* ‘Gigolo’…a man who has a continuing sexual relationship with and receives financial support from an older woman.

I’ve lost count of the number of female British celebrities who end up marrying much younger, foreign gigolos, some of whom barely speak English. The marriage invariably breaks up after a maximum of two years, whereupon the celeb choses to shell out an effing fortune to their ex-husbands, rather than suffer the indignity of going to court, ex-husbands who then return to their native countries, flush! Sorry, if a bloke can’t prove financial loss by giving up a career to marry a celeb, then he shouldn’t be entitled to a single penny! Let’s preserve our fragile, female celebs by kicking out Euro trash, thereby protecting our British lady gardens from this foreign invasion! Of course, you could argue, it’s none of my damn business, and you would be right!!



Now that Britain…excluding Scotland and the Republic of Ireland…have voted to leave the United States of Germany (the EU), where will ex-Premier David Cameron reside? Possibly Brussels? Might the pro-European be offered a seat in the European Union’s cabinet government. As a commissioner, the gentleman will be able to line his pockets, just as Britain’s ex-Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock did!



Italian and French archaeologists discovered what they initially thought were four skeletons in the ruins of Pompeii. Their initial joy turned to disappointment when one of the skeletons asked for directions to the nearest colonic irrigation centre. It turned out, the skeletons were in fact four catwalk supermodels on a walking holiday!


rat weight lifting

I pose this question because as far as I can tell, it appears most of the athletes in competition are professionals! Since tennis was re-introduced, golf and rugby are to stage a comeback in Rio 2016! Is there any such thing as an ‘amateur’ athlete anymore, or is everyone either on ‘wages’ or supported by corporate sponsorship? Is it simply that, to achieve ‘sporting excellence’, one must have pot loads of money in order to train full-time and to eat the right food? Of course, without money some amateur athletes with potential won’t ever make it to the Olympics. I guess the answer is, if you show early athletic prowess, you had better pick a sexy sport that will attract sponsorship! Is the richest athlete in the world, Usain Bolt still classed as an amateur?



Heavy-duty weed me thinks!? While the 580 million human members of the European Union concern themselves with mundane things such as paying rent, putting food on their tables, and not losing their low-paid jobs to economic migrants or to automated robots, the European Parliament’s legal affairs committee is considering plans to give basic labour rights to robots, declaring machines, electronic persons. The machines would be free to own and trade money, claim copyright on creative work and force human owners to pay into a pension in case the machines are damaged. This reminds me of Robin William’s performance as ‘Andrew’ in Bicentennial Man (1999). Of course in the real world, AI is just that, artificial! Robots are, and will remain, inanimate, and not sentient! The EU legal affairs committee would be better off spending their time and our money fighting people trafficking. What of the human rights of sex slaves? The above is another typical example of EU waste brought on by mental masturbation!


first time buyers

Whether Britain REMAINS or LEAVES the European Union, it won’t make any difference to individuals or young couples hoping to one day get on the housing ladder and own their first real home! Property prices in most parts of Britain will remain out of reach to those desperate to escape the rent trap. The only way to build genuinely affordable housing, is for the Government and local authorities to DONATE unused land, and for genuine social housing developers to build several thousand homes at COST! Building firms may not make a profit, but their share prices will rise. Isn’t it about time someone did something for nothing? 


EU referendum

If Britain had never been a member of the European Union, but was asked to join NOW, aware of the many abuses of a centralised European super-state, would Britain join? The answer would probably be NO! However, would not our answer depend upon the state of our nation? For example, if our country was suffering from economic decline, a three-day week, and three million plus unemployment, as was the case during the 1970s, what then would be our answer?


entrepreneurOh really? I take issue with that particular claim! Now in order to supplement my meagre income, I placed a small advertisement in my local newspaper: “Ninja-trained, self-employed assassin looking for short-term ‘contract’ work. Will supply own equipment!” Frankly I was taken aback with the number of enquiries I received. Husbands wishing to do in their wives, 43. Wives wishing to knock-off their husbands, 56. Business partners wishing to ‘dissolve’ partnerships without going through the courts, 29. Christ, has no one got the milk of human kindness running through the veins anymore? Unfortunately my career path was rudely interrupted by a knock at the door. Huh, and they say you can never find a policeman when you need one? “Honestly, I was ‘joking’ officer!” The truth was, Joe King lived at number 29! Huh, fooled ’em once again!!


cumberland sausage

The life of a sex God is not all it’s cracked up to be! Being hung like a donkey definitely has its downside! My girlfriend Sadie simply can’t get enough of my English mutton dagger. Suffering from ODS (obsessive dick syndrome), she noshes my manhood morning, noon and night. Jeez, it’s just as well I’m self-employed! Anyway, after Sadie read about the British couple who spent £70,000 cloning their dead Boxer at the Sooam Biotech Research Foundation, Seoul, South Korea, my girlfriend with the insatiable appetite for all things dong had the bright idea of suggesting I clone my dick from skin cells, just so she could have a spare in case a stray wolf bit off my member! Clone my dick? Just what I need, another direct-debit draining money from my bank account! Frankly, I think its high time Sadie changed her eating habits!


neanderthal man

Interestingly, whereas Western women fought for decades to get the same societal rights as men, in recent years men fought to get similar rights as women relating to paternity leave, which varies from a few weeks to a few months depending in which country an individual lives. I do wonder whether ice-age, cave-dwelling Neanderthal man applied for paternity leave? If of course they were all self-employed, did they merely refused to go hunter-gathering during an infant’s critical, early nurturing period?


jiffy bag

Great Briton, Simon Watson, 41, from Luton, Bedfordshire, claims to have donated sperm for 16-years, fathering more than 800 children. By-passing the ‘middleman’, Simon sells jizm via social media and other websites for £50:00 a ‘pot’. I can only presume the ‘gentleman wanker’ uses climate-controlled, plastic-coated jiffy bags to prevent his essence from going bad? Boy, he must be famous at his local post office. Why Simon must have a whole sack just for himself! So who says one man ‘can’t’ make a difference? Simon Watson is doing his level best to put the ‘Great’ back in Britain! I wonder if Simon offers a free turkey baster with every order? Entrepreneurs really are the backbone of this country!


anal beads

I was in the pub last night with friends getting pleasantly drunk! We spent about an hour putting the world to rights, until the topic of conversation got round to love and romance. Ben said, “When is the worst time to break up with a partner?” Sally replied, “Just after you’ve inserted anal beads in your partner’s asshole!” Try as I might, I couldn’t disagree!



The price members of the LGBT community pays for coming out in a so-called civilized society is to make themselves targets for intolerant, irreligious, angry men and women, who, not being Christians, have never been encouraged to turn the other cheek. Another consequence of Orlando’s mass shooting at the Pulse gay nightclub? Many more Americans might vote for reactionary Donald Trump, yet what could he do to make Americans more safe that Barak Obama cannot? Further gun control? Nope! There are more guns in civilian hands than there are civilians! Restrict American-born Muslims and Muslim refugees to America from buying weapons? Nope! Of the 6.67 million, civilized, multi-cultural Muslims living in the USA, most don’t own  guns, and wouldn’t want to ever own one. The irreligious, homophobic Orlando killer was reported to be an Afghan refugee, so it would appear, the mass killing might be considered a direct consequence of America invading Afghanistan, of course, with the best intentions! If you cannot insulate civilians from the consequences of foreign wars that tend to creep back home, don’t invade!



But precisely what is the wrong uniform? You may have read about school children who have been sent home from school for wearing the wrong shoes or the wrong haircut!? And quite right too, after all, you can’t allow children to express their individualism. It might lead to anarchy and revolution! So imagine my surprise when I read that 40 state secondary schools and 40 state primary schools have been allowed to adopted ‘gender neutral’ uniform policies, that allow boys to wear skirts?! So children as young as 5 will be able to ‘come out’ as trans without breaking uniform rules! Thank you charity Educate and Celebrate, which received £200,000 from the Department for Education allowing it to give diversity training to schools! F**k me, stop the world, I want to get off! I think I’ll home-school my children!


house of cards

As each side apply even more pressure in order to persuade those eligible to vote on June 23rd, a letter signed by 17 of Britain’s biggest house-builders, including Barratt Homes and the Berkeley Group have strongly suggested, first-time buyers will find it even more difficult to get on the property ladder if the UK votes to leave the European Union. Baloney! Whether Britons vote to stay or leave, those of us…individuals and young couples…are unlikely to ever afford to buy their first home, particularly in the south-east of England. Unless property prices come down by a third, those who aspire to own, will in fact rent for their entire lives! So, whether we’re in the EU or vote to leave, it won’t make a blind bit of difference to owning one’s own home! House-builders have been using cheaper foreign workers for years now, it hasn’t brought the price of a home within reach of first-time buyers!