Through my girlfriend, I’ve been invited to a couple’s fiftieth wedding anniversary party. When Mary told me the milestone is represented by a gift of gold, well I nearly blew a gasket! I can’t afford to buy anyone anything made of gold! I said, “Mary, don’t you know anyone celebrating their ‘5th’ wedding anniversary? I got an ‘O’ Level in Woodwork, and can knock up almost anything on wood!” Okay, admittedly it was a low-grade pass in Woodwork, but that was only because the practical exam was hampered by the fact I caught a splinter. Even now, years later, I still don’t understand how on earth I managed to get a splinter in my…arse?