While the American and British Navies frighten off encroaching Russian nuclear subs using minesweepers and destroyers, Sweden uses a less formal and far cheaper approach to deterring the Russian Bear from incursions into their waters. The Swedish Peace & Arbitration Society (SPAS) have experimented by sending out gay propaganda via Morse code: ‘This way if you’re gay!’ At the same time SPAS have lowered a neon sign into the water: ‘Welcome to Sweden. Gay since 1944.‘ It has yet to be determined whether the innovative ‘Singing Sailor Underwater Defence System’ will bear fruit! Best if the Swedes err on the side of caution by going all-in! And all-in means expanding the Singing Sailor’s repertoire by getting the neon chap to sing gay anthems under water too: Dancing Queen, I’m Coming Out, Y.M.C.A., It’s Raining Men, I’m Every Woman, Tainted Love, Relax, I’m Too Sexy, Barbie Doll and Born This Way. Now if that doesn’t f**k the Russians right off back to Kiev, then they’re all queer!
Now since there are more gays sitting in the House of Commons (32) than any other parliament, might I suggest we Brits adopt the Swedish ‘passive-aggressive’ model ? I’m sure the taxpayers would appreciate the savings! And let’s face it, as a deterrent, Navy destroyers are so…yesterday! Other than playing similar underwater gay anthems via a sonar buoy, what else might we Brits do to deter Russian submarines from entering UK waters? Err what is the Morse code for ‘Welcome to Queer Kingdom, Britain is full of homosexuals, lesbians and transgenders?’ Or perhaps, ‘Welcome to the crack, where we turn real men into screaming queens! By the time you alight from your sub in Portsmouth harbour, our British boys will have raped the asses off you before exchanging your uniforms for something tasteful in Chiffon, which you can wear on Gay Pride Day. Meanwhile we have no objection in painting smiley faces on your nuclear missiles and painted your sub’s superstructure…pink!’ Yes, I think that might do it!