crime 1

If you’re long-term unemployed, or find yourself trapped in zero-hour contract waiting for your employer to call, or have just been made redundant, or find yourself over-qualified for the few remaining jobs that pay a living wage, now might be the time to seriously consider a career change! In fact, now might be the time to take up…crime! The conditions to make tax-free money and avoid being caught by the police have never been so great. Honestly, the environmental conditions are perfect for a life of crime! Due to ‘belt-tightening’, there are almost no police officers pounding the beat, which may go some way to explain why so many offers are obese? Many front line officers are engaged in either chasing illegal immigrants who for some reason or another don’t wish to be deported, or glued to a computer screen in an attempt to track down cyber criminals and paedophiles! Forensic labs have been shut too, putting pressure on the remaining private ones to take up the slack. Thus, we have an ideal environment for ‘chain-of-custody’ cock-ups and tainted DNA evidence. And if you’re worried about being recognised by a witness with 20/20 vision during your apprenticeship period, don’t! So many local councils have switched off street lighting after dark, unless a witness enjoys night vision, no one is ever going to see you break into that house or office! If you’re still of two minds as to whether a life of crime is for you, consider this! Thanks to human rights legislation there is now no height restriction police cadets need reach, so if you must leap a fence to evade capture, it is unlikely you will be pursued back to smugglers cove.

In fact things have gotten so bad for the forces of law & disorder, West Midlands officers must obey normal driving rules in an emergency because they drive Vauxhall Corsas fitted with flashing lights, but no sirens! So no more jumping red lights to chase down bandidos! Hey, at least West Midland officers have cars, because some London detectives have been told, due to a shortage of vehicles, they must bus it while making enquiries! Surely it is only a matter of time before are issued Segways and mobility scooters!

Meanwhile, until a few weeks ago, Leicestershire Police were investigating attempted burglaries at odd-number homes only! Of course there is one ray of sunshine, for £1 in every £7 spent on the police is used to fund the income of retired officers, or £83 pounds per household, per year. Where else might police budgets be shaved? According to a consultation document from the College of Policing, which is the official source of professional practice on police work, constabularies should not rule out using psy-chics…psychics, clairvoyants, mediums and witches (white), on high-profile missing persons cases where practitioners claim to possess extrasensory perception.

In conclusion, I would mention this, if your criminal enterprise turns out to be a real money-spinner, you may well find yourself offered a peerage! Yes, of course ‘honesty’ is the best policy, but only if you wish to put your future in the hands of Social Services!

In a further cost-cutting exercise, London’s Metropolitan Police Force is considering scrapping all 1,000 of its community support officers (PCSOs), replacing them with ‘volunteer’ (unpaid) officers, it is clear the future of all policing will be an over-reliance on miniature drones/quadcopters fitted with thermal image cameras.


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