Bumped into an old friend the other day. Jeremy asked me why I never got hitched to long-term girlfriend Julia. I replied, “After that last alien abduction Julia was never quite the same! The spontaneous sex that used to be so great, became more or less, well, robotic! I tried to raise my game, but Julia just had to stop every so often in order to write notes on a clipboard. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to turn into a premature ejaculator! Shit, what a waste of good quality sperm! I would have persevered, but for the fact I got sick and tired of hearing about extra-terrestrial social customs and religious practices. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back, was when my intended started eating food off of her plate using her toes. We ended up getting thrown out of my favourite restaurant! Thank God I managed to get the deposit back for the wedding reception, because any wedding insurance policy was bound to have had an exclusion clause where an ‘alien abduction put the kibosh on my relationship’. Anyway Jeremy, all’s well that ends well. I would have vehemently objected to paying for wedding guests who were at their most comfortable operating in a low gravity atmosphere!”


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