Crown jewels

Yesterday was the State Opening of Parliament, where even ‘straight’ members of the House of Lords wore ermine! To avoid the taking of embarrassing ‘selfies’ that might later appear on social media, the Sergeant-at-Arms confiscated all smartphones from those Freddie Mercury look-a-likes. Thinking about it, since successive British Governments have relinquished most of its legislative powers to Brussels, I don’t quite know why such a big deal is made of  the SOP? Now although the Parliamentary ‘event’ was televised live, the Queen’s speech had been recorded much earlier because Her Most Gracious Maj had made herself ‘unavailable’ due to a prior engagement. That’s right, in order to take advantage of ‘special offers’, ‘impoverished’ Queen Eliza has camped out all night in order to be at the front of the queue at the Westminster branch of Aldi supermarket. The following transcript was taken off of a security camera and leaked to The Guardian newspaper.

Her Maj: “Excuse me peasant-type person, would you mind stepping awf my f**king train? That’s better! Now, I’m looking for a crown. Would you care to point your monarch in the right direction?”

Peasant-type person:“But you’re wearing one on your head, a crown!”

Her Maj: “A crown of turkey!” The pleb took QE by the hand and led her towards the frozen food section. “Oh thank you awfully, you awful person. That takes care of the corgies supper, now kindly point out where I might find f**king economy sausages!” The basket full, Her Maj headed towards the checkout, where she was heard to whisper, “I carry neither cash nor credit cards. I do hope Aldi offers one credit?”

Cashier: “Nein!” 

Her Maj: “Well that’s ‘most’ inconvenient. I’ll have you know I’m from immigrant stock myself! Consideration is expected!” The cashier shook her head. “Well you can hardly expect me to leave my crown as security!” Thankfully a man stepped forward and happily paid the Queen’s bill. “Young man, would you be interested in an unpaid internship at my London town house?” A humble nod was all Her Majesty required. “In that case go find me a packet of J-cloths. And once you’ve dusted me crown you can find me a packet of twenty ‘Sovereign’, I’m dying for a smoke!” Suddenly a dreadful noise was heard coming from outside the supermarket where Queen Eliza had parked her horse and carriage. “Oh dear me, it would appear one of one’s nags has succumbed to raging diarrhoea. What a f**king inconvenience! Now ‘about’ that unpaid internship?”


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