SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED 5 NEW PLANETS!

pineapple

Nasa’s Kepler space telescope has discovered yet five more new planets we will never reach! One planet is made entirely of Gouda cheese, another avocado, a third, pineapple, the forth, marzipan. The fifth new planet is a huge black cherry with liquid Kirsch as its core. The fear is, should any two new planets collide, a fresh salad of mega proportions would hurl towards Earth, threatening red meat eaters. Meanwhile, head of ‘cleaning resources’ has suggested actually cleaning Kepler’s lens! Sounds like a plan to me!

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WHAT A ‘FRACKING’ LIBERTY!

no fracking way

In his first Christmas Day sermon, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverend Justin Welby, the senior bishop and principal ‘mouthpiece’  of the Church of England, said in his address at Canterbury Cathedral; ‘Even in a recovering economy, Christians, the  servants of a vulnerable and poor saviour, need to act to serve and love the poor.’ He went on to say, ‘No  society can be content where misery and want exist, unless, through our love collectively, we also challenge the greed and selfishness behind it.’

Oh really? The C of E, already with assets valued at £7.3 billion, has begun legal action to claim ancient mineral rights beneath thousands of homes and farms (500,000 acres), prompting fears the ‘cash-strapped’ church could seek to cash in on fracking profits! Christian charity? Be off with you! Furthermore, I don’t suppose the C of E will ever frack beneath the land belonging to the 42 odd bishops residences, which are each valued on average at £2.2 million! It should come as no shock that the Arch Bish of Cant has recently admitted the C of E pays some workers less than the living wage!

With no legal recourse, if the land beneath my home was subject to a religious ‘land grab’, I guess I’d have no choice but to grin and bear it! I might even take advantage of drilling beneath my feet! I’d make two martinis, ‘shaken not stirred’ and take them into the bedroom. My girlfriend and I would take our clothes off, get into bed and assume the missionary position, but do no more. Once the fracking began, foundation vibrations would stir the martinis and cause me to cum!

 

WHAT DID THE JEWS EVER DO TO YOU?

English: Flag of Israel with the Mediterranean...

English: Flag of Israel with the Mediterranean sea in the background, in Rishon LeZion. עברית: דגל ישראל בראשון לציון (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani has been quoted as saying, “Israel is a wound on the body of Islam and should be removed.” Rouhani, who has pledged to follow a “path of moderation”, reportedly made his comments after taking part in a pro-Palestine rally in Tehran on in August 2013. Of course Israel can never be forgiven for WINNING every war it has ever fought!

On the same day, and according to Al Jazeera news agency, Rouhani’s predecessor Mahmoud Ahmed-dinner-jacket announced: “I will inform you with God as my witness, a devastating storm is on the way that will uproot the basis of Zionism.”

Rouhani and Ahmed-dinner-jacket were addressing crowds separately at International Al Quds Day – the last Friday of the Islamic month of Ramadan. Iran does not recognise Israel and uses the occasion to express support for Palestinians and emphasise the importance of Jerusalem for Muslims.

If you want to know my opinion, some people are just dead jealous that European Jews took a strip of desert and turned it into an oasis! Historically of course, Christianity did more harm to the Arab people than Zionists have ever done. Without Russia holding up Iranian trousers, well, I doubt we’d hear any rhetoric out of them!  If control of Jerusalem is the only thing that’s stopping the Israelis and the Arab Peoples becoming kissing cousins, well perhaps full control of the holy city should be handed over to the United Nations?

YOU’RE FULL OF HOT AIR!

wide load 1

Struggling ambulance services will receive an £11 million funding from the British Government. Why? The tyres belonging to the new, wider ambulances dedicated to picking up and delivering really fat people are deflating far more quickly than tyres attached to the wheels of ambulances that carry regular size people. Furthermore, tyre treads on heavy-duty ambulances are wearing thin, and quickly! So how is this £11 million to be spent? Would you believe on Norwegian compressed air? Apparently ‘Viking’ air has less impurities in it, and is considered perfect to keep our heavy-duty ambulance tyres inflated! Thus f**king fatties can look forward to a smooth ride, and I’m one of them!

HI VIZ, HOW ARE YOU?

hi-viz vests

I recently read about Greg Rutherford, the Olympic long jump gold medallist, who upon finding an injured stag in the road, carried it 2-miles to a vet. Well good on him. Not many of us would have done that! Having ‘purloined’ hundreds of square miles of animals natural habitats in order to build houses, industrial estates, roads, motorways and railway tracks, it is inevitable deer and foxes end up as road kill. Why only the other day, 2-policemen were sacked for beating an injured deer to death using a crowbar. It occurs to me we have a ‘duty of care’ to the former tenants of the land. My idea? Hi-viz vests should be issued to all deer, foxes and badgers. Naturally I don’t want to be the one to put them on the creatures. I’d leave that to members of the Forestry Commission. Good luck there!

JEWS ARE NOT AS CLEVER AS YOU MIGHT THINK!

Jews praying in the Synagogue on Yom Kippur. (...

Jews praying in the Synagogue on Yom Kippur. (1878 painting by Maurycy Gottlieb) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Instead of accepting a barren strip of land in the Middle East with their backs to the sea and deadly enemies on three sides, surely the post WW2 Jews would have been far better off buying a very nice Caribbean island where they could chill whilst exporting coconut milk? Perhaps oil would still be $3 a barrel! Now I can’t quite remember who said it, but someone did once say that if Israel didn’t exist, someone would have to invent it. The Middle East in a permanent state of unease guarantees an unrealistic and unfair price for a barrel of oil, a world-wide product of which there is a GLUT of. Frankly I object to having to pay £7 for a small tub of hair gel (oil by-product) just to keep my Mohawk stiff!

THAT’S RIGHT…BLAME THE JEWS AGAIN!

HOLLYWOOD SIGN

That fine Hollywood-based British actor Gary Oldman has been criticised for allegedly supporting Hollywood-based Australian actor Mel Gibson’s 2008 anti-Semitic comments in reference to Hollywood being run entirely by Jews. First of all, if Hollywood is indeed run by Jews, so the f**k what? After all, it was Jewish immigrants who created the movie industry that so many people earn their livings from;

Carl Laemme=Universal (now owned by Comcast Corp/NBC)

Adolph Zukor, Jesse L. Lasky=Paramount (now owned by Viacom)

Harry Cohn=Columbia (now owned by Sony Pictures Entertainment/Sony Corp)

Jack warner & Bros=Warner Brothers (now owned by TimeWarner)

Joseph Schenck & Darryl F. Zanuck=20th Century Fox (now owned by Rupert Murdock/NewsCorp)

*Jews may still run Hollywood but they no longer own it.

UNION JACK LOWERED AFTER DEATH OF SAUDI KING!

sycophant

Following the death of tyrannical ruler King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, who only recently upheld the public beheading of a woman and the inflicting of 1000 lashed on a blogger, on instructions from Whitehall, Union Jack flags were lowered across England & Wales. Indeed, Prince Charles (representing the Queen) and Prime Minister David Cameron both flew to the Middle East to attend King Abdullah’s funeral. The Government is now facing demands to reassess Britain’s relationship with the Monarchical regime. Why? The truth is, Saudi Arabia is Britain’s best customer when it comes to buying armaments, particularly its air force. Thousands of people in Britain’s defence industry remain fully employed thanks to Saudi buying power. Indeed, Britain’s Ministry of Justice has already bid on a £5.9 billion contract to run Saudi Arabia’s prisons. Yes, the government’s conduct over the death of King Abdullah does leave a nasty taste in my mouth too, but do remember, my country is £2 trillion in debt! If our leaders must prostrate themselves, then they must, after all, business is cutthroat. If we didn’t sell to the Saudis, someone else would, so let’s leave emotion out of it please! Do remember too, Arab money helped prop up some of our banks after the 2008 financial debacle. Britain is no longer Great Britain, and hasn’t been for quite some time!

 

BREAST IMPLANTS GOING ‘BUST’!

breast implantThe number of breast implant operations dropped by nearly a quarter last year in the UK. Perhaps if cosmetic surgeons offered a ‘two for the price of one’ special, the industry might benefit from a ‘boost’? I don’t suppose the French ‘PIP’ substandard breast implant scandal of December 2013 did anything to heighten patient confidence in the product? Just as the ‘lion emblem’ on all British eggs ensures ‘quality’, a similar quality assurance should be stamped on breast implants. Greater controls would have ensured industrial grade silicon encased in a single skin capsule rather than a double skin capsule would never have found its way onto the market! Until confidence is restored, women are concentrating on ‘tweaking’ the other parts of their bodies, above and below the breast line.

Meanwhile, Muslims have been blamed for the demise of Page Three in the Sun newspaper. Frankly I think that’s a load of rubbish! Staring at pictures of static topless women is so yesterday. Online porn offers far more satisfaction, so I’m told! On a personal note, on the rare occasions I buy take-away fish & chips, the fish always seems to taste better when wrapped in a copy of the Sun’s Page Three!

THERE IS ‘SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK’.

 

NHS 1

As you know the quote is from ‘Hamlet’. The quote could easily apply to the state of the British National Health Service! Oh how many times must I blog on the subject? Frankly I’m as sick of writing about British ‘cut price’ healthcare system as you must be in reading about it! While my ‘democratic’ government is busy giving away £13billion every year in foreign aid ‘as a matter of government policy’, and to people who have never voted our government into office, some NHS hospital trusts have started rationing hearing aids for the deaf! Thousands of people are being offered only one hearing aid device when often they need two! This cost-cutting exercise saves the NHS £90:00 per person. It is only a matter of time when patients born with club feet are offered just one orthopaedic shoe instead of two! Democracy in the UK is still not working!!

HARLEY-DAVIDSON BLESSED BY POPES!

Harley-Davidson

A Softail Classic Harley-Davidson motorbike blessed by not one Pope, but by two Popes is expected to fetch £20,000 when it goes under the hammer at Bonhams auction house in Paris. Popes Benedict and Francis must certainly have had God’s ear, for the motorcycle that usually offers a rider a frugal 34-miles per gallon in the city, can actually boast of 80 mpg! That must of been some blessing!

YOU CAN’T DEFAME THE DEAD!

reputations

Well you can’t, because the dead don’t have rights, and nor do a deceased’s family members have any legal recourse to defend/protect a loved one’s reputation! So I guess it’s up to history to protect or denounce the actions of the dead. It is worth noting, in modern times history is forever being rewritten!

In recent years it has become popular sport to trash someone’s reputation because they are no longer around to defend themselves! Rightly or wrongly it appears public figures are fair game! Sometimes ‘evidence’ of illegality or ‘irresponsibility’ that would not stand up in a court of law when a public figure was alive, is good enough to smear them once they die. Sometimes there is no evidence at all. Political commentators simply love assessing someone’s achievements or lack of them. Here in the UK it is popular to trash Winston Churchill’s rep and that of Margaret Thatcher’s too. Hindsight is indeed a perfect science, but you had to ‘be there’ to truly assess an individual’s competence. Everyone who wields power makes mistakes, because a leader is only as good as the ministers who surround you, and the information handed to you! A good example of this might be PM Tony Blair and the ‘weapons of mass destruction’ that allegedly could be deployed in 45-minutes by Saddam Hussein! This misinformation led to the invasion of Iraq, an invasion that so many politicians now regret.

Both Churchill and Thatcher have been referred to as ‘democratic dictators’. Political commentators have suggested Winston Churchill could not operate in a modern political forum. Utter nonsense! The man would have adapted to changing circumstances. Margaret Thatcher has been vilified by the Far-left, particularly with her involving MI5 in destroying Union power, a power that at the time (1980s) was said to be destroying Britain’s manufacturing base. Excuse me, but if you cannot fulfil a contract, you won’t get a contract!

The European Currency Unit (ECU) was conceived in March 1979. It was replaced by the Euro in 1999. This currency was introduced across Europe in January 2002. Every time the subject was raised during Mrs Thatcher’s reign as Prime Minister of Great Britain, she would have rejected dropping Sterling in favour of the Euro. Had the ‘feared’ Iron Lady not fought against scuppering the Pound, we in Britain would now be in the same boat as the rest of Europe! It is precisely because we cling on to 1000-years of Sterling that every nation on earth is ploughing money into the UK! Our little island is seen as a financial safe haven. More power to Thatcher’s elbow! To have real insight into the goings on behind closed doors, one must have been privy to the meetings. In conclusion, whether you agree with someone’s politics or not, how many of us would be prepared to sacrifice our health for a life of public service? The kind of ‘grit’ Churchill and Thatcher displayed doesn’t exist anymore. Most of the current crop of politicians are corrupt and self-serving!!

Perhaps a law should be passed to prevent academics/journalists trashing the reputations belonging to historical figures who served their nation to the best of their ability while the dead still have living relatives. I say this because the Mail on Saturday just published a two-page spread denouncing Winston Churchill as gay.

SISTER ACT…GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!

nun spyingWith the blessing of Pope Francis, and funded by the European Union, London’s Metropolitan Police Force has drafted in 450 plain-clothed nuns from a Spanish Order to help them crack slavery and trafficking in the boroughs of Kensington, Chelsea and Westminster. Accompanying police officers on late-night raids, the nuns from South America, Spain and India belonging to the Spanish Order calm victims and then rehouse them. So far 250 kidnapped women have been discovered in one year alone! For reasons of health & safety, those sisters involved in the raids have undergone small arms training at the Metro Police firing range in Marylebone and martial arts training, which included of course the use of Chinese throwing stars. I’d hate to come up against a plain-clothed nun in the dark who has God at her back!

TUTANKHAMUN LOSES HIS DIGNITY!

king tut

Boy pharaoh Tutankhamun’s golden burial mask that survived 3,300 years, was recently damaged when an alleged ‘cleaner’ broke off the beard, which was subsequently, hastily reattached using superglue! Any competent antiquities restorer will tell you the beard should have been lovingly reattached using chewing gum!Funny how Tutankhamun travelled the world since he was discovered 92-years ago and to my knowledge never suffered any damage while in transit? It sounds to me the Egyptian Museum of Cairo could do with a few health & safety inspectors on its payroll. Why not take some of ours, after all the UK has a surfeit of them!