As some of you already know, I care for my elderly mother Sonia. The other day she said, “You’re the best son any mother could possibly hope for, and you look after me wonderfully well. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without you!” Teary-eyed, I replied, “Mum, it’s an honour and a privilege caring for you, and by the way, when you feel it’s your time to go, just make sure you don’t leave me any washing up to do!” Although I had no further need to reminded Sonia that I was ‘perfect’, I felt obligated to bring to my mother’s attention a little known fact concerning Roman Catholic religious sister and missionary, Albanian Anjeze Gonxhe Botaxhia who you might know of as the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, otherwise known as Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, or simply Mother ‘T’, founder of Missionaries for Charity in which the lady held the title ‘Superior General’. Quite honestly if I’d been born Anjeze Gonxhe Botaxhia I too might have changed my name to Mother Teresa! Anyway, even before I started caring for my mother, rumours of my genetic perfection spread far and wide, presumably because I has the habit of helping little old ladies and chickens across the road even when they didn’t want to go! So, having read various United Nations reports surrounding my ‘innate perfection’, Mother Teresa felt, despite her own good deeds, that she couldn’t possibly live up to my high standards of behaviour. Thus this secondary ‘care giver’ wrote a letter, addressing it to P.O Box 3946, The Vatican. The contents of the letter? “Dear Pope, would you please confer beatification upon the beautiful soul mentioned in my letter. If anyone deserves being
shot out of a cannon…’canonised’, he does. Oh, kindly overlook the fact that David is a Jew!” Unfortunately Anjeze Gonxhe Botaxhia died of heart failure before she received a reply. I’m still waiting for mine!
Anyway, for the above reasons, I bloody well deserve a new telly! Unfortunately the one I want, Samsung UE40H5000 is an old model and thus difficult to come by. The only outlet that still has one doesn’t offer old TV disposal service! Now you may be thinking, why do I want a ‘non-smart’ television? Well I certainly don’t want to operate any machinery that is clearly smarter than me! Of course in 200-years or so you will be able to teleport your old telly out and teleport your new telly in. Now if I was alive in 200-years and needed yet another new TV, I would teleport in a belly dancer along with the new telly. The lithe young lady could gyrate around me while I spent long 3-days and nights figuring out how to work the bloody machine!
I actually bought a new Television! I ended up buying the above mentioned Samsung. Bearing in mind the instructions were in English, I had no option but to call in an expert to set the machine up for me, and was happy to pay the gentleman £40:00 for his trouble. Un-f***king-fortunately I didn’t like the telly! It was too big for my small lounge, and the picture quality was shite on anything other than on the 5-HD channels. The motion/refresh rate was only 100Hz. I exchanged the Samsung for a 32-inch Sony smart TV. Much better picture, but tinny sound! Since the instruction manual was utterly useless, I had no choice but to ‘wing it’. How I managed to set the TV up myself is quite beyond my understanding? Clearly I’m not as thick as I thought I was! Anyway, if I don’t get on with the Sony, I’ll change it for a smaller TV, and if that doesn’t work out, well I’ll keep changing the television until I end up with a 3-inch set with unparalleled picture quality and sound!!