It would seem no one sees the value in growing old gracefully any more! Women the world over…and some men…will go to extraordinary lengths to banish facial wrinkles and any other signs of aging. Once upon a time you would go to sleep in an avocado mask, or plain cold cream, but not any more! These days its snail slime, sheep placenta, vampire facials, bird poo facials (nightingale crap) and let’s not forget Botox! Looking young doesn’t come cheap!
Sixty-seven-year-old Stella Ralfini from London who describes herself as an author, life coach, couples counselor and tantric guide, says that her key to eternal youth is human semen facials. Well if that don’t beat all? Apparently gism contains proteins and minerals that are known to reduce the ageing process. Swimmers contain a powerful anti-oxidant that is said to diminish wrinkles and smooth the skin. If you have any doubts about sperms effectiveness, a Norwegian company called Bioforskning market spermine facials in New York. How long are you expected to wear semen? Fifteen to twenty minutes tops! After that sperm die, so pick your window of opportunity carefully!
Oh what a shame this nutrient information wasn’t available sooner. Think of all those billions of blown blow jobs and messy face comers. Ladies, now if you had only been less squeamish, you might have taken twenty years off your age! I recall that famous L’Oreal strapline… “Because you’re worth it!”
When it comes to sperm facials, are you after quality, or volume? Below is a guide to ‘best before’ date!
- Volume. This is a measure of how much semen is present in one ejaculation.
- Liquefaction time. Semen is a thick gel at the time of ejaculation and normally becomes liquid within 20 minutes after ejaculation. Liquefaction time is a measure of the time it takes for the semen to liquefy.
- Sperm count. This is a count of the number of sperm present per millilitre (mL) of semen in one ejaculation.
- Sperm morphology. This is a measure of the percentage of sperm that have a normal shape.
- Sperm motility. This is a measure of the percentage of sperm that can move forward normally. The number of sperm that show normal forward movement in a certain amount of semen can also be measured (motile density).
- pH. This is a measure of the acidity (low pH) or alkalinity (high pH) of the semen.
- Fructose level. This is a measure of the amount of a sugar called fructose in the semen. The fructose provides energy for the sperm.
*Oh, for all you spitters and swallowers out there, I hope by now you’ve gained a healthier respect for semen? I should point out I have no financial interest in semen facials, so if I have raised the products profile…well it is purely coincidental! Ladies, good luck in turning back time!