THE FOLLOWING IS MY ‘BEST MAN’ SPEECH GIVEN IN FRONT OF 400 GUESTS AT A RATHER POSH COUNTRY HOTEL IN SUFFOLK.
“Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, free-loaders and affiliates of Al-Qaeda, I’ve known Darren for many years, indeed we used to go to the same school, where my friend was considered a model pupil, but not necessarily a WORKING model. As captain of the school soccer team Darren didn’t miss a single opportunity to score an own goal, own goals which he continued to score in later life. Darren started and busted several businesses by fair means and foul before being forced to enjoy a SOJOURN from business matters at Her Majesty’s pleasure. But we shouldn’t be too hard on Darren’s business acumen, after all, even Abe Lincoln went bankrupt before going on to become President of The United States of America. Darren become president too, of ‘Strangeways’ Prison chess club, that was of course until he became ‘house bitch’ for the leader of a tattooed motorcycle gang leader incarcerated for drug offences.
Many years passed during which I had no contact with my former school pal. Then one day we bumped into one-another at of all places a West London VENEREAL DISEASE clinic. It was here that I introduced Darren to Amanda, his beautiful bride sitting to his right. Theirs was not so much a match made in heaven, as a match made in the STD clinic. As it turned out the two of them had a lot in common. They both took recreational drugs and both contracted the same strain of GONORRHOEA, which I suppose must have meant they moved in the same social circles. ‘Piccolo Mondo’. Indeed, what a small world it is! Anyway, having shared their antibiotics, they began dating, and the rest is history! So please, raise your glasses…I give you the BRIDE and GROOM!”