SECRET SQUIRREL…’AGENT PROVOCATEUR’!

spying dolphin

The militant Palestinian Islamist group, HummusHamas claim to have intercepted the latest advance in international espionage: a fully equipped Israeli spying dolphin, fitted with spying equipment including cameras and a device that could fire small arrows to kill or seriously injure swimmers and divers. A spokesperson for Hummus said: “This aquatic secret agent was ‘stripped of its will’ and turned into a murderer by Mossad, Israel’s intelligent service.” It is true the US Navy had a dolphin and sea-lion training programme going back 40-odd years, but those creatures were not accredited aquatic secret agents, but animals trained to detect mines and place mines on enemy hulls. The old Soviet Union had a similar programme, but abandoned it after it was discovered the Americans had ‘turned’ Russian amphibious agents with promises of a middle-class Californian existence, resulting in the Russian fish placing mines on the hulls of Russian ships.

Back in 2007 Iran Religious Police, along with Iran’s Fashion Police Force arrested 14 so-called ‘spy squirrels’ that were apparently equipped with eavesdropping devices. What gave the squirrels away were their little green corduroy waistcoats with gold epaulettes. Jean Paul Gaultier little green corduroy waistcoats with gold epaulettes were from the 2006 Paris collection! Nut-hunting ‘special ops’, ‘counter-surveillance’ squirrels have also been used to great effect by the US in the game of international espionage on home soil too. Trained at the secret CIA ‘Farm’ complex in Williamsburg, Virginia, the rodents would be surreptitiously inserted down the underpants of UN ‘Iron Curtain’ dignitaries, the purpose of which was to hold their nuts to ransom in return for Security Council votes. Unfortunately that programme turned out to be another clusterfuck!

 

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