DRACULA’S CASTLE…YOURS FOR £50 MILLION AND CHANGE!

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Available to rent for weddings, bar mitzvahs and wakes, Count Dracula’s Transylvanian castle…real name ‘Bran’ Castle has been put on the open market by the current owners. If interested, New York law firm Herzfeld & Rubin are handling the sale and will no doubt be delighted to hear from you since the Romanian Government doesn’t want anything to do with the little hilltop fix-me-upper! I wonder why? Dating back to 1211, you will not be surprised to learn Bran Castle is in need of a spot of renovation in order to reach EU standards of ‘child friendliness’. Wi-Fi enabled, for £50 million the new buyer will get all the fixtures and fittings thrown in. This includes several hanging…bats and blood-soaked medieval tapestries. Heated all-year-round by throwing peasants onto an open fire, the new owner will have no need to apply for an EU heating subsidy. And if your concern is over storage space, well there’s ample room to lay down your collection of coffins…err, wine, for I have been reliably informed there is a sizable crypt. Since restoring the turrets and masonry alone will set you back a cool mil, I personally wouldn’t pay a penny more than £44 million, but that’s just me! It is worth noting that DraculaBran Castle attracts over 560,000 visitors a year, many of whom never reappear until dusk, so if you’re worried about becoming lonely, don’t be! Oh, apparently the new owner can keep the existing telephone number…Transylvania 65000! Good luck, and if you get into any trouble…don’t f**king call me!

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