ALERT!! Britain is plagued by aggressive, 2-foot-long super rats that are resistant to traditional rat poisons, so if you see one queuing outside a food bank, do not approach! There are more rats in the UK than there are people…over 85million…but thankfully they’re not all super rats. If you think I’m exaggerating the problem, well I’m not. SCO19, the Metropolitan Police’s specialist firearms unit was called to Euston Station the other day after someone reported seeing a super rat selling copies of the ‘Big Issue’ to travellers. Apparently it wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer! Marksmen sprayed the varmint with machine-gun fire, but the bullets merely bounced off of the creature! Even those travellers suffering from anorexia shat themselves! An emergency meeting of COBRA (Cabinet Office Briefing Room A) was initiated. The Government’s biggest fear is that this new breed of intelligent, problem-solving, poison-resistant genus Rattus will form a Union in order to demand ‘rat rights’ and better working conditions. Meanwhile, the price of rat-catching Jack Russell Terriers have gone through the roof! Good luck out there…it’s a jungle!