Now that my long-suffering live-in girlfriend Julia has left me to go training as one of the Mars Mission colonists alongside her brand new lesbian lover, the house has become a tip! Keeping house is no easy task. The last two domestics failed to meet my high standards of cleanliness. One drank my drinks cabinet dry and threw up on the Chinese carpet, while the other cleaner was caught on camera sniffing my dirty underwear! So I have decided to buy a live-in monkey from an EU monkey trafficker and train the animal to clean house. Interviews will commence next week. Meanwhile, I’ve researched monkeys and ‘diet’, and have stocked the fridge with ‘venison en croute’ and curry ready meals. Obviously I won’t expect the creature to finger my anus as Julia did. Wish me luck now!