Have you noticed your hair is parted on the wrong side of your head? Have you discovered unsightly marks on your body that you cannot account for? Are you missing ‘time’, hours or possibly weeks? Is your ejaculate dark purple? Do you have difficulty sitting down? If your answers are ‘yes’, ‘yes, ‘yes’, ‘yes’ and ‘yes’, then it’s possible…probable you were abducted by aliens! Now to prevent any further intrusion into your social life, it is imperative you follow the flowing easy steps! Firstly, eat lots of cabbage and red meat. Aliens don’t like stinky farts! Secondly, practice ‘dynamic-tension’ asshole strengthening exercises. If perverted aliens cannot insert a probe into your tight-fitting balloon knot, they simply won’t take you! Thirdly, cover yourself in olive oil from head to foot! If aliens cannot get hold of you, they won’t take you! No need for ‘virgin’ olive oil, that would be a waste! If all else fails and you are indeed abducted, go to your fall-back position. Tell Mr Grey you only eat ‘kosher’ food and he will return you to Earth forthwith. Take it from one who knows, aliens don’t keep a kosher kitchen on their spaceship. Now good luck!
Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any of the above advice should you choose to take it and things turn to shit!