Having just sold my invention…how to turn wine into water…for a considerable sum, I find myself with quite a lot of time on my hands. After careful consideration I have decided to buy myself an air balloon and, following in the footsteps of Phileas Fogg intend going around the world in 80 days! I will however have to break with tradition and take with me an ample supply of Walkers ‘sour cream & chive’ crips for I don’t much care for Phileas Fogg crips! Naturally I will take with me a further ample supply of smoke salmon cream cheese bagels, pickled gherkins together with a gross of chocolate elcairs, although I’m not quite sure how the altitude will affect the filling? It goes without saying my balloon will be equipped with Wi-Fi for my tablet and an outside toilet! My main concern is however, will I make it around the world in one piece, or will I be blown out of the sky by a heat seeking missile belonging to the Russians, the Chinese, the North Koreans, the Iranians, the Nigerians, the…oh fuck, I wonder how much a Kevlar coated balloon would cost me, and do Kevlar make bespoke underpants?