Maria Sharapova

Following last weeks women’s Wimbledon semi-final between Maria Sharapova (loser) and Serena Williams (easy winner), it has only now been revealed that Sharapova’s average ‘grunt’ measured 115 decibels on a sound level meter, or ‘grunt-o-meter’. The Russian was so loud, two life-saving operations had to be cancelled at the Epsom and St. Helier University Hospital in Carshalton, Surry, located 3-miles away, when both patients woke up from the anaesthetic mid-op! There was however some good news. A patient in her 50’s, who had been unconscious following a road accident in 2011, woke from her coma, only to be told by her long-suffering husband that he wanted a divorce! Well, some marriages aren’t meant to last forever, are they? The Maria grunt also caused several complaints from a local residential care home for the elderly. Despite ‘inmates’ being heavily sedated, no one could get a wink of sleep! As a direct result of the Wimbledon grunt, cladding on the exterior of three adjoining Wimbledon homes fell off, causing an 8-year-old and an 11-year-old to suffer concussions. Although there was an earth tremor in Blackpool measuring 2.8 on the RectumRichter Scale, it was thought to be as a result of fracking, rather than from Maria Sharapova’s infamous grunt. As from 2016, The All England Lawn Tennis Club will insist Sharapova puts a sock in it, literally! Without wishing to appear crude, I do wonder if the Russian is as ‘vocal’ when horizontal, serving up balls in bed?


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