The upcoming UK general erection is expected to be a close run race. Worried that UKIP will split the vote, forcing the Government into another uncomfortable Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition, that MPs have been ordered to get out into their wards early and knock on doors. Honestly, between nuisance cold-calling phone calls ands MPs or their reps rapping on my front door, I haven’t had time for a decent shit in two whole weeks! The Conservative Member of Parliament offered to mow my lawn and whitewash the house if I voted for the sitting government. When I explained I had a tiny lawn, but a large rear patio, well God bless the man, he offered to steam clean my rear! Now the labour candidate, upon hearing what I’d been offered for my vote, begged me to let him give me a pedicure and an anal bleach! The Liberal Democrat candidate trumped that offer with a promise of a year’s worth of free haircuts for me and six months worth of ‘landscaping’ for my girlfriend! The Green Party candidate promised me free loft insulation and solar panels for my roof despite the fact that my roof wasn’t north facing, while the UKIP candidate promised me the use of six, Eastern European slave labourers until the end of 2015. Spoiled for choice, I’ve decided to cast my vote in favour of the Monster Raving Loony Party. They make more sense to me!