keep calm and carry on masturbating

Based upon data gathered from Nasa’s Kepler space telegraphtelescope, we are led to believe there are thousands of planets in deep space, and all with similar atmospheres to our own. However the catch is, the nearest one is 1000 light years away, and using currently available propulsion systems, it would take 1000 years to reach it! Astronuts and an assortment of space travellers would die before they ever got to their destination, from things like old age, hunger, thirst, murder, boredom, technical breakdowns and sexually transmitted diseases. Unless the crew harnessed the kinetic energy of general masturbation to propel their spaceship at genital speed, I can’t see how one could reduce the travel time!


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