Training secretly to use a German-made, custom-built Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000 water cannon, British police are now ready, willing and able to disburse rioters if indeed there is a repeat of the 2011 summer riots. What’s the big deal? Why has there been a reluctance to use water cannon? Is it that water cannon is synonymous with a South American military junta? Is using H2O just NOT CRICKET? Ask yourself this, would a rioter prefer to get shot with a baton round or a Taser gun? If caught rioting, I guess you might be first warned: “WASSERWERFER’S GOING ON HERE!” Since both German and French utility companies control many of our water reservoirs, will there be an insistence that our police use only continental water in the cannon? If it is so, I can only presume that German water is HARDER water and packs more of a punch. Let’s hope that none of our fine British police officers catches cold or get their hair wet, for he or she will undoubtedly sue for compensation!
Breaking news! I’ve just been informed that the mousey British Government will insist all water cannons be fitted with a recognised water softener just in case anyone knocked unconscious decides to sue too! Furthermore, government spin doctors have suggested that if Wasserwerfer 9000 water cannons are deployed to quell spontaneous riots, police officers should hand out complimentary cakes of soap so that the tens of thousands of smelly homeless people can take a shower! Now that’s what I call a ‘caring government’!
Even more breaking news! Oh what a mighty f**k up! The Home Secretary, Theresa May has stated recently London Mayor Boris Johnson does not have government permission to deploy water cannon on the streets of London in the event of a riot. So that was £750,000 of London rate-payers money well spent then?
Yet even more breaking news! London Mayor ‘Bo’ Johnson is now considering spending more rate-payers money on long-range acoustic cannons in order to control any future rioters!? Surely the risk of permanent hearing loss and possible permanent, neurological damage resulting in huge multi-million pound compensation claims far out-ways any benefits in deploying the devices? I think ‘Bo’ Johnson should get permission from Home Secretary Teresa May before placing an order! I wonder though, do commercial, military-grade acoustic cannons come fully-loaded with sub-woofers and tweeters?