ARE ‘YOU’ READY TO MEET ALIENS?

 

drooping earsI’m sure as f**k not! According to space psychologist Professor Gabriel de la Torre from the University of Cadiz in Spain, humans are not yet ready to make contact with aliens. No kidding! Having questioned 116 American, Italian and Spanish university students, apparently it is their lack of knowledge of astronomy and deep-felt religious beliefs that makes humans ill-prepared to say to their families. So I guess, “Mum, dad, guess who’s coming to dinner,” is a question unlikely to be asked any time soon!

Despite our unwillingness to meet & greet Mr Grey, Mrs Grey and the three little Greys, the Active Seti (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) is ongoing. Active Seti continues to send out radio messages from Earth to the stars. A high-powered message sent to the Gliese 581 system, a 5-planet solar system 20 light years away, located in the so-called ‘habitable zone’ is due to arrive in 2029, so you’ve only got a few years left to get your affairs in order, because according to eminent British physicist Professor Stephen Hawking, there may well be dire consequences in revealing ourselves to technologically advanced beings who may not have our best interests at heart. Yikes! Lest we forget, according to the Borg, ‘resistance is futile!’ Really, am I the only one in cyberspace who fancies f**king a cyBorg, and if so, does that make me sick?

All is not lost, for according to research published by physicists from the University of Leicester, the raw materials already exist to create Star Wars style deflector shields fuelled by powerful magnets that would protect us from laser blasts, but not super-heated alien turds! Does that mean a shit storm is coming, followed by several ‘bad hair days’? Other scientists at the Univ. of Leicester have calculated that Winnie the Pooh had a vitamin B12 deficiency, and that Pinocchio could only have told 13 consecutive lies before the weight of his oak nose caused his neck to snap off!

According to a new poll, 1 in 10 Americans believe that aliens were involved in the disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, while the other 9 Americans believe Bigfoot exists. Go figure?

BREAKING NEW!

An unconfirmed report has just reached my desk that Bristol City parking enforcement officers, backed up by the police have just stopped an unusual looking vehicle with no wheels and no windows, which currently has 22 parking tickets issued against it, totalling £14,567! Unless the registered keeper…one Martin Butterworth Junior of 16 Haberdasher Street, Bristol is willing to pay on the spot by credit card, the enforcement officers will have no choice but to tow the vehicle away! As yet, the driver behind the wheel is not prepared to reveal himself other than to extend a long tubular antenna. Well one can only  assume it is an antenna!

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