My mate Simon phoned me late last night from Watford Police Station. He was being held under the Anti-Terrorism, Crime and Security Act 2001. Simon wanted the telephone number of my cousin Steven, a solicitor. Apparently Simon went onto a search engine, typed in ‘Hayley Mills’ naked, and images…all fake…appeared! Not twenty minutes later, and police were hammering on his front door! I said, “Simon, are you f**king mad, or what? Hayley Mills is a British movie icon! You can’t expect to see naked images of Hayley Mills and get away with it! Christ man, not only was the woman Britain’s biggest child movie star of the 1960’s, but she was the daughter of playwright Mary Hayley Bell and actor Sir John Mills! What on earth possessed you to do it?” Simon’s reply? He was about to go to bed and masturbate, but he had run out of female movie stars to wank to! “What was wrong with Jane Asher,” I said. She slept with a Beatle?” After I had torn him off a strip, I gave Simon Steven’s telephone number. However, as it turned out my cousin was a fan of Hayley Mills and refused to represent Simon! I too have sent Simon to Coventry. F**king cheek!