The other night I purposely strolled along an alleyway in a West London ‘no-go’ area hoping to raise more acolytes for the purpose of building my new church. It wasn’t long before my path was blocked by eight armed, monosyllabic, multi-racial, DHSS affiliated gang members who wished to frighten me, before humiliating me, robbing me and beating me to within an inch (2.5cm) of my life! Did I panic? Not a bit of it! Did I turn the other cheek? Kinda! I showed the yobs my back, slowly lowered my trousers, and then my bespoke underpants! It wasn’t the sight of my gigantic, muscular buttocks that rendered the would-be killers silent, but the sight of my family motto that I’d had tattooed across my gluteus maximus. ‘SHIT VENIO’ (shit happens). Then lightning struck the ground between us! This was swiftly followed by the sound of elevator music, (My Sweet Lord, The Sound of Silence, Give Peace a Chance). Almost immediately the eight dirty rotters down their weapons and queued meekly to suck me off! You know I really must find another way to raise acolytes. I’ve got enough bricklayers and electricians. I now need a decent roofer and stonemason. Believe me, when the church of ‘Me, Me, Me, I, I, I’ is finally finished, the whole f**king world will know about it!