), Jim Broadbent (actor), Honour Blackman (actress) and Ken Loach (film director).

Look here, the British Empire is dead, Britain is bankrupt, the Chinese have finally got their own back on us for buying their tea and paying for it in opium and thus addicting millions of their countrymen, yet Buckingham Palace in collusion with the Prime Minister’s Office insist on ‘ennobling’ individuals and doling out lesser honours mainly to those individuals who have already enjoyed great success in their careers. This makes a ‘nonsense’ of David Cameron’s statement, ‘we’re all in it together!’ The Honours system perpetuates the Class system! I quite understand need to honour people who have worked tirelessly for charity, who work for the benefit of others without any thought of personal financial gain, but in actuality most recipients of honours are rewarded for just being very successful, making pot loads of money for themselves, and in the process making lots of money for the country in the form of tax. At the end of the day, no one is rewarded for trying and failing. Failure is therefore not tolerated! I for one would never refer to anyone as ‘Sir’, or ‘Dame, or ‘My Lord’. I find it all an anachronism, and quite disgusting, for often individuals are sometimes ennobled just to ‘get them on side’ and shut them up! For example, Doreen Lawence, the mother of murdered student Stephen Lawence (1993), was awarded first an OBE and was last year made a Baroness. Baroness Lawence of Clarendon criticised the police in their investigation of her son’s murder and even hinted at ‘institutionalised racism’. The purpose of the Honours List has always been to preserve the status quo and thus perpetuate the Monarchy, nothing else, and that is why England is unlikely to become a Republic. Patronage stinks, whether it is at the behest of 10 Downing Street or Buckingham Palace!

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND TO ABDICTATE!?!

TwisterShortly before Christmas, high street bookmakers were taking bets on whether Her Majesty the Queen would announce her abdication during her annual, televised Christmas message to the nation. Odds? 25/1! Of course this particular announcement didn’t occur, and I’ll tell you for why! Her Majesty had just had Buckingham Palace’s throne room re-carpeted, so she was most unlikely to announce her abdication. And what a carpet! Incorporating the ‘Twister’ theme in the weave…red, yellow, blue and green circles…where the ‘spinner’ lands determines where a visitor places his or her hands and feet. This is called the Royal Ministry of Funny Walks! So if you want to be ‘ennobled’, well your just going to have to work for it! Who says Her Majesty doesn’t have a sense of humour?

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS BANNED IN EGYPT!

gold plated lamborghini

The new Ridley Scott movie about Moses & the Jews called ‘Exodus: Gods and Kings’ has been banned in Egypt on the grounds of ‘historical inaccuracies’! Okay, it was likely the Red Sea was parted by a particularly well timed earthquake rather than by divine intervention, but why couldn’t the Jews have built the Pyramids? Excuse me, but when was the last it an Arab ever designed a school, a hospital, a dam, a canal, or any infrastructure? Christ, even Western oil companies must pump out their oil! What rose out of the desert over the last 100-years was design by, and building construction organised by architects and companies from all over the world, except from The Middle East! Why if it wasn’t for the rest of the world, the Arab nations would still be living under tents and riding camels, rather than driving gold-plated Lamborghinis! What wonderful taste Arabs have, and so, so sophisticated! Why if it was possible to have medically implanted gold-plated sphincter muscles, they’d go for that too!

GAZA FISHERMAN’S CATCH OF THE DAY… STATUE OF GREEK GOD APOLLO!

apollo

That’s typical isn’t it, you go out fishing in the Las VegasGAZA Strip and you land a centuries old, rare, naked, 500kg, life-sized bronze statue of the Greek god Apollo, only to have it seized by police because the statue offends public decency! Well that’s exactly what happened to local 26-year-old Palestinian fisherman Joudat Ghrab. who, unaware of the significance of his catch, carried it home on a donkey cart. Yes, yes, I know…so last century, or even earlier in fact! Thanks to the entrepreneurship of local Hamas militia, Apollo briefly appeared on eBay with a $500,000 (£300,000) price tag – well below the true value for a 2000 year old statue in mint condition. Naturally it was ‘collect only’. Officials at Gaza’s tourism ministry told Reuters the statue will not be shown to the public until a criminal investigation is completed into who tried to sell it. In other words Apollo will be sold for cash to a very private collector and will never see the light of day again!

Meanwhile over in Syria Islamic fundamentalists have started to destroy archaeological treasures such as Byzantine mosaics and Greek and Roman statues because their portrayal of human beings is contrary to their religious beliefs. Go figure!

 

THE MOST POPULAR CHRISTMAS PRESENT 2014!

drone 1No, not a flat screen television, not a puppy or talking dolly, or even a pregnancy testing kit, but a remote-controlled drone with on-board camera! Jeez Louise, we’re turning into a nation of snoopers! I believe in ‘live and let live’. Furthermore, I have no illusions what people are capable of, therefore the last thing I want to do is snoop in order to confirm my worst fears!

Meanwhile, energy suppliers have warned that drones given as Christmas presents could hit power lines and cause blackouts. Might not terrorists/anarchists purposely fly drones into power lines, thus blacking out entire communities? This is exactly what happened recently at an industrial park not two miles from my home. Some idiot flew a UAV straight into a power line! Cohen & Scott, makers of fine clerical clothing to the Church of England, had to send everyone home for two days, as did the factory next door. Dildo & Baggins, under licence from the Holy See, make bespoke ‘glow in the dark’, rechargeable dildos and vibrators. Seriously, with the power out, how on earth can you test if your product range actually does glow in the dark if you can’t charge it? With the sex toy supply line interrupted, the Vatican had to think of another kind of gift to offer visiting dignitaries. How f**king embarrassing!

CITY LINK COURIER COMPANY GOES BUST!

city link

Better Capital, the private equity form behind City Link have called time on the operation, a company Better Capital bought for £1:00 in April 2013, a courier company that presumably only ever lost money? Once again however it is left to the British Government, using taxpayers money to shell out redundancy payments for 2,700 employees! What the hell is going on? Either City Link is a private company, or it is not? Furthermore, no mention has been made of the 54 City Link ‘leased’ depots around the country. In whose name are they, Better capital, or City Link? Can the leases be reassigned, and if so, to whose benefit? Private equity rarely makes a loss on anything!

OPEN LETTER TO INTER-GALACTIC EXTRATERRESTRIAL VISITORS!

flying saucer 1

To whom it may concern!

Please don’t bother to shit, shower and shave before visiting planet Urf, and in particular, London. In fact, don’t bother to come at all! In potholed London, its impossible to find a parking space for a car, let alone for a spaceship, and pedestrians only have 6-seconds to cross the roads before the traffic lights change from green to red, so the likelihood is, you’re gonna get run over! Now unless you use self repairing, alien nanotechnology, you can expect to wait a shit load of time before an ambulance turns up. Arriving at A & E, you can expect to wait at least 8-hours to be seen by a part-qualified, non-English speaking doctor, longer if you need an interpreter, which I suspect you might!

If you expect a warm welcome upon your arrival, you will be disappointed. Without a credit history, you don’t exist, and everyone who is in a position of authority is on the take! The population is general surly, and many of us don’t take kindly to immigrants who bring nothing to the dinner table! If your visit is vacation related, well do bear in mind there are at least 30-wars waging at any one time, so you might find holes in the deck chairs and shrapnel in your pina coladas. If your visit is intended to be a trade mission, you had better bugger off to a place called China, and that’s in Asia. The Chinese make everything from condoms that burst upon entry, to paint with lead in it. If of course your intention is to invade, conquer and return home with millions of domestic slaves, well, we in the West don’t like f**king working too hard between tea breaks, and we eat like f**king horses. On the other hand, if you intend to mate with our men and women in order to save your species from extinction, well, someone’s already crapped in our gene pool. Consequently Earthlings comprise more than two sexes. Furthermore, many of us enjoy unprotected sex, and as a consequence live with sexually transmitted diseases, diabetes and uncontrollable flatulence! If however your invasion plan depends on you stripping planet Urf of its valuable natural resources, well you’re about fifty years too late. We’ve already stripped the place of any valuables in order to state zombie-like into coloured screens from which we learn next to nothing!

In conclusion, if you intend to land despite my warnings, avoid making your presence known on bank holidays, for we of the planet Urf will trample you under foot in the search for discounted goods such as fridge freezers, TVs and china plates too good to eat off!

NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES 30 SHORT-RANGE ROCKETS!!

missiles

North Korea recently launched 30 short-range rockets into the sea off its east coast. Bearing in mind the Korean Peninsula remains officially at war because the Korean War ended with an armistice, not a peace treaty, has this artillery ejaculation anything to do a series of protests against ongoing U.S.-South Korean military drills, err, no! The truth is, firing short-range missiles into the sea is the quickest way for the impoverished North Korean mutants to get fish up to the surface quickly! Bloody uncivilized method of fishing if you ask me! Oy, use dynamite like the rest of us and give the haddock a sporting chance!

 

 

I RUINED CHRISTMAS!

goose

Following last Sunday’s pre-Christmas luncheon at my sister’s which I ruined by opening up a few old family wounds, I’ve just returned home from my aunt Susan’s family Christmas Day luncheon which I was accused of ruining too. Yes, I admit, I did it, but it had to be done. I really can’t stand innuendo, insincerity and injustice! I’d kept my mouth shut for far too long a period! If you don’t like someone, say so, and why, but what caused me to burst out laughing, was the fact aunt Susan said she’d spent hundreds of pounds on food, and several hours preparing the spread! Honestly, when someone drops a plate in front of me with what looked like a bloody turd on it, one has to question what the bloody hell was going on? The centrepiece of the meal was supposed to be goose. Well, all I can say is, the goose must have died from old age! It was almost a shame the bird had to fly in all the way from Canada to be so badly treated. The plate of food looked disgusting, and the taste didn’t disappoint. I didn’t eat anything on account I was asked to leave, and believe me when I say the request to vamoose came not a moment too soon! How on earth a woman in her fifties who had raised four children could cook so badly remains a f**king mystery to me. I swear to you, I feed my Cavalier Bunnee better cuisine! If Henry the Eight had been served food like that, heads would have rolled and war might have broken out! Anyway, for a man like me with a particularly sensitive colon, I figure I had a lucky escape!  I wonder who’s feeding me on New Year’s Day? I’m open to offers. Oh, if you’re wondering whether I intend behaving badly, I can assure you, I do!

WHAT IS THE WEST DOING ‘PALING’ UP TO THE SAUDIS?

saudi driving ban

Two Saudi women detained for nearly a month after defying a ban on women driving were recently referred to a court established to try terrorism cases! Apparently the two women involved are not being tried at the Specialised Criminal Court in Riyadh for driving, but for voicing certain opinions online. Yeah, right! As in most Arab countries, women can cook and give birth, but that’s it! So how are the Saudis any different to ISIS, or any other Islamist terrorist group wishing to install Sharia Law into a land? Let’s not kid ourselves, why if it wasn’t for oil, the West would have withdrawn their support for Saudi Arabia decades ago, and by now the that particular monarchy would be in the hands of its enemies! The again, who would the West sell arms too, arms the Saudis only ever use for show!

Many years ago I read an unconfirmed report, that during the Potsdam Conference, in Berlin, 1945, at which the victorious, allied world leaders decided the fates of Germany and most of Eastern Europe, someone suggested turning the exhausted Allied armies around and sending them back to the Middle east in order to take control of every single oil well. It is doubtful this off the cuff suggestion was ever recorded in the minutes of the numerous Potsdam meetings. Hindsight, considered the perfect science, perhaps the suggestion should have been acted upon? The Western World might have enjoyed permanently low oil prices, and probably not suffered from acts or terrorism, which has often been funded by the same individuals the West buys oil from! Anyway, without access to a time machine, no one will ever know!

PLEASE SPARE A THOUGHT FOR THE HOMELESS AT CHRISTMAS!

homeless man

It is estimated online shoppers in the UK will spend another £636million on Christmas Day. Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for a healthy credit line, some of them might be homeless too!

While many of us are busy over-indulging and back-slapping during the festive season, tens of thousands of adults and children remain homeless. Certainly some of the homeless opt to be without a roof over their heads, but just because an individual doesn’t choose to buy in to our consumer society, it doesn’t make them any less deserving of our consideration. The majority of those people living rough have had the choice of ‘no fixed abode’ made for them. If you are not inclined to do anything for someone less fortunate than you, at least spare a thought for them, after all, humility as a character trait is a strength, not a weakness. It is a horrible feeling to be alone and friendless! If I’m perfectly honest, if it hadn’t been for the kindness of strangers, I too might be living under the stars!

HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVE OVER CHRISTMAS!

bastards

If you’ve been dining on plain old, dried up turkey and soggy roast spuds, washed down with cheap plonk, do please spare a thought for our self-serving politicians who dine on superb cuisine at our expense!

The Christmas menu in the Palace of Westminster’s Stranger’s Dining Room includes; Chargrilled partridge with roast pear, squash and game chips, £9:25p. Roast Norfolk turkey breast wrapped in smoked pancetta, with chestnut stuffing,  piccolo parsnips plus all the trimmings, £12:00. Confit of halibut with lemon verbena plus all the trimmings, £15:00. If however you prefer to dine informally, well, our leaders couldn’t do better than to dine in the Portcullis Cafeteria. Braised guinea fowl breast plus all the trimmings, £4:00. Perhaps your MP would prefer the baked fillet of salmon in puff pastry plus all the…£4:00. Grilled salmon fillet marinated in vodka, £4:00. The cost of feeding our ‘leaders’? Try £3million a year just for food! I’d hate to reveal what the drinks bill is! Is it any wonder there is an epidemic of Type 2 Diabetes in the British Parliament! Of course the figures I’ve mentioned pale into insignificance when one peruses the food and drinks bills our MEPs run up at our expense in Brussels. God bless the status quo!

CHRISTMAS CHEER!

christmas cheer

For some people Christmas is a joyous time of the year, but not for everyone. There are more attempted suicides over the Christmas holidays than at any other time of the year. Hey, people get lonely and despondent! There are more family bust ups, as old wounds are reopened. There are more phone calls to emergency plumbers, begging them to unblock toilets. There are more pregnancies over Christmas than at any other time of the year. I suspect this is due to drink and the number of repeats the BBC airs. Why, in the first two weeks of January more couples seek out divorce lawyers that at any other time of the year too. Everyone else? We face the new year fatter, and broke! I bet some gluttons for punishment are already planning…next Christmas!

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS & HEALTH & SAFETY…TWIN EVILS!

 

health & safety

In the current climate we find ourselves living in, we can’t say ‘boo to a goose’ without an anal politician labelling us members of a ‘dangerous’ fringe organisation bent on pulling down the citadel! Likewise, a police officer is unable to climb a stepladder because he or she hasn’t been properly trained in how to put one foot in front of the other!

Recently most of Western Europe celebrated the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings in Normandy. Known as the Battle of Normandy, it was in France that British, French and American troops landed on 5 beaches and took the fight to the enemy. Am I allowed to say…Germans? But let’s hark back for a moment to 1940, and to the Dunkirk Evacuation, otherwise known as Operation Dynamo, and colloquially as the Miracle of Dunkirk! Between 27th may and 4th June 338,000 British, French and Belgium troops were safely evacuated from the Dunkirk beaches and harbour by a fleet of 800 boats; 39 British destroyers, and a flotilla of hundreds of merchant marine boats, fishing boats, pleasure craft and lifeboats that had all set sail from Britain. Had the army with its back to the sea not been so rescued, cut off and surrounded as they were by the Germany army, it is doubtful there would have been a D-Day landing! But what is my point? It is simply this! Had World War Two been fought today, and the colossal disaster of Dunkirk repeated, it is highly likely the 338,000 men would be lost, and why, because the Health & Safety Executive would no doubt prevent the flotilla of ‘Little ships of Dunkirk’ ever sailing. Each boat would be personally inspected by a ‘jobsworth’ before receiving a certificate of seaworthiness, while captains would be instructed under a penalty of prosecution not to overload their crafts. By the time any boat set sail, the allied beached army will have been decimated by artillery and machine-gun fire! Listen, I’m all for making society ‘child friendly’ and our streets, buildings and factories as safe as humanly possible, but not if it grinds Industry to a halt! You can’t save everyone from perishing in an accident. That is life. People die! Only God can save everyone, and He is conspicuous by His absence! Of course it doesn’t help when you pack a tiny island with so many people, and encourage everyone who works and lives in London to get on a bicycle!

 

OH HOW MACABRE!

bad taste

Short of money, London’s Metropolitan Police have already sold off the New Scotland Yard building, that will shortly be turned into a hotel. Still unable to balance the books, 20,000 grisly exhibits linked to some of Britain’s most notorious criminals such as Jack the Ripper and Dennis Nilsen are about to go on display at the Museum of London for the very first time, after years hidden away in Scotland Yard’s famous Black Museum. I hope you’ve got the price of admission and of course, a strong stomach! Gawking at the belongings of monsters about sums up our modern society! I wonder how the relatives of the recently deceased feel about it all?