Thanks to an exhaustive Ancestry.co.uk search, I am pleased to announce I am directly related (through a long line of royal bastards) to Edward the Martyr, the father of AEthelred the Unready and the grandfather of Edward the Confessor, the last Anglo-Saxon King of England. Now I’m not going to make a big fuss about my royal lineage, however I am going to insist Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Andrex toilet paper…provide me with my very own bespoke range of ass wipes, with each sheet embossed with a unique water-mark! You know it’s a funny thing, ever since an ex-girlfriend remarked my cheeks were made for ‘S & M’, I always suspected I had royal blood in my bum cheeks! Further proof of my blood line can be provided by ‘anecdotal’ evidence. I too am a martyr to my piles. Furthermore, when it comes to social engagements, known as David the Unready, I’d be late to my own funeral! As far as confessing is concerned, f**k that!