To whom it may concern!
Please don’t bother to shit, shower and shave before visiting planet Urf, and in particular, London. In fact, don’t bother to come at all! In potholed London, its impossible to find a parking space for a car, let alone for a spaceship, and pedestrians only have 6-seconds to cross the roads before the traffic lights change from green to red, so the likelihood is, you’re gonna get run over! Now unless you use self repairing, alien nanotechnology, you can expect to wait a shit load of time before an ambulance turns up. Arriving at A & E, you can expect to wait at least 8-hours to be seen by a part-qualified, non-English speaking doctor, longer if you need an interpreter, which I suspect you might!
If you expect a warm welcome upon your arrival, you will be disappointed. Without a credit history, you don’t exist, and everyone who is in a position of authority is on the take! The population is general surly, and many of us don’t take kindly to immigrants who bring nothing to the dinner table! If your visit is vacation related, well do bear in mind there are at least 30-wars waging at any one time, so you might find holes in the deck chairs and shrapnel in your pina coladas. If your visit is intended to be a trade mission, you had better bugger off to a place called China, and that’s in Asia. The Chinese make everything from condoms that burst upon entry, to paint with lead in it. If of course your intention is to invade, conquer and return home with millions of domestic slaves, well, we in the West don’t like f**king working too hard between tea breaks, and we eat like f**king horses. On the other hand, if you intend to mate with our men and women in order to save your species from extinction, well, someone’s already crapped in our gene pool. Consequently Earthlings comprise more than two sexes. Furthermore, many of us enjoy unprotected sex, and as a consequence live with sexually transmitted diseases, diabetes and uncontrollable flatulence! If however your invasion plan depends on you stripping planet Urf of its valuable natural resources, well you’re about fifty years too late. We’ve already stripped the place of any valuables in order to state zombie-like into coloured screens from which we learn next to nothing!
In conclusion, if you intend to land despite my warnings, avoid making your presence known on bank holidays, for we of the planet Urf will trample you under foot in the search for discounted goods such as fridge freezers, TVs and china plates too good to eat off!