When I was nine and my sister was only six, we had a 19-year-old, live in, busty Austrian nanny called Helga, who impressed the hell out of me with her ability to write on a wall with a biro lodged between her toes, but as it turned out that was not the young lady’s only talent! Helga was no ‘Maria’, and nor as it turned out was she a nun in the making, for digit calligraphy was not her only talent!

One afternoon when she and I were alone in the house, Helga emerged from the bathroom completely naked. Having spotted my ‘stiffy’, she said, “David, I vont you to touch me.” I pointed my right index finger, reached up and touched Helga’s forehead. “Nein, lower…dummkopf!” I removed my fingertip from the young woman’s forehead and placed it on the tip of her…nose. “David, I’m goink to teach you all about sex!” Helga took me by the hand and led me towards her bedroom.

“Will it ever go down,” I asked, two hours later, “or am I permanently disfigured?” Secret sex with Helga continued for six whole months, until she returned to Salzburg. Four years later I found myself standing in front of the congregation at Alyth Gardens Synagogue in north-west London. The Rabbi spoke about what a Bar Mitzvah meant and the ‘coming of age’, when a boy becomes a man. I didn’t have the heart to tell the Rabbi I was already a man, for  I’d ‘shot my load’ several times, with a partner and solo! Yes, Helga had committed a crime. Today, if found out she would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and I would be offered sympathy and psychological counselling, when all I would really want would be even more sex!

Cut to present day! Yoga instructor Linda Randomski, 32, allegedly got drunk at a bar mitzvah celebration in Scottsdale, Arizona, and urged boys between the ages of 11 and 15 to fondle her breasts. Allegedly, Randomski even gave one boy a blowjob! She now faces sexual misconduct charges! Clearly the yoga instructor bent over backwards to ingratiate herself! Smiley faces all round then? It is said Jews are obsessed with the accumulation of wealth, whereas in fact they are even more obsessed with sex!



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