What can one buy for a woman who has everything? More than once, my filthy rich, sexually active Grandma Pearl has threatened to leave her entire fortune earned from drug trafficking, to charity! To ensure she doesn’t forget me in her will, I racked my brain and scoured the earth to find her a Christmas present she could enjoy, week in, week out. Bereft of ideas, I finally went online to discover a site dedicated to useful gizmos for senior citizens. Well, you should have seen Grandma Pearl’s eyes well up when she lifted the lid on a box containing…anal beads! “Granny,” I said, “they’re made of silicone, so they’re dishwasher safe!” I certainly know how to feather my nest. Let’s hope Pearl remembers to do the same!