cold calling

Well I bloody well am! I get them on a regular basis on both my mobile phone and my land line, despite inclusion on the Telephone Preference (opting out) Service (TPS)! Most cold calls are from humans with thick accents located thousands of miles away in the Indian subcontinent, but some calls are recorded messages on all manner of things…will writing, Payment Protection Insurance (PPI) refunds, bank account over-charging refunds, warranties on white goods and computers, boiler insurance…the list goes on and on!  If I bought all the warranties I truly needed, I’d be living on beans on toast! Meanwhile the British Government has been energised in to taking action after ministers heard evidence that six in ten householders are reluctant to answer their phones because of the menace of nuisance calling. ‘Action’ is much larger fines, and holding bosses personally liable. Really? Of what good is that when 90% of the cold calls emanate from call centres in India?

If people insist on bothering me at the most inopportune moment, well I’ve decided to have some fun!My standard replies to cold callers are:

1) “Can I speak to…”

“No you bloody well can’t. He’s died a horrible death involving a RED HOT POKER. Do you want the details?”

2) “Can I speak to…”

“That depends, are you PSYCHIC? The geezer you want to speak to died of HEMORRHAGIC FEVER. The one where all your INTERNAL ORGANS LIQUIFY. So if you’re phoning to try to sell me a JUICER, you can jolly well FUCK OFF!”

3) “Can I speak to Mrs…”

“Oh what a shame, you’re ten minutes too late. I’ve just BURIED the COW in the back garden!”

4) “Have you had an accident in the last…”

“Yeah, I’ve just PISSED MYSELF!

5) “Can I speak to…”

“That depends, are you trying to SELL me something?” (He says not). “In that case get off the bloody phone. This line’s only for SALESPERSONS!”

6) “Can I speak to…”

“Only if you want to come round for a FULL BODY MASSAGE from someone with LEPROSY!”

7) “Can I speak to…”

“I think you have the wrong number. This is the Watford STD clinic. Unless you’re suffering from a rather nasty genital infection, I suggest you hang up and re-dial!”





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