WHINING ABOUT WINE!

wine 1

It’s my mother’s birthday today, so I popped into my local supermarket at 9:22 this morning and spent a good 3-minutes selecting a decent white wine to go with a celebratory birthday seafood meal. I picked up a Chilean Sauvignon and took it to the checkout only to be told the supermarket can’t sell alcohol before 10:00am. Bearing in mind certain pubs and bars hold 24-hour licences, I don’t see why this ‘archaic’ licensing rule pertaining to the purchase alcohol still exists? Does society, and particularly the Church of England hierarchy, who are traditionally consulted on such moral conundrums, really think this extra hour of sobriety is going to make a significant inroad into stemming alcohol abuse? Is an alcoholic more likely or less likely to smash-up a supermarket between 9-10, rather than between 10-11? Pathetic! Continuing on this theme, some shops but all shopping malls in England don’t open until 11am on Sundays. This too is ridiculous when you consider one can buy anything online 24/7! Religion may be strong but it doesn’t carry as much weight as a credit card!

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DO YOU SUFFER FROM BODY DYSMORPHIA?

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According to the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation (BDD), at least 2% of the UK population suffer from the misunderstood condition, a condition where there is a ‘disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance’. It’s not just the immature who suffer from body dysmorphia, but anyone of either sex who has been taken in by perceived role-model perfection! Media hungry actors and performers are of course perfectly lit and made-up, the process taking several hours. Role models may well clamour for fame and fortune but they aren’t necessarily any happier or content than you or I. Where you and I can eat regularly, and eat what we like, our heroes and heroines cannot! Have you noticed how many role models of yesteryear head to the fridge and the plastic surgeon as soon as their careers in the limelight fade? Body perfection only exists on a movie set!

I too once suffered from body dysmorphia, that was until I re-mortgaged my house and invested in a costly, magical, full-length mirror! Nowadays when I stare at myself in said mirror I see the reflection of a young Audrey Hepburn. Being that I’m male, I would have preferred to see a young Cary Grant or Clark Gable staring back at me! Life ain’t perfect and neither are any of us!

ARE YOU A CAR-COPULATOR?

Porsche

That’s right, people…men, who have sex with cars, either by rubbing themselves on the paintwork or by inserting their…whatzits in a cold exhaust pipe belonging to a high-end vehicle. Apparently ‘mechanophilia’, or the compulsion to engage in sexual or emotional ‘relationships’ with a motor vehicle is more common than you might think! Do be aware, it is illegal in the UK to engage in fellatio with a machinery in public. Giving into your base needs is likely to get you 6-months in prison and have your name etched into the Sexual Register! Frankly I don’t get it? Some high-end cars do indeed have beautiful lines, but f**k a Ferrari, Porsche or Bentley…nah!

‘FIFA’-FI-FO-FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A CORRUPTED MAN!

FIFA

Ten FIFA officials arrested and bailed following a 3-year FBI investigation into bribery and money-laundering stretching 25-years, totalling approx. $100 million. So what? Above a certain management level, the whole damn world is corrupt! Had the USA come ninth instead of second to Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup I doubt any investigation would have been mounted. I suspect $100 million is corruptly purloined in Brussels (EU) over a bank holiday weekend, so let the FBI investigate that! Oh, they can’t because the European Union is State rather than an organisation. FIFA is not above international law, but it probably is beyond its reach! Alleging FIFA’s president was either complicit in the bribery or incompetent in not discovering it, some people believe, if he had a conscience, Sepp Blatter should resign. At 79 you would think the gentleman would look forward to enjoying retirement. The fact is, Blatter loves his exalted position and the power it gives him. He is very well liked too. Mr Blatter has more awards than you could show off on a mantelpiece! Hey, if investigators searched hard enough they would find corruption everywhere! I notice the FBI hasn’t brought criminal proceedings against any of the Wall Street investment bankers who ‘spearheaded’ the 2008 worldwide banking crisis that caused losses in the trillions. I wonder why? Was there really no criminal negligence to be uncovered? There have been calls for England to boycott the 2018 and 2022 World Cups in Russia and Qatar respectively. Since the England squad are not contenders to win either the competition…based upon previous 30-performances…who would miss us?

SKULLS!

skull

Scientists have used modern forensic techniques in order to analyse a 430,000-year-old skull discovered in the underground Sima de los Huesos cave system in the Atapuerca Mountains, northern Spain. ‘Cranium 17’, who by the way was thought to be an interior designer specialising in ‘cave dwelling makeovers’ has two lethal wounds to it, making it the oldest confirmed murder victim in history. Since the skull predates Homo sapiens by over 200,000 years, it has been postulated Cranium 17 belonged to a Neanderthal. One theory is, the victim had been subjected to domestic violence. In any event, the case had been turned over to CSI Navarre and Pamplona’s Policia Nacional’s very cold case unit. An arrest is not imminent!

LADIES, HAVE YOU HAD OCCASION TO FAKE IT?

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I happened to have had ‘cardinal’ knowledge of a young aspiring actress the other month. It’s just as well the wall separating my bedroom from next door had cavity wall filler in it, because the RADA graduate howled like a banshee during our love-making, making me somewhat suspicious! I’m good, but I’m not that good! “Wow, that certainly hit the spot,” Julie said. “Oh really,” I replied. “Then why do I get the impression you faked your orgasm? You weren’t per chance practicing for an audition you have lined up?” Julie denied it, but as it turned out I was right to be suspicious. A couple of nights ago I turned up to an off..off West End production of a new play called ‘Copulation’ by aspiring playwright J.J. Copeland, and Julie took the lead part. Guess what, I knew her part as well as she did!

DO YOU SPIT…BLOOD?

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No, I don’t mean when you wash your teeth. I mean, do you spit blood when you are asked to pay £14:99p for a shielded coaxial aerial cable which you know only costs 0:50p to make? Do you spit blood when you pay £300:00 for a new model HD television that was supposed to have been manufactured 3-months ago, when you discover a ‘digital/analogue’ button on the remote control when in fact the ‘analogue’ signal was switch off in the UK in 24th October 2012? So when is ‘new’ ever really new? The same with a new car! It may well have been sitting in a field for up to 18-months! As far as possible, I like to buy ‘pre-used’ or what used to be referred to as ‘second-hand’. Yes, I know it may be sub-standard, but then I’m paying a sub-standard price. The drawback is, nothing in my house works properly! Still, I’m just grateful my underpants stay up!

ANIMAL NEWS!

lambMunich police raided a brothel after a drugs-related tip off. Narcotics were indeed uncovered, along with a 3-week-old lamb who answered to the name of ‘Birke’. Bleating about his living conditions, said creature was taken into protective custody where an animal behavioural psychologist tried to calm Birke. When this didn’t work, officers fed the lamb bottled milk and freshly cut grass. It is hoped Birke will eventually turn supergrass if he doesn’t go on the lam first!

I JUST FELL OUT WITH MY NEIGHBOUR!

bacon candle

One of my neighbour’s, Joan, who previously was a good friend of mine has just fallen out with me over of all things, a scented candle! I had been looking after her home while she was travelling across India for 6-weeks you see. Anyway, there was a problem with a sewage pipe just before Joan’s return. I called in a plumber to sort things out, which thankfully he did, but not before the house stank of raw sewage. Having opened all the windows and doors, I grabbed a scented candle from my house and lit it in Joan’s. Okay, so what if it was a bacon-scented candle? Surely the smell of bacon was preferable to the smell of raw sewage? Err, apparently not! I’d forgotten that Joan was a strict Vegan!

I WANT ANOTHER DOG…

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…to keep my Cavalier Bunnee company. I don’t mind what breed I get as long as the dog doesn’t bark much. At the same time, having bought a new television, I also need a sound bar, so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and search online for two sub-woofers!

STATE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT…OH WHAT A PRODUCTION!

 

 

 

Crown jewels

Yesterday was the State Opening of Parliament, where even ‘straight’ members of the House of Lords wore ermine! To avoid the taking of embarrassing ‘selfies’ that might later appear on social media, the Sergeant-at-Arms confiscated all smartphones from those Freddie Mercury look-a-likes. Thinking about it, since successive British Governments have relinquished most of its legislative powers to Brussels, I don’t quite know why such a big deal is made of  the SOP? Now although the Parliamentary ‘event’ was televised live, the Queen’s speech had been recorded much earlier because Her Most Gracious Maj had made herself ‘unavailable’ due to a prior engagement. That’s right, in order to take advantage of ‘special offers’, ‘impoverished’ Queen Eliza has camped out all night in order to be at the front of the queue at the Westminster branch of Aldi supermarket. The following transcript was taken off of a security camera and leaked to The Guardian newspaper.

Her Maj: “Excuse me peasant-type person, would you mind stepping awf my f**king train? That’s better! Now, I’m looking for a crown. Would you care to point your monarch in the right direction?”

Peasant-type person:“But you’re wearing one on your head, a crown!”

Her Maj: “A crown of turkey!” The pleb took QE by the hand and led her towards the frozen food section. “Oh thank you awfully, you awful person. That takes care of the corgies supper, now kindly point out where I might find f**king economy sausages!” The basket full, Her Maj headed towards the checkout, where she was heard to whisper, “I carry neither cash nor credit cards. I do hope Aldi offers one credit?”

Cashier: “Nein!” 

Her Maj: “Well that’s ‘most’ inconvenient. I’ll have you know I’m from immigrant stock myself! Consideration is expected!” The cashier shook her head. “Well you can hardly expect me to leave my crown as security!” Thankfully a man stepped forward and happily paid the Queen’s bill. “Young man, would you be interested in an unpaid internship at my London town house?” A humble nod was all Her Majesty required. “In that case go find me a packet of J-cloths. And once you’ve dusted me crown you can find me a packet of twenty ‘Sovereign’, I’m dying for a smoke!” Suddenly a dreadful noise was heard coming from outside the supermarket where Queen Eliza had parked her horse and carriage. “Oh dear me, it would appear one of one’s nags has succumbed to raging diarrhoea. What a f**king inconvenience! Now ‘about’ that unpaid internship?”

CRIMEWAVES ARE TEMPERATURE SENSITIVE!?

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Well who would have thought? After an exhaustive study of 6.6 million police records over ten years, results revealed at the Society of Evidence-Based Policing conference indicate, the optimum temperature for criminals is 64F (18C). Experts believe while warm temperatures may make people more aggressive, heatwaves produce fewer crimewaves because offenders are plum tuckered out by the oppressive temperatures and would much prefer to stay indoors, smoke dope and plan their next caper! Huh, one would have thought an enterprising criminal would operate above 64F and carry ice-packs and bottles of water? Following the 2011 UK riots that spread exponentially, I expect Britain’s 48 police constabularies will be keeping a careful eye on their barometers. Folks, the lesson to be learned here is, once the temperature hits 64F, close all your windows and double lock your front doors! Oh, it has not been made clear what the optimum operating temperature is for foreign born terrorists who are used to oppressive heatwaves, so remain vigilant!

RARE ‘GUTTENBERG BIBBLE’ FOUND!

Gutenberg bible

An extremely rare, complete 1455 First Edition copy of the Guttenberg Bibble was recently discovered in a lockbox beneath a bed in a house in Christchurch, Dorset, in Bournemouth, England. It belonged to a now deceased art restorer named Henry Pugh. Widow Doris, 89 took it to a rare book dealer in London in order to find out a) was the Bibble genuine, and b) its value? Well the word went out and bibliophiles from around the world, together with museum curators and a Vatican antiquities representative flocked to a secret, secure address in London in order to first authenticate the Bibble before making sealed bids for it.

Hey, what I wanted to know was, what was so damn special about a Guttenberg Bibble that stirs the loins of so many bibliophiles? Well, Johann Guttenberg revolutionised the ‘distribution of knowledge’ by inventing the first ever Movable Metal Type Printing Press Machine. All books had previously been written by hand or printed from engraved wooden ‘blocks’. Therefore the dissemination of knowledge took years, and books therefore cost a small fortune. It followed that until the advent of the printing press, the poor continued to wallow in ignorance! The Latin language Bibble was the first book Guttenberg actually printed, and in Germania! There were believed to be only 160 to 180 copies of the 1455 First Edition ever printed, and only 21 complete copies are thought to exist today. The ‘handmade’ paper was imported from Italy, and each sheet possessed the paper maker’s watermark. The Guttenberg Bibble contained 1286 pages and weighed 14 pounds. Value in today’s market? Perhaps $30million!

Regrettably, after all the hype, interest and examination, it turned out Mrs Pugh’s copy was a fake! Bibliophilists were so concerned with the Bibble’s content, no one had thought to peruse the actual leather binding. Gutenberg only had 1 ‘G’ in it, and the Bible only has 1 ‘B’ in it. Henry Pugh was in fact more than just an art restorer, but a master art forgery too. Unfortunately the man was ‘somewhat’ dyslexic!

ODE TO VLADIMIR ‘PUT THE BOOT IN’ PUTIN!

vladimir putin

There lives a certain man in Russia

He is big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow

Most people look at him with terror and fear

But to Moscow chicks he is such a lovely dear

He could preach the bible like a preacher

Full of ECSTACY and fire women do desire

RA RA RasPUTIN

Lover of the Russian QUEEN

RA RA RasPUTIN

Russia’s greatest lerve machine.

THE WORLD’S OLDEST JEWISH PRAYER BOOK AND SMOKE SALMON & CREAM CHEESE BAGEL!

Torah binder

Torah binder (Photo credit: Center for Jewish History, NYC)

A rare Hebrew text dating back to the 9th century has been unveiled by a collector of rare biblical artefacts – and it is  believed to be the world’s oldest Jewish prayer-book. Discovered in Jerusalem, the 50-page binder measures 3in x 4in. The text is written in an archaic form of Hebrew with Babylonian vowel markings, similar to the undecipherable scribbles British school children write across their exercise books today! Carbon dating the Hebrew text suggests the book is believed to have been made around 840 C.E. Apparently the book predates the earliest Torah scrolls ever found by around 400 years and could be an important link between the time of the Dead Sea Scrolls and medieval Judaism.

Authentic? Hold the phone Joan! If the book is so authentic, then how come page 5 details ‘How to make a lemon meringue pie’, whilst page 11 is devoted to the ‘extraction, stripping, cleaning and reassembly of the starter motor to a Harley Davidson ‘Sportster’ 1984-1996′ ? As W.C. Fields once said: ‘There’s a sucker born every minute!’ Now let me tell you about the world’s oldest Jewish smoke salmon & cream cheese bagel discovered by archeologists only the other day in down town Jerusalem! Carbon dating reveals it dates back to at least 631 BC. Most amazingly the salmon content of the bagel had lost none of its heady aroma! Yes, yes, I know I’m a Philistine!