Folks, it’s not my fault I’m in peak physical condition! Why I’m in such great shape I have no need to either exercise or diet…or so I thought!? Recently, in order to play Fighter Pilot 2, where one engages in air to air combat using the latest advanced techniques to evade my online enemies, I thought it prudent to first have a medical, you know, just to ensure I could take the ‘G-force’ while sitting at my computer console without shitting my pants. Imagine my surprise when I received an urgent phone call from my doctor. I hightailed it to my local surgery in order to get the results of my blood test.
“David,” Dr Haskins said. “There’s no easy way of tell you, so I’d better come straight out with it. You have a dangerously low cholesterol level that might well inhibit your Fighter Pilot 2 performance. If it’s not immediately addressed, well, your condition could even prove fatal!” Dr Haskins wrote me a script for pastries, specifically, Tesco’s chocolate eclairs. “Doctor,” I said. “I’ve had those before. They don’t do anything for me. Can’t you prescribe me anything stronger?” “Very well!” Dr Haskins gave me a script for Marks & Spencer chocolate eclairs. “David, they have an enhanced cream and sugar content. Now make sure you take two at once, with a maximum dose of 8 in any 24-hour period. Now good luck!” Wouldn’t you know it, the f**king computer crashed! Meanwhile, I gorged on prescription pastries. Unfortunately, an error occurred in the choux pastry manufacturing process, causing filling to squirt out the end of the last éclair and onto my clothing. Technically ’tis true, I ‘did’ cream my pants!?