Unfortunately Her Most Majestic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd, is only going to get a £2.7 million pay rise in 2016-2017, taking her cut from the profits of the Crown Estates to a paltry £42.8 million per annum. Feeling the pinch (just like the rest of us), the Queen has no choice but to sack the royal toenail cutter! Suffering such dire financial straits, it comes as no surprise to me Her Majesty can no longer afford to centrally heat all of her 5 royal residences. Boo-hoo indeed! Thankfully, a caravan train full of shackled and emaciated, undocumented Eastern European peasants trafficked into the UK, will be thrown into castle hearths. Well at least this will provide extra jobs for those of us who wish to become royal chimney sweeps, right?