A team of Scottish scientists at the Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh have been awarded a grant of £250,000 from the UK Science and Technologies Funding Council for a feasibility study into building an alien detector. A proposed infrared laser device designed specifically to search for small, Earth-like planets around alien stars would be fitted to the proposed £1billion ESO European Extremely Large Telescope…not relation to the EEFLT (European Extremely F**king Large Telescope)…which would be the most powerful on Earth when constructed on top of a Chilean mountain. Is space the final frontier, well, only time will tell! Meanwhile plans are going ahead to colonise both the Moon and Mars. Any economic migrants who wish to permanently leave planet Urf can get hold of the requisite application forms from any DHHS office!

Meanwhile, over in China, 9,110 extremely poor people are due to be relocated from a rural/mountainous region  in the southwest province of Guizhou in order to build the world’s largest radio telescope, in order to detect and receive signals from outer space and help search for extraterrestrial intelligence. If contacted is ever made with aliens, the Chinese authorities hope to secure an exclusive export licence in order to sell aliens flat screen TV’s and laptops. However a question mark remains over whether Lenovo (the world’s biggest computer company) will get away with flogging QUERTY keyboards!


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