PRISON LIFE ‘IS’ A BED OF ROSES!

drone 1One of the reasons open prisons in Britain are full and there are so few absconders, is because no one wants to leave! Once upon a time it was a complicated process to smuggle drink and drugs into a prison compound. It required stealth and cunning. Now organised crime gangs are using small commercial drones (UAVs) to smuggle in contraband, ranging from drugs, to alcohol and mobile phones. Surely it is only a matter of time before heavy-duty UAVs drop off flat-packed wardrobes, bazookas, laser-guided missiles, cake, Belgium chocolates and freshly baked croissants and bagels? Oh how times have changed since prisoners broke rocks in a quarry! Rehabilitation of offenders? Why bother!

 

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SEX PARTIES FOR THE OVER 60S AND SUPER-GONORRHOEA!

medi-alert braceletI recently read an article concerning the increase in sexually transmitted diseases in the over 50s and 60s age groups, still it came as somewhat of a surprise when out of the blue my widowed uncle Joe blurted that he was a ‘swinger’, and had been for over five years. Internet savvy, Joe had linked up with a number of senior citizens up and down the country for ‘no strings attached’ sexual encounters, and would think nothing of driving hundreds of miles for a weekend of general debauchery in someone’s private home. Apparently people of a certain age, his age no longer throw car keys into a bowl, but do gently place down Viagra bottles, blood pressure monitors, medical alert bracelets and spectacles. When I suggested Joe’s late wife might be horrified at his activities, my uncle replied, ‘Good!’

Are your sexual relations threatened by a new strain of super-gonorrhoea? 35,000 cases of gonorrhoea were reported in England in 2014. A highly resistant strain of the super-‘G’ is spreading across the North of England…Scunthorpe, Macclesfield, Oldham. Could it be there’s poor cell phone, internet and TV reception up North? Christ, who knows where the STI will turn up next? Perhaps that’s why Scottish folk are so desperate for independence? Jan Clarke of the British Association for Sexual Health said: “We really are scaring on thin ice as far as treating gonorrhoea is concerned.” Huh, one would have thought it would be pretty difficult to have sex while skating on thin ice? It has been suggested this super-‘G’ strain developed as a result of the previously celibate over 50s group re-discovering casual sex via the internet. Anyway, if the super-‘G’ finds its way to the South-east and London, it is even possible house prices will fall, which will be a blessing for first-time buyers! Perhaps its time some of the sexually active members of British society place a moratorium on sex and rediscover celibacy? Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t stay at home, get drunk and take drugs!

 

ROOM ON TOP!

Indian train

We’re all used to seeing images of jam-packed Indian trains with travellers riding the roofs. No one could envisage that kind of behaviour occurring in a First World country. Well it has! Desperate for a new, safe and prosperous life in the West, migrants/economic refugees have been caught riding the roofs of Channel Tunnel trains heading for Britain. Well all I can say is, hurry up and get here, because with a national debt exceeding £1.6 trillion, and growing at a rate of £5,170 per second, migrants will soon be joining us all on the streets! (Our own personal debts exceed the national debt by several billion pounds).

And by the way, new Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, wants to pay off the Britain’s national debt should he ever come to power. Really? What does the gentleman intend to use to pay off the debt which will undoubtedly have exceeded £2 trillion by the next general election? Oh right…us! Since Labour isn’t working, would the last person leaving the country please turn off the lights!

DEATH RAY!

captain scarlet

According to the First Sea Lord, Admiral George Zambellas, the Royal Navy hopes to have developed a ‘death ray’ by 2020, which actually means, 2030! Well, it will make a change to having to buy all our ordnance from the Americans, won’t it? But hang on just a second, wasn’t a death ray used to great effect over 40-years ago by the Mysterons in Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons? I wonder if the Royal Navy’s death ray tests will be videoed in Supermarionation too? I do hope Royal Navy engineers will remember to use extra long life alkaline batteries, otherwise their new weapon won’t even burn a hole in a piece of paper!

SUPER RATS!

super rat 1

Thanks to blocked sewers, food banks, lax refuse collections and the tens of thousands of take-away restaurants that have sprung up across Britain over the last 30-years, rats have become super-sized. Resistant to poisons, genus Rattus is officially a plague! Short of deploying deadly, stealth technology, the Department for Health doesn’t know how to kill off these dog-sized creatures. The question remains, how did they become so very big and fearless? Why super-rats have even been held responsible for chewing through electric cables along the underground and overland railway tracks, causing travellers severe delays. Strangely, electricity isn’t killing those bleeding rats. In fact, voltage is making rats stronger! 

Well, I have a theory and it is this! A lot of what we eat is irradiated in order to kill off bacteria and give it a longer shelf life. Wheat flour, white potatoes, pork, poultry, red meat, fruit and veg, shell-fish and even herbs and spices have all been subjected to gamma rays! I dare you to point a Geiger counter at a Brazil nut! If you don’t believe me, then turn off your kitchen lights and watch your food glow green! And no, it is not a positive aura, but residual gamma rays! Although harmless to us, the radiation offers positive health benefits to genus Rattus. There is even a rumour a team of super rats is taking part in Scotland’s Highland games! If the problem isn’t dealt with quickly, we will all end up prisoners in our own homes! How much Ratmaninoff can you listen to and how much Ratatouille can you eat?

OH…RATS!

rat weight lifting

ALERT!! Britain is plagued by aggressive, 2-foot-long super rats that are resistant to traditional rat poisons, so if you see one queuing outside a food bank, do not approach! There are more rats in the UK than there are people…over 85million…but thankfully they’re not all super rats. If you think I’m exaggerating the problem, well I’m not. SCO19, the Metropolitan Police’s specialist firearms unit was called to Euston Station the other day after someone reported seeing a super rat selling copies of the ‘Big Issue’ to travellers. Apparently it wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer! Marksmen sprayed the varmint with machine-gun fire, but the bullets merely bounced off of the creature! Even those travellers suffering from anorexia shat themselves! An emergency meeting of COBRA (Cabinet Office Briefing Room A) was initiated. The Government’s biggest fear is that this new breed of intelligent, problem-solving, poison-resistant genus Rattus will form a Union in order to demand ‘rat rights’ and better working conditions. Meanwhile, the price of rat-catching Jack Russell Terriers have gone through the roof! Good luck out there…it’s a jungle!

I SAID, “I’M A PRIVATE…WHATEVER!”

whatever

I met a woman at a bar. Sandy asked me what I did for a living. I replied, “I’m a private err…whatever.” She gave me a kooky look. “What’s a private whatever?” I said a couldn’t talk about it. Naturally Sandy was intrigued. “Is it dangerous,” she asked. I replied it could be. “Why only last week I walked into a lamppost!” We didn’t go to bed!

‘ONLINE’ SPERM BANK!

virtual baby

That’s right, no one has thought to offer this kind of service before. A donor would be encouraged to scan his sperm into a computer and send it virtually. A woman might take advantage of the service by placing an order, resulting in her becoming virtually pregnant. Is my scheme a money-maker, absolutely…probably…possibly…not!

‘VW’…GUILY OF OMITTING EMISSIONS DATA?

VW 1

Sorry folks, I couldn’t resist the tongue-twister! Talk about being ‘under the cosh’! Volkswagen have certainly kicked in one of the most expensive own goals in corporate history! Fancy putting out false data surrounding their diesel car emissions? ‘Das Auto’, I think not! The US Government, the World Health Authority and the International Council on Clean Air have all trained their guns on VW and its false carbon dioxide claims. Having lost 20% of its share value, and having to set aside several billion euros in order to pay fines and law suits for compensation, it may well be VW will have to sell off some or all of its prized marques: Bentley, Lamborghini, Porsche, Bugatti, Audi, Seat and Skoda. Why VW may even have to throw Bundesliga football club VFL Wolfsburg into the pot too!

Volkswagen should have known better than to have tried to pull the wool over American eyes. The American Administration remains positively anal when it comes to clean air! Why the US Air Force have even fitted catalytic converters to all their nuclear missiles in order to cut down on harmful emissions. Cutting down on greenhouse gases still doesn’t make nukes environmentally friendly in my book! So rest assured, the future is still bright, bright orange! By the way, only the other day Pope Francis’s Fiat 500L failed an emissions test, forcing him to travel America by Greyhound bus! Err, perhaps now might be the time to buy a VW? I bet there are going to be some fantastic deals!

SURFING IN NORTH KOREA?

surfing

Obese megalomaniac, Kim Jong-Un has approved plans for a surfing camp to be established on the country’s east coast, possibly in the Sijuang region. Twenty advanced surfers from Italy, the US, China and Germany are heading to the ‘Middle Earth’ state in order to oversee the construction. The Great white sharks will be imported from South Africa and Australia, floating mines will arrive from Russia and jellyfish from the Med. Good luck, you’ll need it!

SIX DEGREES OF MENTAL TURMOIL!

tablet

My cousin Susan popped round. No sooner had I made the woman a cup of tea and she and whipped out her tablet, stored on which was a photo album of a friend of a friend’s wedding pictures, hundreds of them! God all mighty, why the hell in the spirit of cordiality must I stare at photographs of people I mostly don’t and definitely don’t care about? It was a bloody imposition! Never again!! Why do people think you would be interested in looking at people you don’t know and will never meet? If Susan and I hadn’t just resumed relations after years of family estrangement, I would have said: “Take your tablet and shove it up your ass!” Once Susan left I poured myself a double brandy!

ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY TO SHARE HIS BED WITH REFUGEES!

lambeth palace

Making reference to ‘Jesus as a refugee’, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Right Reverend Justin ‘time’ Welby, is to make available a four-bedroom cottage in the grounds of Lambeth Palace for up to two Syrian families. Unfortunately I don’t have a cottage in the grounds of my home, only a garden shed that I keep my tools in. I wonder whether the Arch Bish will allow his tenants to enter the Palace? The gentleman’s offer of sanctuary comes off the back of Pope Francis’s offer to allow two families to occupy part of the Vatican. Although said refugees will be trained to clean the Papal silver, they won’t be allowed anywhere near the gold!

‘NOSY’ DOCTOR RECEPTIONISTS!

doctor's receptionist

I dropped into my local surgery this morning in order to make an appointment to see a doctor. I didn’t appreciate the receptionist asking me to ‘identify the problem!’ I felt like saying, “Every time I approach a woman, the resultant stirring in my loins feels like two adders fighting over a gerbil,” but all that came out of my mouth was the word, “Rash!” Whereas I accept doctors have different disciplines, still, I don’t appreciate nosy receptionists demanding to know why I feel I need to see a doctor! The next time I overdo the Viagra, I’ve a good mind to go to my surgery, wait for the receptionist’s enquiry before taking out my rigid trouser snake and slamming it down on her workspace!

GOOD VIBRATIONS…MASTURBATION MADE EASY!

Apple iPhone

My girlfriend asked me to buy her a vibrator for her up-coming birthday. Presumably I no longer satisfy her, or perhaps I never did? In any event, I researched the product and came upon a list of ‘best vibrators/dildos’. By all means, please feel free to use my research to your benefit! In the category of sex toys in a leading role’, you may wish to sample: The G-Swirl (dildo), the Gigi, the Water Dancer, the Rabbit Habit and the Hitachi Magic Wand, that contrary to popular belief, was never ever used in any of the Harry Potter movies!

Now if funds are short, yet you are desperate to reach Nirvana, a vibrating smartphone will do just as well, and this applies to men as well as women! So there is some truth in that adage after all‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’. Now what’s the worst that can happen? Shit, your mother phones while you are masturbating! How the f**k are you going to live that down?